by Faith Hogan
‘Oh, come on, Kevin, look at him. He’s like he walked off a movie set, the kind of bloke you’d expect to be hanging about with all the beautiful people… but, like I say, he’s just a sound bloke.’
‘So, Kevin, you made it,’ Jim strode up to them.
‘Of course I made it,’ Kevin said.
‘Just saying, mate, Luke…’ Ben cut in between them, perhaps sensing that Jim was trying to annoy Kevin.
‘Oh, yeah. A good guy, not at all what you’d expect Carrie to pull out of the hat.’
‘Why’s that?’ Kevin felt like this conversation was happening around him. He was an outsider while they admired the Adonis before them; even Valentina seemed to be hanging off his every breath. Kevin noticed her looking up into his eyes as though mesmerised.
‘Well, he’s just…’ Ben had the good manners to look embarrassed.
‘He’s nothing like you, that’s what he’s trying to say,’ Jim cut in with his usual lack of diplomacy. ‘Look at him, sure he’s a bloody…’ he kept his voice low, ‘I’d nearly fancy him myself, and you know how I feel about all that malarkey.’ Jim was the most heterosexual male any of them knew. ‘Sandra said all the women are in love with him. Seriously, it’s not just that he’s good-looking, he’s on the level.’ Jim shook his head, as though to distance himself from any possibility of being considered anything less of the kind of man he believed himself to be. ‘Sure, the women love those clever types – doctors, engineers and archaeologists –they’re the big winners on Tinder,’ he coughed, ‘or so they say.’ Kevin didn’t have to be the most perceptive to see that if it came to a beauty contest, Luke would beat him hands down, and he didn’t want to hear that Jim thought he was a decent bloke. They both knew what Jim thought of Kevin – he could see clear through him.
From then on, Kevin tried hard not to stare at Luke. God knows, he said to himself, Valentina was doing enough of that for both of them. Somehow, Luke fascinated him. Kevin felt drawn to the man, as if there was something familiar about him, like they’d met before, not just here, but before, somewhere else, perhaps in the restaurant or in the street? Maybe it was because he was the new man in Carrie’s life. Kevin wondered if Luke was responsible for the contentment that had washed through her of late. It was making her seem so much more confident, yes, much more desirable, these days.
*
The ceremony went off without a hitch. Kevin did what he was meant to do. He stood like a prat at Ben’s side and then passed on the rings when they were called for. Behind his back, he could hear an occasional muffled sob, but Kevin focused on the job in hand. Everyone said the bride was beautiful, but Kevin only had eyes for Carrie. Across from him, Carrie looked amazing. It wasn’t just the dress that seemed to shimmer like the night sky filled with stars, it was something more than just her trimmer figure and easy confidence. When she smiled across at him, it felt like he had a glimpse of heaven. His nerves were gone as long as she was here; his discomfort didn’t matter to him anymore. Had she always made him feel like this? There was so much he’d taken for granted over the years and now he wondered if he’d ever really loved her when they were together, or indeed if he’d ever really seen her. He could see her now and he knew she was more beautiful than he’d ever realised.
As they stood there, on opposite sides of the altar, another thought struck him – it was one that came from nowhere and it unsettled him more than he’d have thought possible. He realised that standing here today, before their friends, this might have been them. They might have married in a ceremony just like this and made a day to remember for everyone and embarked on the happy future that until so recently seemed a sure bet. God, when he caught her eye, he felt like such a loser – and that wasn’t at all how he’d expected to feel today.
The day whizzed by in a blur of photographs and smiles and, for the first time in years, Kevin’s smile was genuine. Normally he hated weddings; with this one, he didn’t want it to end. They travelled deep through the woods for the perfect photo album backdrop and posed for ages in the cold afternoon air, but it seemed like only a heartbeat to Kevin. Making their way back to the castle again, he sat beside Carrie, he could feel her arms icy beside him and went to reach around her to pull her close, forgetting for a moment that she wasn’t his anymore.
‘You’re freezing, here,’ he said, taking off his jacket. He’d never done that for her before and it seemed a little strange to do it now, but perhaps better late than never. Later, when he put it back on, he could smell the familiar scent of her perfume. It was funny, but he didn’t even know the name of it, though she must have been wearing it for the last ten years.
When he went looking for Valentina he found her hanging off Luke. ‘Well,’ he said to the man he so wanted to dislike.
‘Ah, you’re back, is Carrie here too?’ Luke asked in his deep gentle voice, then he smiled the kind of smile that told Kevin this man adored Carrie. He wouldn’t be fool enough to fall for the likes of Valentina with her cheap shallow charm and throw aside a treasure like Carrie.
‘Yeah, she’s just nipped upstairs to fix up the bride,’ Kevin said. He was in two minds as to whether he should stand and talk to Luke and Valentina or not. After all, there were plenty of people here he knew and he should be doing the rounds. He had a feeling that Valentina wouldn’t mind being left on her own with Luke anyway. Kevin decided against leaving, but only because Valentina seemed to have had a glass of champagne too many and there was no knowing what she’d do or say. ‘So, what do you do for a living Luke?’ Perhaps he could trump him in terms of career success.
‘I’m… well, I’m a historian,’ Luke said. Kevin thought there was something shifty in the way he answered. He was surprised at how much he wanted to pick out a chink in this seemingly perfect man’s armour.
‘Luke has worked all over the world. It’s a veery good job,’ Valentina supplied sultrily while her eyes drilled into Luke. ‘He has worked everywhere, in Paris…’ she said dreamily. Kevin had a feeling that she harboured dreams of the Paris catwalks. She certainly spent enough time poring over them in her expensive magazines. ‘Keveen, why can’t we go to Paris, it sounds so romantic.’ She touched Luke’s arm, rubbed it gently, as though she was stroking a coveted coat.
‘It’s not at all romantic. The last time I was there it was dirty and…’
‘That was twenty years ago, Kevin.’ Carrie appeared at his elbow. ‘It’s very different now. You should take her, Kevin, Valentina would love it.’
‘And so, you would live there now, would you?’ Kevin asked Luke, suddenly the day had brightened quite a bit. ‘Permanently?’
‘Maybe, if it suited everyone, but…’
‘Are you okay Luke, not feeling too abandoned, I hope?’ Carrie smiled at him.
‘No, I’m fine. Valentina and Kevin are looking after me. Go do your thing and enjoy your day.’ He smiled at her and Kevin envied him the genuine warmth he shared with Carrie.
They watched as she made her way around the room. Kevin could not take his eyes off her, and he knew, by comparison, Valentina was the booby prize. How could he have been so stupid?
When the drinks waiter came round again, Valentina took two glasses and Kevin commandeered one of them. ‘Loads of time for that, Valentina,’ he said with an unusual authority.
‘Ah, Keveen, you are so stuffy, eetees a party,’ she scowled at him, but smiled at Luke as though to include him in a game of pick on Kevin.
‘No, it is a wedding and I have speeches to make and later, perhaps, you would like to dance with me.’ He didn’t add that it would be hard to do that, if he was picking her up off the floor.
*
It really was the most perfect day, Carrie thought as she stood sipping from her glass, looking out across the grand dance floor. The bride was radiant in a creamy lace creation that stretched across her pencil frame and covered her modestly from her neck right down to her ankles.
‘You look like a character from Downton Abbey,’ Anna g
iggled. ‘One of the good ones – Lady Mary, or maybe even one of the princesses after World War One.’
‘You see… I told you so,’ Carrie said triumphantly. She had been the one to suggest the bride go for accessories and hair that suited that post-war era. Melissa had a tiny frame and features that might look lost on a porcelain figurine. Everything about her was dainty and ladylike. ‘Ben is the luckiest man in the world today.’ She hugged her friend affectionately.
‘Well, if he is, I’m certainly the luckiest girl in the world to have friends like you lot,’ Melissa said. They looked down over the balcony to where Kevin sat examining his drink. Valentina had been carted off earlier, too drunk to stand much longer. ‘He looks glum.’ Melissa said.
‘Funny, but this wedding hasn’t turned out at all as I had thought it would,’ Carrie said then, feeling just a little sorry for Kevin.
‘No, I suspect it hasn’t turned out as Kevin thought it would either.’ Melissa said softly and Carrie wondered if perhaps he was finally beginning to see a different side to Valentina.
*
‘Your speech went well,’ Carrie said as they sat in deep velvet chairs in the private bar. The dancing had finished up at one and it took another hour for most of the guests to leave. The wedding couple and their friends had agreed to have a nightcap after the day was over and now, on their second, they were sprawled across the sofas regaling each other with stories and reliving some of the best moments of the day.
‘Do you think? I was really nervous,’ Kevin said.
‘How is Valentina, shouldn’t you go to her?’ Carrie sipped the brandy that Luke put in front of her. It had been a fabulous day, they’d eaten lean and rare Irish venison, drank probably too much champagne and danced until Carrie’s shoes had to be abandoned at the side of the grand dance floor.
‘No, I’d say she’s flat out. The fresh air on the walk back down to the campsite was the final straw,’ he shook his head. He was beyond being embarrassed now, after all it was one thing to see your fiancé chasing round after your ex’s boyfriend, it was quite another when she decided to impress him by doing a lap dance in front of all your friends.
‘I’m sorry, Kevin.’ Carrie meant it, even when she was at her lowest, she never wished anything bad on Kevin, well, nothing worse than cold feet, erectile dysfunction or a good old-fashioned dose of the crabs!
‘For what? You certainly didn’t do anything wrong.’ He sighed. ‘No, this is my mess. From start to finish, it’s all my own doing. I should never…’ Kevin stopped himself as Luke squeezed in beside Carrie on the sofa. ‘Anyway, it’s water under the bridge now, too late to be thinking about…’
‘It is never too late,’ Luke said gently. ‘You’re not married to her yet, you can still…’ he said misinterpreting the way Kevin’s thoughts were running.
‘I’m afraid, Luke, it’s too late to do the right thing, for me at least.’ Kevin looked meaningfully at Carrie and she caught a look of regret in his eyes.
‘I think it’s time I was off to bed. I don’t work well on late nights.’ Luke said and he kissed the top of her head lightly before he left them. Carrie knew he was trying to help her. He was giving her an opportunity to talk things through with Kevin.
‘I’ll be up soon, Luke.’ She smiled at him. It felt strange, this act of verging on being a couple, and still it felt normal, perhaps because in some ways she felt closer to him than she ever did to Kevin. There was no sense that she had to walk on eggshells around him, instead there was a mutual loyalty and understanding that went much further than the old staid rhythm that she’d fallen into with Kevin.
‘He knows, doesn’t he?’ Kevin said quietly when Luke made his way towards their room.
‘What’s that?’
‘He knows how I still feel about you,’ Kevin said in an unsteady voice that she’d never heard him use before. ‘He knows that I made a mistake and that I’m more in love with you now than I’ve ever been before.’
‘Don’t be daft Kevin.’ Carrie wasn’t sure what to say. Kevin had never been one for throwing his emotions around too easily; certainly telling her he loved her was not a frequent event. ‘You’ve had too much to drink.’
‘Don’t.’ He closed his eyes. ‘I’ve said it now, I’m more in love with you tonight than I ever realised I was when we were together. That’s it. All our friends can see it and maybe now even Valentina knows it. Certainly, Luke knows it, but then he’s already fallen in love with you, so it’s not going to be anything strange to him.’
‘And it is to you?’ Carrie was interested, she thought they were in love for the decade together, but then these last few weeks, she had begun to learn that love was not all about giving, that sometimes love was so much more than that.
‘I’m sorry, Carrie. I’m sorry for everything.’ Tears filled his eyes and puffed up his face. Carrie could feel their friends watching them, but there was no stopping him now. Kevin seemed to be oblivious to the people around them. ‘I’m sorry for how I treated you when we were together, for not appreciating you and not spoiling you. I’m sorry for all the times I took you for granted, but this weekend, the biggest thing I’m sorry for is not asking you to marry me.’ He opened his eyes now and his gaze was steady and piercing. ‘It dawned on me today, making my way through the woods, if I had anything to me at all, this is the weekend I should have proposed to you. Instead, you’re here with someone else, and I’ve messed up so badly.’ The tears were rolling down his face now, but he was not crying, his voice was low and empty, as though all hope was gone.
‘Hey, mate, come on, get a grip on yourself.’ Jim gave him an elbow in the ribs. ‘If you want her back, that’s not the way to go about it.’ He smiled at Carrie and raised his eyes to heaven. Jim was too used to seeing Kevin drunk after just a pint or two.
‘I should really be getting to bed,’ Carrie said and caught Anna’s eye on her way towards the stairs. She had to get out of here; it was all too much to take in. Kevin babbling like a baby, Valentina carted off to bed like a drunk. She didn’t want to hurt Kevin and it was the knowledge of what lay ahead when they got back to the restaurant that was to blame for that leaden feeling within her. It weighed too heavily on her, even sharing it with Luke seemed like too much of a burden now that he had learned the truth of his father’s condition. They were being robbed blind in the restaurant and even if she wanted to, Carrie couldn’t bury her head in the sand – it would have to be met head on when they returned to Dublin.
*
Snow was falling heavily as Kevin made his way back to his bed that night. He hardly noticed. He was too depressed to care, too humiliated to feel anything much beyond numb emptiness. Instead, he trudged back along the damp path, made his way in as quietly as possible and drank the remainder of the milk from the carton in the fridge. Valentina never drank milk in her coffee, so it didn’t matter, not that Kevin thought of that until after he’d put the empty carton back in the fridge.
He peeled off the monkey suit, hired for the weekend, and flung it over the back of a kitchen chair. Drained after the long and emotive day, he flopped into the bed beside the snoring Valentina. His sleep was deep and filled with uncertain dreams. In the morning, he would remember images of Carrie and Luke dancing together, making love, living the life he’d always thought would be his. These images hurtled through his dreams with a ferocity that he could hardly bear to contemplate the next day.
When he woke, his head hurt, but the emptiness inside him had nothing to do with drink and everything to do with the surety that he had chosen the same path as his father before him. He couldn’t bear to look at Valentina now. She represented more than just his weakness. She represented his stupidity, his shallowness and, worse, the complete hollowness of the future stretching before him. He drank coffee, black and bitter, instant and hot enough to make him feel like it was burning into his very soul. It was hopeless; he knew that in the dewy early greyness of the morning. It was hopeless, he had chosen Valentina and le
t go of Carrie and now she had Luke.
Kevin went outside, cared little for the damp about him, the odour of the forest waking from its frosty sleep. He sat for almost an hour, oblivious to the time, until he heard the rustle of leaves in the trees above his head. The birds had woken early and now they welcomed this day the same as any other, and that was it, just another day to everyone else. He knew then he would have to get on with things. Would his life be a case of just going through the motions forever more? Is that what his father had done before him? Trundled along, propelled by his love for Thelma, surviving between their times together on the anticipation of their next meeting. It wasn’t enough for Kevin, just meeting Carrie at work, watching her from afar. He couldn’t live as a spectator while her life went on without him.
He went back inside the trailer. He would make another cup of coffee; it was reviving him at least. Maybe if he had a shower, things would look better. He checked his watch. In three hours, he would have to head to the castle for brunch before everyone set off back to normal life once more. Three hours would be enough to pull himself together, surely?
*
There was no getting away from it, Ballyglen would never be somewhere that Jane would want to call home. It was well run, clean and bright – it was obvious that there had been much thought put into making the rooms cheerful and festive, but it all came off as a covering over for the real business of the place. No, Jane was quite sure; she would not want to spend her final years in a place like this. She had been silly to be nervous on her first time to visit here with Luke, but it felt as if she was crossing some bridge that had long been closed off from her. She was reaching out, unexpectedly into the past and at the same time; it felt as if she was reaching towards her future. Her steps, taken tentatively along corridors that ran endlessly past matching, firmly closed doors, seemed to measure out her trepidation. The afternoon grey winter light did not penetrate these halls; it was the smell too, not a bad smell exactly. It wasn’t like food past it’s sell by date, or worse, rather, it was the heavy aroma of flowers that belonged to seasons past, forcing its way above the scent of living and dying.