by Alexie Aaron
Bev, Cid and Ronald made up the A team which was entering the Malone house through the front door. Team B: Audrey, Burt and Glenda, who just returned under the wire, were heading towards the pool house.
Gail Malone sat next to Ted, watching the large monitor. She kept a discrete distance between them. She took Mia’s warning to heart, and after hearing she was a crack shot with a sawed-off shotgun, she decided that playing with the technician’s auburn curls may be hazardous to her health. She watched as Bev strode boldly up to the stairs.
“Well, if it isn’t Barnum and bozos,” Bev announced. “I thought you clowns would have hitched a ride on the heaven-bound circus train by now.”
“Not without the loot,” Hank insisted.
“You’re dead. What are you going to buy?” Bev asked, picking a piece of lint off her sweater. “That light isn’t going to wait around for long. After it goes, then you’ve got only one road, and it’s rather a steep one, if you catch my drift.”
“It’s the principle of the thing. Someone killed us…”
“I believe that may have been accidental,” Bev told the seven who now had accumulated on the stairs.
“And who accidentally took our money?” the gorilla-footed ghost asked.
“Word has it, it was a duo of dirty cops,” Bev informed him. “I’ve got a tip that it may be hidden in the carriage house. Right now I have a team searching for…”
The seven rushed past the A team as if propelled by a class 5 Hurricane. Bev felt nauseous from the spectral rush of seven spirits moving through her. Ronald was jumping up and down.
“Did you see that? Holy smokes! Let’s follow them!” he shouted as he opened the front door.
“After you,” Bev said to the absent space where Ronald had been seconds before.
“Ted, warn Team B that they’re going to have company about… now, over,” Cid reported.
“You heard the man. Burt, watch your back. These characters are foaming at the mouth,” Ted warned, following the orbs with the camera he had set on a tripod on top of the truck.
Glenda was pulling open a hatch in the floor when the seven pushed by her. “Careful, I’m an old woman, you fools.”
The gorilla-footed man stopped and tried to steady her but lacked the connectivity to do so.
“Never mind the old bitch. Get down here,” Hank shouted.
Glenda stepped aside and let Audrey climb down the stairs first. The space must have originally been used to store oats for the horses. It had been converted to house the pool-filtering equipment. A large ventilation system kicked on as Audrey passed a sensor on the stairs. Still, the place reeked with the smell of chlorine. She put her hand over her mouth and coughed.
“Air’s not so fresh down here,” she warned, backing up the stairs.
“Wait until the fan does its job,” Burt suggested from the opening.
While they waited, Audrey watched as drywall screws began to untwist and fall on the floor of the room. She reached for Burt’s camera and directed the focus on the activity.
“Great shot,” Ted said. He and Gail watched as the screws dropped one after another until the cement board fell free of its fasteners.
The smell had eased, and Audrey inched her way downward, holding the camera still until Burt slid down and took it from her. Glenda followed slowly, aware that Ronald was at her back. “Slow down, son. You don’t want to muck up the works,” she cautioned him.
Bev pulled up a chair and sat down. She was well aware that she would be called upon at some point, but right now her feet were killing her. The wedges she chose to wear may have been stylish, but they were as flexible as wood blocks. Cid stayed with her. “Go on, get. I’m alright, just tender-footed,” she said.
“No, PEEPs rule number one…”
“No one investigates alone,” she repeated. “Alright, alright, but you’re missing all the fun,” she pointed out. “A room full of ghosts, PEEPs and a crazed homeowner, what more could you want?”
Cid laughed. “There will be other rooms, ghosts and homeowners. Right now, I’m enjoying the company of a lady.”
Bev snorted but was inwardly pleased.
The industrious ghosts had worked their way down to the original walls.
“Excuse me,” Audrey said, her voice echoing off the stones. “Before you pull the foundation down and bring the building down around us, can I make a suggestion?”
She took the cessation of destruction as a yes. Audrey walked over to where the alignment of stones seemed different than the rest of the walls. She took out a small pry bar similar to the one Mia always carried with her on investigations and began to move it along the mortar. “I’d carefully extract these…” Before she could finish her sentence, she felt herself firmly but safely moved to one side.
She backed her way to the group and asked, “Perhaps Bev should be down here?”
Bev who was listening on the open channel said, “You’re doing fine, girl. All I’ll do is incite the bozos.”
Burt focused in on the dust cloud that was forming as the ghosts worked on the mortar that held the ill-fitted stones in place. When the smoke cleared, there was an empty space. Burt walked forward slowly and shown a penlight into the space while filming.
Gail gasped as a face, or what used to be a face, looked back at the camera. The bullet hole in the skull and open jaw laid testament that all did not go well with the distribution of wealth.
“Bev, I think we need an interpreter,” Burt said.
“Coming,” she replied and groaned as she got up.
Cid assisted Bev down the stairs before he started filming with his camera. He focused in on the group huddled by the open spot in the wall.
Bev looked around her and spotted gorilla-foot. She motioned the ghost over. “You find anything, I mean, except that poor fellow?”
The clown shook his head.
Bev walked over to the hole in the wall. The PEEPs parted as she approached. She would later relate to Mia that she felt like Moses parting the red sea. She looked at the corpse and reached a hand in and prodded the skull with her fingernail. “You there, are you still with us?”
Glenda couldn’t help but laugh. The absurdity of the whole deal was almost too much for the down-to-earth woman.
Bev watched as a thin mist moved away from the mummified body.
“I just lost battery power,” Burt announced, setting the large camera down.
“It’s getting cold in here,” Audrey said, looking at the device in her hand. “It’s dropping fast.”
“Old Bullet Brain is just pulling power,” Bev said bored, watching the spirit of the police officer manifest.
He looked over at the group of people and then the angry group of ghosts and shrank back.
“Seems to me, you’ve got some ’splaining to do, Lucy,” Bev said.
“What’s going on? I can’t see anything but shadows,” Gail complained.
“The newly manifested ghost, my aunt so aptly named Bullet Brain, has just had his past flash before his eyes,” Mia said, leaning over to hug her husband.
“How’d you get here?” Ted asked, putting his arm around her.
“Susan Braverman, she told Doctor Walters she was my and Mike’s responsible adult. We owe her a big favor,” Mia said. “When I found out I could leave tonight, I didn’t want to wait for you to come and get me, so I called Susan.”
“You’re here just in time,” Ted said.
“Move over Gail, and I’ll tell you what I see.”
“You’re not going down there?” she asked.
“Hell no, Bev’s got this. I’m on injured-reserve.”
“Mffn hv st?” Mike said climbing in the truck.
“Move over, Gail. Mike would like a seat too. Geeze, don’t look surprised. We PEEPs may get bludgeoned, dragged through the ground and more, but we heal fast,” Mia said, her hand on Ted’s knee.
“Where is our loot?” Hank asked as he wrapped his hands around the cop’s throat.”
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“The guy’s dead, you’re wasting your…” Burt began.
“Valentine, he double-crossed me. I’d ask him a few questions.”
“Where might we find this Valentine?” gorilla-foot asked.
“He lives near St. Mary’s of Czestochowa,” the ghost said. “I ain’t sure where though.”
“Excuse me, but can I point something out before you guys jump in your clown car?” Bev insisted.
The eight spirits looked at her.
“He lived, past tense. Long dead. Sorry, copper, but your partner is gone. Before you seven hit the streets of Cicero looking for this Valentine, you may want to acknowledge that if he took the money, it’s long gone.”
“It couldn’t hurt to look,” Hank said. The other clowns nodded.
“Before you leave, mind telling me your names so we can put a toe tag on your bodies?” Bev said. “Otherwise, sorting you guys out is going to be a nightmare for Audrey here.”
“The cop, er, policeman too,” Audrey reminded Bev.
“You heard her. Now where did I put that notebook?” Bev asked, patting down her frame. “Ah, here it is,” she said as she dipped two fingers down her cleavage and pulled out a slender silver case. She opened it and extracted a tiny pen. “Okay, Bullet Brain, you first.”
Gail pushed back from the console.
“What’s the matter?” Mia asked.
“No loot.”
“Aren’t you just happy that the ghosts will soon be departing never – knock on wood – to return?” she asked.
“I just got myself all worked up thinking that there was going to be treasure,” she admitted.
“If we did find the so called ‘loot,’ it would have been old paper. Stuck in a wall next to a pool, it would have been rotted. If any survived, it wouldn’t have been worth the paper it was printed on, unless you collect that sort of thing. Now gold coins on the other hand…”
“I getcha,” Gail interrupted. “At least we have one hell of a story to go with the remodel.”
“That you have. Now why don’t you go and console your husband. He looks as if someone took his pony away to be shot,” Mia pointed to the monitor. “And your neighbor will have to be informed, she’s got more than a skunk in her pool house.”
Gail’s face brightened. “You mean it? I can tell her before the police?”
“No one’s stopping you.”
Gail jumped down from the trailer, pulled out her phone and dialed as she walked towards the pool house.
Mia waited until Ted took the teams off of open com before talking, “She’s one hell of a neighbor to have. She seems ecstatic to break the bad news.”
“It takes all sorts. Speaking of, how are you fairing, Mike?”
Mike hunched his shoulders.
“You look thinner,” Ted said.
Mike ran his hands down his body, and his eyes twinkled.
“At the rate you’re going, old bean, you’ll have dropped ten pounds before you’re able to chew,” Ted continued.
Mia watched as Ted uncharacteristically boosted Mike’s confidence. She waited for the stinger, and she had to admit to being disappointed there wasn’t one. Was her husband maturing? She frowned. She liked Ted the way he was. She tapped her abdomen and thought, “Now look what you’ve done.”
Chapter Twenty
“…and with a little backstory, filming and research on where or how this Valentine character spent the loot, I think we’ll get a full episode out of the Malone haunt. Audrey, you’ll do the voiceover, and I want Bev and Glenda interviewed,” Burt insisted. “I love the chemistry between them, and I think the viewers will too.”
Mia, who was looking at the cup of herb tea in front of her with suspicion, sighed.
“Want to add something?” Burt asked.
“Oh no. I think you’ve got a winner there,” Mia said. “Oh, you better get to Bev before the 14th. She’s heading to India.”
“With Gerald?” Burt asked.
“No, on her own. She’s taken a paranormal commission from Naomi Seeley.”
Audrey clapped her hands together with joy. “She’s going to find the lost lover, the owner of the painting. How romantic.”
“I’m sure if you agree not to take any pay, she’ll take you along,” Mia suggested.
“India,” Audrey said and pondered a minute or two. “No, I have too much going on right now to leave the states.”
“I think you’ve made the right choice,” Burt said. “India in the late spring, early summer has to feel like a clambake. No telling where Bev would leave you. She tends to misplace people.”
Mia lifted an eyebrow but didn’t take the bait.
Ted looked up from his note taking and asked, “Have any of you taken Curly for a run?”
Mia shook her head. The last time she’d seen the robot investigator, that moved like a centipede and rolled itself into a ball to film, was when Cid was using it to clean out the second story gutters.
“I returned it to the barn Thursday,” Cid said and asked, “Why?”
“I found it stuck half in and half out of the roof vent,” Ted answered.
“Maybe Murph?” Burt asked.
CRACK!
“I already asked him,” Ted said.
“I’m sure you’ll figure it out. Oh, I talked with Mike, or rather at Mike, and he’s out for another week.”
“When do we start the next investigation? The Wheatons, I believe?” Cid asked.
“They’re actually out of town. Tim’s at basketball camp, and John and Mindy are spending time with her parents. They said we could start without them, but I told them we would wait for them to return. So unless you’ve been given a task, you’ve got the next week off,” Burt announced.
“Cool beans. I’m headed to the beach,” Mia said.
“Count me in,” Audrey said getting up.
“I didn’t think you were much of a beach person,” Burt commented, looking at Mia and her pale complexion.
“I’m not, but I figure I may not have a bikini bod after I birth this Martin kid. In the meanwhile, I’m going to enjoy getting freckles on my middle,” she said, patting her flat stomach.
“You could use the peninsula,” Burt offered. “Put the lounge chairs on the lawn.”
“No thank you, we’re going to the beach to lie amongst the throng,” Mia declared.
“Are you going too?” Burt asked Ted.
He shook his head. Cid did the same when Burt looked over at him.
“We’ve got a couple of projects to work on,” Cid said. “You could go. I’m sure the girls would share the picnic basket I’ve packed for them.”
Mia shot Cid a look behind Burt’s back.
“Or not,” Cid added.
“No, I’m not the sun-worshiping sort. Fishing though would be a nice idea. I’ll just toss a line in the water and see what bites,” Burt said absently, obviously bothered by something. He turned to Ted and asked, “You’re actually going to let your wife go to the beach alone?”
“She’s going with Audrey, and I trust Mia, Burt,” Ted said.
Mia walked over and kissed Ted before she left the office. Audrey followed her out the door.
“Is Murphy going along?” Burt asked.
Murphy looked at Ted and shook his head.
“No, he’s not. What seems to be your problem? Mia and Audrey are going to the Big Bear Lake Beach with all the other normal sun-loving people. This is normal behavior, odd for Mia but normal for other women.”
“I guess, I don’t know. I worry about them being hit on.”
“Mia can handle herself, and I’m sure Audrey has dealt with a few overeager Romeos herself. If it makes you feel any better, Mia’s got a telescope in the garage you can use to spy on them.”
Burt blushed. “I’m not going to spy on the women,” Burt said but wondered where in the garage the telescope was kept.
~
Audrey shook her hand to unstick the glossy pages of the magazine she was gazi
ng at. “I’m beginning to regret the extra mustard,” she said examining her fingers.
“Here,” Mia handed Audrey a pack of wet cloths. “Cid thinks of everything. He sure would make a nice husband, hint, hint.”
“Too young, too handsome, too unemployed,” Audrey said. “Besides, I’ve got a date tomorrow night.”
“Really, is it with the pediatrician?” Mia asked, already knowing the answer.
“Yes, he’s invited me to an outdoor concert. I intend on wowing him with my tan legs.”
“Better spray them down with Deet or you’ll be swatting mosquitoes all night long instead of doctor hands.”
“You are so bad, Mia,” Audrey squealed.
Mia flipped over on her stomach and gazed at the youngsters paddling around in the shallows of the lake. “One day my kid’s going to be out there.”
“And you’ll be here with an eagle eye on him or her. Do you know which it is yet?” Audrey asked.
“I don’t know yet, but I’m not going to be one of those parents who don’t want to know. If it’s a boy, I’m going to have to fortify the house, and that will take time. Ted was a hellion as a child,” Mia confided. “He says otherwise, but I’ve seen the proof.”
“And you still married him.”
“Damn straight. I figured he was worth the risk of reproduction.”
“I want kids,” Audrey said.
“So is the Doc kid friendly?” Mia asked.
“He better be since his practice is all children,” Audrey said. “But that’s not what interests me at the moment. I like it that he has a resident ghost. Here is a man who will understand why I have to be gone all night, walking around with a flashlight on my head.”
“I carry mine in my hand…” Mia said dryly.
Audrey gave her a good-natured tap on the backside.
“Ouch, what’s that for?”
“For being you, you smart-mouthed bitch.”
Mia laughed.
“It’s good to see you laugh,” Audrey commented. “You’ve been a bit preoccupied lately. Are you worried about something?”