by Felicia Lynn
That’s where Whitney and I are different. Whitney is incapable of shutting out those that she cares about. She makes room for everyone, even if it’s at a detriment to her own private time that I know she enjoys. She figures it out so that everyone gets a piece of her.
Dave was listed as Kelly’s emergency contact on all her paperwork. I guess after she completed her stint in rehab she never changed it but I’m not sure whom else she could have chosen. Her parents have long since written her off and even with the news of her current state her parents told Dave verbatim ‘she’s not our problem anymore.’
I guess I can relate to that sort of abandonment but unlike me, Kelly doesn’t have the McKenna family, she didn’t have someone who was willing to give up almost anything in the world to save her. Hell… even a small fucking sacrifice of time for lunch was probably too much to ask of me lately.
Would I have been willing to trade a lunch with Whitney for that of one with Kelly? No… I wouldn’t have even considered it but I can’t see into the future. I didn’t know she was this fragile. I didn’t know that she needed me yesterday while I was spending the hour with Whitney and her friend, Max, from work. She made efforts to introduce me to him.
Could I have shown Kelly that same respect? Would Whitney have understood given the circumstances and her first introduction to Kelly? Yeah… My guess is that deep down Whitney hates the idea of people suffering no matter the cause. She would have been the better, bigger person. She would have trusted my judgment. That’s her thing.
She reminds me all the time to trust her judgment and vise versa and I do and have in all cases except the one of the fucking gym trainer I’d like to maim. Even when Max made several sexually charged statements yesterday, a few times made me want to whip out my dick and piss all over my girl claiming her as my own. I had to suck that shit up and trust that this guy my girl likes to eat lunch with was an acceptable person. Overall I think he is and I agree, but his one liner’s confuse me.
My girl has suffered. She doesn’t talk about it and she would never admit it but I hear it in her dreams and sometimes when she’s worried or scared, I see it in her eyes. She’s tough as steel and I’ve yet to see her break down or shed a tear. Her armor is tough and even though her walls are slowly weakening, they are far from falling down.
Kelly isn’t like that. She never has been. She needs constant reassurances. Her self worth is nonexistent. She’s not been able to keep a steady job; her so-called ‘friends’ have always been questionable. Hell even my friendship with her should be questioned. I fell off the face of the earth as soon as something better came along.
Dave took me to her room hoping that if she knew that she had friends here and had some support she’d pull through, she’d fight. After two days of sitting by her bed side there’s been no change and I can’t will myself to leave. I need her to feel the love and friendship surrounding her. Yet it’s only Dave and I taking turns sitting and holding her hand telling her stories over and over hoping against hope that she hears it.
When Whit texted me earlier I wanted to tell her what was happening. I wanted to open up to her and tell her I was scared to lose my friend, but my fear is that she’ll see Kelly’s relapse as a possibility for me. I don’t need to plant that seed, so I’ve kept her in the dark.
My cell phone rings and I know it’s not Whit. She’s been sleeping for hours. It’s well after eleven and she went to bed around nine thirty. She likes early nights and early mornings. It’s her work schedule and she needs her rest. No less than eight hours every night.
I swipe to answer when I see Eric’s name across my screen. Eric like me has shitty sleep patterns. I think it’s partially the touring that causes that.
“Hey” I answer.
There’s loud noise in the background. He’s probably at a bar shooting pool or throwing darts.
“Dude, where are you? Haven’t seen you in a week. And you haven’t returned my call from last night. What the fuck? Come hang out!” He says happily.
Eric, although he loves the bar atmosphere because he says it’s sparks his creativity, he doesn’t drink much. He’ll have the occasional beer but I’ve never seen him hammered, which is why he always wins every game of pool and darts. Those idiots in the bars never put two and two together that he’s the only sober one beside me when I’m around.
I haven’t even thought to let the guys know what’s going on. Again… I’m an asshole.
“Man, I’m in the hospital. It’s Kelly. She OD’d. It’s not good.” I say from the hall just outside her door.
“Fuck Jon… can’t you make a phone call? What the hell? What hospital?” He asks urgently and I can tell with the fading background noise that’s he’s on the move.
I tell him where we are and what room and even though visiting hours have long since passed the nurses and doctors know the importance of Kelly being surrounded by friends if she’s going to pull through; and at this point machines are breathing for her.
Eric makes it there in less than fifteen minutes and Garrett is just behind him by another five. When I see Garrett walk into the room concern over the fact that I have to tell Whitney takes over. My anxiety is through the roof now. If Garrett knows, which rightfully he should, I shouldn’t keep secrets from them, Alexis knows. If Alexis knows, it’s just a few short hours before she hears this news from someone other than me.
I hear her words in my head. ‘Jon, I trust your judgment.’ I need to get to her. I already told her in the text I’d try to get to her tonight. I wasn’t really sure I’d be able to follow through with that a couple hours ago. I was scared to leave Kelly and have her feel abandoned or in that moment she needed a friend the most I needed was to run off to be consoled by my girlfriend.
Eric takes the seat by her bed and leans in close to her ear. He starts tapping out a beat and humming the lyrics of the song we wrote in the studio the day she was there. Hell… singing to her, why didn’t I think of that? Garrett is getting the scoop on her condition, and in full Garrett McKenna style has already been on the phone with the director of the hospital to take over any necessary medical bills to assure the best possible care.
Kelly’s parents turned over medical power of attorney to Dave earlier today when they told him they had already washed their hands of their daughter’s issues and needed no further updates on her care or condition.
He held it together through that conversation and didn’t call them every fucking name in the book that I did once he told me what had transpired. I had already been fully willing to take on the expense of her medical care. I can certainly afford to do that. However, McKenna isn’t to be challenged in these situations, and as much as I hate it the Garrett McKenna name gets a lot better care and service than that of Mr. Jon Cooper.
After thirty-six hours of no sleep, I’m ready to pass out. I slump myself into the hard sofa in the corner of the room. Dave looks over at me.
“Jon. Get out of here. Go get some rest. I’ll stay until morning. You’ve been her two days, no more bud.”
Eric takes that moment to pipe in.
“Actually I say you all get the fuck out of here. I’ll stay. Garrett needs to get home to his kids and wife. Dave, you look like a fucking train wreck. And Jon, go climb your ass in bed and love your girl. You look like you could use some love and you’re not fucking getting it in this room.”
We all look at each other confused as to if Eric, the most laid back guy in the world, the guy that’s obsessed with stupid video games and hanging out in bars is really here taking control of this delicate situation.
What the hell is happening? He’s holding Kelly’s hand with one hand and back to singing in her ear. We sit in quiet for a few minutes waiting. Dave checks in with the night nurse and makes sure the contact numbers are correct. We all make Eric promise that he won’t get bored and leave or at the very least to call us before he does.
Minutes later I’m in my truck on the way to my girl. I need to be with her a
nd I need to tell her what’s happened before she hears it from someone else.
Whitney
It’s after midnight when I feel him slide in bed. Oh… he feels so good. I inch my way back into the few extra centimeters of space so that every part of my body is folded into his.
His hands are not roaming my body as they normally would when he surprises me in bed and I’m hopeful this is just a result of him being tired and not him losing interest in me. That’s my fear with a guy like Jon. A guy that can have any woman he wants. Women throw themselves at those guys. I saw that when we went to the concert in Nashville. But even that night with all those women it was still me that he wanted on his arm. It was me who he escorted out of the arena.
I settle into him pushing away the negative thoughts along with my insecurities and eventually fall into sleep what feels like long after Jon’s breathing becomes deep. I know he’s sleeping, and Jon asleep before me, a first time for everything.
My alarm sounds at 6:00 am and Jon attempts to pull me back into bed and into his arms when I try to get up. I laugh at his attempt and tell him I’m going to shower. I’m in the bathroom waiting for the shower water to warm when he comes in with a cup of tea for me and a coffee for himself.
He places both cups on the counter and takes me into his arms.
“I love you Whitney Patrick.” He says squeezing me tight.
Even though we have said those words to each other. There aren’t words we throw around just to say. We agreed that when we say those words there would be meaning and intention behind them. Words without an action attached means nothing. And in this moment I feel the love, I feel it in his embrace, I see it in his eyes but I also know that something is wrong.
I walk to the shower turning off the water and cross the short length of the room to stand in front of Jon. I take his face in the palms on my hands and look him into the eyes.
“What’s wrong?” I ask and I see the fear.
He pauses, takes a deep breath and doesn’t lose eye contact for even a second.
“Kelly… my friend from my group, from AA, she OD’d. She’s in the hospital. It’s bad. I’ve been there a couple days.”
He’s telling me all that’s happened and I’m not really sure how to respond. I mean this is Jon we’re talking about. I can see how hurt he is by the situation and I’m confused about my role. Am I supposed to stand beside him during this as he waits for the fate of his friend, which is solely in God’s hands at this point? Or do I tell him I’m here to talk if he needs a shoulder and go about my normal life?
I trust Jon. I trust that there’s nothing more with this girl. I trust that she’s his friend but this isn’t my place and he’s not asked me to be there. He called Eric and Garrett. I need to learn my place.
I nod my head, feeling hurt that I wasn’t a consideration for a supporter like Eric and Garrett. I get that they’ve been part of his life longer but he loves me, well… he said he did. But when the going got tough the tough called someone else.
“I’ll be here if you need me, I suppose.” I say with as much sincerity as I can muster and trying to hide my hurt.
“Thanks babe.” He says taking his cup of coffee and going into the bedroom to check his phone and what appears to me as call and check in on Kelly.
My heart feels as if it breaks into hundreds of tiny shards in that moment not the big pieces that leave gaping holes that everyone sees. No the tiny ones that do lots of damage by leaving behind a million little paper cuts that are almost invisible to the eye.
I turn on the shower again only this time not taking the time for the shower to warm up. I know that I am seconds from tears and not only do I not want to see them, I under no circumstances will allow Jon to see them.
As soon as the cool water hit my face I’m thankful for the lack of time to warm the shower. The cool water feels so nice on the stream of what feels like lava tears escaping my eyes. In the last three years I have cried one other time and that was the day that my best friend lost her husband and had to tell her daughter that her daddy wasn’t coming home.
As much as that was a sad day and their pain hurt me physically, in so many ways this feels worse. I trusted him when he said I love you. I trusted him when he told me how much he valued me and needed me by his side and the first real chance to put his money where his mouth is and show me with actions, he didn’t. He called his band mates. He called his brothers and though I can live with not being called first with the news, I wasn’t called at all when he needed a shoulder. That’s what hurts the most. I’m just the girl he’s sleeping with I serve no emotional value.
When I’m sure the tears are in the past and successfully washed away with no notice, I get out of the shower and make fast work of getting dressed for work. Jon asks why I’m rushing out the door almost forty minutes before my typical morning departure time. I lie to him for the first time since this little fling started and tell him I have an early meeting with Mr. Bellows. I know that with that first lie, the end is near and I feel the burning behind my eyeballs thinking of all that is at risk when this is over.
By the time I get to my office, I’m a wreck. I mean not that you could tell visually, I’m put together. No one will know that I’m completely broken inside unless I want him or her to know. My ‘suck it up, buttercup’ is plastered on my face and I fully intend to drown myself in work today and not give any of it another thought.
That is until my phone rings and I see Alexis’ name across my screen. I feel so incredibly fearful of all that’s at risk, that instead of answering, I switch my phone off and place it in my desk drawer.
Moments later when Max pops his head in asking if I want a coffee, I tell him I’m too busy and maybe tomorrow. My dismissive response is out of character and it does not go unnoticed but he still doesn’t ask questions and leaves telling me to have a nice day and not to work too hard.
Oh… I intend to work hard. I intend to drown myself in anything I can until I’m so exhausted that I have no choice but to pass out in a coma in my bed and forget. Forget that Jon ever came into my world in his whirlwind façade of happiness and amazing sex that made me question my own judgment. Forget that my relationship with Alexis, Sierra, and Mason are hanging in the balance when they have to choose him or me.
When Mr. Bello makes it into the office he does a double take as he sees me and wishes me a good morning before going to his own office. I’m unsure what that was about because I am almost always in the office working before his standard arrival time. Noting is out of place and nothing different, although the look on his face tells me something is off making me now question the stability of my job. The thing I love second most to the people in my life.
I stay in my office the entire day only taking time away from my work for bathroom breaks. I power through lunch eating a granola bar not bothering to take my normal quick break to the corner café. It’s too risky, the look on Mr. Bellow’s face told me something was wrong. Something was off and I can’t risk being the one that’s sent away. This job is my life.
Jon
Eric has refused to leave Kelly’s side most of the day even after I came in early this morning to relieve him. I see the exhaustion in his eyes and tell him to get lost just before dinner. I can see he does not want to go and feels a tremendous obligation to help. I’m sure it’s to help alleviate some of my guilt and the burden I feel to make things right.
Whitney seemed to take the news a lot better than I thought and didn’t ask any questions only told me to call if I needed her. Maybe I misjudged the possibility that she would be reminded that a relapse is a possibility for all drug users.
She must be really busy at work because she left in such a rush. I guess this trust thing is working.
When Eric leaves, I sit in the recliner next to Kelly’s bed holding her hand in my left hand and the remote to the television in the right. The ball game is on today and the Red Sox are playing the Yankees to sweep the series.
I’ve
been a life long Red Sox fan. It’s the one thing that Alexis and I have always had in common, as she’s a huge fan too. I’m not really sure the others really care much about baseball, other than Whit and Lex’s other best friend Kelsey who happens to be dating the Tampa Bay Rays first baseman, which annoys the piss out of Alexis. For being a Tampa girl it’s surprising how much she hates The Rays. The only other team she dislikes to the same caliber is The Yankees.
I lay the recliner back and let the sleep take hold. The lack of sleep over the last seventy-two hours is finally catching up to me, but as tired as I am I don’t and won’t drop Kelly’s fingers. I need her to feel the support.
I hear a gurgling noise and wake up. Things are beeping much louder than before. The nurses are rushing in and I’m really confused as to what is happening until I look over to Kelly with her eyes opened and see fear in her eyes. The nurses and doctors are standing over her. They are speaking loudly telling her to relax the muscles in her throat so they can remove the tube.
I move out of the way. I’m over in the corner and I quickly peck out a mass text to Dave, Eric, Garrett and Whitney telling them she’s awake. That’s all I have time to send before I hear her voice call out my name and for the first time in four days I finally feel like my world isn’t going collapse.
I rush over to stand next to her at least within her eyesight. I can’t get in the way. I just want her to see my presence.
It’s early in the morning and the sun is just rising. Dave and Eric must have had their phone ringers on because they both come rushing in minutes behind each other with Garrett just a little while later.
Kelly is awake and although feeling weak and overall not great, she’s going to be okay. Once the doctors are out of the way Eric is the first one at Kelly’s bedside. Which is a little weird to me considering they barely know each other but she seems quite pleased to see him so who am I to take issue with it. I look at Dave who’s looking to me for answers and shrug my shoulders feeling just as confused.