I felt like I had just overdosed, like my body was now going into shock a little with how good it felt, and we both collapsed. I just barely managed to fall on my side so that I wouldn’t crush her, my cock sliding out of her. Holly made a whimpering noise of loss from it, and I had the sudden image of lying in bed with her for hours, my cock inside of her all the while, keeping herself tight and warm around me. She’d try not to squirm, she’d try to stay still, but I’d be able to feel her trembling, feel her need.
The fact that I was having such thoughts was dangerous. I should be convinced I couldn’t let this happen again. I should be planning how to gently and thoughtfully put an end to this affair. I shouldn’t be thinking about what I wanted to do with her in the future, next time. There shouldn’t be a next time.
And yet…
I could probably admit, at least to myself, that there was no way I could give her up. I held her in my arms, felt every warm, soft curve of her, and fuck did I still want her. I wished I was younger if only so that I could get hard again, roll her over and fuck her while she was still loose and sloppy from last time. What a concept. I’d make her sob with how sensitive she was. It would be perfect.
Maybe, if this was just about sex, I still could’ve walked away. Could’ve put my foot down. But it wasn’t just about sex. I cared about Holly. I worried for her, I was protective of her, I wanted her to do well.
And this possessive feeling… I’d never felt like this for someone, this all-consuming need to belong to them and to have them belong to me. I had dated since Kelly and I divorced, but it had always been casual from the start. I’d never thought I would feel anything serious for anyone, after all of this time. I’d just resigned myself to fun, lighthearted affairs. Wining and dining, luxurious hotel rooms, it was all fun and games. I hadn’t even had any of the women meet Dawn. What was the point, after all, when the relationship wasn’t going to go anywhere?
This, though. The way that I felt about Holly. It was different. I wanted her to be a part of me, I wanted to be a part of her, yours and mine.
That was more dangerous than any sexual attraction I felt towards her. That softness in my heart towards her, the desire to have her, that was what worried me.
Fuck. I didn’t want to walk away from her, but I had to. For the sake of both of us, and the sake of our families. She might not see it that way—in fact she probably wouldn’t—but I had to be the stronger person here. One of us had to be and I was the older person here. I had more responsibility.
Clearly, telling her a straight out ‘no’ wouldn’t work. It hadn’t before, both because it had hurt her and because she hadn’t listened to it. Not to mention I was damn bad at saying no to her. I wanted her so badly, perhaps going cold turkey wasn’t the way to go—it would only lead to more nights like this.
I could admit my own weakness when it came to Holly. I just couldn’t let that weakness get any greater, any stronger. And I had to let Holly’s own determination run its course. She was young, she was headstrong and reckless, but that sort of thing didn’t last. She would move onto someone else, something else, soon enough.
Yes, I told myself as I got up to put on my clothes. A gradual approach would be best. I’d let this fade away and let her get over this infatuation and move on.
Even if it hurt me to get up from the bed and leave her.
“How’s your new job going?” I asked. “You sure you’re up for managing?”
Holly smiled. “I’m enjoying this. It’s a challenge. It’s talent management, negotiation, accounting, and marketing. Especially since it’s a small band so I don’t have a budget to hire other people to help me out, it’s all on me. But I’m having fun and I’ve gotten a few good bookings for my group. I think it’s the kind of fun, challenging job that would suit me well.”
I nodded. “I knew you’d be a natural.”
Matt really didn’t have to worry about her in the professional department. He’d been concerned about her finding her passion, and yet here she was, pursuing her own path and doing a good job of it.
“And if there’s any time to take a risk and go after something like this, it’s now, while you’re young.”
No, Matt didn’t have to worry about his daughter’s professional life. He did have to worry about her personal one.
Not that I would be the person to tell him that.
“Sounds like you’re going to be kept pretty busy,” I added. “That’s good, because I’ve been called to consult on a diagnosis up in Boston. I’ll be gone for a while.”
Holly looked a little sad. “How long?”
I shrugged, doing up my pants. “A few weeks, maybe. Then I’ve got a conference on the latest in medical technology overseas, and then some meetings in New York to discuss updates on the reader.”
‘The reader’ was the slang term I’d used for years when discussing the medical device I had invented back when Dawn was born. I’d been up all night because Dawn was a fussy kid, and even though usually Kelly was the one who could comfort her, since Dawn often wanted to nurse, I’d been unable to sleep while the two of them were awake. I’d ended up thinking about work and medical technology, reading up on it while I’d rocked Dawn in my arms, scribbling and doodling designs while Kelly walked back and forth with her, and the device I’d ended up coming up with had been wildly successful.
But no technology could exist just as it was forever. Especially in the ever-changing field of medicine. It was important to update with the times and stay on top of things so that we could continue to help people as much as possible.
I finished putting on my shirt and smoothed out my hair. “It sounds like we’re both going to be busy, so maybe it’s best to keep this thing between us casual. We’ll see each other when we can, but no pressure.”
Holly’s expression was impossible to read. She looked a little withdrawn, but that was as much as I could guess. She nodded, though. “I’m going to go take a shower.”
“Great. I’ve got to head out.” I was supposedly at a dinner with colleagues, so I needed to head out before Dawn got suspicious.
Holly just sat there, still unusually still, so I gave her a kiss on the forehead before I put on my shoes. She got up and without a word walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind her.
Fuck. Clearly she was upset. Dawn might not have met any of my little flings over the years but she knew about them, and that meant Holly knew about them. She probably felt like she was just another fling to me, when that was the opposite of the truth. But how could I tell her? I had to do what was best for both of us, even if it hurt.
She was young, she would get over it soon enough.
Doesn’t change the fact that you’re being an ass, a fierce voice at the back of my head whispered.
I was disgusted with myself, and I felt that way the entire way home. Even after another shower, I couldn’t scrub off the feeling of sliminess from my skin.
14
Holly
I was in the band’s rehearsal space—well. Calling it a rehearsal space was a little generous. It was Simon’s garage. But it was where the band prepped for shows, and we made it work.
Honestly, I was really starting to like the guys. And their music was really good. Even without being their manager, I found myself becoming a fan. Sure, it was a little young in some ways—I could still tell they were new artists, finding their voice and honing their craft—but they were on an upward trajectory. I was beyond excited to be the person who helped them on their way to the top.
The guys seemed to like me too—although that was a no brainer. I had gotten them some great bookings. I seemed to have a knack for handling them, not just by booking them good gigs but by handling their personalities. Maybe I could actually turn this into a real career.
I wouldn’t tell this to anyone, not even Dawn, but I had entered this thing on a whim because it had seemed fun and it would give me something to do with my time as I figured out what to do with my life. But I was
discovering that I really enjoyed it. I wanted to do more with it.
The band finished up their run-through and I clapped appreciatively. “Great job, guys. And as a reward… I have some good news for you.” I grinned. “The perfect gig: a week-long residency at a bar on Tybee Island.”
Everyone jumped to their feet, excited. Tybee Island was a beach community just three hundred miles from Atlanta, with sand, surf, and plenty of visitors. It was a fantastic place to get a lot of exposure and possibly noticed by important people who could help us get even further.
“The bar’s connected to a hotel,” I added. “So, our rooms are comped.”
A few band members whooped. I was so proud of myself I felt like I was going to burst.
“We need burgers to celebrate!” our bassist said. “Want to head on over?”
I shook my head. “I think I have a touch of the stomach flu so I’m going to pass.”
To be honest, I probably would’ve passed anyway, but at least I had this as a legitimate excuse.
“You guys go on without me,” Simon said, waving the other band members ahead. “I’ll catch up, I want to wrap up some of this equipment.”
The rest of the band nodded, said goodbye to me, and set out, all smiles and relaxed postures. I was glad they were so happy, but I hoped they wouldn’t become overconfident. I’d have to work hard to make sure that they stayed on course or their early hubris would be the death of their quality and therefore their career.
“Seems like you’re living up to your big claims when we first met,” Simon said with a smile. “That was over a month ago, and look what you’ve done for us.”
I smiled back at him. “I’m glad you’re impressed.”
“You never fail to impress me.” He looked me over from head to toe, heat in his gaze. There was no way I could misunderstand that look, but I ignored it. It wasn’t the first time Simon had looked at me like that and I’d gotten used to pretending I didn’t see it.
“In fact…” Simon stepped a little closer. “I haven’t been interested in another woman since we met.”
Well, that was just ridiculous. I rolled my eyes. “I’ve seen how the girls throw themselves at you.” The idea that he’d never thought about having one of them was ludicrous.
Simon shrugged. “You’re better than any groupie.”
“Thank you for the compliment, truly. I appreciate it. But I’m not interested in a relationship. I was honest about that when you asked me out the first time.”
“Well.” Simon smirked. “How about a hookup?”
I shook my head, a smile on my face. “Nope.”
“You must still be hung up on that dad type I’d seen you around with before.” Simon’s tone was teasing. “how come he hasn’t shown up to any other concerts?”
He was just joking around, but I could feel my smile fading. Simon grew serious and stared at me, as if in a bit of shock that his teasing had actually made me upset.
“He’s out of town,” I said quickly, trying for a lighthearted smile and failing miserably.
To my surprise, Simon switched attitudes completely. His lighthearted, teasing attitude faded away and he put a comforting arm around my shoulders. “I was just messing with you—I’m sorry. I didn’t realize he actually meant something to you. But he does, doesn’t he?”
I nodded. “It’s okay. About your teasing, I mean, I know that you didn’t really mean it.”
“How serious is it, with him?”
“I don’t know. I do really like him. But…”
Simon squeezed my shoulders. “C’mon, let’s go inside, I’ll get you some soup for your stomach. We’ll talk.”
“Thank you.” I’d had no idea that Simon could be so selfless, changing from flirtatious to a supportive friend in the blink of an eye. I had underestimated his character, and I was just grateful that he was giving up on being with me and ready to help me out with my heartbreak.
We settled into the kitchen and I explained the situation. It was such a weight off my shoulders to be able to talk to someone about it since I couldn’t talk to Dawn. Usually she’d be my go-to girl on, well, absolutely anything. We’d been there for each other our entire lives. But this was the one thing I couldn’t share with her.
Simon listened patiently, nodding in sympathy as I explained. “And then—at the end of all that—he says he wants to do casual. And I suppose, y’know, maybe I should be happy with that, right? That he’s not trying to deny what we have anymore. But it just felt like—like he was dismissing me, putting me in the same category as all those other women and I don’t want that. I want more. I want to show him that I am more.”
“Take some deep breaths,” Simon advised me, passing me a napkin to wipe my eyes.
“I’m sorry, I’m not usually this weepy, I don’t know what’s gotten into me.” I laughed self-deprecatingly as I cleaned myself up.
“Hey, you’re going through it, I get it. We’re all fools in love.”
I laughed again, then sobered up. “I just don’t understand how he went from thinking this was a bad idea to thinking we should just keep it casual. He seemed far too concerned about this whole thing to be okay with it being casual.”
“Well, maybe he doesn’t know what you want. From what you told me, you came on pretty strong with the sex. Maybe he thinks that’s all you want from him. Did you tell him that you’ve been in love with him all this time?”
I thought back to our previous trysts. While I had thought my devotion was clear in my actions, maybe it actually hadn’t been. I couldn’t recall actually telling him I’d had feelings for him all these years. “No, I didn’t.”
“There you go.” Simon smiled at me encouragingly. “You just have to explain it to him and I’m sure he’ll take it more seriously. Communication is important.” He squeezed my hand. “You’re an amazing woman, Holly. You’re a go-getter, you’re confident, you’re smart and you’re fun. There’s no reason why he won’t go all the way for you once he knows that’s what’s on the table.”
“Thanks, Simon, I appreciate it.”
The rest of the band returned with their burgers—and I knew it before I heard them, because I could smell the food.
A wave of nausea hit me, and I dashed for the bathroom, barely making it in time before throwing up in the toilet.
Great. That was dignified.
Simon gave me a glass of water when I was finished. “I think you should go get some flu medication. We can’t have you sick while we’re at Tybee.”
“You’re right, I’ll do that. Thanks, Simon. See you later, boys!” I waved to everyone else and beat a hasty retreat to the drugstore.
I was just walking down the aisle, lost in thought about Keith and what I should do, when I realized I was in the wrong section. This was the family planning aisle. Whoops.
I turned to head down the right aisle, only to pause as my eye snagged on the pregnancy tests.
You’re not pregnant, I told myself sternly, but of course now that the idea was in my head, I couldn’t get it out. It was just a basic instinct, I knew that. Even before I’d ever had sex, when I was still a virgin, if I was a few days late on my period I would internally freak out, wondering if I had somehow miraculously gotten pregnant.
Best to get a test just to prove to myself it’s all fine, I thought, and grabbed a couple. Then I got the flu medication I’d come for in the first place and checked out, heading home.
Simon was right, I thought to myself as I got home and set myself up. I had to prove to Keith that I was serious about our relationship. When I’d said that I didn’t want to meet a young man, that I wanted to be with Keith, I had thought that would make it clear that I wanted to be with him. But looking back, I realized that nothing of what I said indicated that I meant it romantically as well as sexually.
I’d never offered for us to go on a date or spend time together. Instead, I’d just relentlessly tried to have sex with him. I’d seduced his body, but what about his heart?
What an idiot I’d been. I could slap myself for my stupidity. How naïve did I have to be to think that in this day and age, simply giving my body to someone would be enough of an indication that I was also giving them my heart? We lived in a world where people had sex all the time, where casual flings were the norm.
Just because I had flung myself at Keith, was he supposed to read my mind? I cursed myself as I waited for the pregnancy test to register. I had proven myself to be the child that I’d told Keith, and myself, that I no longer was. I wanted to be an adult and yet I’d never looked him in the eye and said I have feelings for you, and I want to date you.
No wonder he had basically fled! Stupid, stupid girl, I chastised myself.
Taking a deep breath, I looked down at the stick, ready to see the negative sign and move on with my life.
But it wasn’t negative.
My heart started racing. I grabbed the second pregnancy test and did that one too, just in case. I’d heard of false positives before and I wasn’t going to move forward unless I was sure.
That one was also positive.
I swallowed hard, struggling around a dry throat. I was pregnant. Pregnant with Keith’s baby.
Part of me was elated for a second. Keith’s baby! This was wonderful! We would be a family, we—
Then the rest of reality came crashing down around me. No, this wasn’t wonderful. This was horrible. Timing was, that is. I had fantasized for years about being pregnant, about bringing Keith another child and starting our family. But that had always been later, after we’d been married, after I had a couple more years to work on my career (whatever that career might be).
I really didn’t know what to do with this.
We weren’t even properly together yet! I hadn’t even told Keith that I was in love with him! What was I supposed to do? I had no idea.
My first thought was to call him. To tell him. It was his child too, he should know—but no. No, he would just freak out. Just look at how he’d behaved when we’d slept together. Did I think he’d be able to handle hearing the news that I was pregnant? No way, no, I couldn’t tell him yet.
My Best Friend's Daddy (Forbidden Temptations) Page 8