by Mark Roeder
Brendan
I walked around the corner of the barn and nearly ran into Ethan. He was stacking some fence posts up against the wall. He took off his gloves and turned to me. It was a warm spring day and his bare chest glistened in the sunlight. I couldn’t help but run my eyes over his hard, muscular body. Ethan had a beautiful build and I wanted more than anything to reach out and run my hand over the muscles of his chest.
Ethan’s eyes caught mine and we gazed at one another. I saw his eyes shift quickly down my bare torso, and then back up again. We were standing so close I could feel his breath. There was a tension in the air. I knew at that moment that he was as attracted to me as I was him. I looked into his eyes; he was so powerful, so beautiful.
Both of us leaned forward, just a little. Slowly, our lips neared, growing ever closer. Each moment seemed to last a century as the distance between us lessened. I could feel Ethan’s hot breath on my face and I became aware that I was breathing harder myself. We were so close our lips were almost touching.
“No.”
It took me a moment to realize that Ethan had said the very same word that I did, at the very same time. We took a step back and looked at each other. “You are beautiful, but I love Nathan,” he said.
“And I love Casper.” I smiled.
Ethan extended his hand and I took it. He pulled me to him and we hugged.
It was the hug of a friend and not a lover. We pulled away from each other and I nodded my head. We both silently acknowledged that we found each other attractive, but that we’d never allow anything to come of it. If we had met in another place and time, we could have easily have become boyfriends. We were both in love with another, however, and nothing could overcome that. I was
281 glad that we did not kiss, but I wasn’t sorry for what had passed between us. I think it made us closer than ever before.
“Well, I’ve got to get back to work,” said Ethan.
“I need to get at it too,” I said.
Ethan continued with his task. I watched him for a few fleeting moments. His muscles bulged under the weight of a fence pole. He was beautiful, but I loved Casper.
I walked back the way I’d come. I needed to think. I walked into the barn and sat down on a bale of straw. I suddenly felt very guilty for what I’d done, or rather, what I’d almost done. How could I even think of kissing another boy when I had Casper? What was wrong with me? I started crying, sobbing so loud I was afraid that Ethan would hear me outside. I cried for several moments more, and then realized that I was not alone. I looked up and saw Casper standing above me, looking down at me from the hayloft above. I looked into his eyes with great sorrow. He climbed down the ladder and stood before me.
“I’ve done something terrible,” I said. I had to be honest with him. I had to tell him what I’d done.
“No you haven’t.”
“You don’t know. I’ve done something horrible.”
“I do know, Brendan.” The tone of his voice made me look up. “I didn’t mean to spy, but I heard your voice, and looked down through the cracks. I saw you.”
“I’m so sorry.” I said and began crying anew.
“Brendan,” said Casper, taking my chin in his hand. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“But I almost kissed him.”
“But you didn’t.”
“But I…”
“Brendan, you did nothing wrong. I’m not blind. I know how attractive Ethan is. You think I wouldn’t notice a boy that gorgeous? It’s only natural to be attracted to a boy like that. It would have broken my heart if you kissed him, but you didn’t. You stopped yourself, because you love me. You didn’t do anything wrong. If anything, it proves how much you love me.”
I jumped up and hugged Casper tight. I cried onto his shoulder.
“I do love you, Casper, more than anything. You’re more beautiful to me than any boy in the world. I want to spend my life with you.” I hugged him so tight I nearly squeezed the breath out of him.
“I know, Brendan, and I feel the same about you. I love you so much it hurts sometimes.”
Our lips met and we kissed, passionately. We prolonged our kiss, making it last. I never wanted that moment to end. I’d been tested, and I’d passed. I had my chance at another boy, and an incredibly gorgeous one at that, but I’d been faithful to my Casper. Ethan had been faithful to Nathan too. I felt good about us both.
“I’m forgiven?” I asked when our lips finally parted.
“There’s nothing to forgive.”
We hugged again and kissed once more. I had the most wonderful boyfriend in the entire world.
* * * I talked to Ethan later that night and told him that Casper knew what had happened. Ethan said he’d told Nathan about it and all was cool between them. Nathan understood just like Casper. He understood Ethan’s attraction to me. He’d even commented on how hot he thought I was. That made me feel pretty good. It was a situation that could have been a disaster for us all, but Ethan and I were faithful to the ones that we loved, and they understood. What could have torn us apart brought us all closer together.
Nathan
Ethan, Brendan, Casper, and I all ran out of the doors of the school. The last day of the school year was over and we had all of summer before us. We hopped in the truck, calling and waving to friends. Ethan peeled out of the parking lot and headed for the farm. Brandon and Jon were close behind us in Brandon’s car. There would be no farm work that evening, it was time to celebrate.
It took us no time to get home. All of us were bursting with energy, so after a quick raid on the refrigerator, we headed outside for a game of three on three football. Brendan split us up. It was him, Jon, and Casper against Ethan, Brandon, and me. Ethan and Brendan were the quarterbacks, and the rest of us played all the other positions. We faced off. Ethan had the ball. Casper was right across from me. I was glad it was him and not Jon; because I knew Jon could send me flying. Ethan yelled “hike!”, although there was no one to really hike the ball. He plowed into Brendan. Casper charged me, trying to get to Ethan. We collided hard and he pushed me back. He was definitely getting stronger. Ethan used brute force to push his way past Brendan, but he didn’t make it very far. Brendan tackled him before he could get free and took him down.
We tried a pass next and that worked better. I caught the ball and made it several yards before Jon nailed me. I went down hard. I didn’t mind that, however. I hadn’t played much football, but it was sure fun. I could see why Brendan was so into it. I couldn’t imagine what it must be like to be the quarterback of a real team. It must’ve been awesome!
Later, Brendan had the ball. It was obvious that he was an experienced football player. He plowed right through Jon and would have made a touch down if Ethan and I hadn’t tackled him from both sides and taken him down. On the next play, Brendan passed to Casper. Man could that boy run. Not only that,
284 but he could change directions faster than anyone I’d ever seen in my life. Ethan grabbed for him and I thought Casper was a goner for sure, but he darted around Ethan so fast he was a blur. I went after him, but he outmaneuvered me without even trying. Jon tore after him at full speed, which was way fast because Jon is a soccer player. Even he couldn’t catch him. Casper moved like lightning. He scored the first touchdown of the game.
Dave joined our team when he got home. That made it four against three, but Dave was only nine and Brendan’s team had a clear advantage. Between Brendan’s football skill and Casper’s moves, they had us beat easy. Jon was no slouch either. I didn’t do too badly for our side, and Ethan and Brandon made some powerful blocks, and some great moves. Dave even did pretty well.
Jack and Ardelene came out and watched us for a little while. Jon almost knocked me down because I wasn’t paying attention. Jack was dressed in his good clothes, the ones he hardly ever wore. Seeing him dressed up was a bit of a shock. Ardelene was dressed nice too. She looked real pretty.
We took a short break for drinks and Jack ca
lled Ethan and me over. “Ardelene and I are going out for a while. Will you boys be okay?” “Sure we will, Uncle Jack,” said Ethan. “Where are you going?” “We have a few groceries to pick up, and then we thought we’d get something to eat and maybe catch a movie.”
Ethan and I exchanged a quick glance. I think the last movie Jack went to see was Gone With The Wind.
“You boys will be okay for supper?” asked Ardelene.
“Sure we will,” I said. “You two have fun.”
“Hey, Uncle Jack, you mind if Brandon and Jon stay over?”
“Of course not, just stay out of trouble.” Jack turned to Ardelene. “Well, we better get going if we’re going to catch that nine o’clock show. There may be a wait at the restaurant.”
Ethan and I stood there and watched them go. The others returned as Jack and Ardelene were leaving.
“Where they off to?” asked Casper.
“Dude, your grandma is going on a date with Uncle Jack,” I said.
“Ah, come on!”
“Dinner and a movie,” said Ethan. “Sounds like a date to me.”
Ethan and I had noticed that Jack went out of his way to be nice to Ardelene. There seemed to be something between them, but we weren’t quite sure what. We thought that maybe Jack was just glad to have someone his age
286 A Better Place around. He liked us boys, but I’m sure he wanted someone to talk to besides teenagers. It was becoming clear that there was more to it than that, however. He’d taken a real liking to Casper’s grandmother and she seemed to return his affection. It was still hard to believe though—Uncle Jack on a date!
We started in again and played for another hour or so. I had the best time ever. School was over, the whole summer was ahead of us, and I was surrounded by my friends. It was one of those times I wished could last forever.
As the sun began to fade, we all began to think about supper. We decided it was time for a cookout of sorts. Casper and I went out and set one of the big piles of brush on fire, Ethan and Jon went inside and gathered up hot dogs, buns, chips, cookies, drinks, and everything else they could lay their hands on. Brendan and Brandon busied themselves with setting up a makeshift table and chairs.
The fire roared so fiercely at first that no one could approach it, but it soon burned down enough that we could attempt to roast hot dogs. Brandon wasn’t very good at it at all. He said he’d only tried it once before, when he went on a trip with Mark and Taylor.
“I wish they could be here,” he said. “We had such a good time at Mark’s aunt’s place.” Ethan gave Brandon a little hug.
“They’re here,” said Jon. Brandon nodded.
“Here’s to you guys,” said Brandon, looking up into the sky. He took a big swig of soda.
I felt sorry for Brandon. Ethan had a tough time dealing with the loss of Mark and Taylor, but it hit Brandon harder than anyone. He was Mark’s best friend. I know Ethan had talked to him a lot about it. Sometimes Brandon drove out to the farm and he and Ethan walked out into the fields alone. Most of the time, I could tell that one, or the other, or both, had been crying when they came back. I think talking about their loss helped them both, though.
We started talking and joking around to get Brandon’s mind off things and he cheered up pretty soon. We all stood around roasting hot dogs and laughing. There was a mountain of food on the makeshift table. I took a seat on one of the logs serving as chairs and helped myself to some sour cream and onion chips and a bunch of chocolate chip cookies that Casper’s grandmother had made. I sure liked having her around. I liked her for a lot of reasons, but the cookies and cakes and pies she made were reason enough.
It’s a funny thing, but good times like that night don’t take long to tell about, and aren’t very interesting to hear about, while unpleasant times make for an interesting tale and take a good deal of telling. I enjoyed that night, however. It might not be much to hear about, but I had a great time.
We stayed up late, well past when Jack and Ardelene came home and that was nearly midnight. We finally all made our way to bed. Jon took the spare bedroom and Casper gave up his bed to Brandon. I knew Casper didn’t mind giving up his bed for the night, since that gave him an excuse to share with Brendan. It’s too bad they couldn’t sleep together every night like Ethan and me, but I understood why they couldn’t risk it. I don’t think they minded. Living under the same roof was enough for them.
Brendan
I knew Casper was crying even before he got close. I was driving the tractor, planting soybeans, when I saw him coming in the distance. I stopped, shut off the engine, and met him. He cried harder when he saw me. He couldn’t even speak for a few moments. When he settled down a bit, he looked at me. I didn’t know what it was, but I could tell it was bad, just from the look in his eyes.
“I overheard Grandma and Uncle Jack talking. They were saying how those social service people weren’t going to give Grandmother custody of me if I didn’t live with her.” He sobbed some more. “That means I’m going to have to move to Florida with her.”
My face fell. I wanted to be brave for Casper, but it was hard. We wouldn’t be able to live on the farm together like we’d planned. Casper would be moving away.
“I meant what I said. I’ll talk to Grandma. You can come and live with us. If she won’t let you, I’ll run away. We’ll run away together again.”
I was frightened. What if Ardelene wouldn’t let me live with them? I wasn’t looking forward to life on the run again. I’d been there, done that. I knew what it was like. It wasn’t a life. I knew in my heart that Casper and I couldn’t run away again. If his grandma wouldn’t let me live with them, I’d lose him. I’d try to follow, try to find a job and a place to live near him, but I knew the chances of succeeding weren’t good. I hugged Casper to me and cried. He couldn’t see me crying, but I’m sure he could feel my sobs.
It was nearly too dark to plant, so I put Casper on the back of the tractor and we drove to the barn. After pulling the tractor inside, we got off and walked to the farmhouse. When we arrived, Uncle Jack and Ardelene were sitting at the kitchen table talking. Nathan and Dave were in the living room watching television, and Ethan was upstairs somewhere.
288
“What’s wrong with you two?” asked Uncle Jack shortly after we entered. Casper looked at them guiltily.
“I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but I heard you talking about me,” said Casper.
Tears welled up in his eyes and I thought he was going to start crying again. He
kept from it somehow.
“I know Grandma can’t get custody of me unless I live with her. I love you,
Grandma, but I wanted to stay here, with Brendan and Ethan and Nathan and
Dave. I love you, but I don’t want to leave Grandma!”
Casper was getting frantic. Nathan and Dave came in from the living room
to see what was the matter.
“Casper, come here,” said Ardelene. She hugged him. He started crying. It
was all I could do to keep from crying too. Casper was really upset. So was I. It
felt like we were being ripped from each other—again.
“Calm down, boy, everything’s going to be okay,” said Uncle Jack. He
looked at Casper’s grandmother for a long moment. I could tell a silent communication was passing between them. “I guess we should go ahead and tell
them Ardelene.” She nodded.
“Ethan! Get down here!” called Uncle Jack. Ethan came running down the
stairs half dressed. He’d been in the shower. He practically fell down trying to
pull on his pants. In another situation, it would have been funny. “We weren’t planning on telling you boys quite so soon, but I guess it’s
best,” said Uncle Jack. He looked at Ardelene. “You go ahead.”
“Casper, what you overheard is true. Social services won’t give me custody
of you unless you live with me, but you don’t have to wo
rry, honey. You can
still live here. I’m not going back to Florida. Jack and I are getting married.” There was complete, stunned silence in the room. We all knew Jack and
Ardelene were getting on well. We all knew they were getting close. But none of
us had suspected this. We’d joked about it, but we never really thought it
would happen, not for a long, long time anyway.
“That will make you my grandfather,” said Casper looking at Jack. “And you
my um, um…some kind of relative,” he said, looking at Ethan. “I guess this means I get an aunt,” said Ethan.
Everyone started talking all at once. It was a big change in the Selby household. Some of us would be having new relatives and everyone’s life would be
changed. I smiled. I wasn’t gaining a new relative, but my worries about losing
Casper were over. Just when it looked like I was going to lose him, it became
certain that we could stay together forever. With Ardelene and Jack getting married, Ardelene would get custody of him. Jack might even adopt him. I somehow felt that I’d gained a family too. Everything was working out this
time around.
I looked over at Uncle Jack. He was actually smiling, a real smile, and a big
one. I’d never seen him smile like that. According to Ethan, he never smiled.
The closest he came was when the corners of his mouth turned up a bit and
the little wrinkles around his eyes crinkled.
* * * “I still can’t believe it,” said Casper.
“Who can?” I asked.
We were walking between newly planted cornfields, holding hands. It was
already dark, but the moon was bright and cast everything in a blue hue. Insects sang all around us, and frogs croaked in the distance. Other than that, there was not a sound to be heard. The Selby farm was peaceful. At that moment, I was content to stay there forever. I knew Casper and I would move on someday. Maybe we’d even get our own farm. But, for the next few years at least, we’d be staying right where we were, and I was happy about that.