I try to join in, but I can't. I don't remember what my laughter sounds like. I push these thoughts aside, trying to gain the courage to listen and take notice of everything Rose is showing me, as if this is the first time I've sat behind the wheel of a car.
She points to the steering wheel. 'Ten and two o'clock.'
I look at her, as if she's crazy.
She takes my hands in hers, positioning them on the steering wheel. 'Mirror, signal, manoeuvre.' She points to the foot well. 'Clutch, brake, accelerator. Go.'
I'm not a bad driver, as it turns out. I suppose it is like riding a bike, or swimming. You never forget.
By the time we cross through Henbury, with its acres of fields, I've mastered it. She gives me thumbs up, a huge grin spreading across her face. I park the car up alongside a small, terraced house, several roads away from her and Jared's new home.
'See it wasn't so bad, was it?'
'What will I tell Joel?'
'I don't know why you can't just tell him you've been re-learning to drive. What's the big deal? He'll be pleased he won't have to drive you everywhere anymore.'
'I can't tell him.'
'Why not? What's the big secret? You've been a bore since you had Lily, no offence. You rarely leave the house. Has he got you tied to the kitchen sink, or something?'
'No.' I drop my voice, realising I've answered her too quickly.
I gaze through the misted glass at the lush green fields, trying to remember the last time I took Lily to the park. Rose pushes a button, and the condensation building up on the inside of the windscreen begins to dissipate.
'He's a good man. It's just that, he's very—'
'Temperamental, egotistical, misogynistic?'
I shake my head. 'I was going to say sensitive.'
'And critical,' she chimes in.
I don't reply.
'Erica, you don't have to stand for that. If he's getting you down…if he's anything like Matt—'
'No. He's nothing like Matt.'
Matt never hit me, and Joel is much too controlled to allow his temper to be witnessed by anyone.
'Then, what is it?' she says.
I've never been able to lie to Rose, but now it seems to come easily.
'I want to surprise him. I've booked a road trip.'
Even as I say these words, I know they're not true. It's pointless to even imagine anything but his crushing words, when he discovers he's got yet more reasons not to trust me. One more thing I've kept from him. Driving will be one more useless attempt at getting back something of me, only for him to rip it away again. He'll probably burn my licence, or refuse for me to own a car of my own, then promise me I can borrow his, but never get around to adding me on his insurance. He wants to keep me all to himself. I used to think his possessive streak was charming, but now, I see it for what it is. He wants to control everything I do, say, think, or feel. He doesn't care about me. He never did.
'Joel loves you,' Rose says, not realising she is only rehearsing the words I've been telling her myself for the past four years.
'I know,' I say, swallowing hard bile lodging itself in my stomach at the thought of what Joel's love actually entails.
'Come on, let's hurry back. He'll wonder where I've got to. Not a word, though, yeah?'
'I don't understand you two. Jared and I are open with one another. We tell each other everything. I can't see why you have to hide this from him.'
'Please, don't tell him.'
'Whatever,' she says, as I step out of the car to swap places with her.
'I mean it, not a word.'
She motions closing a zip along her mouth with her fingers. But, I can see the curiosity on her face at my choice of words. If only she knew what I was keeping from her.
I return to the house, having left Lily dozing on Rose's sofa, the street is cloaked in darkness. I twist the key in the lock, and let myself in. Switching on the light, I let out a yelp, when I see Joel in the blackened hall waiting for me.
'You shouldn't be out so late. It's not safe,' he says.
I'm not scared of the dark, or of being attacked by a stranger. These things seem less likely than any other fear I've ever had. Because it isn't the unknown you should be frightened of. Sometimes, the people closest to you are the ones hiding the darkest secrets.
I shudder, as I pass him in the hall. I tell myself he can't possibly know I've been taking driving lessons with Rose, or I was planning to ply him with alcohol to make my escape the moment he passed out.
'Lily is staying the night with Rose and Jared.'
I see a slight smile creep across his vile lips at the thought of having me all to himself tonight.
Upstairs, in the bedroom, I draw the cord of the blind down, attaching it to the small hook centred on the window frame, shutting out the orange glow of the streetlight outside. I swallow hard, forcing back the memory of Joel using that very cord to bind my wrists together not so long ago.
A small slither of white light flits across the room through the slats in the blind, as I edge closer to the bedside cabinet to remove my watch. Car headlights. I glance down at the road through a gap, watching as the car cruises down the street, beyond the high iron gates until it turns, rounding the corner, before it disappears from view. I wonder if the driver is a man returning home to terrorise his wife.
I shake the thoughts from my mind, trying to keep my composure respectable, as always. Pretending the life I am living is normal, knowing it is anything but.
As I pull the nightdress away from the wicker chair, I spot Joel's laptop left on the seat. He never leaves it lying around, so I instantly tell myself its conspicuous presence is a test. Joel wants me to slip up, and sneak a look at his private files.
As I glance up, I catch sight of my reflection in the mirror. I replace the beaded silk scarf, he must have removed. I pull the silk nightdress over my head, trying to ignore the butterflies swirling and fluttering around in my stomach. I distract myself from the inner voice, which tells me to walk over to the laptop, and log on to see what takes my husband away from me every night, and into his quiet study, where he locks the door behind him. But, I can't betray him, no matter how much I'd like to. I can't risk it.
Ever since we returned from our honeymoon, I've wondered if there was something disturbing in his past making him lack the emotion others seem capable of displaying without force, or if some secret compulsion forces him to behave the way he does. But, I've never had the courage to begin searching for it, terrified of what I might find.
As my head hits the pillow, I close my eyes to sleep, dragging the duvet up over my head to block out the darkness, but the moment Joel's footsteps reach the other side of the bedroom door, my eyes snap open.
Joel
She likes to act the martyr. The victim. Erica plays the role so well, I almost believe her myself. She stands at the foot of the bed, with a knife in her hand. I've no idea where she got it, because I thought they were all locked away. In fact, the kitchen only contains the plastic knives, forks, and spoons I bought the first time she cut herself, to avoid this kind of situation from ever happening. But, this time, it's me she wants to hurt.
'Put the knife down, Erica.'
She shakes her head. 'You're not getting to my daughter. I won't let you. She's all I have.'
'What are you talking about?'
Perhaps she needs to be sectioned this time. She's not making any sense. I take another step toward her, but she jumps back in fright, and hits her head on the wall.
'No, Joel. Please, don't.'
'Don't what?'
'Don't hurt me, baby, I love you. Please, don't hurt me. Not again.'
'Put the fucking knife down!'
Her eyes are glazed over. It isn't until I'm standing four feet from her she hurries to the other side of the bed, furthest from the door.
'I'm not going to hurt you.'
'I don't believe you,' she whispers.
'Erica, I don't understand.'
'You want my daughter. You're going to take her away from me. But, I'm not going to let you. I won't let you . . . do that to her.'
'Do what? What is it you think I'm capable of?'
'I know what you're capable of.'
'Erica, we're just going around in circles. You need to put that knife down. Sit down, and tell me what's going on.'
She looks at the bed, and shakes her head, tears streaming down her face. 'I can't.'
'Why not?'
My patience is wearing thin. I've no idea what she's talking about. She must know there is something very wrong here. It isn't normal to crush yourself against a wall, with a knife on your husband. I've dealt with challenging clients, so I know she has no intention of killing me. It's a reaction to panic, but I can't see what is making her so frightened. I sit down on the bed, but she flinches, as the mattress moves down with my weight.
'What's the matter?'
'Chris—'
'I don't intend on going over all that again.'
'What he said…'
'What he said was rubbish. You know that. He's obsessed with me. Has been since—'
'Since she died.'
'Right.'
'But, she didn't die, though, did she?'
'Erica.'
'I won't let you get away with it.'
'With what?'
'You killed her.'
'Don't be so stupid.'
'I found things on your computer.'
Shit. 'Erica, I don't have time for this.'
'You seem to have plenty of time for that.'
'I have no idea what you're talking about.'
I see contempt burning through her eyes. As I take a step, she drops the knife in fright.
'Erica, we need to talk about this.'
'Yes. Yes, we do, because I can't . . . I can't do this anymore.'
'Do what?'
'I can't lie for you. I won't do that.'
'I'm not asking you to lie for me, but tell me what the fuck you were doing going through my things?'
She wears guilt on her face. Fleeting though it is, I know we can't go back from this now. I have to tell her something.
'I have private files for my clients on that laptop. You shouldn't be snooping around on there.'
Erica's face scrunches up in confusion. 'They're not yours?'
'No.'
'I'm sorry, Joel.'
You will be.
PRESENT
ERICA
My dad calls me into the living room, after I've settled Lily down to sleep. She's had a lot to take in, and she's been tired and grizzly for most of the day. It's not surprising, really, as I've had to tell her that her father, the man she's known all her life, is in heaven. Another lie, because surely men like him belong in hell.
'There,' he says, pointing to the television screen.
I glance at the television screen, and see the detective, who had interviewed me, outside the coroner's court. I snatch the remote away from his hand, and turn up the volume to hear DC Judd's appeal.
'Joel Heath's death has been ruled as accidental, but police still wish to speak to Mrs. Heath, in relation to a separate investigation…'
My finger automatically presses down on the remote control, and the screen goes blank.
'What are they talking about; why do they need to speak to you?'
'I've no idea, Dad,' I say, unable to keep the guilt from my face.
I leave the room, and find myself standing on the patio in the back garden. The spring buds are beginning to unfurl themselves from the endless potted plants adorning the path, which leads from the back door and down to the garage, where I spot his Astra.
'Can you look after Lily?' I step back inside the house, where the small kitchen looks out across the lawn.
'Sure,' he says.
'I have to drive back to Bristol. There's something I must do.'
He passes me the keys to Rose's car I left on the coffee table, without asking what is taking me away from him and my daughter so late in the evening. If he asked, I wouldn't be able to trust myself not to tell him the truth. If I hadn't slept so late, basking in the calm atmosphere of my father’s home, I would've seen the news earlier. I could have driven to Bristol and back again by now. Instead, I'm going to have to drive alone in the early evening darkness. Something I haven't done in years.
I leave Berkshire, just as the sun begins to set on the horizon, covering the fields in a dusky hue. I stare at the road ahead, running on automatic pilot to my destination. The drive is quick and silent, and before I realise it, I've made the one-hundred-mile-long journey into the centre of Bristol. I manoeuvre the car into a spot beside a white Corsa, and step out onto the forecourt of the police station, my hands shaking, as I prise them away from the steering wheel.
Inside the reception area, I wait for DC Judd, and in less than a minute, the detective appears beside me, ushering me into an interview room down a spacious corridor.
I'm sitting opposite her, with my eyes on the door.
'You wanted to speak to me?'
'We couldn't get hold of you.'
'I'm staying with my dad. I had nowhere else to go, considering you won't let me return to the house.'
'We wanted to ask you a few questions.'
I motion for her to go ahead.
'Whenever an unexpected death comes to our attention, we have a duty to investigate whether the death was unnatural or accidental. As we were unable to contact you, we were able to acquire information which suggested your name is not listed on the deeds of your husband's property. We, therefore, did not require permission to request a warrant to search the premises in Abbots Leigh.'
'I'm not following you.'
'During our inquiries, we discovered your husband had been involved in a police investigation some time ago. The senior officer investigating your husband's death was involved in the case.'
I shake my head. I had hoped Joel appeared as squeaky clean as he liked everyone to believe.
'Are you aware your husband was a member of an elite online forum?'
I hold my hands together to still them, and try to remain calm, but I know in which direction this conversation is going. I'm not sure I can sit here and listen.
'What did the investigation concern?'
'We took your husband's laptop, and found some rather disturbing images on it.'
I can feel heat begin to creep up my face. I force back the vomit sitting in my throat to keep a steady composure, but it's difficult, because all I can see are the images I found on his laptop, a month ago.
'Do you know anything about it?' she says, leaning forward, and placing one hand palm down on the shiny desk. She reaches up to tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear.
'What kind of images?'
'Not the kind we'd expect to see on the computer of a lawyer, Mrs. Heath.'
'I'm sorry. I have no idea what you're insinuating.'
'You have a daughter.'
'Lily.'
'Has your husband ever expressed an unhealthy interest in Lily?'
'Are you trying to suggest that…?’
My words hang in the air, as I realise there must be something I've missed. Joel's obsession must have gone much further than I dared to consider. It takes me a while to focus my attention back to the room, and to DC Judd, who waits eagerly for me to say something. Is she expecting me to confess my knowledge of his filthy hobby, or does she suspect I was an accomplice, allowing him to continue his vile photo-swapping service?
'My daughter has never come to any harm. He loved her. He loved us both. He would never hurt Lily. Never.'
'I'm not suggesting he did. But, it appears he enjoyed the idea of hurting women.'
Flashes of images flit across my eyes at the memory of what I saw on that laptop, the day I decided to discover just what it was keeping Joel away from me each night. I tug them to the back of my mind, as I try to understand how DC Judd could possibly know about those images. I deleted them. All of them
. For this very reason.
'What exactly did you find?'
I know she can't possibly have seen the things which have burnt their imprint on my retinas.
'There were thousands of files on your husband's computer, Mrs. Heath. All of them were deleted the night before he died.'
'What kind of files? What are you talking about?'
'Porn.'
I shake my head.
'The women didn't seem to be enjoying it,' she says, for effect.
'My husband wouldn't hurt a hair on anyone's head.'
'We have a report made by Sophie Anderson. A colleague of your husband’s. She made a rather serious allegation, but refused to make a statement to the police, before leaving her very well paid job at his law firm, where he became a partner shortly afterwards. Do you know anything about this, Mrs. Heath?'
I wouldn't have come here, if I did. They've tricked me.
'I've never heard of her. What has this got to do with my husband?'
'Your husband might be able to make things go away, things reported to his partner, Roger King, but any report made to the police is filed, and stored as potential future evidence.'
'Evidence of what?'
I'm angry now. Livid, in fact. How dare this woman try to tarnish what we shared together? I covered every angle I could think of, to ensure this wouldn't happen. This information will destroy my credibility, should any of the reporters covering his death get so much as a whiff Joel was anything but the perfect husband, father, and lawyer.
'Sexual assault,' she repeats, having realised I've zoned out.
'No.'
'Mrs. Heath, did you know about those images?'
'No.'
I close my eyes for just a few seconds to gather my thoughts, but when I open them, her lips are still moving, and she is staring at me.
'Are you saying…?’
'Sophie refused to make a statement, so none of this can be used in a court of law. Especially now your husband has died,' she says.
'So, it might not even be true.'
Beautiful Liar Page 19