Lizzie's List

by Melling, Diane

  The walk starts in Grasmere village and soon takes me along the road out of the village for quite some time until a path connects the road to the lake, where I then continue along the lakeside path towards the foot of Loughrigg Fell. Grasmere’s lake is still and calm, so that the mountains’ images are reflected in it like a mirror. For the first time in weeks, I start to feel at peace as I block out all of my sad and angry feelings, and I truly feel that dad is with me – as if he’s standing next to me admiring the reflection of the mountains in the water. It’s like I know what he would be thinking and feeling at this very moment. I am not sure if you can understand or if it sounds silly that my dad is with me, but if you’ve ever experienced the loss of a loved one, maybe you’ll understand what I mean.

  As I reach the end of the lake, I decide to take in the view, which I photograph on my phone and text to Kate. A bleeping indicates a message that Kate has sent, worrying about me, so I text to say I’m okay. More bleeps show that I have several messages from James, causing me to switch off my phone again, so I’m not tempted to listen. At some point I’ll need to face the truth with James, but right now I don’t want to be taken away from this moment with Dad.

  This appears to be a popular mountain to climb because I pass many people coming the opposite way, cheerily encouraging me on. Knowing that Dad would have loved this camaraderie between walkers, I smile properly for the first time in weeks. The ascent is fairly steep, but quick, and I am at the top in little over an hour. The views are simply fabulous, overlooking the lake and numerous surrounding mountains, which remain reflected in its stillness. This is the perfect spot for lunch and I know this is where Dad would open his egg and cress sandwiches, which I also brought for my lunch – being his favourite.

  Standing up, I take in the view one last time imprinting it on my memory, before heading back down. Being so high up, I feel a gentle breeze causing a fluttering in my hair and a tingling in my cheeks. If I had a mirror now, no doubt they’d be rosy with the cold. What would Dad think if he were here now – I need to remember this moment and how he might have felt up here. He would have said something about always appreciating the simple pleasures in life. He would look at this view and be overwhelmed by the simplicity of the beauty of nature not feeling the cold against his skin, loving the fact that it costs absolutely nothing.

  As I head back towards the lake, having descended back down the mountain, the afternoon sun has reached its peak and in another two hours it will be dusk. It will take another hour to get back, so I will have time to have a look around the shops in Grasmere village – perhaps buy a few gifts as a thank you for people who have been so good to me recently.

  Continuing towards a small wooded area alongside the lake, I see a fellow walker heading towards me, which seems strange because most people have headed in the opposite direction towards Grasmere. Lost in my thoughts I don’t pay much more attention until the figure stops right in front of me – it’s James!

  Notes to Self

  Note down Dad’s advice = Appreciate and get joy from natural beauty; it’s free and you have access to it no matter how much money you earn.

  Chapter 21

  Climbing mountains – finding peace

  Quickly striding towards me as if on a mission, yet looking tired and worried, James says, “Lizzie! Thank god you’re okay – why haven’t you returned my messages? I’ve called you so many times and I’ve been worried about you!” James now looks as if he is torn between two emotions, one being anger and the other relief, as he circles me like a predator contemplating what to do with its prey, whilst running his hands through his thick, curly hair.

  “Well you didn’t look too worried the last time I saw you!” I shout, desperately trying to hold back my tears, which have suddenly appeared after feeling so calm. The emotions I’ve locked away somewhere inside me since last night, surface and I feel angry with him for hurting me. Not wanting him near to me, with the returning memory of his caressing another woman’s face causing me pain, I stride past him towards the tree-lined path running along the edge of the lake.

  Within less than three strides, James has grabbed my arm determinedly preventing me from moving farther away, “And what’s that supposed to mean? Lizzie, I don’t understand why you’re upset with me – what have I done?” James asks with a slightly raised and confused tone to his voice. By now the area is deserted, as the remaining light is slowly starting to fade and most sensible walkers are on their way back towards home.

  “How did you know where to find me?” I ask, as it suddenly dawns on me that I haven’t told James where I was going and thinking that Kate must have let me down. “Did Kate tell you where I was?” I shake off his strong hand as it is making my skins burn from his touch even through my jacket, but this time with anger–not lust.

  “Yes she did. After you didn’t return any calls or reply to any texts, I went over to your flat and found it empty. I then called your mum to see if she knew anything and in the process, I disturbed her break away with her friends. In desperation, I called Mark, who didn’t know anything and is now wondering why you’ve disappeared, especially as you are so devastated over your dad. Finally I called Kate, and she told me you were upset and had come up here. I worked out exactly where you where from the photo you sent to her,” James explains, angrily animated in his movements, as he relays the story.

  “I can’t believe she told you where I was,” I say completely annoyed.

  “Lizzie, she was worried about you and I think relieved that I told her I intended to come up here and find you. She wanted to come herself, but with two cafes to run, whilst you’re away – you left her little option, but to tell me. Please can you just tell me what’s wrong–what have I done to upset you?” James asks as he steps towards me grasping my arms and searching my face for clues about my thoughts. He looks so sincere that my internal battle plays up again, but before I can allow him any positive space in my mind, I yank my arms away – I can’t look at him!

  “Just leave me alone James. I can’t deal with this right now,” I plead as I quickly stomp down the track to get some distance between us, but before I get far, he’s beside me again pinning me up against a tree with his arms either side of my body and his palms flat against the solid tree trunk being careful not to actually touch me in my obvious state of emotion. “Let me go, James!”

  “No Lizzie – I’m not letting you go until you tell me what exactly is wrong and what I have done to make you behave like this!” Tears start to build up, and my eyes are just about holding them in place – one brief blink will have them spilling down my face like rainwater down a window pane. “Please tell me what I’ve done to upset you,” James says quietly, softening as if his fight has gone now that he’s seen my genuine upset.

  I take a deep breath to collect my racing thoughts, deciding that I want the truth and I also want answers from him about what I saw last night. “Well I wanted to come up here...” That’s all I could say before the sobbing started – long gulping sobs – the ones where you have to take really deep breaths between. Feeling angry with myself for letting James see me cry, I don’t want him near me, but at the same time am torn and am desperate for his strong, loving embrace to comfort me. He is careful to keep some distance between us, but still has me trapped securely between his arms, whilst he patiently waits for me to calm down. I try to speak again, with my sentences punctuated by deep shuddering breaths: “I told you how my dad had never been to the Lakes and wanted to visit it one day... but never got the chance ... and then yesterday ... I realised that for the task on my list about visiting somewhere .... I needed to come here for Dad and for me to feel close to him. It’s kind of like I’m completing my own task, but also completing his wish too.”

  “Oh Lizzie, I wished you’d said and I could have come up here with you. You shouldn’t be here on your own. I could have helped you and I’d have given you space if you wanted to
be alone.” He says this with what seems to be genuine love in his eyes and I am close to falling into his arms, but need to know the truth from him about the woman, so I remain where I am.

  “I was going to tell you. I went to your house last night, but when I got to the living room window, I saw you with another woman!” As I say this, the pent up emotion from today’s thoughts and memories about Dad and my uncertainty over James, cause me to let out another howling sob. With it comes a huge string of snot that was accumulating in my nostrils makes itself present. James passes me a hankie, which makes me even more annoyed that I cannot even be angry with him, without him coming to my rescue. But at the same time I cannot refuse his offer and stand there with snot dripping down my face – I still have some dignity.

  “I’m still not getting this Lizzie. Yes I was with a woman – what’s wrong with that?” he asks looking perplexed, which is totally the wrong way for him to look right now. All tears quickly evaporate like water in a hot dessert and my now snot-free nostrils flare in disgust.

  “What’s wrong with you being with another woman? Are we in the same relationship–on the same planet even? I can’t believe you think it’s okay to caress another woman when you are supposed to love me!” I shout at him, thankful that we are totally alone, without any audience.

  “Caress? What do you mean caress? Now I’ve no idea what you are talking about.”

  “So you deny it then, that you caressed another woman’s face – you were embraced together and you were all over her, practically sucking her face off!” At this point, I am becoming slightly hysterical, until I see James face turn from confusion to a smug smile, causing my silence from the total shock that he has the audacity to smile about this.

  Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, he calmly, but angrily replies, “I was not sucking her face off, but yes I was hugging her and probably did at some point hold her face in a tender way. However, had you bothered to knock on the door or even ask me about her rather than jump to conclusions and run away here, I would have told you that the woman in question ... was my sister.” Slowly digesting this information, the feeling of anger is replaced by discomposure as reality sinks in and the knowledge that I mistrusted this man, who has dropped everything and driven for three hours to find me and check that I am okay. James in full stream continues, “In fact, had you bothered to open the door with your own key, that I gave you, so you could enter my home at any moment without warning, I would have gladly introduced you to her. Incidentally, she’s dying to meet you, having heard so much about you from me, especially when I have never told her so much about any of my previous girlfriends. I would have also explained that the reason I was comforting my sister in such a way, was that her idiot of a husband has been having an affair. Understandably, she is very upset and needed some comfort from her brother.”

  James pauses from his rant and looks directly into my eyes and I can see he is angry and hurt. “Lizzie I can’t believe that you thought I was cheating on you and that you obviously don’t trust me at all. You didn’t even give me the chance to know what I was supposed to have done or even speak to you on the phone – what does that say about us?” James’ tirade keeps me silent as I take in what he’s just said; any remaining anger has completely dripped away from my body and been replaced by shame from the realisation that I didn’t trust him or even give him a chance to explain.

  Staring at each other, both lost in our thoughts, unsure where to go or what to say next, I place my shaky hands on his firm chest and stare into his eyes, which look wounded, yet black with anger. I’ve never seen him so enraged before. His usually calm persona has disappeared. How could I believe he was cheating on me so easily, without giving him a chance to explain what was only an innocent incident. With that, he dropped everything and came to find me to make sure that I was okay. I search for the right words to use, but there is only one I can find. “Sorry – I’m really sorry,” I say as more sniffling sobs explode from me like a firework that won’t stop. It’s like this is unlocking unshed tears since dad’s death. He sighs deeply and I can only see the top of his head, with him still staring down at the floor as if trying to control his anger. My heart beats quickly as I await his response, unsure of what his next steps will be and afraid that I may well have blown it.

  After what seems like an hour, he lifts his head and slowly brings his eyes up to meet mine, whilst I try to read his thoughts. Hope lifts my spirits slightly as I notice some of the darkness in his eyes has gone and his expression, although intense, appears to show some love. Suddenly, he pulls me into his arms, leaving me feeling secure and loved – and perhaps a little unworthy of this right now.

  “What am I going to do with you Lizzie? I’m finding it difficult to be angry with you, but you don’t understand how worried about you I was. Don’t ever do that to me again – not being able to contact you drove me crazy – please don’t do that again,” he says as he gently rubs my back with one hand and softly strokes my hair with the other understanding that my emotions are all over the place since my dad’s death.

  “I’m sorry. I just saw you with another woman and the thought of it made me freak out. I wasn’t in the best frames of mind as it was, and then I felt like another man in my life had let me down after feeling like my dad let me down and ....” I break off as I admit something to James that I have been too ashamed to say before. “I know it’s unfair – Dad couldn’t help dying, but I didn’t want him to die so soon, and I feel let down by him. Do you think I’m a horrible person for feeling like that?” I ask seeking his approval.

  James’ hug tightens slightly and with another deep sigh, he replies, “No Lizzie – you’ve had a devastating shock and you’re grieving. I am sure there will be many different thoughts going through your head and feelings within your heart–they may change with time. You’re not horrible – you just loved your dad very much – that’s not horrible.” As he says this, I feel relieved at finally admitting this to somebody. Changing the subject, James continues, “Listen–I love you Lizzie and I’m certainly not going anywhere – except perhaps back to the hotel if you don’t mind. It’s freezing and starting to go dark.” I glance over his shoulder and notice the dimming light, slightly startled at how long we must have been here, yet feeling more secure in his arms than I have felt for some time.

  Eventually James breaks the hug and kisses me briefly on the lips before saying, “Come on, we’d best get back. Can I stay with you tonight at your hotel? I’ll go if you need space and see you back home, but I can stay if you want me to– I’ve sorted out cover for tomorrow at the centre.” We turn and walk along the remainder of the lakeside path, hand in hand.

  “Please stay with me tonight. Thanks for coming up here and I love you too, by the way.”

  “Oh–I know you do! And the first thing we’re doing tomorrow morning – well may be the second thing, if you’re up for making mad passionate love first – is buy you some proper walking boots. Lizzie I can’t believe you actually climbed a mountain in those red wellies – no wonder Kate was worried about you. Not only is that incredibly dangerous ....” I stopped listening to his outdoor instructor safety spiel by his second sentence. Having now calmed down, I think myself lucky to have this man in my life. Smiling to myself, I allow him continue droning on about the importance of grip and ankle support – or something like that anyway.

  Notes to Self

  Start to carry tissues, especially as I am quite emotional at the moment. I do not want to repeat my snot incident. James must really, really love me!

  Try not to jump to conclusions in future.

  Don’t wear red wellies for mountaineering or risk another very, very long lecture of appropriate footwear for.

  Chapter 22

  Hand-made soaps and walking boots

  As we return along the road towards the village, dusk has descended upon us, so James utters more and more safety advice whi
ch I mostly ignore, even when he produces a torch for me. I’d not even thought about anything like that. “Considering you’re a man who does dangerous activities most days for his living and for fun, you’re making a big fuss about walking down a road in the dark.” I tease him and am then suddenly pushed against a nearby fence as he kisses me deeply and quickly, before being launched back onto the road again, marching in army style. I’d have happily continued our activities at the fence, but darkness, fast cars, safety – yeah, yeah – we must get back.

  “The activities at the centre are much safer than this Lizzie – we have harnesses and safety equipment – everything is controlled. I have no control over the speed of the cars on this busy road, without a pavement and rapidly darkening night. We need to get back fast!” he answers with a fairly urgent tone.

  “So that we’re safe again?” I question.

  “Well yes, but if I’m honest that kiss has got me gagging for you – I was hoping we might make use of that huge hotel bed.”

  “How do you know it’s a huge bed?” I ask.

  “You’ll see,” he replies, whilst he marches me on.

  On arriving back at the hotel, slightly exhausted from both the exercise and emotion, we head up to our room after James has visited the reception desk. “James you’re going the wrong way, the room is down here,” I explain.

  “Actually Lizzie, I upgraded us – come on.” When on earth has he had time to upgrade us? I am wracking my brain to understand how he had time to do this, but rather than spoil the moment, I just follow. On entering the room, I take in the wine and chocolates waiting on the bed (which incidentally, is huge), I realise he has paid a visit to it before meeting me. “I wasn’t sure how I’d upset you or how by much – so I didn’t take any chances,” he says as he gestures to the wine. “Fancy a nice hot bath?”