Sunny frowns lightly at me before going blank. “Are we safe here? Can the people see us?”
“This is a safe house,” I explain. “It’s set up with loads of security. There are cameras everywhere. I saw a security tablet near Cobain when we entered the kitchen. He’s probably watching us right now. If someone approaches from the road, he’ll know.”
Sunny nods, but I highly doubt she understands about the security protocols. Not if clocks are a rarity in her life.
“When we’re safe in Nicaragua,” I murmur, taking a small step toward her, “I’ll make sure you have everything you need even if you choose not to be with me.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m not a man like the ones in that cult. I don’t want a woman who doesn’t want me. No matter what happens between us, though, I will make sure you’re taken care of. Anika too.”
I realize instantly that Sunny doesn’t understand. Her wary gaze brightens with panic. She reaches first for my chest and then my crotch as a way to please me. My hands take hers and hold them together.
“I can’t leave you here in the United States,” I explain while holding her gaze. “There is nowhere safe for you in this country. It’ll take a little time for you to adjust to a new place with a different language and culture, but I’ll be able to protect you in Nicaragua.”
Sunny watches me with her mesmerizing hazel eyes, and I feel her confusion. Possibly, I’m wrong to provide her with so many choices. She isn’t Neri, who demands freedom. Sunny’s only known submission. Forty-eight hours ago, she was a slave to the will of others. Now I want her to choose her future.
People back home believe I’m laidback since I never seem to get upset. That’s only because my thinking always remains fluid. If something doesn’t work, I refuse to waste time obsessing over why. Instead, I quickly adjust my plan and tweak the details until I finally achieve my goal.
And my current goal is to win the heart of this broken woman. I alone can help her repair what others have damaged.
If too many choices upset her, I can reduce them. If that’s still too much, I can control everything. What she needs, I will provide. Her happiness leads to my happiness, and I prefer to be a happy man.
“Do you know how to dance?”
“No,” she says, but I think a part of her remembers dancing.
Still holding her hands, I adjust them so we can dance. “It’s easy. Just do what I do.”
Sunny doesn’t care about dancing. She only wants me to reassure her. Holding her gaze, I start moving to the beat of “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg.” She shuffles in one direction and then in the next, mimicking my movements. I smile, but she doesn’t return it. I don’t think Sunny was supposed to show emotion in her hellhole cult.
Leaning down, I smile wider, and she catches the hint and copies me. When I sense her relaxing, I move a little closer and press her into my body. Just enough so she’ll feel secure. Sunny’s eyes warm, and her breathing increases. This isn’t her reacting to what she thinks I desire. This is all Sunny.
Then I lean her back and dip her. Though this might be a misstep, I’m ready to adjust if she doesn’t like it.
Instead, she lets out a shocked yelp of delight. Most of all, Sunny looks surprised to be smiling so much.
This is the moment when I know she can love me one day. There’s something powerful and raw beneath her programmed submission. I see how much she craves my attention. With time and patience, she’ll one day know she can love me too.
SUNNY
Kai is like a dream. He’s more beautiful than any man I’ve ever seen. There is no one at the homestead that even comes close. Those men are cruel, but Kai always wants me to smile.
I could just assume he’s what normal people are like, but I sense that’s wrong. Kai’s special. I don’t know why he’s different. His parents might have raised him better, or growing up in a place that I’ve never heard of could have made him that way.
I just know Kai’s mind and heart work different than everyone else’s. His goodness is something I want to learn. One day, I could smile to make him smile. Or comfort Anika like he did. I want that goodness in me so I can make people feel the way he makes me feel.
Dancing wasn’t allowed for the flock. We were too easily tempted by sin. Our food must be bland. No music was played. We weren’t allowed to be silly. A single moment of fun might tempt us to embrace the devil.
Maybe the elders were right, though, because a minute of dancing with Kai makes me want to burn down their world. Music awakens my mind. Kai’s touch does the same to my body. I feel a jolt of wild excitement when he leans me back.
Hearing me cry out with joy, a worried Anika hurries toward us. I'm too loud. We’ll get in trouble. She pulls at my pants and whispers, “Submit.”
I let go of Kai’s hands and try to calm my daughter. She stares at me with big eyes and says the word I’d told her so many times. When she’d laugh at something because she was a happy child, I told her to submit. When she played instead of cleaning, I told her to submit. When we had to submit to the earth, and she wanted to get up, I told her to submit. I taught her to fear happiness, just like I learned to fear it.
Resting on my knees, I stare in her eyes and try to show her how we don’t need to be afraid. Except I don’t know the words to explain. We never talk about anything. I don’t think I’ve ever told her the words “scared” or “safe.” How can I make her understand?
“You’re so good,” I say, stroking her new short haircut. “Such a good girl.”
Anika isn’t used to praise. Thinking of how my own mom calmed me, I hug my daughter, but she gets hard in my arms.
Then the side door flies open, and Cobain steps out with the old dog growling behind him. Anika flinches when she sees them and falls to the ground to submit to the earth.
“Mama, submit,” she begs as she presses her forehead against the ground.
“What the fuck is she doing?” Cobain demands.
Anika whimpers for me to submit. She’s afraid we’ll be punished. Not knowing how to explain, I do what she wants. Already on my knees, I rest my arms behind me and press my forehead against the dirt.
Her brown eyes peek at me to make sure I’m behaving. I try smiling to help her understand we’re not in trouble. Anika only looks ready to cry. She thinks I’m doing something wrong, and Kai will hurt me. When I fail too much, the shepherds hurt her too.
Kai sits on the ground next to us and tells Cobain we’ll be in later. Neri asks if she should remain. Kai must shake his head because she leaves us.
“Anika,” Kai whispers and leans down to get closer, “are you hungry?”
“No.”
“Is your duck hungry?”
My daughter frowns because she doesn’t know if the toy needs food. I catch her gaze and shake my head. When I smile, she forgets to be scared and copies me.
“It’s okay to be scared,” Kai says. “It’s okay to be confused. The world is big and scary. But don’t do this thing you’re doing because you think you have to. No one here cares if you do this.”
I look up at him and whisper, “Tell us we’re forgiven.”
“Anika, you’re forgiven.”
She shakes her head, thinking it’s a trick.
“Sunny, you’re forgiven.”
I start getting up, but Anika grabs my hand.
“We’re not in trouble,” I promise.
“Dog bite.”
“No,” I say and sit with my legs crossed on the ground. As Kai watches me with his golden-brown eyes, I explain, “The shepherds have dogs that hurt people sometimes. Only the men, but Anika is scared of dogs. She saw one hurt a man who didn’t do his work and broke the rules.”
“That dog inside is just scared,” Kai says and strokes my daughter’s back while she remains stuck to the ground. “His owner went away a long time ago. The dog misses him. He doesn’t know us. He’s afraid, so he growls and looks mean, but he’s mostly scared we’ll hurt him
.”
The corners of Kai’s lips curve upward, and he opens his arms for me. “That old dog needs a hug. Do you want a hug, Sunny?”
Even if I didn’t, there’s no way I can say no. Kai hypnotizes me with his relaxed gaze. I want to please him. If he’s happy, I get to be happy. Not happy like when I didn’t get in trouble at the homestead. But an awake kind of happy where I’m excited about what happens next.
Crawling between Kai’s legs, I carefully rest my head against his chest. His arms feel wonderful around me, and I’m struck by a memory of my mom hugging me long ago.
“Does that feel good?” he asks.
“Yes.”
“Would you like a hug, Anika?”
My daughter peeks at us, unsure about anything that’s happening. Yesterday felt exciting. She got to leave the vegetable stand after getting in trouble. Neri bought her toys. She slept in a soft bed. It was fun.
Today is just scary. She likes the toys and the naps and the soft beds, but the more she wants those things, the more she’s afraid she’ll have them taken away.
Of course, she’s also curious. She sees me getting a hug and smiling. Anika is a joyful child. She wants to be silly and wild and play all day. It’s why she gets in trouble so much. I was the same way until years of living at the homestead killed the light inside me.
Except my light isn’t gone! It just hid under my fear and pain. Now I feel my light filtering out more and more because of Kai and Neri.
Anika must see that too because she decides she wants a hug. Pushing herself up, she holds her toys and scoots on her knees toward us. Kai doesn’t move a muscle. He’s so smart not to scare her. She’s waiting for a reason to be afraid. Men aren’t nice to her. She fears them, but Kai isn’t a monster.
“I’m going to take care of you, Anika and Sunny,” he says softly when she’s in my lap, and we’re wrapped in his arms. “I can be strong when you’re frightened. I’ll know the answers when you’re confused. If you trust me, I’ll give you a new home where no one has to be forgiven.”
Anika doesn’t understand his words. She still smiles at me because she understands Kai is special, and life is more beautiful in his arms.
NERI
Kai wants alone time with his two damaged beauties, so I walk inside to where Cobain is back at the stove. I don’t know why he came outside, looking ready to beat on someone. I assume he’s mentally unstable.
“My father has no patience for strangers,” I say, walking behind him and peeking at the security tablet. “This is why I’m sympathetic to your lack of social skills. With that said, you need to stop acting like a crazed ape around Sunny and Anika.”
Cobain swings around, trying to intimidate me. He’s large and scary, but so is my father. All my life, I’ve had an imposing figure looking over me. I never feared my father, though. In fact, I recall the time he cried when I nearly drowned while surfing. Thinking he lost me almost broke him. Scary on the outside, my father is a big ball of love on the inside.
Of course, the crazed ape in front of me isn’t Papa. He’s a stranger who kills people and lives alone in the middle of nowhere. His stew smells delicious, though.
“This isn’t a bed and breakfast, you nutty twat,” he growls down at me. “I’m not holding anyone’s fucking hand or using baby talk with them. Just hide the woman and the kid in a room if other people upset them.”
“What’s a twat?” I demand, lifting my chin. “You speak Spanish. What’s the equivalent of that word in my language, so I know what you’re saying to me?”
Cobain narrows his gaze, believing I’m messing with him. Shrugging, I pull out my phone to search the meaning. He grunts and crosses his arms.
“I called you a nutty vagina, okay?”
“Nutty as in flavor?”
Cobain bursts into wild chuckles. “You’re either fucking crazy or just the most obnoxious bitch I’ve ever met.”
“Most obnoxious?” I balk, shoving my phone back in my pocket. “This is me on my best behavior. If you want obnoxious, ape, I’ll give you obnoxious, but I don’t think you can handle it.”
“I’ve always wondered what kind of children a man like Gator would make. The sort of arrogance a child would have after growing up with a killer for a father.”
“I’m not arrogant because my father kills people,” I mutter while holding his dark gaze. “I’m arrogant because I kill people.”
Cobain shakes his head. “I’m not babying any of you.”
“Because you don’t know how?”
“You are here because your father called in favors. He knows a lot of people who don’t want him returning to the US and working again.”
“Do you fear him?”
“He’s likely rusty from retirement, so no.”
“You do nothing out here.”
“I keep my skills sharp,” he hisses, offended by my insinuation that he’s less than deadly. “Don’t you worry.”
“What, with target practice?” I ask, recalling the bullet holes I noticed on the surrounding trees. “My father keeps sharp by killing people. He just rarely charges anymore.”
“I don’t really care.”
“You’re alone here with a dog that belongs to someone else. Shouldn’t you enjoy our company, even if you have to behave a little to prevent a child from crying?”
“You’re wrong. I have plenty of company when it suits me.”
“Oh, I’m sure plenty of women in nearby towns just weep with joy at the sight of you,” I mock and then glance around him again. “When you stormed out like a crazed ape, was that because dinner was ready?”
Uncrossing his massive arms, Cobain shrugs. “If they’re finishing flipping their shit, there is food.”
“You’re a wonderful host,” I say, struggling not to laugh. “We’re very thankful.”
Dark eyes again narrowing, he glares at me through slits. “You’re very welcome.”
Wearing a triumphant smile, I glance out the side door to find my brother on the ground, holding Sunny and Anika. He truly excels at caring for them. I keep waiting for Kai to get second thoughts. Not that he would ever leave them to die. But possibly, he might realize they aren’t suited for our life, or he made a mistake by assuming Sunny is his.
Instead, Kai proves his gut instinct remains rock solid. Taking a photo of him cuddling Sunny and Anika, I send the picture to my parents with the text, “Kai in love.” I can imagine their reactions perfectly—Mama smiling, Papa frowning, both wanting him home.
KAI
After a hug and a video of real ducks for Anika, I suggest we eat dinner since we skipped lunch. Based on how rarely they ask for food, and their thin builds, I suspect food was rationed at their compound. I’ll have to encourage them to eat rather than expect them to ask for meals.
Inside a dining room, we eat stew at a wooden door turned table. I make a lame joke about knocking on it to see if anyone will answer. To my shock, Sunny and Anika find this hilarious. They both check under the table to see what the other side looks like.
“You’re a regular Bob Hope,” Neri teases.
At some point when I was a baby, Mama discovered comedian Bob Hope’s TV specials. Even after all these years, she still watches a DVD every weekend. Neri and I grew up believing Bob Hope was the height of comedy.
Of course, Sunny and Anika have no idea who he is, but they’ll learn soon enough.
The four of us sit at the table and eat the stew. I make a point of telling Anika what every vegetable is and have her say the words. She starts off nervously, but I sense she’s a natural chatterbug. Given a chance, she’ll soon talk my ear off.
Cobain eats standing in the doorway. He pretends to be watching us all, but I’m not fooled. The man only sees Neri, who sits with her back to him. She turns around a few times to compliment his cooking. He only grunts at her comments, which makes my sister smile more.
“He loves me,” she mouths in my direction.
“No,” I warn. Yet who am I
to advise caution?
Leaving Neri to her flirtatious taunting of a mercenary, I train my gaze on Sunny and find her smiling. Not casually in the way my sister does. With Sunny, smiling takes effort. I assume she spent years learning to suppress her emotions. Now she’s retraining herself.
After dinner, we wash the dishes, and Neri asks about a TV.
“I saw a satellite dish outside,” she says when Cobain only stares at her. “If you broke it, don’t be shy about sharing this fact. We’ll understand.”
Refusing to use words with her, he prowls through the halls to a room filled with couches and one giant TV.
“You’re a very good host.”
“Don’t make me use other words you’ll need to google,” he mutters.
Neri turns away from him and winks at me. Though I shouldn’t encourage her, I’ve always been a fan of my little sister.
Before we turn on the TV, I remind Neri how Anika reacted last night.
“That was SpongeBob,” my sister says. “Who wouldn’t find him terrifying?”
“Yes, but people inside a screen is a weird thing if you don’t understand the concept of entertainment or pretend.”
Nodding, my sister kneels next to the TV stand. When she hits the power button, the screen brightens to a western.
“I like cowboy movies,” she tells Cobain, who again lingers at the doorway rather than entering the room.
“No one cares.”
Neri smirks because she knows he very much cares. He’s ready to punch someone to distract from all the caring he’s doing.
Anika frowns at the screen while Neri touches it. “No people,” Neri says to the child. “They aren’t there.”
Still confused, Anika flinches when the screen changes, and a laughing woman takes the place of the man on the horse. Sunny understands what my sister is trying to do and joins her on the floor in front of the TV.
“It’s a game,” she tells Anika and touches the screen.
Wanting to do what her mother does, the child shuffles closer. She flinches again when the channel changes to some kind of children’s show with puppets.
Badlands (Spent Shells, #1) Page 8