A Better Place

by Mark Roeder

  “Fifteen minutes, almost to the second,” said Chad, looking at the clock overhead. “Your Thorazine has kicked in, dude. We gotta go back.”

  Chad led me through the halls. I was so tired I couldn’t remember the way we’d come. It seemed to take forever to make it back to the room. When I got there, I crashed on the bed. I didn’t sleep. I just lay there on my side looking at Chad.

  “That’s how they control you,” he said. “Thorazine. Makes you real tired, gives you night sweats. No one causes trouble when they’re on Thorazine.”

  I knew I wasn’t in the shape to do anything. It was an effort just to move my arm. I’d never escape if that shit was running through my veins.

  “How do you get away with not taking your meds?” I asked. I realized that Chad possessed some very valuable information.

  “The nurse will be here in a few minutes. Watch me closely. When she’s gone, I’ll show you.”

  “I want out of here,” I said.

  “Who doesn’t?” said Chad.

  “Yeah, but I’m going to get out of here.”

  “Me too,” said Chad. “I’ve been working on it. I’ll help you.” That gave me some hope. Chad seemed to know the score. I was sure he had a lot in his head that would help me escape, and I intended to take advantage of it.

  “Good,” I said, “I’m either going to get out of this place or die trying.”

  “Some have died trying,” said Chad. “And some have killed themselves when they couldn’t escape.” There was no sign of his smile at all.

  The nurse came in soon and handed Chad a small paper cup and another cup of water. He upended the cup into his mouth, and then swallowed the water. I watched, but I couldn’t tell he’d done anything. The nurse came to me and gave me meds the same way. I swallowed them. As soon as I’d swallowed, the nurse was on her way.

  “You do it?” I asked Chad.

  “Yeah.”

  Chad walked over to me, put his hand in front of his mouth and spit out four pills.

  “When you take the pills, you stick them under your tongue. It’s not hard after you’ve tried it a few times. Then you swallow the water. When the nurse is gone, you just spit them out. Here, you can practice with these later,” said Chad, handing me three pills that were still damp from being in this mouth. “This one’s Valium,” he said, showing me the fourth pill. “I like Valium.” He popped it into his mouth and swallowed.

  I looked at the pills in my hand. I was ready to start practicing. Holding pills under my tongue was a skill I’d definitely need. I put them in the paper cup and started to toss them back into my mouth. Chad stopped me.

  “Not now, dude.”

  “Why?”

  “Cause you took your meds.”

  I knew what he meant almost immediately. I started to feel sleepy and dizzy and happy all at the same time. I was seeing weird shit that wasn’t really there.

  “Go to sleep, dude,” said Chad, pushing me down onto the bed. “You can work on it tomorrow.”

  My eyelids grew so heavy I couldn’t keep them open. In moments I was asleep.

  Casper

  My life was miserable without Brendan. I went back to being the invisible boy, well, not quite. I’d never be the invisible boy again, but I did try. I guess things weren’t quite as bad as they had been before I’d met Brendan. The guys on the football team looked out for me. The terrible trio tried to give me some shit right after school one day, but Brad and a couple of the other guys from the team came over and offered to break their noses if they didn’t knock it off. I was happy that the boys on the team liked me, even without Brendan there.

  When Brendan had been gone for about a week, Brad told me to wait for him after practice. I didn’t mind at all. I didn’t have anywhere to go. After practice I usually hung around in the park for a little while, then went to the grocery or somewhere and bought a little something to eat. I had the money I’d taken from dad’s jar. Between the food I could buy with it and what I got at school, I wasn’t too bad off. I was hungry sometimes, but I was used to that. Being hungry wasn’t near as bad as trying to fill all those empty hours until it was time to go to sleep. I had trouble getting to sleep in the mausoleum, so I tried to get myself real tired so it wouldn’t take as long. Every evening I took long walks in the shadows to tire myself out, and then I sat by my mom’s grave long into the night. Sometimes I talked to her, and sometimes I just sat there in silence until my eyes grew so heavy I couldn’t keep them open, and then I went to the mausoleum and lie down. Brendan was always on my mind when I walked, and when I sat by my mom’s grave. He was on my mind all the time. I missed him and was worried sick over him. Every night I cried myself to sleep wondering if he was okay. I didn’t mind waiting for Brad. It was a way to fill a few more empty minutes.

  149 I was sitting on the bench waiting when Brad walked into the locker room. I’d already finished putting up all the wash cloths and towels. I’d even swept the floor and picked up after the guys.

  “Come on,” he said. “I’ll take you out for a burger.” We sat down in an isolated booth at Phil’s and Brad ordered us both cheeseburgers and fries and soft drinks and even chocolate milkshakes.

  “I know you and Brendan are…close,” said Brad “so I wanted to let you know what’s going down. I’m going to get Brendan out of that fucking hospital.”

  “Yes!” I said. “What can I do to help?”

  “Nothing,” he said. I frowned.

  “I want to help.”

  “I know that, Casper, but you can’t.” He held up his hand to hold off my protest. “Brendan’s dad knows about you. He has someone watching you.”

  I started to tell Brendan how ridiculous that was, but then I remembered the guy that always seemed to be hanging around wherever I was. At first I hadn’t noticed him, but once I did, he was everywhere. Sometimes I even saw him on my walks at night. I’d seen him as Brad and I walked into Phil’s.I hadn’t really thought much about it before. He wasn’t my brother, so I wasn’t worried about him.

  “Why is he watching me?”

  “In case you try to do something like I’m going to do. So you see, you can’t be involved. The best way you can help is to stay out of it.”

  I didn’t like the idea, but Brad was probably right. I didn’t want to risk messing up the chance of getting Brendan out of that hospital just because I wanted to be a part of things.

  “Okay,” I said. “I understand.”

  “Good,” said Brendan. “My cousin works in the Cloverdale Center.He’s going to take messages back and forth between Brendan and me. I’m sending the first one tonight.”

  “He works…there? You sure you can trust him?”

  “Yeah, I can trust him. He’s a good guy. He wouldn’t be working there if he didn’t need the money bad. I know a couple of things about him that makes it extra safe, things that would be bad for him if they got out, if you know what I mean.”

  “Okay,” I said. My world had become more exciting, filled with secret plans, and possible blackmail.

  “If I know Brendan,” said Brad, “and believe me I do, he’s already trying to get out of that place. I’m going to set up a time with him for it. When he breaks out I’ll be there waiting on him.”

  “When are you going to do this?” I asked.

  “Don’t know yet. I’m sending the first message tonight. Brendan is going to have to disappear fast when we do it, however. His dad will have cops everywhere looking for him. If they catch him, we may never be able to get him out a second time. I’ll get him out of town as quick as I can.”

  “I’m going with him,” I said. Brad smiled.

  “Somehow I already knew that. I’ll tell you as soon as I find out when we’re going to do it. Brendan and I will pick you up somewhere. It needs to be somewhere out of sight.”

  “The cemetery,” I said. I didn’t tell Brad I was living there in an old crypt, but it was somewhere I knew I could be.

  “Yeah, that’s good. W
e’ll pick you up there. You’ve got to be ready because we won’t have any time to spare, so make sure you have whatever you’re going to take with you.”

  Our food arrived and we ate and schemed. It was all rather exciting, like being in some spy movie, but the whole thing made me nervous. This wasn’t a movie, it was real. If we failed, Brendan would be locked up in that hospital for who knew how long. I hoped we could do it soon. I couldn’t bear to think of him in there. I missed him horribly too.

  When Brad and I parted ways, I felt better. At least now there was hope, and I could communicate with Brendan. I’d given Brad a note for him, written on a paper napkin. The note told him how much I loved him.

  I walked long in the moonlight that night, all nervous and excited inside. I just hoped that Brendan and Brad could pull it off. I didn’t know what I’d do if they couldn’t.

  Brendan

  I slipped the pills under my tongue, just like Chad had taught me, and then swallowed the water while the nurse watched. She left us alone. It was just like Chad said; it was easy when I got the hang of it.

  I was just getting ready to spit out the pills when an orderly came into the room. I thought I’d been caught, or that he was coming to take me away for some damned treatment or other, but instead he handed me a piece of paper and a napkin.

  “I’ll be back in an hour,” he said, then left without another word. I opened the paper. It was a letter from Brad.

  “What’s that?” asked Chad.

  “It’s a message from my best friend,” I said. Chad came over and read over

  my shoulder. Brad told me how the orderly was his cousin and that I could trust him. He also asked if I had a plan to escape and said that he’d be waiting to help me get away when I gave the word. He told me a lot of other things in the message too. It was the first news I’d had of the real world in days.

  “You sure this is from your friend?”

  “Yeah,” I said. “No doubt about it.”

  “Okay, just checking. You never know what these dudes in here will try.” Chad seemed rather paranoid, but from what I’d experienced in Cloverdale

  so far, his paranoia was probably justified.

  “We can do it now, dude,” said Chad excitedly. “We might really pull it off.” Next I looked at the napkin. The message was simple:

  “Brendan, I hope you’re okay. I miss you so much. Don’t worry about me, the team is looking after me. I’ll be waiting

  152 when you get out. I’m going with you, wherever you go. There’s nothing for me here without you. I love you. Please hurry. Casper.”

  Tears flowed from my eyes.

  I read through both messages again, and then flushed them down the toilet. I wrote out a lengthy message to Brad, telling him to be waiting for me at 10 p.m. on Thursday night. Chad and I had been working on our escape plan and, with a little help from Brad’s cousin; we just might be able to pull it off. My heart pounded in my chest. I had a real chance to escape at last. I’d only been in the hospital for a few days, but it seemed like an eternity.

  I wrote a message to Casper as well. I told him that I was fine, which, of course, wasn’t true. I also told him that they hadn’t done anything bad to me in the Cloverdale Center, which was another lie. I didn’t like lying to Casper, but I didn’t want him to worry about me. I told him how very much I loved him, and that couldn’t have been truer.

  The orderly was back right on time. He took the notes and quickly hid them away.

  “Let me know if you need anything,” he said. “I’ll do what I can to help.” Moments later, he was gone.

  I turned to Chad.

  “Thursday night,” I said. “That’s when we’re getting out of here.”

  “You know, dude, you’ve turned out to be a better room-mate that I thought,” he said smiling.

  We didn’t waste any time. We’d been planning and scheming almost since my arrival and Chad had been working on ways to get out of there even before I arrived. Sometimes Chad seemed too spaced out to even think straight, but he was a smart boy. He’d figured out how to avoid taking the drugs they tried pumping into him every day and that had allowed him to figure out a whole lot more. In the time he’d been in Cloverdale, Chad had learned the schedule for the security guards, the schedule for the nurses and doctors, and even the schedule for trash and laundry pick up. He kept his eyes open for any means of escape. One of his most important discoveries was that a small window in a storage room in the basement wasn’t connected into the alarm system and had only a simple lock. He’d explained that it would be a tight fit, but that we could squeeze through.

  There were three main problems standing between us and freedom. One of them was being able to get away from the center quick enough to avoid recapture after we’d escaped through the fences. Brad would take care of that one, however. Once we made it out, he could speed us away. That left us with two problems. One of these was getting through the fence. It was far too tall to climb and even if we could have, the top had barbed wire on it. It was only the day before that this problem had been solved. Chad had been saving up his drugs for weeks and he’d managed to trade them to one of the maintenance men for a pair of bolt cutters. He’d stashed the cutters in the little basement storage room. That left us with just one problem, but it was a big one.

  After stashing the bolt cutters, Chad had been caught in the basement. He faked being totally high and out of his mind. That kept him out of trouble, but his presence in the basement had drawn attention to the fact that it was easy for him to get down there. The old locking mechanism to the basement door had been replaced with a high security lock that Chad couldn’t pick. Opening the door would require a key.

  We’d seemed so close when Chad got the bolt-cutters, only to be faced with a new obstacle in our path. We’d already been working out ways to get our hands on a key when the note from Brad arrived and a new opportunity presented itself. His cousin had a key.

  Brad had long been my best friend, but if our attempt at escape was successful, I’d owe him a debt I could never repay. Without help from the outside, I don’t think we’d have ever managed an escape.

  I owed Chad a lot too. Without him, I wouldn’t have been able to keep all the drugs the nurses pushed at me out of my system. I’d have been as doped up as everyone else and wouldn’t have had a chance. That was the real reason the center handed out drugs like candy. All the kids in the center were so out of it they couldn’t even think about escaping. Ian was a prime example of that. The drugs had fried his brain. I knew that without Chad’s help, I’d have been like him in a short time.

  I wanted nothing more than to escape from that place. In the short time I’d been there, I’d learned what it was all about. Parents sent their kids there in a fucked up, delusional attempt to make them straight. Chad and I had checked around. Kids had been committed to Cloverdale for all kinds of reasons supposedly, but every last one of them was gay. That was the real reason they were there; their parents couldn’t deal with their kid’s sexual orientation, so they put them in the Cloverdale Center. That was bad enough, but what the doctors and nurses did in there was worse. It was criminal. It was nothing less than psychological, and sometimes even physical, torture. After what I’d seen, I had no doubt that the center was all about sadism for profit.

  * * * Brad’s cousin came into the room the very next day with another note. This one simply said that Brad would be wherever we told him to be at 10 p.m. on Thursday. I quickly wrote out instructions to Brad, while I talked to his cousin.

  “On Thursday night, we need you to get us into the basement, is that a problem?” I asked.

  “You sure don’t ask for much, do you?” he said, acting as if I’d ask him to walk us out the front gates.

  “Can you do it?”

  “Yes, but it will be risky. You boys understand I can only cover your butts so far?”

  “Yeah.”

  “As long as we understand each other. I’ll get you into the basement
, then I’m out of there and you’re on your own.”

  “Thanks,” I said. “That’s all we’ll need.” I paused, then realized I didn’t even know the guys name. “What’s your name?”

  “Jason.” How ironic that his name was the same as that of Casper’s brother.

  I handed Jason the note for Brad and he carefully hid it away. He agreed to come for us the next Thursday at 9:45 p.m.

  * * * There were only a few days until our planned escape, but it seemed like forever in that place. Those were the worst days of my life. I had to endure hours of psychological battering from doctors intent on “curing” me. It was enough to drive me out of my mind. Every time they came for me, I cringed. I knew what was coming, a verbal and psychological attack meant to beat me into submission. If I’d been on the drugs that they continued to poke at me, I think I really would have lost it in there. It was a psychological horror house.

  Chad and I were sitting on the edge of my bed talking when the door opened and Brian, one of the orderlies, walked right in. No one ever knocked. Privacy meant nothing at Cloverdale. Brian gave us an amused look.

  “I guess you boys haven’t learned much from your sessions,” he said. “What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked.

  “I know what you boys do when no one is around. Just look at how close

  you’re sitting together.”

  “Give me a break, dude,” said Chad.

  “Come on, queer boy,” he said, looking at me, “it’s time for a session with

  your new shrink.” I got up and followed him. What I really wanted to do was beat him senseless. Most of the orderlies were real dicks, but Brian was the worst. He lived for putting us down and for slinging sexual innuendo at us. He loved calling me “queer boy.” I thought about telling him what a hypocrite he was. He never failed to devour me with his eyes. I could tell just by looking that he wanted me bad. It made me dislike him that much more. I had no doubt he was gay. What kind of guy would be a part of the Cloverdale Center when he knew what went on there, and was gay himself? I knew he had to be one sick puppy. I was afraid of him. I feared that he’d attack me some night. It was one more reason for wanting to get out of that place.