by Jodi Taylor
‘Mrs Checkland, please tell me what has occurred. Why did you steal someone’s car?’ she asked.
I panicked. ‘I’b doe ... dorry. Ad I habunt even ... god a licence for you do dake away. Plees don’ let theb sed me do ... priddun. I won’ dow whad do do and I’b worried ... subone will make me dare bij.’
There was a long silence.
‘Bij?’ said Sgt Bates.
‘Bitch,’ said Russell, enlightened.
She altered her stance slightly to face him.
‘She’s worried about becoming someone’s bitch,’ he added hastily. ‘I wouldn’t worry too much, Jenny. I honestly don’t think anyone in prison would fancy you – you’re really not bitch material, you know.’
There was another long silence. Even the doctor stared at him.
‘He’s an idiot,’ said Andrew, at last. ‘Ignore him, Jenny. You’d make a wonderful bitch.’
I tried to smile at him. ‘Thag you, Andrew.’
‘Stop that,’ said Russell. ‘Sorry, Jenny. What I meant to say was that I’m sure you could be any number of people’s bitch if you really wanted to be.’
‘Thag you,’ I said.
‘Mrs Checkland, could you just tell me what has occurred, please.’
‘She just never gives up, does she?’ said Thomas.
Sgt Bates had been the captain of the hockey team at Rushford St Winifred’s and they’d never suffered a single defeat in the whole time. Apparently, they still talk of her in hushed tones of respect and she has her own special plaque in the gym.
I looked at Tanya. What could I say without revealing we’d covered up Christopher’s arson? Which probably made us as guilty as he was.
‘Mrs Checkland will not strain herself at this moment,’ she said calmly. You will be aware that, for her, even normally the talking is very difficult. It is obvious she has incurred some minor facial injuries which make it painful for her to speak. She will speak tomorrow.’
Yes, tomorrow – when we’d all had a chance to get our stories straight.
‘And,’ said Thomas, ‘when Christopher has had the chance to get his sorry arse out the country again.’
‘Language,’ I said. ‘Although you’re right.’ I remembered him roaring past us in Rushford High Street. ‘If he has any sense he’s just kept going. We won’t see Christopher again.’
The voice said, ‘You can’t go in there, mate.’
The curtains scraped back again and there stood Christopher.
Francesca turned as white as her frock. Daniel put his arm around her waist and whispered something. My guess was that he was telling her to keep quiet.
I scrambled off the bed and looked for something to defend myself with.
‘I really wouldn’t bother,’ said Thomas. ‘I think Russell will have that more than covered.’
We all gawped at Christopher. For several reasons.
Firstly – the state of him. He was bleeding from a number of facial wounds. Blood was running freely down his face.
Secondly – he was in handcuffs. Which I had no problem with at all.
Thirdly – he was accompanied by Bill the Insurance Man, who held him firmly by one arm. Whether to restrain or support him was unclear.
I wouldn’t have believed it possible, but someone actually seemed to be having a worse evening than me.
Sgt Bates elbowed her way through the by now quite sizeable crowd around my cubicle. ‘Mr Kingdom, I believe.’
He swayed. ‘Keep them off. Keep them away.’
Everyone looked at Russell who said, ‘Why are you all looking at me? I never touched him. I’ve been here the whole time. As Sgt Bates here can testify.’
We all looked at Sgt Bates who ignored us, correctly identified Bill the Insurance Man as the most intelligent among us, and said, ‘Mr Wayland?’
‘Wayland,’ I said to Thomas. ‘His name’s Wayland.’
‘I found him at Frogmorton.’
‘William Wayland. That’s a nice name.’
‘What did you do to him?’ said Russell in admiration. ‘Can you show me?’
‘I didn’t do anything. He was like that when I found him.’
‘So she’d be Lizzie Wayland.’
‘Where did you find him?’
‘Reeling around your yard with half a dozen chickens attached to his face. It was really very similar to that scene in Alien.’
‘But why?’
‘Patagodiad Attack Chicked,’ I said before I could stop myself.
‘Yes, I don’t believe this is quite the right moment to bring that up, Jenny.’
Sgt Bates wheeled. ‘You have Patagonian Attack Chickens?’
‘Only id Ruddel’d head,’ I said, trying to make amends. ‘They’re perfectly norbal chicked, really.’
We all looked at the severely beaked Christopher.
The voice said, ‘Look, you really can’t go in...’ and Mrs Balasana told him not to be so silly.
She and Mrs Crisp were clutching enormous plastic cups of take-out coffee. I suspected this was a first for both of them.
‘Bill,’ cried Mrs Crisp, obviously delighted to see him.
He smiled at her. ‘Good evening, Lizzie.’
Russell bristled. ‘Why exactly are you here?’
He stopped smiling at Mrs Crisp and turned back to Russell. ‘I’ve brought Mr Kingdom in for treatment.’
The doctor elbowed his way through the throng. ‘Good heavens, what happened to him?’
‘Patagonian Attack Chickens,’ said Russell proudly. ‘Extra rations tomorrow for the ladies.’
Mrs Balasana blinked at him. ‘Are you seriously telling me that those ... your chickens...?’
‘It would appear so,’ said Russell. ‘Believe me, no one is more surprised than me.’
I slipped down off the bed to make room for the latest casualty and went to stand in the shelter of Russell’s arm. He kissed me very carefully and grinned. ‘That’s going to sting in the morning.’
‘But why?’ said Andrew.
‘Always does,’ said Russell. ‘Always hurts more the next day.’
‘No, stupid. Christopher.’
‘Chickens can be very aggressive. You should know that. You’re supposed to be a vet. I’m sure I remember you going off to college.’
‘Not the chickens, cloth head. Why is Christopher in handcuffs?’
‘Why not?’ murmured Russell.
Bill sighed. ‘I’ve been after him since the arson.’
‘What arson?’
‘That boy has the memory span of a bucket.’
‘Your feed store? Remember?’
‘Never mind all that,’ said Russell, dismissing everything else as irrelevant in the scheme of things. He stared suspiciously at Bill. ‘Are you a spy?’
‘Of course not.’
‘Then why do you own handcuffs?’
‘They’re not mine,’ said Bill indignantly.
All eyes swivelled to Mrs Crisp who turned a stunning shade of scarlet. ‘They’re certainly not mine.’
‘They belong to the company,’ explained Bill.
‘What company?.’
‘The insurance company, of course.’
‘What ins...?’
‘I take back everything I’ve ever said about insurance companies,’ murmured Thomas. ‘They’re obviously a lot more fun than anyone has ever given them credit for.’
‘The one investigating the fire at Frogmorton. The one I work for.’
‘Really,’ said Russell nastily, ‘because I’d rather got the impression you’d been investigating Mrs Crisp.’
‘No, I’m investigating the fire and I’m in love with Mrs Crisp.’
‘What?’ said Mrs Crisp, startled.
‘So that’s why you haven’t paid the claim,’ said Russell, getting his priorities wrong.
‘Never mind that,’ said Mrs Crisp, elbowing him aside. ‘What did you say?’
‘I said I was investigating the fire.’
Russell e
lbowed his way back again. ‘By seducing Mrs Crisp?’
‘What? No. Of course not.’
‘No,’ said Mrs Crisp, and I thought I detected a faint note of regret.
‘So what’s all this business with shooting off twice a week clutching big brown envelopes?’
They looked at each other.
‘It’s nothing,’ said Mrs Crisp hastily.
‘Lizzie...’
‘No, I mean it, Bill. It’s nothing. Let it go.’
Russell glared at Bill. ‘What about you? Are you telling me it’s nothing?’
‘I’m not telling you anything at all,’ said Bill, calmly. ‘It’s all up to Lizzie.’
Who shook her head and remained silent.
Sgt Bates cleared her throat, presumably to get us all back on track again.
‘You can’t prove anything,’ said Christopher, wincing under the doctor’s probing.
‘Don’t have to,’ said Bill. ‘The silly juggins was going to have another go. Car full of petrol cans, firelighters and matches.’
I thought of Marilyn, Jack and Boxer locked in the stables, unable to escape. The cat trapped in the house. Our home burning to the ground. Beside me, Russell tensed, but before he could take any action, the voice said, in the tones of one who has given up, ‘Down the corridor and to the left, mate.’ The crowd parted and Uncle Richard entered the cubicle.
I moved closer to Russell.
‘Yes,’ said Thomas. ‘You might want to keep a tight grip on him.’
Francesca obviously thought the same thing about Daniel.
Uncle Richard looked the epitome of respectability. Everyone’s idea of the kindly, slightly shabby, country solicitor. He blinked in the bright lights and peered amiably over his spectacles. Even his voice was pleasant.
‘Good evening, everyone. Sgt Bates, how nice to see you again. Mr Christopher Kingdom is my client. He will say nothing.’
His gaze swept over me without expression. You’d never believe he’d presided over my kidnapping and then tried to run me off the road. Actually, if I hadn’t actually been there, I wouldn’t have believed it, either.
‘Nothing will be said. My son does not admit to the kidnapping. It’s simply a joke that went too far. He is very sorry for the damage he has done tonight. I am confident that when the true story of the events emerges, it will be apparent that the whole thing is the result of poor judgement and high spirits.’
‘Kidnapping?’ said Sgt Bates. And everything went very quiet.
Chapter Nineteen
Uncle Richard said, ‘Jenny, I am instructing you to say nothing. You should leave this to me to sort out.’ He turned to Sgt Bates. ‘I’m sure you know that my niece is sometimes ... well, a little slow to grasp things, and I think it’s apparent to all of us that somehow she’s got hold of the wrong end of the stick. Obviously I acquit her of making malicious accusations – it’s simply that she doesn’t understand what’s going on a lot of the time. I think perhaps the best thing to do would be to send her home – and her dangerously unstable husband as well, because heaven knows what he’s taught her to say – while you and I sort this out between us.’
I tensed. If Russell thumped Uncle Richard now, then we’d all be in trouble. I think the same thought had occurred to Andrew. I was certain Uncle Richard was doing his best to provoke Russell into discrediting himself.
Russell, however, merely grinned at him and said, amiably, ‘I’m so sorry, do please keep talking. I always yawn when I’m fascinated.’
Uncle Richard drew himself up. ‘As I was saying, Sergeant, I think a brief, private conversation will be enough to straighten this out. My niece has simply been the victim of a prank that went too far. I’m sure you know how young people can be. My client apologises unreservedly for any inconvenience caused and will be happy to make restitution where appropriate. Looking at the state of Mr Kingdom, he’s certainly appears more sinned against than sinning, don’t you think? I’m sure you will agree that the simplest and most sensible solution will be for me to remove him – as soon as the good doctor here has finished with him, of course – and we’ll all say no more about it.’
I was happy to see the good doctor cast him a very nasty look, but before he could say anything, Russell was off again.
‘Do you know, Andrew and I could never decide whether you or your baboon-buggering son were the most unpleasant excrescences in the Kingdom family, but I think today you’ve finally settled that argument. So grateful.’
Christopher snarled. Russell regarded him with great interest. ‘Go on then, Christopher. Surprise us all. Say something intelligent.’
‘Hold your tongue,’ snapped Uncle Richard, although to which of them he was speaking wasn’t clear.
Russell sighed. ‘I think we can all agree this has gone on long enough. As a responsible householder and council-tax payer,’ his eyes misted slightly as he tried to remember whether he’d paid this year’s demand, ‘I advocate complete disclosure. So full steam ahead, Jenny, and damn the torpedoes.’
All eyes turned to me. Tanya nodded.
I took a very deep breath. ‘Chidopher and Uncle Ridard kidnapped me ad thredeaned to spray perfume id by ... baby’d eyed unled I signed a ... contrack ... gibbing dem back da bookshop.’
‘Very succinctly put,’ said Thomas. ‘Well done, Jenny.’
No one saw Russell move, but suddenly he was right up in Christopher’s face, which went slack with fear.
I saw both Daniel and Andrew tense, ready to intervene. Sgt Bates placed a restraining hand on his arm.
Russell smiled, and it wasn’t a nice smile. I hadn’t seen that look in a long time. He groped in his jeans pocket for an old business card.
‘You’ll need to apply for bail, Christopher. Here’s my number. Ring me and I’ll post as much as you need. And then, when you’re back on the street, we can have a chat about people who threaten to blind little babies.’
I shivered. Thomas moved closer.
Sgt Bates increased the pressure on Russell’s arm and after a very, very long pause, he stepped back. I breathed a sigh of relief.
‘There is no question of bail,’ said Uncle Richard, ‘because he hasn’t...’
‘That is correct,’ said Sgt Bates. ‘There is absolutely no question of bail at this stage. Mrs Checkland, you will, health permitting, present yourself at the station tomorrow. I’m sure Miss Bauer will wish to accompany you. She usually does,’ she added meaningfully.
‘This is ridiculous,’ said Uncle Richard. ‘I cannot believe you are paying any heed to these preposterous allegations, Sergeant. I wonder if would be easier if I had a word with your Chief Constable about this.’
‘As you wish, sir. You can do it from the station.’
‘What? This is ridiculous. This stupid girl is simply parroting the lies her husband has taught her to say.’
No, she wasn’t. I focussed on the yellow of her police vest. ‘Da conrack.’
She turned. ‘I beg your pardon.’
‘Oh my God,’ said Russell. ‘Of course. The contract. I bet neither of these idiots has had the sense to destroy it.’
Christopher made a sudden movement.
‘Stand still.’
Richard’s voice cracked like a whip, but the damage was done. Everyone in A&E – and there did seem to be a lot of us – now knew that Christopher had the contract in his top pocket.
Russell smiled down at me. ‘Let’s see them explain that away.’
Sgt Bates raised her voice slightly. ‘Both Mr Kingdoms will be good enough to accompany me to the station, please.’
And as if by magic, Russell and Andrew parted like the Red Sea and two enormous constables, even bulkier in their vests, loomed over everyone.
‘Impressive,’ said Thomas. ‘I wonder how she did that.’
‘Mr Wayland, I’d like a statement from you, too, please.’
‘Can you give me half an hour please?’ said Bill politely. ‘I’d like to ask this lady to marry me.
’
We were in A&E on a busy weeknight and yet there was complete silence.
Even Russell, king of the conversational bomb, seemed thunderstruck. That would be only be very temporary.
‘Yed,’ I said, taking advantage of this rare moment and keen to get him away from the danger zone. ‘Ad it’d ... afder dark tho we... need to get da chicked do bed.’
Russell allowed himself to be distracted. ‘Yes, you’re right, Jenny. And what’s the betting bloody Francesca’s up on the roof again.’
The universe ground to a halt. Everything stopped. Everywhere.
‘Uh-oh,’ said Thomas.
Her voice reverberated around Rushford. ‘YOU NAMED YOUR CHICKEN FRANCESCA?’
‘Only one of them,’ said Russell, as if that was a matter for congratulations.
‘Which one?’
‘The pretty one,’ he said, his instinct for self-preservation kicking in thirty years too late.
Daniel snorted.
‘Language.’
‘Never mind all that,’ said Mrs Crisp, ruthlessly elbowing aside this irrelevant conversation in a manner which even Francesca herself could never have achieved. ‘What did you just say?’
‘I said I wanted to ask you to marry me, Lizzie.’
‘Have you noticed the doctor has stopped asking people to leave? I wonder if they’ve thought to charge admission. The NHS is broke, you know.’
‘Have you noticed the number of people listening to us? I’m never going to be able to walk down the high street again.’
‘Well, at least you’ll have the option – unlike your ghastly relatives.’
True.
‘Well, Lizzie? What do you say?’
There were tears in her eyes. Clutching at her handbag, she said, ‘Bill, I can’t marry you. Or that other thing. Look at what’s happened this evening. I can’t leave Russell. You must see that he needs me.’
‘What other thing?’ said Russell.
She blew her nose. ‘We were...’ She ground to a halt.
‘What?’ demanded Russell. ‘What’s going on?’
Bill said quietly, ‘Lizzie is considering starting up her old catering business. We’ve been looking for suitable premises.’