by Mark Roeder
I seriously thought about running away, but I had Casper to think about. I couldn’t leave without him. I was certain he’d go with me, but what kind of life would we have on the run? I knew it would be a hard life. My father would cut me off from my funds the second he found out. He’d cancel my credit cards and lock me out of my own bank account so fast I wouldn’t have a chance to get my hands on my own money. My father was a very powerful man. He could and would do it.
I lay back on my bed with my hands behind my head. I stared at the ceiling. I had no idea what I was going to do. There had to be some way to get my parents off my back. At the moment, it looked like nothing short of me renouncing my own sexuality would be good enough for them. I’d have to promise to stay away from Casper too, and that I would not do. He needed me, and I needed him.
I closed my eyes and tried to think of a way out of my situation, but nothing would come. I don’t know how long I lay there with my eyes shut, wondering how I could make things better. If Casper had not been in my life I might have done something drastic. Casper was in my life, so that wasn’t an option.
The door to my room burst inward and my eyes flew open. The room was bathed in red and white flashing light coming from outside. Two police officers rushed at me and grabbed me before I even knew what was happening. They forced me onto my face on the bed and handcuffed my arms behind my back.
“Get off me!” I kept screaming, but they ignored me. They pulled me to my feet and through the bedroom door into the hall. I didn’t know what the fuck was going on. Why were the police after me? The only thing I was sure about was that my father was behind it. I struggled to get free, but there wasn’t much I could do handcuffed.
My parents were standing in the living room, looking at me. My father had a look on his face that said “I told you not to defy me, boy.” My mother looked stricken.
“Mom?” I said.
“It’s for you own good,” she told me. “You’re going to be cured.”
“Cured of what!?” I was furious. I fought against the officers holding me, practically knocking them down. I went wild fighting and screaming. They dragged me toward the door. My father glared at me. I spit at him as I passed.
The officers dragged me down the front steps. I was fighting them every inch of the way. All the neighbors were in the yard watching by then. It was humiliating. The two officers pulled me toward a waiting ambulance. The lights were flashing like there was some big medical emergency. The officers, along with two guys from the ambulance, forced me onto a gurney and strapped me down. Before I knew it, I was inside the ambulance and we were speeding away.
I strained against the restraints, but it was no use. One of the guys in the back filled a hypodermic syringe with something and shot it into my arm. I began to feel sleepy and it was hard to focus my eyes. I gradually lost consciousness, wondering what the fuck was going on.
Casper
I looked all over, but I couldn’t find Brendan anywhere at school. He didn’t show up for lunch. It wasn’t like him to miss school. I wondered if maybe he was sick or something, but then I started hearing the rumors. I couldn’t believe them. They couldn’t be true. Brendan, taken away in an ambulance to the Cloverdale Center? It was a mental hospital for kids. There was no reason for Brendan to have been taken there.
I was on my way to football practice when Jason cornered me in the hallway. “I heard what happened to your boyfriend. So tragic,” he said sarcastically. “I always knew he wasn’t playing with a full deck.”
“Shut up, Jason.”
“You’d better be nice to me, little brother. Your big football stud isn’t here to
protect you anymore.” He paused and looked me up and down. “See you tonight, Casper. It’s been a long time. I’ve missed you.” He made my skin crawl. I hated him. I was suddenly gripped with fear. Jason was right about one thing. If Brendan was gone, I was in danger. I’d have to watch my back. If it was true, I was damned sure not going to be home when Jason was there. I knew what would happen.
Brendan didn’t show up for football practice, but I still couldn’t believe what I’d heard. As soon as Brad walked into the locker room, I pulled him to the side.
“You know where Brendan is?” I asked him.
Brad confirmed that the rumor was true. He’d talked to one of Brendan’s neighbors who’d seen them take him away. I grew angrier by the second as Brad told me what they’d done to him. I was frightened for him, and worried. I nearly lost it when Brad told me why they’d taken Brendan away. I simply could not believe it.
Brendan
I woke up in a hospital bed, wearing a flimsy gown that didn’t cover my ass. I wondered what they’d done with my clothes. I tried to get up but I was held securely in place by restraints. I looked around and saw a boy in the bed next to me. He reminded me a little of Casper because he was blond and thin, but he was even taller than me.
“Where am I?” I asked.
“You’re in the Cloverdale Center, dude.” The boy sounded like a surfer from California and seemed just a bit simple-minded. His goofy smile made him seem even more dim-witted.
“The Cloverdale Center?”
“Yeah, you’ve heard of it, I bet.”
“But that’s where they put all the mental kids,” I said without thinking. I looked at the boy, realizing what I’d said. “No offense.”
“None taken.” He smiled even more intensely than before. “I’m Chad.” He got up and walked to my bed. He shook my hand.
“Brendan.”
“Well, Brendan, what are you in for?” I wasn’t sure I wanted to answer. I had a pretty good idea why I was there, even though it was totally wrong for me to be there for that. Chad peered at me.
“You gay?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said, looking at him curiously.
“Me too, that’s why I’m here. My parents put me in right after I told them. They are determined to make me into a straight boy.” He laughed, but there was no humor in his voice. His smile was gone. I looked at him. He had the saddest eyes I’d ever seen in my entire life.
Mark A. Roeder 141 “I guess that’s why I’m here too. My parents found out about me and a few minutes later the cops were busting through my door.”
“Sounds dramatic,” said Chad. “My parents promised they’d only put me in here for a couple days, just for some tests. That was over two months ago. They lied to me. These bastards have been trying to make me straight.”
“How?” I asked. I was feeling very nervous and afraid.
“A lot of counseling, dude—psychiatric bull-shit, hypnosis, drugs—lots of drugs.”
I looked at Chad’s eyes. They were kind of bloodshot. He looked like the boys at school who smoked a lot of pot. He had a nervous edge to him and his eyes darted around. He was a bit freaky and I had no doubt it was the drugs they’d pumped into him. That was probably why he seemed a little slow and goofy too.
“The worst thing is the ring, however.”
“What’s that?” I asked.
Before he could answer, a doctor came into the room. Chad went back to his bed.
“So how are we, um, Brendan,” he said, looking at my chart.
“WE want the fuck out of here,” I told him. “I don’t belong here. I’m not sick.”
“Now, Brendan, your parents placed you here so we could help with your problem.”
“I don’t have a problem!” I screamed at him.
“You need to calm down.”
“Why should I calm down? I was kidnapped, drugged, brought here against my will, and strapped in this fucking bed!”
“It’s all for you own good, I assure you, Brendan. We’re here to help you. We’re going to work with you to cure your sickness.”
“I’m not sick! I’m gay. It is not a sickness!”
“You’ll see things differently after treatment. Your parents tell me you’re a fine young man. We’ll get you cured and then you can go back home.”
“I have
no intention of going back there!” I yelled.
The doctor didn’t respond to that. Instead, he went about his business.
“Now, the first thing we need to do is run a routine physical examine.” He pushed a button by the bed and two burly orderlies appeared almost instantly. “You can come along with me quietly, Brendan, or these gentlemen will help you there. Which will it be?”
I eyed them suspiciously, but I knew I probably wouldn’t get far even if I broke away from them. I had every intention of getting the hell out of that place, but I needed some time to plan and to scope things out. If I caused trouble, they’d just watch me that much more closely.
“I’ll come quietly,” I said.
The doctor released my restraints and I sat up slowly, rubbing my wrists. The orderlies were tensed and ready to act, but I made no move to cause trouble. I’d bide my time.
Casper
I waited until I was sure my brother was out of the house, then I went in and started packing. I took all the food I could find, which wasn’t much. I also took as much money as I dared out of my dad’s change jar, leaving just enough that he wouldn’t notice. I went into the bathroom and took a wash cloth, towel, and bar of soap. I took my blanket and pillow and grabbed the spare blanket out of the hall closet. I also gathered up matches, old candles, and an oil lamp. There wasn’t much to pack really, but I’d need everything I took.
When I was finished, I sat on the edge of the bed for a moment, unsure where to go. All I knew is that I couldn’t stay in the house. It was far too dangerous. My brother was just waiting his chance to get me. I knew he’d pay me back for the things I’d said to him. I was in for a real beating the next time he caught me alone. I also knew he’d do things far, far worse. I shivered just thinking about it.
I was afraid to spend too much time in the house, so I threw the trash bag I was using for a suitcase over my shoulder and headed out the door. It was dark and I had no where to go, so I headed for the cemetery.
As I was walking along the sidewalk, I sensed someone following me. I prepared to run for it. I was sure it was my brother. I spun on my heel and there was someone there, but it wasn’t Jason. It was just some guy. I turned back around and walked on. Whoever it was turned at the next street. I was getting paranoid. I was beginning to act as if everyone was my brother coming to get me.
It didn’t take me too long to get to the cemetery. I sat on the bench and wondered what I was going to do, and where I was going to stay. I knew that Stacey would probably put me up if I asked, but I was too proud to ask her. Besides, I didn’t want to ask her something like that. It was just too much.
The air grew quickly chill so I wrapped myself up in the blankets and leaned up against a tree. I was worried about Brendan. I wondered what was happening to him. I wondered what they were doing to him. I wished there was a way that I could at least talk to him, but I knew about the Cloverdale Center. I’d never get in there. My eyes grew heavy. I was tired and soon fell asleep despite my discomfort.
Sometime late in the night, or early in the morning, I awoke. I was shivering and I could see my own breath. I felt cold even with the blankets wrapped around me. There was frost on the blankets and on the bench beside me. I couldn’t stop shivering. I was so cold. My teeth chattered.
I got up and walked around to warm myself. It didn’t help much. As I paced around the graveyard I noticed that the door to one of the mausoleums wasn’t closed all the way. I stood and looked at it for a bit, then walked forward. I pushed on the door and it opened. I went back and got my stuff, then returned to the mausoleum. I walked inside and closed the door behind me.
It was cold inside, but at least I was out of the light wind that stole the heat away from my body. I lit the oil lamp and held it up high. The mausoleum wasn’t very big inside. There was a single stone sarcophagus sitting near the back wall with a space in front of it. I wasn’t exactly thrilled with my accommodations, but it would be better than freezing to death. The air was a bit musty, but not too bad, really. I made myself a little bed on the floor, blew out the lamp, and lay down. The floor didn’t make the most comfortable bed, but I was warmer than I had been outside. I lay there with the blankets drawn close about me, half to ward off the cold and half to ward off my fear. A tear rolled down my cheek. I missed Brendan and was beginning to wonder if I’d ever see him again. It was hard to get to sleep in my spooky surroundings, but I was so very tired that my eyes finally closed and I nodded off.
Brendan
“So how was it?” asked Chad as soon as the orderlies had escorted me back from my exam and the nurse had given me a pill. “Not too bad, although I’ve never cared much for ‘turn your head and cough’.”
“I think the doctors like doin’ that one. It wouldn’t be so bad if they weren’t all so damned old and ugly.”
I sat on the edge of my bed looking at Chad. My cooperation so far had earned me freedom. The orderlies didn’t strap me down to the bed again.
“Wanna go look around?” asked Chad.
“Can we?”
“Yeah, you can walk around here, usually, as long as you don’t try to leave.”
“Cool.” I intended to become as familiar with the hospital as I possibly could. I had every intention of escaping from that place as fast as I could manage.
“Okay, I figure we have about fifteen minutes.”
“Why fifteen minutes?” I asked him.
“That’s how long until that Thorazine you just took kicks in. Come on.”
Chad led me out into the hall. There were a lot of rooms just like ours on either side of the hall, some with kids in them, some empty. It didn’t seem quite like a hospital, more like a hotel in some ways. It had a bad feeling though, as if sinister things went on there. At the end of the hall was a big picture window looking out over a big, fenced in yard.
“That’s where we can go in the afternoons if we don’t cause trouble,” said Chad. “Sometimes it feels good just to get outside and sit in the sun.” His voice was so sad it brought me down. I looked out at the yard. It was park-like, with a few flowers and trees. It was surrounded on all sides by tall fences, however. There was even barbed wire across the top.
We made our way down another hall until Chad stopped at a room. “Come here, I want you to meet Ian.”
We walked into the room. There was a boy my age sitting on the edge of his bed. He was very handsome and well built. When he noticed us he scrambled backwards and bent his head down as if he expected to get hit. The sight of him scared me. He acted like a little boy, a little boy who’d been abused.
“Take it easy, Ian,” said Chad. “You remember me don’t you dude? It’s Chad.”
Suddenly, Ian looked up and smiled. The look on his face was vacant, like his mind was empty of thought.
“There’s a river in my closet,” he said, pointing across the room. I followed his gaze to a small closet.
“Is there, Ian?” asked Chad, humoring him.
“Yeah, the trolls put it in there. They wanna kill me.”
I looked at Ian’s eyes. It was like he wasn’t even there. His eyes were distant. Even when he looked at me, I had a feeling he didn’t really see me.
Chad moved toward the closet door.
“Don’t man, you’ll let it out, we’ll all drown you know? That’s what they want. They want us to drown. I got it all thought out though. See, I not openin’ the door and the river can’t get out.”
Ian was obviously out of it. It was really freaky being in there with him. He was in his own little world. I felt sorry for him.
“That’s a good plan,” said Chad. “Thanks for looking out for us.”
Ian smiled like a four year old that’s just been told he’s a good boy. Seeing that look on the face of a seventeen year old was hard to take.
“This is Brendan,” said Chad.
I extended my hand to shake his, but he recoiled from me as if I were going to strike him in the face.
“It’s okay,
dude, he’s cool.”
Ian looked at me suspiciously.
“You’re not with the trolls are you? You don’t look like one, but still, can’t be too careful you know.”
“Um, no, I’m not with the trolls,” I told him. The kid was obviously fucked up.
“Then you can be my boyfriend, you’re cute.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. Ian was making me extremely uncomfortable. Chad saved me.
Mark A. Roeder 147
“We have to go, Ian, but we’ll be back to see you later.” “Yeah, you come back,” he said, staring at me with a hungry look. His eyes went vacant again after a moment and he curled up on his bed.
Chad and I left Ian alone, but I don’t even know if he noticed we left.
“What’s wrong with him?” I asked as we walked down the hallway.
“Drugs.”
“He an addict or something?”
“No dude. They brought him in three weeks ago. He was just like you then. They keep pumping him full of drugs though, it’s frying his brain.”
“They really do that?”
“Oh yeah, they pump everyone full of drugs; Valium, Ritalin, Halcion, Mellaril, Elavil, Lithium, Thorazine, you name it.”
“If they do it to everyone, then why aren’t you like Ian by now? You’ve been here longer.”
“Cause I don’t take most of it,” said Chad. “Except the Valium, I kinda like the Valium.” The big goofy grin was back on his face.
“So you don’t have to take it?”
“Yeah, you do. The nurse stands right there and makes sure you do, but there’s ways around that dude! I’ll show you when we get back to the room.”
I started to ask him more about it, but I was suddenly extremely tired. I felt like I didn’t even have the energy to move. My muscles felt useless. I drooped. I was so tired that I fell against Chad.