by Sky Corgan
It has to be my internal obsession with him that makes me want more, not the acts themselves. Sir was so incredibly gorgeous that I probably would have enjoyed anything he did to me. Maybe I even would have liked it if he had flogged me—done the things I had lied and told Janice that he had done.
No. That's preposterous. My pain tolerance has always been relatively low, and I've never really associated whipping and flogging with pleasure. It looks interesting, observing it on the computer, safely away from the reality of the kind of emotions and physical sensations that would cause. In practice, though, I'm not interested.
More than likely, I'm just craving closeness. I've been single for so long. Haven't met anyone decent since high school. David. The love of my life who went off to be an astronaut. Lofty dreams pulled us apart. I never would have wanted to be the one to stand in the way of his goals. I'm glad I didn't. I'm glad he moved out of state to go to college, far away from me, even if it broke my heart.
According to social media, he lives in Houston now with his beautiful wife and their two kids. I still haven't been able to move on. He was my first real love, the only man I've given myself to, and I've compared every man to him ever since. No one has stacked up. No one has even come close to stacking up.
I glance over at Derrick. At least, I'll always have my gay boyfriend. We don't hang out very often, but Derrick has always been there when I've needed him. Ever since I started working for Environ Design, he's taken me under his wing. It feels like he's the closest thing I'll ever have to a real boyfriend, at this point.
Maybe my little tryst at Flesh wasn't the worst thing. Lately, it feels like my life has been going nowhere, that I've fallen into a lull of repetition. Wake up, go to work, come home, go to bed. Occasionally, go out with Janice and Derrick on the weekends. Maybe meet a guy I think I might be interested in. Then realize that he either has a crappy job, emotional issues, or drama surrounding him. Compare him to David. Run in the other direction. I've even turned a few acceptable guys away because they just weren't what I was looking for. I don't really know what I'm looking for anymore. Maybe I should just stop looking.
“Derrick.” I fidget with my fingernails, realizing that we're approaching the destination, and I need to get my thoughts out quickly if we're going to discuss them at all. When Tyra told me that we had an assignment together today, my mind went wild with the conversation that Derrick and I were going to have about my adventurous time at Flesh. But once we got into the car, I became so focused on the upcoming appointment that I pushed it off to the side. That's probably for the best. This stuff really isn't that important, but I still feel the need to talk about it.
“Hm?” he replies absentmindedly.
I hesitate, not sure how to word things without sounding shady. “Do you think it's wrong to want someone if the only way you can spend time with them is when they're at work?”
His body seems to stiffen a bit, and he narrows his brows as if he doesn't quite understand the question. I open my mouth to try to clarify it, but then he says, “No. I don't think that's wrong.”
I'm not sure what I should take from his answer, especially since I don't think he understood the question. My wording was so cryptic. It could have meant a dozen things aside from my intended meaning. Now I just feel stupid. I should come right out and say what I'm talking about, tell him about Flesh, but it's kind of embarrassing, knowing that it will sound like I'm confusing physical pleasure with emotional fulfillment. They're not the same thing. I'll never be emotionally fulfilled as long as I'm paying for attention. I have my own answer. It is wrong if I start getting attached to a phantom.
I try not to brood too much as I realize that throwing the card away was a good thing. It doesn't feel good, but oftentimes, the right thing never does. I'll get over it. I just need time. Time for the experience to fade from my mind. Time to distance myself from all things BDSM related and redirect my focus on finding a healthy relationship with a man who will respect me and treat me as his equal. The perfect guy for me is out there somewhere. I know he is. He has to be.
We pull onto Shaddelee Lane, and immediately I feel a tightness in my chest. I'm getting nervous, but I'm not sure why. There's no way we're going to land this client when there are two bigger fish circling around him. High-profile clients typically want the cream of the crop, and while our company is good, it doesn't have as many accolades as the others. All we can do is try our best and expect it to be a complete waste of time. At least, we'll still get paid for the consultation.
“This is it,” Derrick says when we reach the end of the street and pull up in front of the behemoth of a house.
It's every bit as beautiful as it was in the pictures. The concrete driveway is patterned to look like tile and seamlessly integrates with the path leading up to the house. Palm trees dot the small front yard, surrounded by perfectly manicured shrubberies and lush green grass. The terracotta color of the house and white trimmed windows give it an exotic feel, more like a vacation resort than a home.
I try not to gawk too much as I follow Derrick up the path to the door with my plate of cookies in hand. It's a shame we probably won't actually be able to work with the house, but at least it will be fun getting to take a look inside. A place like this is my dream home, something I'd never be able to afford on my salary.
When we reach the front door, we both take a moment to compose ourselves. Derrick clears his throat and boots up his tablet while I smooth the wrinkles out of my blouse and pencil skirt and make sure the cookies didn't shift too much during the ride. I had stacked them meticulously onto the plate, wanting them to look picture perfect.
“You ready?” Derrick asks me, taking a deep breath. I can tell he's nervous. We both are. Landing this client seems every bit as important to him as it does to Tyra. He really wants that bonus.
“As ready as I'm going to be.” I sigh, shifting my weight and staring up at the door.
Derrick brushes a strand of hair behind my ear. I hadn't even noticed it had come loose from my ponytail, with all the butterflies in my stomach fighting for my attention.
“Thanks.”
“No problem.” He leans forward to ring the doorbell. Then we wait.
I feel like a statue, standing there with the biggest fake smile I can muster plastered across my face. I hold the cookies at chest level, wanting them to be the first thing the client sees when he opens the door. The cookies, not my chest.
In my head, I go over the strategy that Derrick and I had planned out. He'll take the lead on the walk-through with the client, showcasing the work we've done, getting details about the client's needs, and giving him an example of how we'd redecorate one of the rooms in the house, and I'll busy myself with entertaining Doctor Reddick's wife and kids, if he has any, getting her opinion on things, acting like a trusted friend, and trying to convince her that our design process won't disrupt their lives at all. Sometimes, you can negate the husband's desires if you can convince the wife that you're the right person for the job. It's always best to try to woo them both equally.
I listen for footsteps on the other side of the door, but if there's someone there, they're moving soundlessly. A lot of these big houses have good insulation, and you can't always hear what's going on inside. It feels like a short forever before the door handle turns. My palms are sweating with anticipation beneath the plate of cookies, and all I keep thinking about is how we can't screw this up.
When the door opens, I expect to see a man in his mid-forties with salt and pepper hair and a charming smile. Maybe he has his beautiful wife by his side or a child hanging off of his hip. Like any rich surgeon, he'd be dressed dapper, perhaps in golfing attire.
It takes my eyes and mind a minute to adjust to reality. My mouth falls open, and the cookies that I've been so anal about not messing up slip from my hands like sand.
Everyone moves at once to retrieve them. Doctor Reddick manages to catch the plate, but at least half of the cookies slide out from und
er the saran wrap and make a crumby mess on his front porch. I'm on my hands and knees in an instant, keeping my eyes low and apologizing profusely as I gather the cookies up off the floor. My heart is pounding so hard that I can feel it in my throat. I don't want to be here. Just want to disappear. Don't want to look up. Because if I look up, I'll see those two blue pools. I'll feel things I shouldn't. And oddly, right now, feeling embarrassment from my clumsiness is a lot better than feeling shame from the realization that I know this man.
Sir now has a name, and it's Lucian Reddick.
“Doctor Reddick,” Derrick quickly tries to salvage the situation, extending his hand in greeting to distract Lucian from trying to help me. “My name is Derrick Hoover, and this is my partner Amy Underwood. We're from Environ Design, here to give you your interior design consultation.”
I finish picking up the cookies and stand, though I can't force myself to look at Lucian. Man, am I ever screwing this up. Just knowing he's standing in front of me, only a few feet away, is doing strange things to me, and not all of them are good. I feel nauseous and horrified and aroused, all at the same time. And even though I can't look at him, I'm acutely aware of the skin-tight black T-shirt he's wearing and distressed jeans. Good God, he's far more gorgeous in the sunlight. Far more pale. His hair darker. His eyes bluer. It makes me sick to think that I just made myself look like a complete klutz in front of him.
“I made you cookies,” I say awkwardly.
“I see that,” he replies slowly, as if he thinks I'm stupid. Oh God, he does think I'm stupid. I'm sure acting stupid, but I can't seem to do anything about it.
I can feel eyes on me. His eyes. Derrick's eyes. The sweating that started at my palms takes over my entire body. Even though my blouse is short-sleeved, and I'm wearing a skirt, the air feels too hot. Stifling. I just want to run back to Derrick's car and leave.
“Shall we.” Lucian's feet leave my line of sight, and I can only assume he's showing us in, because Derrick steps forward. I follow behind like a mouse, looking everywhere but at the man who had me under his broad muscular body just last night.
We enter the grand foyer, and the first thing I notice, since I'm looking down, is the gorgeous marble flooring. My awe ends there though. As I finally force my eyes up, I realize why Doctor Reddick called us. The inside of the house is an interior decorating disaster. None of the furniture matches. The walls are cluttered with old pictures and paintings of various styles. It looks like someone took everything they'd ever collected in their entire life and just placed it out randomly with no thought as to how everything looks together. Awful, and definitely not what I expected from a man who seemed so put together.
“Let's take these to the kitchen.” Lucian lifts up the plate of what remains of the cookies and leads us towards the kitchen.
My eyes roam over the dining room and formal living room as we pass them. Every room is decorated so differently, with no thought towards cohesion. The only thing that is consistent is the clutter. It's sad to see a house that's so beautiful on the outside look so chaotic on the inside.
We reach the kitchen, and Lucian sets the plate of cookies on the island. To my surprise, he reaches under the saran wrap to grab one, taking a bite. His attention is entirely focused on Derrick, as if the moment he took the plate from my hand, I ceased to exist. Part of me wonders if he even remembers me, and that part is both pissed off and sad.
Derrick flanks Lucian's side, tapping the screen of his tablet to life before launching into his presentation on the work our company has done in the past. I feel like a ghost, left out. Derrick is obviously pissed at me for dropping the cookies. There's this silent vibe flowing off of him, telling me to stay away so I don't fuck anything else up.
I throw away the ruined cookies I've been holding. Then I take the non-verbal queue of shunning and decide to walk aimlessly around the kitchen, admiring it, trying to seem like I'm actually doing something. The expansive chef's kitchen is rather impressive, with three dishwashers and a separate refrigerator and freezer. The guy must do a lot of cooking to need all of this. He also must have kids. No one has this big of a kitchen and doesn't have kids. Which means he also probably has a wife. My heart sinks at the thought, though I'm not sure why. Maybe because I feel like a home-wrecker now. Does his wife even know he does the BDSM thing when he's not playing doctor? It's none of my business, but I can't help but wonder.
Derrick finishes his presentation, and Lucian doesn't seem too impressed. Or if he is impressed, it doesn't show.
“Let me tell you what I'm interested in,” he begins, as if Derrick was making the consultation all about our company, which he kind of was. “I inherited this house from my parents a year ago. This is all of their stuff, and as you can tell, there's a lot of it. I've been putting off doing redecorating because, well, that's my business, not yours. Anyway, the point is that I'm ready now. I have a busy schedule and a lot of money, so it's just easier to have someone else handle everything for me. I'm wanting to go contemporary and for this to be an inviting space where I can bring friends and clients, because right now, it's very rare that I entertain here.”
“Alright. So modern with a lot of space.” Derrick taps notes into his tablet. “Are you wanting to go with one specific color scheme through the entire house or do you want to diversify? What about structural changes to the house? New paint? Tile? Adding and/or removing any walls or windows?”
“As far as any structural changes to the house are concerned, I'd like to leave it as is. There's Turkish Marble throughout, very expensive stuff. I definitely don't want that replaced. And I don't want it to get messed up while furniture is being moved around and what not,” he says firmly.
Doctor Diva, I smirk to myself. Really happy we're not going to get him as a client. My fumble should be proof enough that careful isn't something we do well. Not so much the company, but me. I am a representative of the company though, a reflection. If he doesn't remember me from Flesh and is basing his choice on first impressions, we've already lost him.
“The walls are lovely,” I chime in. “I wouldn't change them.” My eyes dance over the soft beige paint and white trim.
Both Derrick and Lucian look at me, but neither of them say anything. In an instant, I'm forgotten again. Did I even speak at all?
“So you basically just want us to move everything that's in here now out into a storage facility and then come in and redecorate. I think we can do that.” Derrick nods. “Shall I go over the decorating process with you while my partner takes some pictures of the house?”
That's my queue to bust out my digital camera. At least, this gives me something to do while they're talking business. I don't really want to be around them anymore anyway. While I still feel nervous, the daydreaming sickness has worn off. Lucian Reddick is a dick. I'm glad that I threw that business card away.
I lift up my camera and try to let them know that I'm going to walk around to take pictures, but I'm just ignored again, so I go about my job, trying to capture every angle of each room. I start in the kitchen, then move into the formal living room and continue to the dining room from there. Derrick spirits Lucian away to his bedroom, one of the easiest rooms to do a redesign on. I'm left alone, but I prefer it that way. I feel a lot less nervous without them standing around.
I walk into a room that's a small home gym. There's a treadmill, elliptical, and free weights. One wall is lined with mirrors. On the opposite wall is a huge big-screen television mounted for easy viewing. Compared to the rest of the house, this room is perfectly laid out. It won't need a redesign.
I'm about to move on to the next room when Derrick comes to retrieve me. Lucian whizzes past us, his cell phone held up to his ear.
“He got an emergency call,” Derrick tells me. “We have to leave. He says he'll reschedule later.”
Oh, thank God. Pretending like I'm working is always lame, especially when I know there's no point to it. It's obvious that Lucian isn't interested in what we're offeri
ng. The call probably wasn't even important. He likely just faked it to get us to leave sooner.
I follow Derrick toward the front door, trailing behind him like a puppy. Lucian is already there, holding the door open for us as he talks into his phone. He barely even glances at me as I step out behind Derrick. Then the door is closed on my heels, and the horrible, awkward consultation is over.
***
“Did you really have to drop the cookies?” is the first thing Derrick says to me when we're safely buckled up in his car.
“Yup. As soon as I saw the guy, I knew he'd be a prick, so I thought I'd rescue you from having to deal with him by tossing my cookies at him.” I cock a sideways glance at Derrick and smirk.
Even though he's obviously upset, he can't help but laugh. “He was kind of an asshole, but I still wish you would have tossed a different set of cookies at him. I could really use that bonus,” he sighs.
“Derrick Hoover!” My mouth falls agape, and I reach over to slug him on the shoulder.
“Ow! Don't hit me. And don't act like you weren't thinking about it. I've known you long enough to know you like pretty boys like him.”
“Pfft!” I roll my eyes. “There's not enough pretty in the world to make up for being that much of a dick.”
“I told you he'd be entitled, didn't I?” He points at me as he pulls out of the driveway.
“You did.” I nod, though it's not like I hadn't already figured that out on my own. “So what are we going to tell Tyra?”
Derrick's shoulders slump. “I don't even want to think about that.”