by Lily Roberts
Now I felt guilty for driving Denise insane. It wasn’t like I meant to make it overly complicated, though; Scott was just such a God damn enigma. One minute, he was totally sweet and an absolute delight to hang out with, and in the next minute, I wanted nothing more than to strangle him. And some part of me—obviously, some still very prominent part of me—didn’t trust Scott completely with my heart. “I don’t want him to totally screw me over,” I said softly. “I don’t know if I could handle it if he did that. I’d have to kill him. Or better yet castrate him.”
Denise sighed softly. “Girl, that’s always the risk when you open yourself up to someone. If it helps, I don’t regret going out with Cooper, short as it may have been. I’d rather know he doesn’t seem like that than wonder about it.”
Damn, I really had to give credit to Denise. She knew a lot more about relationships than I first thought. “You sure you’re not working to get a bachelor’s in psychology, Denise?”
She laughed, giving me a playful wink as she leaned forward. “Okay, so, now that we’re on the same page again, looks like I gotta keep you here. What’s your plan to actually confess properly this time?”
That was an excellent question. “Honestly…I’m not too sure,” I admitted. “I mean, we’re friendly enough around campus, but it seems like old feelings always make their way up eventually.”
Denise drummed her fingers thoughtfully across the table. “Okay, well, what about when you two were back home?”
I couldn’t help but smile at the memory. “Weirdly enough…it felt like we’d been friends forever. Crazy, right? You think it’d be reversed.”
Denise nodded, clearly deep in thought. “Yeah, okay…winter break is actually right around the corner, so I’d use that time to plan something.”
“Wait, seriously?” I asked. “Why the hell is it so close to autumn break?”
“Are you seriously complaining about a short window of school to worry about?” Denise asked. “Do you not know how to read a calendar?”
Solid point. “Okay, so, you have any ideas?”
Denise just smiled my way. “Oh, Sydney. Of course I have ideas. The real question is, how much time you got to listen?”
If it meant finally fixing things and moving forward with Scott, I’d stay in the cafeteria all day.
---
I had to give Denise credit; the plan she outlined was pretty good. Genius, even. It basically boiled down to utilizing the longer stretch of time to my advantage, taking the time to hang out both in the best locations Red Rapids had to offer and the snow-covered spaces. Sledding, snow-tubing, ice-skating on the lake instead of inside the rink, all cumulating into a trip to an actual ski resort to really get close and not worry about running into people we knew.
The money aspect made me a bit squeamish, but I was honestly excited for the possibility. Obviously, Mom and Dad would have to be okay with it, and I’d probably need to pick up a job on the side before then (no way was I gonna make my parents pay for tuition costs and a ski trip), but as I made my way to the football field a week or so later, I finally felt confident.
Finally, I wouldn’t completely slip on my words and be genuine about my feelings. It’s what Scott deserved, after all.
At this point, I could practically make my way to the field blindfolded. As expected, the team was out on the field for practice, a game was coming up in the next few days. They’d been nonstop since, Cooper drilling them over and over again until the team achieved his level of perfection.
“Hey, Cooper!” I waved at him from the bleachers, hoping I’d caught them at a lull. He turned my way with a wave himself, giving me the universal sign of “just a second” before giving instructions to the rest of the team. I leaned up against the face of the bleachers, patiently waiting until Cooper started jogging my way.
“Been awhile since I last saw you, Sydney,” Cooper said. “Been doing okay?”
“Yeah,” I replied. “Just been a bit busy.”
Cooper nodded, smiling sympathetically. “I remember my second semester here; the professors tend to try and cram as much as they can before winter break. But I’m glad to hear you’re keeping up. Poor Scott’s doing the best he can to stay motivated.”
That…didn’t sound great. “Is he okay?” I asked, taking a closer look at the team make-up. “I was actually hoping to run into him today. I wanted to ask him about something. Well, show him something,” I added, going to pull out my journal full of notes and schemes for over break. “When do you think you’ll be done torturing all these poor guys?”
Cooper looked suddenly confused. “Didn’t Scott tell you?”
A small pit began growing in my stomach. “N-no? Tell me what?”
Now Cooper looked incredibly awkward, hand moving to rub the back of his sweaty neck. “Oh, geez. I dunno; I feel like this should be something Scott tells you himself.”
Flashbacks from the party at my house came rushing back. I did my best to repress them, keep an exterior of cool while I spoke. “Well, can he take a break from practice and talk with me?”
Oh my God, I seriously didn’t think Cooper’s face could look anymore awkward, but boy howdy, did he ever pull it off. “Umm…Scott’s not here, Sydney. He quit the team a while back.”
That pit in my stomach grew with each passing second, eventually plummeting into an endless, black hole. “Wh-what?!” I shook my head, a nervous chuckle slipping out of my throat. “No, you—you’re just trying to fake me out. This is Scott we’re talking about; if the guy could, I’m pretty sure he’d marry the sport.”
“I dunno what to tell you,” Cooper said. “He said he wanted to take care of a few personal things, was talking about transferring campuses so he could live closer to his Dad.”
His Dad? “Why the hell would he want to go back to Red Rapids?” I asked.
Cooper grimaced. “Oh, wow. He hasn’t told you anything at all, then.” He glanced back at the team nervously, then back towards me. “I’d give him a call, Sydney. It’s pretty serious, and, I really don’t think I’m the person to tell you what’s been going on.”
“Y-Yeah. Thanks for letting me know.” As soon as Cooper turned to leave, my phone was immediately out in my hand. I began an aimless march around campus, ready to send a million texts his way before pausing. No; I had a better chance of reaching him if I called. Text notifications could be ignored, but a phone call meant this was serious. I flipped to contacts and pushed his name, raising my phone to my ear as I listened to it ring.
It picked up after the first ring. “Hello?”
Anger was the first emotion to come tumbling out of my mouth. “Scott, what the hell?! Why did you quit? Why didn’t you talk to me?”
A moment of silence passed between us. Then, Scott began to speak. “Sydney, can we not fight again? I’m really not in the mood.”
“Well, I can’t say I’m in a great mood myself,” I retorted as I passed by the cafeteria. “Scott, you dropped off the football team.”
“Yeah.”
“You love football.”
“Y-Yeah.”
I sighed loudly, pinching the bridge of my nose. “Okay, so, do you wanna connect the dots for me? If this is about what happened in your room, I wanted to apologize for that. We—it’s not my place to say who you’re with or not.” At least, not until I had a say in it. “Can we talk? Face-to-face?”
Another beat passed between us. “Sydney, I’m not on campus right now.”
“Okay, well, I’ll wait until you get back from the city,” I said. “How far out are you? I’ll even meet you somewhere—maybe adult Sandy’s again?”
“No, Syd,” Now Scott was starting to sound irritated.” I’m back in Red Rapids.”
I blinked, my brain slowly processing the words he said. “Why?” My voice was barely above a whisper as I stopped in place; I wasn’t even sure where I ended up walking around campus to.
Scott sounded as if he was struggling to keep his voice composed. “My pa
rents are splitting up, Sydney. I went back to help my Dad pack up and move out.”
Holy shit. “Scott, I had no idea.” I had an idea, but he didn’t know I had an idea. And shit, that was his fault too. I truly didn’t know what were now. But I would have thought he would have at least talked to me about this. If not the divorce then his quitting the name and leaving school.
Scott made a noise, something between a scoff and a bitter chuckle. “Yeah, I know. But he needed help, and, my academic advisor said I would be okay to leave for a bit.”
But that wasn’t true. He wasn’t thinking about leaving for “just a bit.” “Cooper said you were thinking about leaving campus,” I said.
He was quiet for a long, long time. Wind whistled between my ear and the speaker, causing a shudder to run down my spine. Or, was it because Scott’s silence was all the confirmation I needed? “I wanted to get closer to Dad. Help him through this whole ordeal.”
That’s not your job, though, I wanted to say. You should stay here, with me. “So…you’re just gonna drop everything and leave?”
“You make it sound like I’m running away.”
I bit my tongue to stop myself from saying something nasty. “Scott, I wanted to talk to you. About this, about us. I-I…I wanted to…”
Scott laughed on the other side of the line. “Sydney, I don’t even know if you know what you want. You just—I can’t keep up with you. You wanna be friends one minute, then you’re kissing me the next, and then you get angry with me and it’s like we’re back to those pissy kids on the kickball field.”
“Scott,”
“But, that’s fair,” Scott continued. “Cause I’m not really sure what I wanna do, either. That’s why I’m moving closer to Dad. I want some space, Syd. I gotta figure stuff out.”
“Scott,” Oh, God, every word he said was like a dagger in my heart. mainly because he was dead on. “I-I’m sorry. I want to talk now, though.”
He sighed heavily on the other side. “Sorry, Sydney. I’m already way past that. But, it’s okay; we just weren’t meant to be anything but amicable. I’ve accepted that.” Like they say, you can’t have too many friends! Right?”
That somehow made it worse. That suggested that, deep down, some part of him wanted to be more than friends, too. Holy crap, why didn’t we just sit down and talk to each other? “W-Will you be in Red Rapids for winter break, at least?” I asked, fighting to keep my voice level.
The absolute apathy in Scott’s voice was tangible, even over the phone. “I dunno if it’s a good idea.”
“O-Oh.” The strangest sense of déjà vu overtook me; this felt exactly like the last two years of high school. Some of the dullest, loneliest years of my life. “Um…well…I h-hope your Dad’s doing okay. I can’t imagine what he’s going through.”
“Yeah. Thanks.”
We hung on for another minute in silence, neither one of us wanting to hang up on the other, first. I clung to that for hope; maybe it meant Scott wasn’t completely confident in what he was saying? Maybe I still have a chance?
“I gotta go, Sydney.” Scott said softly. “You stay busy, okay?”
I barely managed to keep a sob in the back of my throat. “Y-Yeah. You, too.” And like that, the other end of the line went dead. Would those be the last words we ever exchanged? Man, I sure as hell hoped not because that would be epically lame.
I felt like total garbage once I hung up the phone on Sydney. But it was for the best; we were just an absolute mess together. She saw me for my baggage, the total tool I was in the past, and honestly, I couldn’t blame her too much.
That didn’t stop it from being utterly impossible to handle
Sydney was toxic for me right now. And as much as I hated it, I needed to put some distance between myself and her. It would do me some good, get my head straight and help me think subjectively, instead of constantly worrying about her seeing my face, pestering me for my thoughts.
But, God, did I ever miss it all.
I missed waking up early for practice, Cooper yelling at us during practice and Sydney and Denise watching us from the stands. I missed how easily I could make my way around campus, how sub-par the food was but how amazing the little restaurants and bars were that Cooper would take us to. Hell, I even missed Dinesh’s stupid little face, his puffed-up ego, even his swings at Sydney (or other girls that were unfortunate enough to cross his path). But I mostly missed Sydney.
God, I really missed Sydney.
I missed her laugh, the way her hair would catch the sun in the sky, when it wasn’t hiding behind the clouds. I missed her wit, that skip in her step whenever she got an A on a project or the fire in her eyes when someone challenged her to a bet.
Damn. And we never got a chance to figure out who was the ultimate kickball champion. Okay, probably best not to go back to that one.
But that was in the past, and soon enough, my transfer was put into motion. Winter break would mark my last official semester with my advisor promising my records sent as early as the New Year. I wanted it sooner, but I couldn’t argue with her. After all, I’d picked a pretty busy time to decide to up and move.
“And you’re sure you’re okay transferring to Whitecap University?” My Dad asked as we stood at the Bloodhound station.
“Yeah,” I nodded slowly, shifting the empty bag on my back. “I need to get away from it all. Plus,” I added with a laugh, “Maybe Mom won’t be able to get in contact with me every other day if I’m up in the mountains with you.”
Dad gave me a tired smile back. “I’m sorry this all happened, Scott. If I could make it work,”
“You don’t gotta apologize, Dad,” I put a hand on his shoulder, smiling reassuringly. “Sometimes the right thing’s…hard to do.”
The intercom speaker clicked on overhead, announcing for the boarding and soon-to-be departure of my bus. “Call me if anything changes, okay?” My Dad asked. “I’m more than happy to hire a small moving van if you have one too many things to pack up.”
“I’m pretty sure I can pack the rest of my stuff in this,” I said, gesturing to my bag and suitcase. “I’ll see you in a day or two.”
After exchanging a quick hug, I turned towards the loading dock and started forward, taking a deep breath with each step I took. Inhale, exhale; this wasn’t the end of the world. Finally, I’d have a chance at a new beginning, instead.
---
Well, I should’ve expected it wouldn’t be an easy, in-and-out mission.
The minute I stepped off the bus, I was greeted by a familiar pair of ex’s. Denise was practically jumping up and down in place, waving furiously to catch my attention. I waved back; the surprise obvious on my face as I made my way over. “How’d you guys know I was coming by?” I asked.
Denise gave me a sly grin. “Let’s just say a certain roommate of yours is pretty easy to bribe, given you supply the right snacks.”
I looked to Cooper, who just shrugged in response. “We already established men are easily swayed by food. I thought you of all people would know that.”
“Hah-hah. Very funny.” As much as it pained me to see them again, part of me was glad I could give an official good-bye to the pair.
“So, traitor,” Denise began teasingly. “You got some time to hang out with your favorite people before bouncing back to the Alps?”
“You know you can tell us if you’re secretly a yeti,” Cooper added with a smirk. “Though, the unimpressive amount of chin hair you sport might give me pause.”
“See, this is why I’m leaving in the first place,” I said as dramatically as I could. “You two are just the biggest bullies.”
The pair couldn’t resist for long; soon enough, we were all together in a three-way hug, Denise and Cooper seemingly determined to squeeze the life out of me. Soon after, Cooper grabbed my rolling suitcase as Denise led the way out and to his car. “Okay, but for real; when’s your bus headed out? We don’t wanna keep you for too long,” Denise added with a giggle. “Cont
rary to anyone else’s belief.”
“I gave myself a day or so to get everything packed and squared away,” I replied. It felt so weird having the entire back seat to myself, but I couldn’t blame Sydney for not coming. I wouldn’t want to see me, either. Not after that mess of a phone call.
“Sounds like we can get away with a little bit, then,” Cooper said as he stuck the keys into the ignition. We pulled out of the bus parking lot and set off into the city, a wave of nostalgia washing over me as the sights passed me by. God, but I was really going to miss walking to anyplace I needed.
“So, what’s Whitecap like?” Denise asked from the front passenger side. “I read it’s literally carved into the face of a mountain.”
“I heard they make the students mine ore to help pay for tuition,” Cooper chuckled.
“I heard it’s actually an active volcano, and it’s a huuuge liability risk,” Denise added.
“I heard you have to ski down the mountain face just to get to the other end of campus,” Cooper laughed.
Man, I was seriously gonna miss these two. “Nah, none of that. Well, maybe that last part, given how much snow falls all year round. I wouldn’t be surprised if I had to invest in some snowshoes.”
Cooper nodded, checking his mirrors before slowing to a stop at a familiar four-way. “Mm, yeah. I could see that.”
“Are you still gonna try and play football?” Denise asked. “Gotta say, I’d totally pay to see your team try and practice in chest-high snow.”
I chuckled, shaking my head. “They have indoor facilities, you know.”
“My point still stands,” Denise insisted as we pulled forward.
I started paying more attention to our surroundings after the four-way faded to the backdrop, growing more and more suspicious with each passing second. “Um…Cooper, where are we going? I dunno if I have time for an entire sit-down thing.”
Cooper waved a free hand back towards me. “Don’t worry about it, Scott. I promise this’ll be quick.”