by Max Hudson
He went on and on and on until he was fairly confident that Connie could write a short biography on the life of Jesse Sugar.
“Sorry,” he said afterwards, his cheeks hot with embarrassment. He felt like a lovesick girl in a k-drama. “I’m not used to talking so much. I guess I got carried away.”
Connie wasn’t even looking at him, but down at her notepad.
“Don’t be sorry,” she said, scratching something out. “It sounds like you love Jesse very much.”
Oscar was quiet for a moment. Connie looked up at his face to gauge his reaction, but he had no idea what she was seeing there. He couldn’t quite figure it out himself.
“I do?” he asked finally.
Connie slowly nodded her head.
“In my professional opinion, yes.” She cracked a grin. “Face it kid. You’re in love.”
That was a famous line from Garrett’s Guide, he’d heard it quoted many a time by people on the internet and at fan meets back in the day, but he never expected to hear it directed at him in such a serious way. Love. He was in love with Jesse Sugar.
Oscar had no idea what to do with that information. Of course he knew what love was. He’d loved his parents and a few of his friends and co-stars, but romantic love was a different entity entirely. Before now, it was little more than a concept in his mind. He’d been locked away for so long that he hadn’t ever even considered the idea of falling in love with someone. But it had happened nevertheless. The love fairy had snuck up on him and knocked him flat on his ass. That jerk. That wonderful jerk.
“Noted,” Oscar said. “Can I ask you a question now?”
Connie smiled ruefully.
“Nothing’s ever stopped you before.”
“Before you met me, where did you think I was? Did you believe one of those weird theories?”
Connie laughed.
“No. I didn’t believe the theories. Honestly, I didn’t think anything about you. Believe it or not Mr. Hernandez, you’re not really as important as the conspiracy blogs make you out to be.”
Oscar nodded. In a way it was really reassuring. He was starting to like Connie, even though he really didn’t want to. He definitely wasn’t ready to open up about everything, but maybe she really could help him after all.
“So about my diagnosis…”
Connie’s demeanor went serious. She took another sip of her coffee.
“Well, initially I thought you had agoraphobia, and you still might, but I personally think that your symptoms are more in line with someone who has severe PTSD.”
Oscar blinked.
“Isn’t that only for soldiers?”
Connie shook her head.
“No. Anyone can develop it. All it takes is one traumatic event.”
Yeah. Oscar had had a couple of those.
“So, what are the symptoms?”
“Flashbacks, bad dreams, avoidance behavior, being tense or easily startled, sudden angry outbursts, trouble remembering the traumatic events, negative thoughts about the world around you, trouble sleeping, unprecedented feelings of guilt or shame, and a bunch of other similar things.”
Oscar sat back and gripped the arm of his chair tightly to keep his hands from shaking. He felt cold all over. He had every single one of those symptoms. The description fit him to a T.
“How did you know?” he whispered. He hadn’t even mentioned a single thing about his parents or the accident.
“It was a combination of things,” Connie said, “but mostly your panic attack. It was very clear to me during it that you were reliving something awful.”
Oscar was crying again. Ugh. He was always crying.
“Okay. So is there a way to treat it?”
“Yes. There are lots of things we can try.” Connie smiled sympathetically. “But you’re probably not going to like any of them.”
Chapter Fourteen
“I told Amal that I’m gay,” Jesse said suddenly.
The two of them were snuggled up in bed together at Oscar’s apartment. They were both completely naked and only half-covered by Oscar’s thin top sheet, which thanks to certain activities would soon need to be washed. Jesse couldn’t stop trailing his fingers up and down the notches of Oscar’s spine.
“Yeah?” Oscar said, sitting up. “What did he say?”
“He was really supportive,” Jesse said. “Like, super supportive. He asked if I had a boyfriend and I said yes. Then he wanted to know if he could meet you, so I told him that my boyfriend is famous and not out and super secretive about meeting new people. Technically all of that is true.”
Oscar hummed softly and carded his fingers through Jesse’s hair. Jesse leaned into the touch like a cat desperate for more head scratches.
“Should I not have told him?” Jesse asked once the petting had stopped.
Oscar shook his head.
“No. I think it’s sweet that you told him about me and I’m glad you have someone to talk to. I’ve been talking to Connie about you too.”
Jesse quirked a brow, curious. Oscar usually didn’t offer up information about his therapy sessions.
“And what does she think of me?”
“She thinks I’m in love with you,” Oscar said without missing a beat.
Jesse’s heart threatened to break free of his ribcage. The soft, consistent hum of the air conditioning faded into nothingness. The only thing in the room he could see was Oscar.
“Well do you?” Jesse asked.
Oscar took his time leaning in and kissing Jesse on the forehead, right where his third eye was supposed to be.
“Yeah,” he said finally. “I think I do.”
Jesse grinned wider than he ever had in his whole life and began smothering Oscar in kisses until the other man was gasping from laughter.
“I. Love. You. Too,” Jesse said, punctuating each word with a kiss.
Oscar was finally able to pin Jesse’s arms and roll on top of him. He leaned down and gave him a slow, sensual, grinding kiss. Jesse’s lingering giddiness quickly morphed into arousal as he returned the gesture.
“Ready for round two already?” Jesse joked.
Oscar licked his way up the side of Jesse’s neck, making him shiver.
“Maybe,” he confessed.
Jesse reached up and placed both hands on either side of Oscar’s face and pulled him down for another kiss. When it was over he buried his head in his boyfriend’s shoulder and let out a regretful groan.
“I wanna stay,” he whined, “but I’ve gotta go get cleaned up and make myself presentable for the red carpet tonight.”
He and his entire brood were expected at yet another fancy gala. He thought it might have something to do with clothing designers. He wasn’t really sure.
Oscar patted his head sympathetically.
“You could always just shower here.”
Jesse’s heartbeat quickened. He pulled back to catch Oscar’s big brown eyes.
“Only if you join me,” Jesse challenged.
Oscar’s pupils expanded, leaving only the smallest sliver of brown.
“Okay,” he breathed.
Oscar flipped back the sheet and rolled out of bed, offering Jesse a hand. It was funny how Oscar had once been so nervous about sex, because now he was gung ho about everything. They’d gotten each other off in nearly every square inch of the apartment, but never the shower. There were always new things to be discovered, Jesse supposed.
Jesse let himself be led into the bathroom and enjoyed the view as Oscar bent over to turn the faucet. It didn’t take long at all for the small room to fill up with steam. Oscar pressed up against him and backed him into the wall. Jesse let out a soft growling noise from deep in the back of his throat. It hadn’t even been an hour and he was already getting hard again.
Jesse playfully nipped at Oscar’s ear.
“Get in the shower dirty boy.”
Oscar walked backwards into the curtain and happily obliged. He looked completely delectable under the stream of hot
water. His thick curtain of dark hair was plastered to his face and there were rivulets of water running slowly down his chest. Jesse bent down to chase one of them with his tongue. Oscar hummed in approval and turned around so the two of them could switch places.
For a while there was a lot more making out than cleaning, but eventually the shampoo came out. It smelled woodsy and floral, just like Oscar. They took turns massaging it into each other’s scalps. Then, they rinsed off and broke for yet another make out session. This time Jesse slid his hand all the way down Oscar’s front and grabbed hold of his dick. Oscar pulled back from Jesse’s mouth and moaned. The sound bounced off the tile and reverberated throughout the room. Jesse tightened his grip and kept going.
Before long Oscar’s legs were shaking. Jesse was pulling out all the stops and doing everything he knew Oscar liked: sucking bruises into his neck, tweaking his nipples, and sensually running his fingernails down his sides and back.
“Jesse,” Oscar hissed. Jesse loved the sound of his name on Oscar’s lips, all ragged and broken with desire. “I want you to fuck me.”
Jesse’s hands stilled. He counted to four and then took a deep breath.
“Are you sure?” he whispered.
He and Oscar had tried a great many things, but penetration was not yet one of them. They’d both sort of mutually agreed to work their way up to it. They’d both even gone as far as taking at-home STD tests, but neither of them had brought up the subject in a long time.
Oscar bit his lip and then nodded his head fiercely.
“Okay,” Jesse said, trying not to get too excited too quickly. “Do you have lube?”
Would lube even work in the shower? He had no idea. This was as new for him as it was for Oscar.
Oscar nodded and pulled back the curtain. He stepped out and sloshed his way to the cabinet under the sink where he dug around a bit before finding a dusty looking bottle of “industrial strength” lube. Jesse took one look at it and had to bite back a laugh.
“When did you even buy this?” he teased. “Are there other gentlemen callers you’re not telling me about?”
Oscar whacked him lightly with a half empty bottle of conditioner.
“Use it or not,” he said. “It’s what I’ve got.”
Jesse set the questionable lube aside and gave Oscar a gentle nudge.
“Turn around,” he said softly.
Oscar almost slipped and fell in his eagerness to comply. The sight of Oscar bent down in front of him, back arched and fingertips desperately clutching the lip of the tub, was an image Jesse never wanted to forget. Jesse leaned down and wrapped his arms around him, giving his shoulder blade a quick kiss before pulling back and getting started.
He used more of the sketchy lube than he probably should have, but he wanted to be extra careful since he was pretty sure this was going to be Oscar’s first time. He teased at the hole with his thumb for a while and whispered encouraging words to Oscar until he finally relaxed enough for Jesse to slip one finger in. Oscar let out a throaty hiss and constricted around him, which made Jesse’s cock throb like never before. He did his best to take slow even breaths until he could manage two fingers, and then three. By that point Oscar was bucking back and squirming. Begging to be fucked for real.
Screw being careful. He couldn’t say no to a request like that. Heck, he could barely bring himself to say no to Oscar period.
He pulled his fingers out and Oscar winced. Jesse kissed his way up Oscar’s spine as an apology and squeezed one more generous glob of lube into his hands. He rubbed his palms together to warm the liquid up and then slathered the rest over Oscar’s backside.
Jesse gasped as he slid in. Oscar was still a little bit tight, but he suspected it was more from nerves than inadequate preparation. Jesse kept still and let him adjust to the new sensation. Gradually the tension in Oscar’s body started to ease. Jesse gave his hips a testing little thrust.
“Fuck,” Oscar moaned, head lolling forward.
Jesse pulled back and thrusted even harder. Oscar moaned his approval. Jesse licked his lips and anchored his hands around Oscar’s hips before setting a steady and rigorous pace. Oscar’s arms and legs started trembling and a loud string of non-sensible curses fell from his mouth. Jesse had never heard him react this way to anything before. It was too sexy. His heart couldn’t take it.
Jesse pulled out with a gasp and came all over his boyfriend’s back. Oscar spun around to face Jesse and finally let his weak knees give out, sliding down onto his back with his still-hard cock on full display. Jesse bent down to join him. The stream of lukewarm water was pounding at his back, but he didn’t care. He leaned over and took Oscar’s dick into his mouth.
Oscar’s wild moans and curses picked up right where they left off. He was insatiable, practically bucking up into Jesse’s mouth and tangling his fingers into his blond hair. Jesse was loving every second of it.
All too soon, Oscar was pushing him away saying that he was gonna come. Jesse pulled off and closed his eyes, letting his boyfriend spill all over his face. Blindly, he stood up and turned around so he could rinse the semen off of his face. When he turned back, Oscar had still not moved a muscle.
Oscar took his bottom lip between his teeth before meeting Jesse’s eye.
“That was…” he said. “I liked that a lot.”
Jesse’s heart swelled with affection, but he tamped it down in favor of a cocky grin.
“Yeah,” he teased. “I think I picked up on that.”
Oscar smiled and shook his head.
“Shut up. You’re the one who came first.”
Jesse agreed and helped Oscar back to his feet. He pulled the taller man into a firm embrace.
“Hey, guess what,” Jesse whispered against Oscar’s collarbone.
“What?”
“I love you.”
Oscar gave a very content sounding sigh and kissed the top of Jesse’s wet hair.
“I love you too, idiot.”
The water went cold and the two of them finished cleaning in a hurry. Afterward they toweled off and both got dressed in T-shirts and sweatpants from Oscar’s dresser; Jesse’s hung off him like 90s gangster gear. The two of them worked together to strip the bed and remake it before crawling back in and snuggling once more. Jesse fell asleep happily tucked under Oscar’s arms. There was no way on earth he was leaving this spot until morning. The fashion gala, or whatever the fuck it was, would just have to go on without him.
Chapter Fifteen
Oscar had his treadmill cranked up to maximum resistance and was desperately trying to outrun his gnawing frustrations. Today’s session with Connie had not gone well at all. She’d been pushy, relentless… tirelessly digging into Oscar’s old wounds with her perfectly manicured talons.
“Tell me about your parents,” she’d said.
“Tell me about your time on the set of Garrett’s Guide,” she’d urged.
“Tell me about the panic attacks,” she’d demanded.
He’d used his flippant snark to avoid all three questions like they were the plague, which really seemed to frustrate Connie, who was usually so unflappable.
“You’re going to have to tell me at some point, Oscar. Otherwise our time together will have been pointless. I don’t want to waste my time dear, and I’m certain that you don’t want me wasting yours either, especially not at five hundred bucks an hour.”
Oscar had remained silent, so Connie had continued her lecture of tough love.
“I’m past the point where I’m going to sugarcoat things for you Oscar. If you want to get better, you need to start exposure therapy. You need to try and go outside. If you have a panic attack, that’s okay. I’ll be with you and I’ll make sure you get back inside safely. We can even bring Jesse if you want, but you still need to try.”
“I’m not ready yet,” he’d insisted.
Connie just shook her head sadly.
“It’s been twelve years, Oscar. When are you ever going to be ready?”<
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He couldn’t remember most of what they had talked about for the rest of the session. Mundane things probably, but it was those words that remained stuck in the back of his head.
When was he going to be ready?
Oscar gripped the edges of the treadmill tight and fought through the last thirty seconds of his workout before the timer beeped and the machine stopped moving. He hopped off, wiped his sweaty forehead on the collar of his T-shirt and reached for his water bottle. He chugged the entire contents without even thinking about it.
His body was exhausted, but the workout had clearly not been enough. He was still swarming with nervous energy. He started pacing the floor.
His fingers itched to call Jesse. It had been less than twenty-four hours since he left, but he already missed him so much. The apartment felt like a completely different place when Jesse was in it. A thrilling, exciting place that was still very comfortable and safe. He already knew exactly what Jesse would say. He’d agree with Connie and tell him to trust her and to do whatever he needed to do to get better, despite the giant chasm of fear and anxiety ripping into his cerebellum.
Connie was right about one thing. Oscar was not dumb. He knew that what he was doing was not living, at least, not to his fullest potential. That knowledge however, didn’t do anything to nullify the pure terror that enveloped him just at the mere thought of being trapped in the outside world. A world that was jammed full of tight spaces with minimal exits and people who might recognize him.
He kept pacing until his legs started spasming and he had to sit down. He sprawled out on the couch and stared at the ceiling, contemplating his options. Connie hadn’t come right out and said it, but she’d implied that she wasn’t going to continue treating him if he didn’t start making some forward motion. The thought unsettled him almost as much as the thought of doing what she wanted him to do. It was a tricky situation.