by Mark Roeder
“There’s something I didn’t tell you guys about me,” said Casper. “I don’t want to go into details, but the night my dad was killed, my brother was raping me. It wasn’t the first time he’d done either.”
I could tell it took an immense amount of courage for Casper to speak those words. He looked at us somewhat fearfully, as if we’d think badly of him for what had happened to him. I could tell he was embarrassed about it too.
It was a night of trust, and telling secrets. I told Casper and Brendan why Dave and I had to leave home. I told them about what my mom did to me. It wasn’t as bad as Casper’s brother raping him, but it was close. I told them how my mom made me have sex with her, and how I was afraid she’d do the same thing with my little brother. It hurt to tell them. Like Casper, I felt embarrassed and ashamed, although it wasn’t my fault. Tears welled up in my eyes and Ethan hugged me close to him.
“I’m so sorry,” said Casper. He understood, better than anyone else there, what I’d gone through. I’d never told anyone, except Ethan, about what had happened with my mom. It was painful to speak of it, and yet it felt good to have someone understand. Hearing Casper’s story made me feel better about my own bad experiences. It let me look at myself through his eyes in a way. I’m sure hearing my own tale helped him too. That’s why I told it. I wanted to help him. I discovered that in helping him, I helped myself.
Not all secrets were revealed that night, but we shared our deepest pain. It made things easier and made us all feel closer. I liked Brendan and Casper even more than I had before. They were more than friends now. They were brothers.
Brendan
“She what!?” My eyes filled with tears and I started shaking.
“She wants me to come home with her,” repeated Casper quietly. I’d heard him the first time, but he had spoken the words that were my
secret fear. I tried to rein in my emotions, but I couldn’t handle it. I just sat down on the edge of the bed and cried. “Hey, Brendan,” said Casper, taking my chin in his hand and making me look at him. “I told her I didn’t want to go. I told her I wanted to stay here, with you.”
“And?” I asked hopefully. “She still wants me to come home with her, but she said she’s not going to force me into anything. It’s my choice.”
“What did you decide?” I was pretty sure of the answer to my question, but I needed to hear it out loud. I needed to be reassured that Casper wasn’t going to leave me.
“It would be nice to go and live with her in Florida. I like her a lot, Brendan. I love her and she’s my grandmother. It would be nice to have a home like that.” Tears started welling up in my eyes again. “Living with her would be nice, but I’m staying with you. I’d never leave you, Brendan, you know that. I love you, more than anything, more than anyone. I’d never leave you.”
I was so happy I cried some more, feeling a little silly for doing so. I hoped that Casper didn’t think I didn’t have faith in him, but I couldn’t help but react the way I did. The thought of losing him was just too much for me.
“So what happens next?” I asked.
“After Ethan, Nathan, and Dave take off for school, Grandmother and Uncle Jack are going into town to see this lawyer Jack knows. My grandmother is going to try and get custody of me.”
253 It was time for breakfast, so I finished dressing, washed the tears off my face, and headed downstairs with Casper. The kitchen was noisy with everyone filling their plates and talking. Anyone walking in would have thought we were just another farm family. Well, just about. Nathan and Casper, the blonds of the group, looked a bit out of place. That was just as well I guess, since Nathan was Ethan’s boyfriend and Casper was mine.
The bacon and pancakes were sure good. Breakfast was always big in the Selby house. Nathan and Casper took turns being the main cooks, but the rest of us helped out. There was no real schedule to it, but everyone did their part. Dave always supplied the eggs. He was in charge of the chickens. He fed them, he watered them, and he gathered the eggs. He loved them all and especially the little hen he’d named Henrietta. It was a good thing the chickens were kept for eggs and not for frying. I don’t think Dave could have handled that. We had chicken now and then, but it came from the supermarket. Uncle Jack said that killing and plucking all the feathers off a chicken just wasn’t worth it. He was probably right, but I suspected he didn’t want to upset Dave either. Dave was like his grandson.
Now that I knew about Ethan and Nathan, I saw them differently. Before I’d thought that Ethan treated Dave like a little brother, but now I saw that he really treated him more like a son. It was kind of like Dave was Ethan and Nathan’s kid, and Jack’s grandson. I liked thinking of them like that.
Casper’s grandmother fit in well. She insisted on helping out around the farm. I could tell she liked it. She made the most delicious bread I’d ever tasted. She especially liked working in the garden. I’d seen her helping Casper and Nathan with it a few times. Of course, she liked being near Casper. It was clear she cared about him very much. I could see why she’d want him to come and live with her. I felt a little sorry for her that he didn’t want to do that. I guess it wasn’t quite true that he didn’t want to live with her; he just wanted to live with me more.
“I guess we’ll be having a party tonight,” said Dave.
“What for?” I asked. I was thinking it might have something to do with Ardelene attempting to get custody of Casper.
“Not too bright, is he?” said Ethan to Nathan.
“Hey!” I yelled.
“Duh! It’s your birthday, Brendan,” said Nathan. “It looks like you’d be able
to remember that. And people think I’m dumb because I’m blond.” He laughed. “Hey, the blond guys are the smart ones,” said Casper. “They just have all those blond jokes because they’re jealous.”
“Nah, you know why they have blond jokes, don’t you?” said Nathan. “So brunettes have something to do on Friday nights.” I’d heard that one before, but it was still funny.
I’d completely forgotten it was my birthday. The shock of Casper telling me his grandmother wanted him to come and live with her drove it right out of my head. Dave started singing “Happy Birthday” and Ethan and Nathan joined him. The others would have too, but they were too busy laughing. The boys were singing off key on purpose and it was exceptionally horrible.
“If you guys are gonna sing like that then I’m not having any more birthdays.”
“You’ll get to hear us again tonight,” said Ethan. “It comes with the cake and ice cream.”
“I can hardly wait,” I said, rolling my eyes.
It felt good to be surrounded by friends who cared about me. I felt like they were family. It was funny, I felt more at home there than I ever had in my real home. I’d never realized it before, but even when things were good at home, there was a distance between me and my parents. Something had always been missing. I didn’t know what that something was, but it was present on the Selby farm.
Nathan
Supper was beyond good. It was Brendan’s birthday, so Casper and I cooked all of his favorites. Luckily, they were also mine, for the most part. We had barbecued ribs, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes with marshmallow on top, and some sage stuffing. Casper’s grandma made some wonderful bread and baked Brendan a big chocolate cake with the best icing I’d ever tasted. We hadn’t had any of the cake yet, but I’d managed to sneak a taste. That was one of the advantages of being a cook.
After supper, we didn’t return to our work like we usually did. Instead Jack got out the ice cream freezer and put in all the ingredients for vanilla ice cream. We all went out to the porch and us boys took turns turning the handle on the freezer. It took a lot of turning to make homemade ice cream, but it was way better than any that came from the store.
“So what happened in town?” asked Brendan. We were all eager to hear what progress Jack and Ardelene had made toward getting custody of Casper.
“Well,” said Jack, �
��it’s going to take weeks to get through all the paperwork, and there will be a hearing before the judge, but it doesn’t look like there will be any problems, since Casper has no other family, except for his brother. As I suspected, there is another difficulty, however.”
“What?” said Casper, fearfully. Brendan looked scared.
“Don’t get worried, it’s not a big one. Until the hearing, Casper, you have to either stay with your grandmother, or be placed in a foster home.”
“You said it would take weeks,” said Casper. He turned and looked at his grandma. “This means I have to go back to Florida with you, doesn’t it?” He glanced sideways towards Brendan, who looked like he was going to be ill.
256 “No, Jack has been kind enough to offer me a place to stay while we’re waiting for the hearing.”
“Really!? You’re staying here? That’s great Grandma! It’s not that I don’t want to be with you, it’s just that I don’t want to leave here, you know?” He looked again at Brendan and Ardelene didn’t miss his glance.
“I know.”
Casper ran over to Ardelene and hugged her. “I love you, Grandma.”
“I love you too.”
I looked over at Jack. He looked a bit sheepish.
“How’s that ice cream coming, boy?” he asked Ethan, who was taking his turn at the freezer. Ethan lifted the lid and checked on the contents.
“Just about ready.”
“Then it’s time for presents!” said Dave, and ran inside. He came back moments later with a stack of presents for Brendan.
“This one’s from me!” he said, “and Uncle Jack.”
“You didn’t have to get me anything,” said Brendan surprised. Dave ignored him and pushed a package that he’d obviously wrapped himself into Brendan’s hands.
Brendan opened the package and drew out a new pair of jeans. He smiled.
“Thanks, I can sure use these.”
“This is from Ethan and me,” I said, as I handed him another package. He unwrapped it and pulled out a new shirt.
“This is great. I don’t have hardly any clothes.” That’s something we’d noticed. It made it easy to pick out presents.
“This is from Grandma and me,” said Casper. He handed Brendan a package that was too small to have any clothes in it. I waited to see what was in it. Brendan opened it and almost looked like he was going to cry when he saw what was inside.
“The Lord of the Rings,” he said. “These are my favorite books. Thanks so much Casper, and Ardelene. Thanks everybody!” Casper told me later that Brendan had to leave almost everything he owned behind when he left. He’d told him how he especially felt bad about leaving his Lord of the Rings set behind. He loved to read those books over and over.
Ardelene and Casper went inside and soon returned with the chocolate cake. On top were eighteen candles.
“Make a wish,” said Dave. Brendan closed his eyes for a moment, and then looked at Casper before blowing out the candles. He blew them all out at once. Ethan, Dave, Casper, and I broke into a bad rendition of “Happy Birthday.” We did our best to make it sound worse than the one we’d sung in the morning.
“I’ll tell you what I want for my birthday next year,” said Brendan. “I want you guys NOT to sing happy birthday.” That made everyone laugh.
Ardelene cut the cake and handed out pieces while Ethan scooped out ice cream. It was a beautiful spring evening and we sat on the porch, and ate, and laughed, far into the night. Brendan said it was the best birthday he’d ever had.
Brendan
Casper sneaked into my room after everyone else had gone to bed. It felt good to have him lying next to me. Most people believe that all boys ever think about is sex. We do think about sex a lot, but there is a lot more to us than that. Sex didn’t enter my mind as I lay there with Casper. I just enjoyed being with him, I enjoyed the closeness, and the intimacy. I enjoyed sex as well, boy did I enjoy it, but it sure wasn’t the most important part of the relationship between Casper and me. I think what most people really crave is closeness and not sex at all. They just want to be loved, and feel secure. Sex is just a way of expressing that. When Casper and I made love, I always had this sense of oneness with him. It was like we became one being when we made love. That feeling didn’t disappear when the love-making was over either, it continued on as we lay together. Often, I didn’t even need the sex to have the feeling of oneness. My body usually had other ideas, but my heart and soul were content to just be with the one I loved.
“You’re eighteen now, Brendan. Your parents can’t touch you. They can’t ever make you go back to that awful place. No one can.” He hugged me close.
“It’s definitely a load off my mind. Our days of running are really over now. I’m legally an adult and your grandmother will get custody of you soon. Everything just might be okay.”
“I hope so. Things are sure a lot better than they were.”
I was quiet for several moments.
“What are you thinking?” asked Casper.
“I was just thinking that I’ll have to go to school now. It almost doesn’t seem worth it with only a month left to go. I can’t believe we missed most of the school year. I wonder if we’ll have to redo the whole thing.”
“That wouldn’t be so bad, would it?” asked Casper.
259 “I guess not, as long as the school here is cool. I wouldn’t mind trying out for the football team next fall.”
“And maybe they could use a water boy.” Casper giggled.
“You think your grandmother will really let you stay here after this whole thing is settled? I know she’d really like you to live with her.”
“Don’t worry, Brendan. Grandma and I talked about it a lot, and she’s talked to Uncle Jack about it. She thinks this place is good for me, and she knows I’ll be safe here. She said I could stay here as long as I wanted. Grandma did say that I had to come and live with her if I stopped working and living here. That would be okay too though, ‘cause you’re eighteen now and you could just come too. I’m sure I could get Grandma to let you live with us.”
“I don’t know about that.”
“I do. Anyway, don’t worry about it, because I’m staying with you. No matter what, we are going to be together always.” I smiled. It was the best birthday present ever.
Casper and I wrapped our arms around each other. We didn’t mean to, but we fell asleep like that. I awoke with a jolt the next morning when I felt someone shaking me.
“Time to get up you sleepyheads.” It was Nathan. I was still frightened by the whole thing. I kept wondering what would have happened if it was Ardelene who found Casper and I sleeping together, instead of Nathan. All we were doing was sleeping, but I was afraid of how she would react.
“Hurry up and come help me with breakfast,” said Nathan.
“Sure,” said Casper sleepily. He rushed to his room and I heard him jogging downstairs just moments later.
I was wondering a lot about what Casper’s grandmother would think about Casper being gay, and about us being boyfriends. I was eighteen now, and free, but Casper was still fifteen and still very much under the control of others. When I thought about our ages, a new problem came to mind. When I was seventeen and Casper fifteen, the age difference seemed a bit big, but not too bad. Eighteen sounded so much farther away from fifteen. There was three years difference between us. Well, not really three years, more like two and a quarter, but anyone doing the math by our ages would come up with three. Casper’s grandmother might think I was a cradle robber. If I was twenty-eight and Casper was twenty-five, it wouldn’t be a big deal, but at eighteen and fifteen I was afraid it would be.
I was legally an adult now. In the eyes of the law, anything I did sexually with Casper was illegal. I didn’t like thinking about that. It made it seem like we were doing something wrong. Ethan and Nathan would soon be in the same spot. I thought about talking to Ethan about it. I wondered if Uncle Jack had given it any thought. He didn’t know about Casper and
me, of course, but he might have guessed, and he sure knew about Ethan and Nathan.
I pulled on my clothes and went downstairs, feeling more than a bit uncomfortable about the whole thing. I just hoped it wouldn’t cause any trouble. I always thought that turning eighteen would mark the end of my problems. I guess I was wrong.
* * * I sat in a chair outside the Assistant Principal’s office feeling very uncomfortable. Casper was sitting right next to me, and his grandmother next to him. I was eighteen, and technically didn’t have to attend school, but I knew I was going nowhere in life without a high school diploma. Casper, on the other hand, did have to go to school.
“Mr. Montgomery will see you now,” said the secretary. I went in, alone. My first impression of Mr. Montgomery was that I didn’t care for him all that much. It wasn’t anything in particular. He didn’t do or say anything that made me dislike him, it was just a feeling.
I had to endure questions about why I hadn’t been in school in recent months and what I’d been doing all that time. I told Mr. Montgomery about the trouble with my parents and explained why I had to run away. I carefully avoided any mention of my sexual orientation.
“ Cloverdale Center…” said Mr. Montgomery, thinking. “I’ve heard of it. I’ve…”
He looked at me and I had little doubt he’d remembered that it was a hospital where they sent gay boys to be “cured.” There was something disapproving in his glance, but he didn’t say anything.
Mr. Montgomery got on the phone and called my old school, requesting my transcripts. Luckily, my school records also indicated my date of birth. I had no way of getting hold of my birth certificate. He asked me more questions, most of which I didn’t think had much to do with me enrolling in school. I was glad to leave his office when he sent me off to see Mr. Kerr, a guidance counselor who would help get me enrolled. I passed Casper on his way in with his grandmother and rolled my eyes at him. He smiled.
I walked through the halls, making my way to the guidance office. Classes were just switching and the halls were filled with kids I didn’t know. They looked pretty much like the kids from my old school, of all shapes and sizes. I wondered which ones were on the football team. I knew football wouldn’t start up until after summer vacation, but part of me was just itching to get back into it, even if that only meant talking to the guys on the team.