by Jacob Chance
Anger washes over me. I pull my shoulders back and stand straighter. Squeezing my eyes shut, I knock on his door. My eyes pop open at the first sounds of the lock being undone. I feel like I’m going to throw up.
Zack opens the door, his brow furrowed. “Lana, what’s wrong? Are you sick, angel?”
I shake my head. Speaking at this moment is impossible. I push past him and he closes the door.
“What’s wrong?” he asks looking concerned.
“I know,” I spit out.
“You know what?” he asks.
Oh, he’s good. He doesn’t even seem shaken.
“I know who you are Zachary Weston,” I shout, tears falling down my cheeks.
He steps forward his hand outstretched toward me. “Lana, I.”
“Don’t Lana me,” I interrupt him. “You lied to me. You used me.” I swipe the tears from under both eyes. I walk forward until I’m standing directly in front of him. I poke his chest. “How could you do this to me?” I poke his chest again. “You know how hard it was for me to let myself love you.” I cover my mouth when the words spill out of my lips - words I didn’t mean to say.
He catches my hand and pulls me into his arms.
I know I shouldn’t let him. I’m being weak, but I want to be held by him one more time.
I want to breath in his masculine scent, until I can never forget it.
I want to hear the pounding of his heart under my ear once more.
I want to feel his hands slide up and down my spine then caress over my hair.
I want his lips to kiss the top of my head.
I want to believe the words he said to me were real.
I need to believe the things he did to me meant as much to him as they did to me.
“I never wanted to lie to you about who I was, Lana, but I knew it was the only way I could get to know you. Can I tell you everything I’ve wanted to tell you from day one?”
I shake my head and step back out of his arms. “What’s the point? It’s not going to change anything.”
He steps toward me. “Please Lana,” He begs, gripping his hair tight with his fingers. “Please sit down and listen to me.” He places a hand on my arm and looks in my eyes. “You don’t have to say a word. I just want you to know everything.”
I stare up at him, hoping he can see all the pain he’s caused.
He rakes his teeth over his lip. “Please,” he pleads, his voice filled with panic.
I nod slightly, giving him the go ahead.
“Let’s sit down at the table. Do you want some water or anything?” he asks while we walk to the kitchen.
“No, Zack. I’m not here for a social visit.” I pull a chair out and sink down on it. I’m worn out and weary from everything I’ve learned. Dropping my bag on the oak table, I run a hand over my hair.
“After the fight with Kyle in New York, I chose Kenna as my next target. I knew it would drive Kyle crazy if he thought I was stalking her. I saw you one night, when you were out with all your friends at Quake. I was there watching Kenna,” he says grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge. He’s silent as he walks over to me and takes the seat to my left at the head of the table. “One glance at you was all it took to make me forget about my plan for revenge. I know it sounds like bullshit, but it’s the God’s honest truth.” He runs his hand through his hair. “I couldn’t take my eyes off you. You were so gorgeous, so full of life. I had to meet you. I needed to get to know you.” He shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “I started to follow you. I learned your schedule and everything I could about you.” He removes the cap from the bottle and takes a big gulp of water. I stare at his neck and try not to remember the way his skin feels against my lips. He places the bottle down and holds on to the cap, spinning it between his fingers. “I broke into your apartment when you weren’t home.”
My gasp of outrage interrupts him. “What the fuck, Zack?”
An expression of shame passes over his face. “I know, Lana. Believe me, I know. I needed a way to get to know you that wouldn’t scare you off. I paid off your neighbors and rented the apartment next to yours. I followed you to Las Vegas.”
I gasp. “It was you in the club and the bar on New Year’s, wasn’t it?”
Covering my face with my hands, I shake my head. This keeps getting worse. It’s like a train wreck you can’t stop watching. Only I’m not watching it. I’m living it.
21
Zack
“The rest of it you know. We got to know each other and I fell in love with you. Everything that’s happened since I moved in here has been real.” I say then take another sip of water. Goddamn my throat is as dry as the fucking desert.
“Zack, how do you expect me to believe anything you say?” she cries. “You’ve done nothing but lie to me from day one.”
“I understand how you’d think that’s the case, but I never lied about anything with us Lana.”
“You never told me your last name was Williams? You never told me you’re from the western part of the state? You never told me you worked in finance?”
“Yes, I did, but those are the only things I lied about.”
She laughs. “That’s the problem Zack, you don’t look at lying the same as I do. Lies are lies no matter what motivates them or how many you tell.” She shakes her head. “I’m not going to tell anyone who you are.” Tears fall down her cheeks. “I don’t want to see you ever again. I want you to move away and I’ll forget the last few months ever happened. My friends will never know about you.”
I always knew it was going to come to this. I don’t want to leave her. I want to spend every day of the rest of my life with her by my side, and make up for all the horrible things I’ve done, but she deserves so much better than I’ll ever be.
I stare into her beautiful eyes for the last time. Green. Now, I know what color they are when she’s hurt. I want to beg her to forgive me. To never stop loving me. But I don’t. All I do is nod my head because I’m not strong enough to say the word she wants to hear out loud.
“You’ll leave?” she questions.
I nod again and clench my teeth to keep myself from begging her to forgive me.
She pushes her chair back and walks off without a backward glance.
I want to stay in my seat. I want to let her go, but I need to tell her how much she means to me one more time. I jump up, following her. I spin her around and press her back into the door as I connect my lips with hers one final time. She kisses me back her fingers gripping my hair. I want so much more from her, but taking her against the door isn’t how I want to say goodbye. That would only make her feel bad.
Pulling my lips from hers I place my forehead on hers, and close my eyes. “I love you Lana. If you believe nothing else, please know that’s true.” My hands cup her cheeks and I kiss her forehead before I turn and walk away from her. I can’t watch her walk out my door, knowing it’s the last time I’ll ever see her.
I spend the rest of the day and night lost in a rum and coke haze. I feel like shit when I wake up the next day, physically and emotionally. I hate knowing she’s so close by and I can’t see her. Being far away from her will be even worse. How will I make it through each day without the promise of seeing her to get me through?
After I take a shower I’m feeling marginally better and eating a large breakfast helps to settle my stomach.
Now that I must move, I need to come up with a plan. Where do I want to go? I can’t think of a single place that holds any appeal for me unless Lana’s by my side. Maybe I’ll just pack a bag and aimlessly roam for a while. I have enough money in the bank to last me for years.
The more I think about it, the more I like the idea. I’ll just go to Logan Airport and purchase a one-way ticket to whatever destination catches my eye. Once I pack up, there’s something I need to do, first. Something I probably shouldn’t do, but when did that ever stop me?
Pulling into the parking lot of Janny and Kyle’s building the first thing I notice
is the smoke. Thick white plumes are rising from the ground floor of the old warehouse and filling the dimming, late afternoon sky. Several people are running out the side entrance in a complete state of panic.
Fuck. I know Janny’s in there. I can see her car parked in one of the spaces along the side of the brick building.
Exiting the Escalade as flames erupt through the windows and the smoke suddenly turns black, my eyes scan the people who’ve made it out, desperately searching for her face among them.
“Janny Moore,” I shout. “Have you seen Janny Moore?” I shout again, but no one answers. They can’t. They’re all in shock, bent over, crying and hacking from the smoke in their lungs and their near brush with death.
I hear loud pops and cracks coming from the building. It quickly becomes clear to me she’s still inside.
My adrenaline takes over. I’m on autopilot as I run for the door. I hear strained voices, coughing and shouting for me to stop, but I can’t. I need to get to Janny.
Flames are visible at the entrance. I must hurry or I won’t be able to make it to her condo before it’s too late.
The heat is almost unbearable as I pull open the door and make my way inside. I’m overwhelmed by the suffocating smoke for a moment and I feel the heat of the fire all around me. It’s everywhere. Just waiting, patiently for the chance to turn me into ash.
I close my eyes and see her face, steeling my resolve to move forward. She’s trapped somewhere inside this hell and I’m going to get her out or die trying.
Within seconds I’m disoriented and can’t remember which direction I came from or where I’m going. My head is spinning and my vision is blurring. My ears are ringing from the high-pitched wail of the building’s fire alarm. The assault on my senses is maddening, but I need to find her.
I’m beginning to feel it may be hopeless, and panic is starting to take over when I catch a glimpse in my periphery of the path I need to take.
Crouched low, making my way around the flames climbing the walls of the corridor, I pass by the open door of Janny’s closest neighbor. Fire shoots out and singes the skin of my right arm. Fuck. The pain is impossible to ignore, but I swallow my fear and keep moving forward.
The smoke’s getting thicker with each step I take and the flames have made the hallway nearly impassable, but miraculously there’s a small, clear area in front of her door. A good sign. “Janny. Janny.” I pound on the door, shouting her name. The steel is still cool to the touch. I try the handle and find it unlocked. Who the fuck leaves their door unlocked?
I push inside and begin to search for her. The condo is clear but filling with smoke fast, now that the door is open.
“Janny, where are you?” I shout.
She’s not in the living room or the kitchen. Turning the corner, I push open the first door I see and find her. She’s semiconscious on the floor and her head is bleeding. I rush over and try to pick her up.
“Kyle,” she whimpers. “I heard the fire alarm - I think I got up too fast. I got dizzy.” She raises her hand, touching the cut on her forehead. She’s disoriented.
“Janny, can you walk?” I place my arm around the small of her back to help her up.
She hears my voice; her eyes widen when she looks up at me. “No,” she screams as she stands up on shaky legs and backs over behind her bed.
“What are you doing here?” Her head swivels around the room, checking the door and window, searching for an escape. “You’re not dead.” She looks confused as her hand instinctively covers her stomach. “Please,” she begs.
Oh, my God, she’s pregnant. Things just went from bad to worse.
Still trying to process this new information, smoke begins to fill the room.
“Janny we really need to get out of here.”
“What have you done?” she shouts.
“I didn’t do this,” I reassure her, but even I wouldn’t believe me right now.
I struggle to think of something I can say. “Janny, I did not do this,” I repeat, because nothing else comes to mind.
Reaching behind her bed, she pulls an aluminum bat from behind the headboard. I can’t help but notice it’s pink.
“Fuck you Zack,” she yells. She holds the bat up ready to swing at me. I can’t help but admire this girl for being a fighter in even the direst and life threatening circumstances.
“Good, Janny. You keep a tight hold on your bat. If you feel the need, swing away,” I say, hoping she will realize I’m not here to hurt her. “But right now, we really need to get the fuck out of here.”
She looks at me skeptically, but a bit calmer.
I need to get us moving.
“I’m going to walk out of here and I want you to keep that bat ready, but follow me. Stay close.” Turning, I begin to slowly move out of the room. I’m several steps ahead, already out of the bedroom when she appears at the door. She’s walking slower than she should be, but she’s following. “Ok, good. I’m going out your front door and into the corridor. You need to come with me.” I keep walking, and my prayers are answered when she continues to follow. “Once we’re outside your apartment we’re going to head toward the back exit.” She nods and grips the pink bat a little tighter.
She follows me into the hallway, only a few steps behind, but we immediately realize the flames have completely engulfed the area.
Fuck. We’re not getting out - not this way.
“We need to get back in your apartment,” I shout as the ceiling above us collapses.
Janny falls to the ground with one arm raised above her head and the other, the one still tightly gripping the pink bat, covering her stomach. I immediately jump in, shielding her with my body as she screams.
“Get up and get back inside,” I shout as the flaming debris pummels my back.
The smoke inside her apartment is so thick we can barely see each other. Slamming the door shut, I pull the burning coat off my back, stomping out the flames against the floor.
“We’re going to die, aren’t we?” Janny begins to cry.
“No, we’re not going to die,” I shout.
“I’m going to save your ass so you can forgive me for the horrible things I did to you. That’s why I came here,” I continue. “I need your forgiveness and we’re not dying before I get it.”
Peering out the large window in her living room, I notice it’s a short drop of ten feet, to the ground outside.
“Come on. We’re going this way.”
I can’t open the crank out window, the handle is stuck and I don’t have time to waste fucking with it. I kick the window, but the triple pane glass is too strong. I search for something, anything I can use to break through it.
“Janny, I need the bat.” I fight to keep my tone calm.
She retreats a few steps and strengthens her grip on the handle.
“Janny I’m sorry, for everything.” I keep my distance. She stares at me, but doesn’t answer.
“Please, Janny. Give me the bat. Let me do this.”
She steps back one more time, then loosens her grip, sliding the bat across the floor in my direction. Snatching it up without hesitation, I turn toward the window.
“Stand back,” I order.
It takes three swings before the glass finally shatters. The rush of air pulls the fire from the hallway into the apartment and we only have seconds left to get out. Turning to Janny, I see the fear in her eyes. I reach my hand out. “You have to trust me.”
She doesn’t move at first but the flames are climbing the walls all around us and I see the resignation on her face. She knows this is our only way out. “Please. My baby,” she sobs uncontrollably as she steps next to me.
I reach out and grip her hand, squeezing it to get her attention. “You’re going to make a great mom.” I smile.
She smiles back between sobs. I gently scoop her up, stepping over to the window. I slide her legs through the opening first, then brace myself against the wall underneath as she turns toward me, grabbing my hands.
The fire is now inches away along the walls on either side of me and directly over my head on the ceiling. Janny looks up into my eyes as she stretches out, reaching with her toes to touch ground beneath the window. I ease her down until she makes contact and releases my hands. She steps away to the curb as I quickly drop down through the opening.
We’re out. She’s safe. They’re safe.
I brush the debris off my shirt and notice Janny’s now surrounded by her neighbors. They’re guiding her back to the side lot where she’ll be safe. She repeatedly turns to look at me as I follow several yards behind them. I can hear bits of the conversation going on around me. Something about a space heater and it being an accident.
The sound of sirens in the distance become closer as we reach the rest of the survivors.
There’s so much I want to say - too much for this moment.
Her blue eyes are wide as she hears the sirens as well. Our gazes lock for a moment, before she nods and smiles. “Go Zack.”
I stare into her eyes for a final second knowing this is the last time I’ll ever see her. I turn without a word and walk back to my vehicle. I glance in her direction one final time before I get in and leave her for good.
I smile as I drive away. She’ll make a great mom.
22
Lana
All day at work today I can barely focus on what I need to. Zack has consumed my thoughts. I’m so torn. I want to hate him for everything he did, but I can’t. I love him too much for it all to just disappear. It’s going to take ages for these feelings to go away and I’m not sure they ever will.
Christopher’s been gone for a long time and I’ll always love him. I’m sure with Zack it will be the same.
Kyle got an emergency call in the middle of the afternoon and rushed out of work. Neither Derek nor I had any idea what was going on. I worried about Janny and the baby for the rest of my work day. It wasn’t until I got home and called Kenna that I realized what had happened.