by Janie Crouch
By then her brain had learned to check out every time a man touched her. So she didn’t remember that at all.
“He had other girls there, Jace. Daryl did. I think it’s part of the reason both of us were feeling the itch to get out. It was one thing to run drugs or weapons every once in a while...”
“Quite another to find out human trafficking is involved,” he said, finishing for her, and nodding. “I had my suspicions things might be heading that way before I left, but didn’t have any proof. And then Daryl died and everything he’d put together disbanded, so there wasn’t much point in trying to prove it one way or another.”
She had to tell him all of it, Lillian knew that. Would he hate her for it? It didn’t matter, because even if he did, she didn’t regret her actions. “I killed him, Jace.”
He didn’t even blink. “Good.”
“I’m serious. I was...with him when the fire started. He ran over to see what was happening and I hit him over the head with a bottle of tequila he had lying around. The whole building was going up in flames and I ran.”
“Good,” Jace said again.
“You don’t understand, I could’ve told someone Daryl was still in there. There probably would’ve been time to get him out.”
“No, you don’t understand, Lily. I’m glad you killed him. That saves me the trouble of committing cold-blooded murder now. Because that’s exactly what would be happening if my bastard brother was still alive.”
Relief coursed through Lillian.
“You look surprised.” He shook his head. “Did you really think I would be okay with what Daryl did to you?”
She shrugged. “He was your brother.”
“He stopped being my brother twelve years ago, the second he touched you. Don’t have any doubt about that.” He scrubbed his hands across his face, looking older. Pained. “I can never make up for what happened to you. But I am so sorry.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
She flinched as Jace slammed the back of his fist against the wall. “It damn well was my fault. At least part of it. I knew Daryl was edging from risky ventures into downright dangerous ones. Knew he was crossing lines that no one would think was okay.”
“That’s why you wanted out.”
He took a step toward her. “That’s why I wanted both of us out. Because he was becoming unstable. It was just a matter of time before everything blew up in his face—which it did, literally—and I didn’t want us caught in the flames.”
They stared at each other for long minutes.
“Why did you believe him, Jace?” Why hadn’t he been able to see the truth?
“It’s like you said, Daryl was the master manipulator. He’d played on my deepest fear, that I really was rushing you. You were so young. Hadn’t had any life experiences. That I was forcing you into a life you didn’t really want, taking away your choices.”
“I wanted to go,” she whispered. More than anything in the world she’d wanted to leave with Jace.
“I was a fool. Blinded to the truth by my own insecurities. That you might want someone like Daryl. More powerful. Stronger. He hinted that it was true and I bought it like a sale at Christmas.”
Her heart broke as she watched his eyes fill up with tears.
“I’ll never forgive myself, Lily.”
“You didn’t know.”
“I should’ve reconfirmed. I should’ve made sure you were okay. Hell, even if you really did want him, I should’ve barged in and tried to convince you otherwise. The first thing we learn in the army is that you never leave someone behind. I left you behind, Lil. You were tortured, for God’s sake.”
She wanted to disagree with him but knew words wouldn’t pacify him. And he was right. She had been tortured. Physically, mentally, emotionally.
She couldn’t take his pain away, but she could help him understand what had come from it. The phoenix that had risen from the ashes. “But I grew stronger, Jace. Yeah, I may still be a bit of a mess when it comes to sex.” He flinched, but she continued. “But I’m also a kick-ass warrior because of what Daryl did to me. I became determined never to be a victim again. And have spent my life trying to keep other people from being victims also.”
“You are a warrior, Lil. A formidable one.”
She felt something ease in her heart. “I am. I know that. And because of it—knowing the lives I’ve saved in the years since I’ve joined Omega—I can’t fully regret what happened to me.”
“The blackouts...”
Now it was her turn to rub a hand across her face. “The blackouts are problematic. And part of it was because I refused to get emotionally attached to anyone before having sex with him. I was working with a psychiatrist about that before she...died. But I didn’t have a blackout with you this morning, Jace. I was with you. Completely focused on the moment. And it was the best thing that has happened to me in a dozen years. My body remembers you, I think. Or my mind knows that you would never hurt me.”
He took a step toward her. “I would never hurt you, Lil. Never.”
She smiled. “I know. I’ve always known. And even with my blackouts... I’m not afraid. I’m confident of my ability to fight my way out of any situation if needed. But it’s like my brain doesn’t know how to process the old and the new information together. I feel a man’s weight on me and my brain just shuts down.”
“And when you come back?”
“I have no memory of what has happened. My brain is still trying to protect me from trauma even all these years later. Even though I don’t want it to. Grace—my psychiatrist before that bastard Damien Freihof killed her—said it was because those men meant nothing to me. That eventually when I had sex with someone who I truly cared about, my brain wouldn’t shut down.”
“Like this morning.” The ghost of a smile crossed his lips but then disappeared. “How can you ever forgive me? How can you even bear to be in the same room as me? I failed you so completely.”
She walked over to him, more confidence filling her with every step. Grace had been right. Her brain had been shutting down because she was making bad choices, not because of fear. Now that she had the chance to be with someone she knew cared about her, she wasn’t going to shut down.
“Jace, you would never have left me there if you’d known.” She cupped his cheeks. “I always knew that. You would’ve died trying to get me out. We both made mistakes. We both paid a price. But I refuse to give Daryl any more of my history. He’s dead. He can stay dead.”
“You blanked on me tonight.”
She shrugged. “I’m always going to have triggers. Maybe just make sure I’m always fully awake before starting anything.”
“Deal. As long as you promise to tell me if anything I do or say starts to frighten you in any way.”
She breathed a silent sigh of relief when he wrapped his arms around her. She listened to the reassuring beat of his heart for long minutes. “I was afraid you wouldn’t want me once you knew.”
“Not wanting you is never even going to be an option, Tiger Lily.”
“Good, because I’d like to give tonight another try. I hate to think I’d missed out on all the fun.”
“Are you sure? We can just sleep. We don’t have to—”
She kissed him. She knew he was feeling guilty. But if there was one thing her training had taught her, it was that facing problems head-on as soon as they came along meant that they didn’t grow into something insurmountable the next day.
Like she said, she refused to give up any more ground to Daryl Eakin. He’d taken too much. Now he could stay in his grave, where he belonged.
The brother she was always supposed to be with was here in her arms. She pressed herself closer to him, deepening the kiss. When she heard him groan, she knew she had him.
And this time she wasn’t sure she was ever going to be able t
o let him go.
Chapter Sixteen
Four hours later, Jace was out for a run, pushing himself much harder than he should have, given the parameters of the mission and what would be required of him over the next two days. Lillian had reported back for her shift about thirty minutes ago.
He turned down Oak, a deserted street, glad the temperature was at least a little over freezing even though it was February, and he didn’t have to worry about ice. He knew enough about Denver to know he was on the rougher side of town, but he wished—Jace literally looked up at a star in the night sky and wished—some asshole would mess with him right now.
Jace wanted to fight. To feel the bones of some predator breaking under his hands. To throw his head back and howl in agony.
But mostly he wanted to go back in time and change what had happened to Lillian.
Daryl.
Jace wasn’t kidding when he said it was a good thing his brother was dead. Otherwise Jace couldn’t promise he wouldn’t be about to turn his back on everything he’d ever held important and true—law, order, justice—and be on his way to kill his brother right at this second.
He was glad Lillian had left the bastard there in that fire. Had saved herself.
Jace had been in boot camp when Daryl died. The body had already been identified by one of Daryl’s friends and put in a closed casket by the time Jace arrived, so Jace didn’t know if Daryl had suffered, had burned. He’d hoped not, at the time. But now that had changed.
He took a turn down another deserted street, relishing the feel of the colder wind as it blew between buildings, the ache of his muscles as he pushed them further, the tightness of his lungs as he tried to draw in air.
Jace wasn’t sure he was ever going to be able to draw in a full breath again for the rest of his life without it hurting.
He had failed Lillian in the worst way someone could fail another. The thought of her helpless in Daryl’s clutches for two weeks burned like acid in his gut. She’d been so young, maybe not exactly helpless, but nowhere near the warrior she was now.
She’d been raped and abused so many times that her mind had shut down almost every time she’d tried to have sex since then.
And Jace...well, he’d just happily lived with his self-proclaimed righteous anger for a dozen years, believing he’d been the one who’d been wronged.
It would be downright laughable if it wasn’t so pathetic.
The miracle of it all was that Lily didn’t hate him. He’d watched her as she’d slept after their lovemaking tonight.
Lovemaking that had taken on an entirely new tenor. Now that Jace knew how close he’d come to losing her—physically, emotionally, in every way possible—all he could do was cherish her. Worship her with his body.
She hadn’t let him treat her like she was fragile. And he did understand that. Lillian wasn’t fragile.
But damn if he wouldn’t treat her like the treasure she was. The treasure he would’ve had next to him, healthy and whole, for the past twelve years if he hadn’t been so blinded by his own insecurities and tricked by a psychopath’s words.
So many mistakes.
Watching Lily as she slept, he’d tried to process everything. Tried to wrap his head around the enormity of it all. He’d refused to let rage consume him at that moment. All he wanted to do was be there for her. Hold her if she needed it. Pull her back if she began to slip away again.
But she hadn’t. She’d stayed there with him—with them—the entire time. No scary blank stares and waking up not knowing where she was. He’d counted every single second with her as a treasure.
When she’d gotten up and dressed to head in for her SWAT shift, he’d just watched her. Leaned back in the bed with his arm tucked behind his head, and stared at her as if he didn’t have anywhere else in the world he’d rather be.
Which was damn near the truth.
“Pretty sexy, huh?” She’d gestured to her cargo pants and tactical boots.
“Damn right, more sexy on you than me.”
She grinned at him, waggling her eyebrows. “I’m not so sure about that.”
In that moment, grinning at each other, just enjoying each other’s company the way they always had, it was impossible to reconcile that this woman—so in control, capable, strong—had been damaged in such a way.
He’d fought to not let his smile slip. Refused to look at her with concern or sympathy in his eyes. That wasn’t what Lillian needed. The phoenix had risen from the ashes on her own. He would not drag her back down as he came to grips.
But now as he was out running, away from her, the rage coursed through him. Jace let it. Let his muscles take the punishment as his mind struggled to comprehend everything. By the time he made it back to the hotel, he was dripping with sweat, despite the cold. He wiped himself down with his sweatshirt before entering the lobby. Even though it wasn’t time for his shift, he’d grab breakfast and head back to city hall.
Because sleep was not in the cards for Jace any time soon. It would be a long time before he could close his eyes and not picture an eighteen-year-old Lillian hurt, terrified, hoping he was going to rescue her from the darkness.
A rescue that had never occurred.
Rage pooled through him again.
“Eakin, are we not giving you enough to do that you need to spend your downtime doing extra workouts?” Derek was getting a cup of coffee from the small breakfast section of the hotel.
Jace couldn’t even smile at the other man. “Just needed to work off some steam. Trust me, this will help me be more focused.”
“You look like you’d like to go ten rounds with someone in the ring. This have anything to do with a petite brunette we both know?”
“She’s not the one I want to fight, believe it or not. Although I’m sure she’d give me a run for my money anyway.”
Derek offered Jace a glass of water from his table while he continued to sip his coffee. Jace thanked him with a tip of his head while he drank it down. The two of them studied each other in silence for a long moment.
“Is this where you warn me not to hurt her? To keep away from her?” Jace knew his tone was combative. Left over from his own frustrations.
Derek, unflappable as ever, just smiled and shook his head. “Lillian can take care of herself. If you hurt her, she’ll be the one to kick your ass. I won’t have to do it. To be honest, I’m just glad she’s letting someone close enough to even be in the realm of possibility of hurting her.”
“Maybe she has her reasons for not letting people close.”
“Maybe.” Derek held his hands out in a motion of surrender. “I’m not trying to fight with you, Jace. I’ve been her team leader, and friend, long enough to know that Lillian has some scars. And I’m human enough to know that not all scars are visible.”
All the frustration just flowed out of Jace, despair taking its place. “Scars I could’ve prevented.”
Derek pushed out the chair across from him with his foot and gestured for Jace to sit in it. “My wife is a forensic scientist. Works part-time for Omega now that we have a baby at home. Molly is quite possibly the most opposite of Lillian possible.”
“How so?”
“Molly is shy, quiet, insecure outside the lab. She couldn’t do a pull-up to save her life, and despite my best effort to teach her otherwise, still punches with her thumb resting against the side of her fist.”
That caused the slightest of smiles to break out on his face. “Like a girl.”
Derek’s smile was much bigger. “Exactly.”
“Lillian doesn’t punch like a girl.”
“No, she very definitely does not. Molly is soft. And I mean that in the very best way that word can be used. And we both know that Lillian is not soft. And I mean that also in the very best way.”
Jace knew Derek had a point, so he took a sip of water
while he waited for him to continue.
“A couple of years ago a psychopath kidnapped my Molly.” All hint of a smile was gone from Derek now. “Drugged and tortured her. Got her a second time and began breaking her fingers one by one while he was on the phone with me.”
Jace sat up straighter. “Damn.”
“What would Lillian do if someone did that to her?”
“I don’t know. Probably work out a dozen different moves so that it would never happen again.”
“Exactly. That’s exactly what Lillian would do. Because Lillian needs to know that she can take care of herself physically in whatever situation she finds herself in. That under normal circumstances—Tasers being the exception—no one will ever get the drop on her again. Something she learned the hardest of ways before I ever met her.”
Jace could only nod.
“Lillian and Molly are different because I’ve tried to teach Molly some self-defense moves, and while she’ll learn them to humor me, generally after twenty minutes of practice she leans over and whispers that she’ll just trust me to come rescue her if she ever gets back in another dangerous situation.” Derek grinned. “Then distracts me into activities not having anything to do with self-defense.”
“Somehow I can’t imagine Lillian ever doing that.”
“Of course not. But mostly because Lillian is never going to need you to come rescue her from a dangerous situation.”
“Because in almost all situations she can rescue herself.” Jace leaned back in his chair. “It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, but I’m not sure I’m getting the main point of your little pep talk.”
“My point is, I never mistake Molly’s softness for weakness. And her trust that I will get to her no matter what if she needs me is a vow I take very seriously. I will save her or die trying. But the fact is, Molly also saved me. Her strength—her emotional fortitude—is what dragged me out of the darkness when I couldn’t find the way myself.”
Jace nodded.
“Now, my wife is brilliant,” Derek continued after another sip from his cup of coffee. “So she never asked me if I needed any emotional self-defense lessons. Not that she had to be brilliant to figure out that I’m too stubborn to admit I might need help in that department. But the fact of the matter is this—the same way she trusts that I’ll get her out if she’s in trouble physically, I know she’ll get me out if I’m in trouble emotionally.”