by Mark Roeder
I turned on the television and A Charlie Brown Christmas was playing. It was one of my favorites. I got all excited when I found out there would be Christmas specials on all night long. I loved watching those programs. It seemed more like Christmas than it had in years, with the snow falling down outside and Christmas music coming from the television inside.
We didn’t have much in the way of decorations, but Brendan had brought some colored paper from the diner and we sat down and cut out little ornaments. We made most of them round, but Brendan managed to cut out some angels and I made some bells and sleighs. I tried for a reindeer, but couldn’t quite get it right. I ended up saying it was a dog.
We hung our little ornaments on the tree and stood back and looked at it. It was surprisingly attractive. It was special because it was our tree, me and Brendan’s. I wrapped my arm around his waist and pulled him close as we looked at it.
“It’s the best Christmas tree ever,” I told him.
* * * We worked in the diner until six p.m. on Christmas Eve. It was usually opened later, but Alec closed it up early. Brendan and I spent much of the evening just walking around town and looking at all the lights. It had warmed up into the high twenties, so it wasn’t as cold as before. We passed house after house all decorated with bright lights. We could see Christmas trees in some of the houses, but none were prettier than ours. We’d gone all out and even bought some icicles for it. When we grew tired, we went to our motel room and settled in for the night.
I awoke early on Christmas morning. I was excited. I couldn’t wait to give Brendan his present. He was barely out of bed before I pulled it from its hiding place and pressed it into his hands.
“What’s this?” he asked.
“It’s a present, silly.”
He turned it over and shook it.
“Open it!”
Brendan ripped the paper off the box, and then lifted off the lid. He pulled
the coat out and laughed. It wasn’t quite the reaction I was expecting. “You don’t like it?”
“No, no, I love it! It’s just…” Brendan rummaged under the bed and came
out with a wrapped box. He handed it to me. I unwrapped the package and opened the box to find a coat identical to the one I’d given Brendan. I understood why he’d laughed when he saw his coat.
“I guess I’ve got good taste,” I said giggling.
“Try it on.”
I pulled it on. It was warm and comfy. It was the perfect present. I needed a coat badly. Brendan put his on too. We were a matched set. I grabbed him and hugged him, although it was hard to feel him through both of the coats.
“Merry Christmas,” I said.
“Merry Christmas, Casper.”
* * * We had a quick breakfast of donuts since the diner was closed, and then went out into a snowy Christmas day. Everything was covered in a blanket of the purest white. It was cold, but my new coat kept me all warm. We walked to the park and started throwing snowballs at each other. There were some other boys there and pretty soon there were about a dozen of us having a big snowball fight. I got smacked right in the face with one real hard, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t remember when I’d had so much fun.
We called a truce and divided into two groups and built forts. Most of the boys were younger, so Brendan was in charge of building our fort. We made the walls real thick under Brendan’s direction and left little places to look out and throw snowballs. Our opponents made a fort with much higher walls, so high they could stand up behind them and not be seen.
After about an hour of fort construction, the truce ended and both sides opened fire. I had to keep down to avoid getting another snowball in the face. I just whipped snow balls out the openings, and then jerked back before I could get hit. It worked, most of the time.
We fired snowballs back and forth for several minutes, and then Brendan made a few especially large and well packed balls. I knew they were too heavy for me to throw more than a yard or so, but Brendan was strong.
“Watch this,” he told me and the other boys, then whipped one of his snow balls at the walls of the enemy fort. It smashed right through the wall, leaving a big hole. Brendan threw another heavy snowball and part of the front wall of our opponent’s fort collapsed.
“Too tall, not thick enough,” he said as he continued his attack. Each snowball wiped out part of the enemy fort until most of it was down. The rest of us fired snowballs at our opponents, really pounding them hard. Brendan took out more and more of their wall until there wasn’t much left. The boys fighting us had to hide behind piles of snow that weren’t big enough to protect them. We really let them have it. They couldn’t take it and retreated. We jumped from behind our fort and attacked them. Soon we’d driven them away. We jumped up and down whooping with victory.
Some of the boys invited me and Brendan to go sledding and we followed them to the edge of town. There was a big hill there that looked more like a mountain. We all took turns using the sleds and it was a blast. Brendan even dared to go down the part called “The Devil’s Backbone.” It was a really steep section of hill that had a sudden drop near the bottom. Brendan sailed down the hill at break-neck speed then shot into the air when he reached the drop. He must have flown ten feet before he hit the snow again. He slid to a halt without being thrown from his sled. The boys said it was quite an accomplishment and I didn’t doubt it one bit. I wasn’t about to go down that part of the hill. It was too much for me.
We went back to our motel room and got out of our wet clothes. Brendan turned up the heat and I went in and took a hot shower. The hot water felt so good and warmed me up. It was Brendan’s turn next and I dressed while he was showering. The room had warmed up nicely and only the snow falling down outside reminded me it was winter.
Brendan came out of the bathroom a few minutes later with a towel wrapped around his waist. I looked at him. He was beautiful. I admired his powerful muscles. He was so strong, and tall. I loved him so much. I walked over to him and hugged him close. I lay my head against his chest and could hear his heart beat. We just stood there, holding each other.
I leaned back and looked into Brendan’s eyes. They were warm and inviting. I got up on my toes and kissed him on the lips. It made me feel wonderful. I felt a rush of excitement throughout my entire body. I took Brendan’s hand and led him to the bed. I was amazed at my own boldness, but I gently pushed him down on the bed and lay on top of him, still kissing him. He was my boyfriend. I loved him, and he loved me. I pulled off my clothes and pulled Brendan’s towel from his waist. We lay on the bed and made love to each other. I was happier and more content than I’d ever been in my entire life.
Brendan
The days slipped by until weeks had disappeared. The bitter cold of late December and January gave way to more comfortable temperatures and soon there was little more than a chill in the air. Casper and I spent most of our days working in the diner and our evenings in our motel room. Often we got out and walked around town and on weekends we spent a lot of time in the park, sometimes playing with the other boys there. One day seemed much like the next in the quiet little town. It was too quiet really and didn’t take long to become boring.
The only real excitement was when my path crossed Ellen’s, and it was excitement I did not want. I didn’t like being reminded of what I had done and I didn’t like the way she looked at me. I couldn’t help but be resentful, even though she had done nothing bad to me. I guess she had taken advantage of me in a way, but I knew what I was doing. I guess it could just as easily be said that I took advantage of her.
She found me sitting alone in the park one Sunday. Casper was back at the motel room resting, but I wasn’t tired. I needed to get out and stretch my legs. I ended up in the park since there weren’t many places to go in town. I tensed as she approached and sat beside me on the bench.
“Have you been avoiding me Brandon?”
“It’s Brendan, and no.” She’d had sex with me, but she didn’t even reme
mber my name. I was lying about avoiding her. I avoided her like the plague— seeing her brought up too many unpleasant memories.
“Yes, that’s right, Brendan. I’ve missed you.” Ellen put her hand on my leg. I tensed and politely moved her hand to the bench.
“Who is that blond boy I see you with?”
“A friend.”
205 “He’s a real cutie isn’t he? I wouldn’t mind taking him home with me.” “You stay away from him!” I realized I was shouting angrily. “Calm down, Brendan. I was just saying I thought he was cute.” “Uh huh.”
“So he’s a friend?”
“Yeah, that’s right.” I was beginning to get uncomfortable.
“Just a friend?”
The tone of her voice frightened me. Her words were something between
an accusation and a threat. I didn’t answer for a moment. It was a pause that spoke volumes. “We’re good friends,” I said. It was a non-answer, but I didn’t want to tell her the truth and I didn’t want to deny the truth either. It’s not like I owed her any kind of explanation. I was angry that she was prying and it came through in my voice.
“No need to get hostile, Brendan,” said Ellen. “I like you a lot and I sure enjoyed our night together. You’re quite a talented young man.”
I could feel my face turning red. She was playing with me. She stood.
“Call me if you want to spend the night again. I’ll pay double if you bring that cute little friend of yours with you, maybe more than that.”
I was so mad I couldn’t see straight, but I thought it wise not to go off on her like she deserved. She had information about me that I didn’t want to get out. I especially didn’t want her saying anything to Casper. I couldn’t afford to let her know how desperately I wanted to keep what I’d done from him. I was sure she was the kind that would use such information to her advantage.
“I’ll think about it,” I said, when what I really wanted to say was “Fuck you, bitch.”
She smiled and walked away. I felt shaky. I’d made a lot of money for the night I’d spent with her, but it had cost me in more ways than one.
* * * I sat at the counter in the diner early one morning in mid-April. It wasn’t time to open up yet and I fixing myself some cereal. I grabbed a carton of milk and began pouring it into the bowl. Suddenly my heart was in my throat and I dropped the carton, spilling milk all over the counter. I just sat there and stared at it as the milk ran out.
“If you think I’m cleaning that up, you’re crazy,” said Casper. He was behind the counter sweeping.
He stopped and looked at me.
“Brendan, what’s wrong?” From the way I felt, I’m sure all the color had drained from my face.
I picked up the milk carton, and just stared at the side. Casper came around the counter to see what I was staring at. His eyes grew wide when he saw it. My picture was on the side of the milk carton. Right under it was my name, my birth date, and a description of me. I was on a milk carton. I couldn’t believe it.
I looked at Casper. He looked back at me, uncertain as to exactly what it all meant. I wondered how many other people in town had seen my picture. I wondered if any of them recognized me. I thought of Ellen.
“We’ve got to get out of here,” I said.
As if on cue, Ellen came into the diner. She ordered pancakes and sausages. She also ordered a glass of milk and put so much emphasis on the word “milk” that I knew it was meant as a warning. She knew. Any doubt I might have had was erased when she told me she wanted to talk to me that evening. She had a proposition for me. I shuddered to think what that proposition might be. I feared I already knew.
Less than two hours after discovering my photo on the side of a milk carton, Casper and I were packed and heading out of town. I felt really bad for leaving Alec short a waiter and a buss boy with absolutely no notice at all, but there was no way around it. Alec was very understanding when I told him we had to go, even though I didn’t tell him why. He even sent us on our way with a big bag of donuts and rolls. I think he always knew that Casper and I were running from something.
As we walked north along the side of the road I wondered if anyone besides Ellen had recognized my picture, and if they’d called the number on the side of the carton. If they had, the police would be after us in a flash. Every step made me feel a little safer, but I must admit I was scared. The possibility of being taken back to Cloverdale was just too much for me. The old fear was back.
When we’d been walking for several hours, I looked at my watch. It was six p.m. That’s when I was supposed to meet Ellen. She’d know pretty soon that I wasn’t coming. I wondered what she’d do. I wondered if she’d call the police, or just come after us herself. I was afraid of her. I knew she would do something far worse than just turning me in if she got the chance. She’d threaten to turn me in if I didn’t do what she wanted, and there was no doubt in my mind about what she wanted. I cringed when I thought that she might even want Casper involved. I couldn’t handle even thinking about that. We were leaving Ellen farther and farther behind, however, so that danger was disappearing fast.
“I kind of wish we could have stayed,” said Casper. “I liked it there. I was beginning to think of our little motel room as home.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean,” I said. I didn’t completely share Casper’s opinion, because of Ellen. I knew I’d never be comfortable with her around. She was a reminder of the worst moments in my life. I was glad to be leaving her behind.
“So where we headed now?” asked Casper.
“North,” I said, as if it were a destination. “We’ll find us a place to stay, Casper. We find someplace where we can stay for good. I want it to be someplace kind of isolated, however, so it will be less likely that someone will recognize me.”
“I got something in my pack that will help with that,” said Casper. “I picked it up when I went out and bought us groceries.”
I was very curious. Before we left town, Casper made a last trip to the grocery store to get us some supplies. I’d stayed back in the motel room and packed because I was afraid I’d be recognized. I guess that was pretty stupid though. It was a small town and everyone had already seen me countless times.
“What is it?”
“Hair coloring. You’re gonna be blond like me by tomorrow. You’ll be like Ponyboy in The Outsiders when he had to bleach his hair so he and Johnny wouldn’t be recognized.”
“No way! You’re not touching my hair!”
“It’ll only be blond until it grows out, and it will make it a lot harder for anyone to recognize you. You don’t want to go back to that hospital again do you?”
“No,” I said. I didn’t want my hair changed like that, but Casper was making a lot of sense. It would be a lot better being blond for a while than going back to the Cloverdale Center.
We walked on and on. I’d forgotten how my feet and legs got tired after walking for a few hours. It would take time to get myself back in shape. It was far more pleasant traveling in April than it had been in December, however. Instead of cold and snow, we had reasonable warmth and sunshine. It would still be chilly at night, but nothing like it had been in the winter.
We camped out by a stream that night and Casper colored my hair. I wasn’t at all thrilled with the idea, but it was better than the alternative. By the time he was done, I was just as blond as my boyfriend. At least that’s what Casper told me. We didn’t have a mirror and I couldn’t see for myself. Casper said I looked really good, but I wasn’t sure if I believed him or not. I suspected he’d lie to make me feel better about my appearance.
I awoke in the night thinking I was in our motel room. The stars overhead brought me quickly back to reality. We were on the run again. I wondered if we’d ever be able to stop running and settle down. The world seemed a very unfair place.
The morning light awoke us early and we set out once more, determined to put more distance between ourselves and the little town we’d called home for
a few months. The miles wore on beneath our feet as we passed the forests and fields of central Indiana. It was the beginning of spring and the trees were just beginning to leaf. It was a time of year I loved and our journey was far from unpleasant. Had our future been a little more secure, I could have thoroughly enjoyed our flight as a little adventure. As it was, I had no idea where we were going to, or what we’d do when we got there.
Casper
After four weeks and more of continuous travel, the novelty of it began to wear off. I wanted nothing more than to stop somewhere, anywhere, and stay right there forever. Sleeping in a different place each night was its own kind of excitement, but I was more than ready to give it up. If I hadn’t loved Brendan so very much, I don’t think I could have taken that kind of life.
Brendan and I walked past a sign that read “Verona” and soon came to a graveyard on the edge of town. We walked in and seated ourselves for a rest, and a bit of lunch. It might seem an odd place for a picnic, but it was daytime, during school hours, and we didn’t want to arouse suspicions by being seen. We could be alone in the cemetery, out of sight and mind among the weathered tomb stones.
Not all the tomb stones were weather-beaten, however. Right before us were two that looked as if they’d just been placed there. They certainly hadn’t been there long; the dates of death were just the previous fall. I gazed at the stones as I chewed on a stale roll and immediately began to wonder about those buried there.
“Look at this,” I told Brendan. “The guys buried here were our age, and they were both born on August 21, 1964 and both died on November 3, 1980. Isn’t that weird?”
“Yeah, I wonder why they’re buried side by side like that. Think they were brothers or something?”
“No, look at the names; Mark Bailey and Taylor Potter. They couldn’t have been brothers.”
“Maybe step-brothers?”
210 I looked at the stones but there were no answers there, just the names and dates of birth and death. I nibbled on my roll and let my mind drift to other things.