“That bastard,” he said. “He could have killed you.”
Suddenly, there was a loud thunderous crash.
A chorus of gasps came up from the few people still standing around. They all turned in the direction of the crash farther down Fifth Avenue.
“Oh, my God,” a short gray-haired woman said. “I wonder if it was that taxi.”
“If it is,” Jared said, “it would be just desserts.”
“Jared!” Tandi exclaimed. “Some innocent person may have gotten hurt.”
“Or killed,” a man said.
“That would be unfortunate,” Jared said, “but that maniac could have killed you.”
“That’s true,” the short gray-haired woman said.
“Did anyone get the license plate in case it was that taxi?” a man asked.
“Man, it happened so fast,” a teenager replied, “I didn’t catch one digit. Did somebody peep who was driving?”
“It was a man,” a woman said behind Jared and Tandi, “but that’s not saying much.”
“I’m gonna go see if it was that taxi,” the teenager said. He and the girl he was with took off running toward the accident.
“People drive crazy in this city,” the short gray-haired woman said.
“That’s because everyone’s always in a hurry,” another woman said.
“Yes,” the short gray-haired woman agreed. “You have to be careful walking out here. Miss, maybe you should go see if it’s the same car that almost hit you.”
“I don’t wanna know,” Tandi said, beginning to feel her heartbeat slow. She let go of her hold on Jared, but he didn’t let go of his hold on her. “I wasn’t hit, and if the accident is bad, I definitely don’t wanna see it.”
“I think we should go down there,” Jared said. “If it’s that taxi, we should report it to the police.”
“Jared, you’re probably right, but I’m just not up to dealing with it.”
“Are you sure you’re not hurt?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, then, I’ll go get the car. You wait inside that restaurant on the corner.”
“I’m okay. I’ll walk with you.”
“Tandi, are you sure you’re up to it?”
“Jared, I didn’t get hit.”
“Mister,” the short gray-haired woman said to Jared, “that taxi came mighty close. You should get her checked out anyway.” She walked off.
“Yeah, Tandi, we—”
“No,” Tandi said, “I’m fine. Can we go?”
Jared glanced up at the light. It was green. He checked for oncoming traffic anyway. All was clear. With his arm still around Tandi, he started across. She always fit just right in the crook of his arm, and he always liked the feel of her hips swaying against him. But she wasn’t walking her usual hip-swaying way, she was limping. Once across the street, he stopped again.
“You are hurt. You’re limping. Are you hurt?”
“No,” she said with a chuckle. “These heels are killing my feet.”
He looked down at Tandi’s three-inch heels. “If I had to wear those things, I’d sue somebody, but I have to tell you, you do look good in them.”
“I’d better. They cost enough.”
“I tell you what. You stay here. I’ll go get the car.”
“Jared, I said I can walk.”
“You’re a stubborn woman. Your feet are killing you, you were almost run down, and still you insist that you’re okay.”
“I am. Don’t get me wrong, I do feel a little shaky, but isn’t that to be expected? It was kind of scary.”
“Yeah, it was.”
“But the truth is, I’m not in a hurry to get back to my father. He’s in quite capable hands.”
Reading between the lines, Jared took that to mean that Tandi didn’t mind being with him. “Then—” A man suddenly brushed roughly against Jared, pushing him into Tandi.
“Hey!” Jared shouted after the man.
The man didn’t stop or turn around.
Jared started after him. “Hey, you!”
Tandi quickly pulled Jared back. “Let it go. We are standing in the middle of the sidewalk.”
“Yeah, but he could’ve walked around us. There’s plenty of space out here.”
“Jared, haven’t we had enough excitement for one night?”
“Yeah, but—”
“It’s not important. Why are you so upset?”
Jared couldn’t let go of his anger. “I guess I’m still pissed about that fool almost hitting you.”
“I’m okay. Let it go.”
Jared loudly exhaled his frustration. He told himself to calm down. He didn’t want his being upset to upset Tandi, and most definitely, he didn’t want to ruin a promising evening. He eased his arm back around Tandi. She didn’t seem to mind as they continued toward the underground garage on Forty-seventh Street where they left the car.
Beginning to feel better, Tandi relaxed against Jared. The close call had shaken her, but she had to admit being with Jared at that moment reminded her that she felt safe with his arms around her. What she found interesting was that Jared was his usual calm self when she was almost struck by that car, but he had lost his cool when that man bumped into them. That wasn’t like him. She didn’t think much of anything could get him excited.
“Don’t take this wrong, Jared, but you’re usually so mild-mannered, I’m surprised you let an accidental bump tick you off.”
“Now that’s interesting. I’d think you’d be upset if I didn’t say anything to that guy. You always seemed to think my mild-mannered-ness was a bad thing.”
Tandi stopped in front of a storefront illuminated in blue light, closed up for the night. “Actually, that wasn’t the problem. Not getting a reaction out of you when I tried to talk to you is what annoyed me.”
“Why, because I didn’t rant and rave? Being calm didn’t mean I had no emotions, that I didn’t care.”
“That’s just it, Jared. I didn’t think you cared about anything. Maybe once in a while you should’ve shown me that you were upset about something I said or did. Then I would’ve known you were alive. You were always so monotone in your emotions, I never knew where I stood with you.”
“But I was that way when we met, when we were dating, and before we got married. I didn’t change, Tandi.”
“It seemed to me that you did. About six years after we got married, you seemed to shut down emotionally. It was as if you were angry at me because you married me.”
“Tandi, how could you say that or even think it? That’s not how I felt.”
“But, Jared, I wouldn’t have known that by the way you were acting, and the longer we were married, the more you seemed to close yourself off from me.”
Jared couldn’t argue that this was the first time she had told him this. She had told him a number of times over the years that he was emotionally distant. He just never allowed himself to address it. He had dismissed Tandi and her complaints as hormonal and went on about his business. He couldn’t do that anymore. His marriage was on the line.
“Tandi, this might sound cold, but I have no excuse for my aloofness, except to say, I saw no reason to sweat the small stuff.”
Tandi’s mouth fell open.
“Before you get excited, hear me out.”
Tandi started to walk away.
Jared pulled her back, ignoring the single couple who curiously glanced their way on the quiet street. “Listen to me. As I saw it, we weren’t having major problems involving our health, our finances, or our lives. I felt everything was as it should be. We had each other, we had MJ. I didn’t think I needed to reaffirm my love for you—”
“In word or deed,” Tandi interjected.
“I thought I was doing it in deed.”
“Okay, I’ll give you that. You probably thought the lifestyle you provided for me and Michael Jared expressed the love you had for us, but a woman—me—I needed more than materialism, Jared. I needed to feel you, to be with you emotiona
lly. And the more I needed that from you, the more you pulled away.”
“I know,” he said, remembering not wanting to come home some nights because he didn’t want to hear her complain. “I knew something wasn’t right, Tandi, but I didn’t know what it was or what to do about it. When you’d want to talk and our talks became arguments, I’d pull back. To be honest, distance was safe. I figured we couldn’t argue if I didn’t allow myself to get caught up in the huddle with you.”
“Well, Jared, that distance is what hurt me, what hurt us.”
“I understand that now, and I’m sorry.”
They fell silent then, looking into each other’s eyes. In Tandi’s eyes Jared saw a cautiousness that she was not fully committed to trusting him. In Jared’s eyes, Tandi saw that he was hungry for her, a look she hadn’t seen in years, and it excited her and scared her all at once. Again, she walked off. Again, Jared caught up with her and again, he took a chance. He slipped his arm around her waist, and again she let him. It seemed right. Jared liked the feel of Tandi’s now swaying hips against his body. She liked the feel of him drawing her close and wondered what it would be like to be made love to by him again, but so much more had to be said before she could find that out.
“I have to tell you something,” she said.
He wondered if it was about the man she was seeing.
“Jared, after you cheated on me, I couldn’t stop hating you. I hated everything about you. Everything you did irritated me. Even the calmness that was so a part of you grated on me. I started equating that calmness with weakness. Forgive me, but I thought you had no balls. That you weren’t man enough for me anymore.”
That was not news to him. He had known she was feeling that way for a long time. It was the look of disgust he’d seen so often on her face that gave her away. If he could have taken hold of Tandi and shaken her until she saw him for the man he was, he would have, except it would have made him an abuser, something he wasn’t. He let that disgusted look stay because again he didn’t know what to do to make it disappear.
“I was wrong,” Tandi said. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s not all your fault.” He let his arm drop from Tandi’s waist. “I guess I let you down.”
Tandi stopped walking. She tried to not notice the people who eyed them as they walked past. She took Jared’s hand and made him stop also. “Look, I knew you weren’t weak. I mean, I thought you were weak to indulge in an affair, but I knew that as a man you stood heads above so many others. You really are a good man, Jared, and I know that. Maybe all that anger I had inside was partly at myself for not satisfying you, and . . .”
“But you did, I—”
“. . . partly at my father. I just found myself angry all the time. And then when you became so distant, you were the one I took it out on. It was wrong, but all I could think about was hurting you so that you could experience the same pain, the same loneliness I did.”
“Well, I think you accomplished that. When you left, I wasn’t feeling the best.”
Good. It was good to know he felt something.
“But I found I had plenty of time to think about my life with you and without you. I wasn’t liking the latter. And the funny thing is, all that time I took from you to invest in my practice, when you left, I took that same time away from my practice to give to MJ. I mean, I will have to reinvest some of that time back into my practice, but it won’t have to be as much as I was putting in before. When I realized this, I understood that it was me and not the practice who was destroying our marriage. That’s when I discovered that I’m strongest with you in my life.”
Tandi felt vindicated. “That’s probably one of the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me. Thank you.”
Jared didn’t need to say “you’re welcome” because he was obliged to Tandi for giving him the chance to let her know how he felt. He held his hand out to her. “Friends?”
Misty-eyed, Tandi let out all the pent-up pain she’d been holding on to with a single breath. She lay her hand in Jared’s, and for a minute they stood smiling at each other. Then, hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder, they continued down Fifth Avenue.
“Tandi, did I ever tell you about my grandfather? My mother’s father?”
“Just that he went to school only two days in his life, and that he was a truck driver. You said he did well in his life.”
“Yes, but did I tell you that he made more of an impression on me than my own father?”
“No. How?”
“By giving me confidence. When I was twelve and had gotten my butt kicked for the third time by Horace, the school bully, my grandfather told me that I was beat before I was even hit. He told me that after I was beat up by Horace the first time, that Horace knew that he could always pick on me, and he was right. My grandfather said, like animals, people can smell fear. Which meant Horace could smell how afraid I was of him.”
“So Horace kept picking on you?”
“Relentlessly, but I wasn’t the only kid he beat on. I was the one who wouldn’t fight back, and I think that pissed him off even more. He probably thought I was a little punk.”
“But, Jared, why didn’t you at least try to fight back?”
“Because my father said he’d beat my ass if I fought in school. Believe me, I was more afraid of my father than Horace, and besides, I was a skinny kid. I didn’t think I could beat Horace. He was one of those big, beefy kids with hooves for fists. It was my grandfather who said that I could beat Horace, that I had to fight back or all the kids would think I was weak. But he also said because I was quiet and easygoing, I had an advantage over Horace. He said Horace had no idea what I could do because I wasn’t wolfing. My grandfather said a man’s strength wasn’t in his blustering, but in the firm set of his jaw, the quiet of his demeanor, the fire in his eyes, and the power behind his convictions.”
“Smart man. I’m sorry I never got to meet him.”
“You would have liked him. Granddad put me in karate classes where I learned discipline first and how to fight second. The next time Horace got up in my face, even before I knew any serious karate, I put him on his ass with one punch. The boy was shocked. Afterward, I didn’t boast that I’d finally beat Horace, I went back to being my mild-mannered self. I liked myself that way. It was me. I had no more trouble from Horace or anyone else in school.”
Tandi realized what she had mistaken for Jared’s weakness was his strength. “Why didn’t you ever tell me this story before?”
“I didn’t think I had to.”
51
Tandi changed her mind about going uptown to The Blue Note. Walking in the fresh, crisp night air with Jared at her side had done her a world of good. Without saying so, Jared was thinking the same. He didn’t need music to set the mood with Tandi. It had been set the minute she fell into his arms after that near miss, and now as they stood, shoulder to shoulder, leaning against the railing high above the skating rink in Rockefeller Center in the shadows of dazzling skyscrapers, he could not have been happier. It was after midnight and the streets of New York were still aglow with headlights. There were quite a few people, mostly couples meandering through Rockefeller Center enjoying the solitude of their own company. It was blissfully quiet and Jared gave it not a thought when he slipped his arm around Tandi’s waist.
“Are you cold?” he asked, his lips only inches from Tandi’s cheek.
Her shawl was wrapped snugly around her shoulders, but that wasn’t what was keeping Tandi warm. It was Jared. Not just his body. Him. Just being the Jared she had fallen in love with had warmed her to her core. No, she wasn’t cold. Not in the least. She answered him by resting her head on his shoulder.
Jared savored the moment until MJ came to mind. MJ would love to see them like this. “You know what I’ve noticed about MJ?” Jared asked.
“What?”
“When he’s happy, he laughs like you and cocks his head like me.”
“I know,” she said.
“The other day when
he was kinda down, I asked him to tell me funny stories about you. That always makes him laugh.”
“I beg your pardon. What’s funny about me?”
“Believe me, according to MJ, plenty. He told me about the time you took him to Fresh Meadow Park and fell asleep on the grass, and ants crawled all over your legs and you woke up screaming.”
“That wasn’t funny. There must’ve been a thousand ants on me.”
“He said you were jumping around and screaming like a crazed clown and that you took his soda and poured it all over your legs. He said you were really funny.”
“Instead of helping me, the little monster laughed at me.”
“He’s still laughing at you,” Jared said, laughing at her himself. He could imagine how frantic she must have been, but his laugh was bittersweet. He stopped. “You never told me about that day.”
“By the time you got home, it was late.”
He deserved that. He could say nothing, and “I’m sorry” had worn thin.
Tandi looked out over the empty skating rink at the bigger-than-life golden statue of Prometheus, the Titan who stole skills and fire from Olympus and gave them to human beings. Tandi enjoyed reading Greek mythology in high school and used to wonder how man came up with such tales.
Another couple passed along the railing, but for Jared they didn’t exist. “Tandi, I want us back.”
Those words, this whole scene, Tandi never dreamed or fantasized about. Jared had always been her reality, never her fantasy. It had been up to the two of them to make their lives a dream. She wondered if it were possible for them to get back together to do just that.
Jared sensed that Tandi was standing with her toes at the line that she herself had drawn in the sand. He could see that she was afraid, but he wanted her to trust him. He wanted her to step over that line. He wanted to let her know that it was safe. He kissed her lightly on the lips. She let him, allowing him to think that she wanted what he wanted. He went to kiss her again—with more passion.
She turned her head aside. His lips touched her cheeks. He kissed her there.
“It’s too soon,” she said.
Distant Lover Page 30