by Grant, J. R.
Kelly turned around in the chair without saying another word. I took that as my cue and walked down the hall, hoping Jazz was asleep. I didn’t know if she would talk to me, but I had to at least try. I needed her to know that I loved her. I had to be sure she hung to our marriage on and didn’t give up on what the two of us shared.
As I cracked open the door, I peeked inside, finding Jazz laying on the bed sound asleep. I made my way over to the side of the bed, pulling a chair out from the desk.
Soft snores echoed throughout the room, but I couldn’t just up and leave. I had to be there. I needed this just as much as Jazz needed me. I was fucking lost without her.
I didn’t know how long I sat there staring at her beautiful face, when she started whimpering. I sat up in the chair, unsure what to do, until she spoke our vows aloud, and then started sobbing. That was when I fucking lost it. I got on my knees and grabbed her hand, letting her know that it was okay. That I was right there with her. Jazz stayed asleep, attached to her dream, not wanting to let go.
My mind was baffled. Jazz couldn’t be my sister. There was no possible way. I believed what Brix and Brayden said earlier tonight. If anything, Jazz looked like her mom and maybe resembled a little bit of Uncle Teto. But not my dad. She didn’t look like him or any of my brothers.
There had to be a way to fix this shit. There had to be a way to win her back. I couldn’t risk the chance of not only losing my daughter, but losing the love of my life as well. I couldn’t allow my family to be torn apart.
When Jazz looked like she had fallen back to sleep, I pushed back the chair and climbed in the bed beside her. I wrapped my arm around her waist, pulling her against my chest.
Just like any other time, Jazz nestled her body into my embrace. I was able to hold my wife and drift into a somber rest, feeling peace again for the first time today.
**
The sun crept through the blinds, letting me know it was morning. I rolled onto my back and opened my eyes, stretching my arms above my head. I rolled back to the side and came face to face with Jazz. When I lifted my head, I caught her staring intently at me. I raised my hand, pushing her hair out of her face.
“Hey, baby.”
Jazz’s eyes filled up with tears, and at the very moment, I wanted to kick my own ass for opening my mouth. Maybe I shouldn’t have come over here last night; however, I was afraid to go home. I had never spent a night without Jazz in my arms since we had first gotten together. Everywhere she went, I followed behind her and vice versa. We were inseparable.
But I took a chance, anyway, and leaned in, brushing my lips against hers. Jazz didn’t move, didn’t budge. She didn’t kiss me back.
I let go of my hold around her, giving her some space. I sat up, cradling my face in my hands, and allowed my own tears to fall.
“I’m sorry, B,” Jazz whispered so softly.
I sat back, resting against the headboard. “You didn’t do anything to be sorry for, baby. This isn’t our fault. We didn’t know. I had no idea my father went out on my mom. From the way they had always been mushy and shit, I guess I just assumed they shared the same kind of love like you and me.”
“But it’s wrong, B. I can’t continue on like this.”
My heart stopped beating. I couldn’t believe she had said that to me. Our marriage wasn’t something you just threw away. We were united as one. Splitting up wasn’t an option.
“What if we’re not related, Jazz? Then what? We just throw everything away because you’re too scared to find out?”
I stood up from the bed. “This is bullshit and you know it.” I reached down and grabbed her arm, pulling her to her feet. I wrapped my arms around her waist, refusing to let go. “I’m not giving up on us. I refuse. We have a daughter who needs us both together, not just one or the other.”
Jazz shifted her head to the side of my chest so she couldn’t look at me. I grabbed her face, holding it in front of me, and cried, not caring if she wanted to push me away.
“I love you, baby. I love you so fucking much. I can’t let you go.”
I pulled her against my chest and sobbed as I held her in her arms. Jazz didn’t touch me, but she didn’t push me away either.
We stood there and I cried for everything we lost, everything we shared, and everything we knew we would face in the coming days. I kissed the top of her head then released her from my arms. She sat down on the mattress, staring at the floor.
“For what it’s worth, I’ll always love you. But this,” she said and looked up, pointing between the two of us. “This is over. We can’t continue our relationship.”
I shook my head, understanding why she felt like she had to give up. Not only was this a lot to handle, it was morally wrong. If, in fact, we were related, it wouldn’t be safe for Savanah or our future children.
Even though Savanah had been healthy, I wasn’t about to bring that up to Jazz. Not right now. She didn’t need the added stress with everything else going on.
I bent down on one knee and brushed her hand across my lips. “No matter what happens, no one will ever replace you. I won’t give up on us. I won’t move forward until I can prove we were made for each other.” I kept her fingers on my mouth for a few more seconds, and then stood on my feet, setting her hand down on her leg. Even though this was the hardest thing I had ever done, I made my way over to the door, giving Jazz the time she needed away from me.
I reached for the handle then turned around to face her one more time.
“I love you, Jazzy. I'll never let you go.” I stepped into the hallway, closing the door behind me. I took a deep breath and forced myself to leave. It was the hardest thing I had ever done.
I walked through the living room, stopping at the front door. Brayden was sitting on the couch drinking his coffee.
“You good, man?”
I shrugged my shoulders, not wanting to throw any more shit on him. Brayden had a life; he had a career, something to look forward to. This wasn’t his problem. I had a lot to do, but I refused to bring my little brother down. I hurt enough for all of us.
“No, but I’ll be okay. I just have a lot to prove.” I unlocked the latch and pulled open the door. “I’ll see you around.”
I knew there had to be something I could do to make this right. If I felt at all like Jazz was my father’s biological daughter, I would have to let her go, but I couldn’t give up that easy. That girl had been my fucking world for five years. I would never be able to move on without her by my side. All of this was killing me. Slowly and painfully, I felt like I was dying.
Chapter Eighteen
Jazz
When Brax said he wasn’t going to give up on us, I wanted to jump in his arms and beg him to take me home. But none of this was right. As much I wanted to hold onto everything he had said, I knew I had to find a way to move on with my life. The problem was that Brax was my life. He meant everything to me. I didn’t think I could ever make it without him.
I stayed in Kelly’s spare bedroom for the next three days. I couldn’t face my friends or anyone for that matter. I texted Amelia and checked on Savanah, but that was as far as it went. I missed my daughter terribly, but I couldn’t be around her either. I knew if I went and picked her up, the minute I saw her I would be reminded of Brax and things would be a lot harder than I could handle right now. Dealing with everything had been too much, so I did the one thing I had been famous for my whole life, and pushed myself into a hole of depression that I couldn’t dig my way out of.
I didn’t shower, I barely ate, and when Kelly begged me too many times to get up and do something, she got fed up and called an intervention with our friends. Stone, Tanya, and Kelly invaded the room, demanding I figure out what I was going to do and move on with my life. I knew they just wanted the best for me, but the best no longer existed. I was doomed.
“You can’t live like this, Jazz. You just can’t,” Tanya stated. “Think about Savanah. Think about how she must be feeling, not knowing what’
s going on or where her mommy and daddy are. You’ve got to pull yourself out of this. You and B need to think about what you’re going to do and move forward. Moping isn’t going to do anything.”
I kept my focus on my lap, playing with my fingernails. I didn’t need to hear this from their mouths. I didn’t want to. What they thought was irrelevant. Not one of them knew what I was feeling.
“She’s right, Jazz.” Stone moved across the room, taking a seat beside me on the bed. “Tell us what to do. Tell us how to help and we’ll do it. But you’ve got to fight your way through this.”
It was easy for everyone to give their two cents considering they had never been through something like this. I mean, what would they have done differently? How would they have handled something this extreme? Because I sure as shit would like to know.
No one understood the morbid thought running through my mind. I wanted to drench myself in gasoline and light a match to my skin. Catching my body on fire wouldn’t solve anything, I knew that, but it sure as shit would have made this disgusting feeling go away. Anything had to feel better than this.
A hand touched my leg, forcing me to look up. It was Stone and the minute I looked into his eyes, I wanted to crawl under the bed and hide. Kelly walked out the door, slamming it shut behind her. I couldn’t be mad at her for the frustration she was feeling, but she needed to just let me deal with everything on my own. If she wanted me to leave her house then I would. That was all she needed to say. I had no problem finding somewhere else to go.
Tanya stood directly in front of me, leaning against the wall. You could tell she had been crying. I felt bad for putting my friends in this position, but I didn’t know where else to turn. I would have been fine left alone in the park, but of course, they wouldn’t let me be.
I scooted back on the mattress and looked back at Stone, wanting him to hurry up and say what he needed to say. But once I saw the pity on his face, it literally made me sick.
How did someone pick up the pieces after they found out their husband might very well be their half-brother? How did they move forward without a care in the world? I wasn’t like normal people. My life had never been simple. I took everything to heart, and out of all people, Kelly, Tanya, and Stone knew this. They knew once I was forced down, it took time to pick me back up. That was the only way I knew how to handle situations that crossed my path. But this was far worse than anything I had ever been handed.
“I know this can’t be easy.” Stone stared into my eyes. “I get it. We just want to help you. We’ll do anything you want, anything you need, Jazz, but you’ve got to say something. Sitting here, not wanting to face reality is just making things worse. Go get in the shower. I’m going to take you for a ride. You’re going to get some fresh air, and I will help you get out of this funk.”
Kelly walked back in the room and handed me some clothes. “Here,” she said.
I took them out of her hands and noticed they were mine.
“B dropped them off yesterday. He knew you would need them eventually.”
“Thanks,” I told her and walked out of the room. I went into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. If getting out of here was going to get them to shut up and leave me the hell alone, then I would do it. I really wanted to be by myself, but seeing how they weren’t going to leave me alone, I had no other choice than to swallow this shit up and go.
**
After my shower, I left Kelly’s condo with Stone. I didn’t fix my hair or put make-up on. I left feeling and looking like a hot mess. When I looked in the mirror, I was reminded of how far I had come over the years. I used to go to school looking like a lost soul. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself. That meant dealing with people and back then, I was better off alone. I might have been young and naïve, but it worked, until Brax walked into my life.
Stone drove us around in his two thousand thirteen Jeep Wrangler. It was white with dark tinted windows and sat high off the ground. Stone bought it last summer, wanting to ride with the top down on the beach. It was a badass truck, but after being in it for a little over two hours, I’d had enough.
“You hungry yet?” he asked, keeping his eyes trained on the road.
I stared out the window where I had looked since we started this journey and said, “I guess.”
Stone exhaled a loud breath. I could tell he was frustrated to no end with me, but he didn’t have to do this. He could have very well left me in the room at Kelly’s and I would have been just fine. But no. Kelly, Stone, and Tanya liked to push my buttons until they got their way. And if I didn’t give it to them, all hell would break loose. I was over it.
He drove through Baltimore City and made an illegal U-turn, jumping back onto Key Highway near the Inner Harbor Marina. When he pulled into the parking lot, he found an open spot and parked outside of Rusty Scupper. Stone shut off the engine and opened his door. I climbed out my side of the Jeep and followed behind him, burying my nose in my jacket. It was freezing out there and we were next to the water. I hoped we were eating indoors, because I couldn’t take the chill running through my body.
The restaurant was busy but not overcrowded. The hostess grabbed two menus and seated us in the back. The view was magnificent. The windows covered every corner of the walls, giving us the perfect outlook of the water.
I pulled off my jacket, hanging it on the back of my chair, and then glanced over the menu. The waiter came and took our drink order, giving us time to decide what kind of meal we wanted to order.
“Have you eaten here before?” I asked.
“A few times. The food is pretty decent.”
I didn’t bother asking him anything else. I could tell by the way Stone had been acting that he was irritated from my behavior earlier today.
A few minutes later, the waiter sat down our drinks before taking our order. We closed our menus and handed them off to him, as he stepped aside to the next table.
My hands were fidgeting in my lap. I was starting to feel more uncomfortable, which was weird. I had always felt at peace whenever Stone and I hung out, so this was out of the “norm” for me.
“Are you gonna say something, or just sit there staring off in space?”
I leaned my elbows on top of the table, resting my hands under my chin, and stared directly at him.
“What would you like to me say, Stone? Oh, wait…how about this…How’s the weather over there? Or how’s work going?”
He rolled his eyes, clearly frustrated. “You know, for a smart girl like yourself, Jazz, I thought more of you.”
“Seriously?” Was he kidding? “Why’s that? Because I can’t handle the fact that I may very well be married to my fucking brother? Is that it? Or wait…maybe because I’m acting like a royal bitch since my life is officially over?”
I was livid. I knew Stone was Brax’s best friend, but he was also one of mine. We had been close for many years; I was baffled by his crude remarks.
How could he be such a dick to me while I was facing all this shit? Did he not take a step back for one minute and think how this would make me feel? How this affected me? It was fucking sick. SICK. No one got it. No one understood and it pissed me the hell off.
Stone reached for my hand across the table, but I pushed my chair back, moving further away from his reach. Fuck him. He couldn’t say shit like that to me and expect everything to just be okay. I was not a fucking doormat. I wasn’t a punching bag to him or anyone else for that matter. You couldn’t just stomp on someone while they were down and then act like everything was normal. This shit was insane and definitely unacceptable in my eyes.
“Hey,” he whispered, but I ignored him. The waiter brought our food over, giving me something to turn my focus on.
Had I known Stone was going to act like a douchebag, I would have never come with him. I would have stayed at Kelly’s or asked her to take me to get my car.
Stone ate his meal in uncomfortable silence, while I sat back and picked at my plate. I was starving
but had no desire to eat anything. Giving my body any kind of satisfaction felt wrong. It felt as though I needed to suffer for being so blind for all these years, which made me end up pushing myself further away, not realizing the effects it would have on my body.
I did, however, manage to drink four Blue Moons without having anything other than a few fries in my stomach. I was feeling a bit loopy. I had never been a big drinker in the past; however, I was shamelessly topping the charts tonight.
Stone hadn’t said another word or tried to apologize the entire time we were at Rusty Scupper. Once he was finished eating, he paid our tab and helped me walk to the Jeep, seeing how I was stumbling all over the damn place.
Stone placed his hands on my hips, helping me inside the Jeep, then leaned across the middle to buckle my seatbelt. When he pulled back, I caught the scent of his cologne, inhaling him in through my nose.
God, he smelled divine.
When Stone pushed his body up, our mouths were just a few inches apart. He stared at my lips like he wanted to kiss me but pulled back and shut the door. He jogged around to the other side of the Jeep then climbed inside.
“Where to now?”
I guess that was how he was going to be. Would he really have kissed me? God, my mind was so tormented with thoughts, I was driving myself crazy. I didn’t know if I would have kissed Stone, but something inside of me told me to go with my gut. However, my gut feelings have never matched up with my heart. I would have been in for a rude awakening if I did what my body always wanted me to do.
Hold up…I couldn’t allow myself to kiss Stone. Why in the hell was I even thinking that way? This was exactly what happened when people got drunk. They acted out on things they had no business doing. You could get yourself in serious trouble going off of emotions and that wasn’t something I could handle, especially at a time like this, drunk or not.
I burst out laughing at my ridiculous thoughts. I was about as dumb as dumb could get.