by J. M. Paul
I shook my head to deplete that line of thinking before it could grow and fester into something that would debilitate my ability to enjoy a rare moment of stillness.
I fingered the silver ring that hung around my neck—a mirror image of the one I wore on my left middle finger—and decided it was time to get outside my head. The camera I held in my hand itched to be used, and I knew, if I became lost behind what I saw through the lens, my world would grow silent.
My deafening contemplations needed quieting.
Since my life had drastically changed over five years ago, my photography genre had transitioned from human subjects to commonplace themes, like wildlife and architecture. I had trained my eye to notice structures that were aesthetically pleasing or to spot objects in nature that couldn’t intimidate me. Flowers, bugs, birds—all predictable, happy subjects—didn’t ask questions or look into my eyes and notice the person I desperately fought to bury. Buildings with straight lines or interesting angles couldn’t converse and engage in awkward conversations. The biggest obstacles with architecture and wildlife was finding ideal light, and taking the ordinary to extraordinary.
Before everything had turned drastically upside down, I’d photographed people. Capturing their souls in a particular moment was what had made me fall in love with photography.
Humans constantly had thoughts running through their heads, indicating happy, sad, or trying times. Facial expressions, body language, interactions, and movements were engaging and mysterious. Documenting a feeling as it rolled through a person’s features would get my creative blood boiling.
But people hadn’t been my focus anymore—until I had walked around campus last week, trying to find anything that was out of the ordinary for the road-trip competition before seeing the girl in the art studio. Something about her had called to the burning I had long since tried to suppress, and there was nothing I could do to ward off the beast once it’d woken.
In class, we had been instructed to take pictures outside our norm, and as of late, photographing people had been uncommon for me. Stepping outside the box had worked to my benefit, but now, I was left feeling unnourished by weathered doors, park benches, leaves, ladybugs, and snails. My artistic eye begged to devour human emotions written in the irises of a troubled girl, the scars on a man’s hands that spoke of hard work, innocence expressed in a child’s smile, wisdom etched in an old lady’s proudly worn wrinkles, or hope and attraction that flowed from the glossy blonde ringlets running down a young woman’s back. Everything about human nature called to me as it seeped into my pores and pleaded to be brought to life on film.
My creative juices craved personal contact. But I wasn’t sure my psyche could handle being left vulnerable enough to expose myself to them, just as I would ask the subjects to bare themselves to me. A certain level of trust was needed, and I wasn’t sure it was in me to allow myself to be that open again.
I sighed as I crouched to my knees and zoomed in on a robin hunting a worm. Just when my finger moved to snap the bird as it lifted its head from the moist grass with a wiggling worm grasped in its beak, the hair on the nape of my neck and arms stood erect.
“Libs,” an evil voice crooned behind me.
My breath whooshed past my lips, and my heart raced. Goose bumps spread down my arms, and my body froze in place. It was as if the single word spoken from those vile lips had paralyzed me.
I wasn’t sure how long I sat, hunched over the ground, with my eyes squeezed shut, trying to tell myself my imagination was playing tricks on me, when I heard, “Are you going to just sit there? Get up, and say hi.”
It wasn’t a request.
My camera slipped from my clammy hands to swing and thump against my chest. Bile inched up my throat. When I pried my eyes open, I quickly searched the grounds for witnesses, for any semblance of hope or help. I came up short on all accounts. Moments ago, I had been elated by the deserted campus; now, it seemed like a curse.
“Libs,” the voice growled.
The tone awoke my fight-or-flight instincts, and my senses were on alert. I was no longer immobilized, and I slowly stood on unsteady legs to turn and face him.
Long dirty-blond hair that used to be golden hung in Joel’s brilliant yet deceiving blue eyes, eyes that were narrowed in quiet warning. His slender posture was tense, demanding, and his fists were clenched. He had been beautiful once, like his brother, Jarrod. Their features had reflected one another, but Joel was anything but appealing now. Years of a self-inflicted hard life had caught up with him at the young age of twenty-one.
“I spoke to my Mom, Libs, and she told me the bad news. Why are you not coming home?” His lips curled to bare his teeth.
I hadn’t been naturally passive. I used to be the complete opposite, but I had learned to be skittish and cautious over the last five years.
The snide curve of Joel’s lips made different parts of me battle against the other. One part wanted to fall to the ground in submission. The other wanted to kick him in the balls and spit in his face. He had hurt me countless times in numerous ways, and it was time Karma, the universe, or quite possibly my own hands made him pay.
“Wh-what are you doing here?” My insides were a jumbled mess, and even though I stuttered, my voice came across strong. I stood my ground, not completely sure I accomplished a confident posture, but I’d promised myself I would never back down to him again. I intended to keep that promise, despite how unwise it could be.
He stepped nearer, and I swore, I saw the Devil himself sneer at me through Joel’s eyes. Chills traveled down my back, and it took everything in me not to retreat.
Quickly surveying the open space surrounding us, he grabbed my arm firmly enough that I knew it’d leave a bruise.
“Don’t fucking question me, bitch, or you’ll regret it.” He leaned down, and when he snarled, “Do you understand me?” through his teeth, he covered me in spit.
Acid singed my throat, but I forced myself to swallow it down.
“Yes.” The fear rooted deep in my core made my voice as quiet as a whisper.
He squeezed my arm firmer and yanked me close. I yelped from the discomfort but knew it could get so much worse if I didn’t take what he had to give right then. When the evilness burned in his irises, I knew it was best to let him blow steam and wear himself out. He was a constant simmering pile of ember, and if stoked, he would rage into an inferno.
“Why aren’t you coming home for summer break?” he slowly spoke every word, each syllable backed with fury, so he wouldn’t have to ask again without significant consequences for me.
“I won a contest.” The fewer words I said, the better.
I didn’t want to give him any information, and the less I spoke, the more likely I was to keep my wits about me. If my voice quivered, he would play on my vulnerability.
“What type of contest?” He pulled me even closer, so he towered over me, and my body touched his.
My insides recoiled, and I had to swallow several times, so I wouldn’t get sick. I darted my eyes around to see if anyone was nearby. If someone saw us, he would let me go. He was malicious, but he wasn’t stupid.
“A photography contest,” I whispered.
“Who the fuck cares about photography? You need to be home with me. If you’re not with me, I’ll find you and make you pay, Libs. Severely.” He slanted down, so he was eye-level with me. “Got it?”
“I have to be present. It’s for school, and I—”
“I don’t give a fuck what it’s for! You’re coming home. Today. Right now.”
His hand clenched around my bicep, and I couldn’t help the whimper that escaped my lips. The corners of his mouth slightly tipped up.
“No.” I tried to jerk my arm from his grasp.
He clutched me so hard that I feared my skin would tear.
“Excuse me? Did you just tell me no?”
I stared at him in defiance. He wasn’t going to control me anymore.
“You don’t tell me
no,” Joel warned.
I unwillingly cowered at his threat. He had held the truth and a dark secret over my head for five years, but I was tired of succumbing. Maybe it was well past time I called his bluff.
With more force than before, I jerked against his hold. “So, do it, Joel! Tell everyone! I don’t freaking care anymore.” It was a lie. I cared immensely.
The ammunition behind his blackmail had the potential to ruin my life. But it was an existence I didn’t deserve.
I struggled against him again but to no avail. He was too strong, so I stood and intensely stared at him. I wouldn’t continue to be bullied.
Joel narrowed his eyes and watched me for several long moments, his gaze roaming over my hair and face. When they slowly moved down my neck to my chest, they froze and turned to blue ice. His attention zeroed in on the necklace I always wore. It was a thin silver chain that held a thick sterling silver Claddagh band close to my heart, a band that I was certain kept my dead heart beating most days.
“You still wear that fucking ring.” It was a statement, not a question.
I froze in his grip. My heart skipped a beat, uncertain what would happen to its lifeline under Joel’s scrutiny. He hated the ring and everything it stood for. I despised Joel, and despite how much I’d paid for my stubbornness, I wouldn’t stop wearing something sacred to me at his demand.
With his free hand, he grabbed the necklace and fingered the band. “What the hell is this, Libs? I told you to stop wearing it.”
He pulled the jewelry taut against the back of my neck, and I whimpered. So much of me was wound in that single silver band. It held my heart in its hands, just like the etching displayed on the metal.
“Please…” I begged without thinking, my fight and defiance depleting.
There were three items left from the before version of me that meant everything—the camera my family and Jarrod had given me on my sixteenth birthday and the matching Claddagh rings, one worn on my left middle finger and the other around my neck. They were my only reminders that I’d had a good life, that I had once been pure, happy, free, and full of light, before I’d blinked, and everything had gone dark. And it’d continued to get darker every day after.
Angry blue eyes snapped to mine. “Please what, Libs?” His face was only an inch from mine.
I hadn’t thought it was possible, but when I didn’t answer, he squeezed my arm even tighter, and I yowled louder. It felt like my skin had split open from the pressure of his fingers wrapped around my bicep.
“Answer me, damn it.” He spit in my face.
I squeezed my eyes closed and tried to think before Joel could lose his temper completely.
What can I say that won’t make him even more irate?
Nothing. I could never say anything that would appease him. If Joel was breathing, he was angry. It didn’t matter what I did or said.
“I…I’ll come home,” I whispered. “I won’t go on the trip.” Protecting myself was more important than escaping.
With those words, another piece of the tiny part of me that had still been alive died. All hope, any semblance of happiness, was washed away by those three words. I’ll come home.
Truth was, I didn’t have a home. There was a house four hours away where I was expected to sleep when I wasn’t at school. People lived in the structure and called it home, but it was by no means mine. Those four walls only held hurt, pain, silence, and lies. My home had been taken from me, and I walked through every day, wishing I could have it back, only to have reality punch me in the face every time I turned.
“Damn right, you’ll come home. And, when you do, you won’t be wearing this fucking thing around your neck,” Joel said through his teeth. He pulled the necklace hard enough that it snapped against my neck and broke apart.
My whimper turned into a strangled cry.
“No!” I raised my free arm and tried to grab my lifeline from the devil’s hand. “Give it back. Please.” Desperation was in my voice.
“Liberty?”
I froze in mid grasp when I heard an angel’s voice from behind me.
Thank you.
Joel’s eyes peered over my head at someone, hardened, and then looked back at me in warning, telling me to keep my mouth shut. His grip on my arm released, and he tucked the broken necklace in the front pocket of his jeans as he turned me around and possessively slipped me under his arm.
My limb that he’d had in a death grip tingled from the sudden blood flow, and I stretched my fingers to get the pins and needles to subside. My eyes slowly rose from the ground to look over a lean yet muscular body with arms covered in gray-and-black tattoos, a strong jaw, and a perfect straight nose before landing on quizzical hazel eyes.
Bax.
“Hey.” Joel used a fake cheerful voice.
If there was one thing Joel was good at, it was going from psycho to serene in less than a second. All insane people had to possess the talent, or they couldn’t converse with regular humans. Otherwise, they would be locked in cells or nuthouses, exactly as they should be.
“Are you a friend of Libs?” Joel asked Bax before looking down at me.
A small smile was on his lips, but I saw the edge of crazy in his eyes before he turned away.
“I’m her GTA,” Bax answered Joel but never moved his eyes from mine. “You okay, Liberty?”
“GTA?” There was a hint of annoyance in Joel’s voice.
“Graduate teaching assistant.” Bax questioned me again, “Liberty?”
Forcing a grin on my face that felt more like a grimace, I said, “I’m fine.”
“We were just saying good-bye, weren’t we, sugar?” He used the name as a threat for me to get rid of Bax, and it sent chills down my spine. He only called me sugar when things were about to get very messy.
I tried to make my smile genuine as I nodded. Joel purposely patted the spot on my arm where he had grasped earlier. A dull pain shot through my bicep, and I involuntarily hissed through my teeth. Bax’s gaze moved to the tender spot where Joel’s hand rested. When Bax looked back at me, his eyes held silent questions.
“Yes.” My voice was so quiet that I wasn’t sure I’d even spoken.
Bax cleared his throat and gave Joel a stern look. Then, he addressed me, “Can I speak with you about your final class assignment when you’re done? It’s important.”
“Wh-what?” That confused me.
Class had let out for the summer, and Professor Ericson had informed me that I had received an A.
“It’s imperative to your grade and should be addressed immediately. We also need to speak about the trip,” Bax said.
“The trip?” Joel questioned as he examined me. “Is that the contest you won?”
Unable to speak, I nodded slowly as panic coursed through my veins. I didn’t want Joel to know anything about the trip.
“Well, you don’t need to speak to her about it. She’s not going.” Joel stood tall with confidence. “She can’t stand to be away from me.”
He pressed a fake kiss to the crown of my head. It felt like cockroaches were crawling on my scalp.
“What? What do you—”
“I’ll talk to you in a minute,” I cut Bax off. “Just give me a second with Joel, please.”
Bax’s eyes danced between me and Joel and then down to what must be a red mark on my bicep. Then, he slowly nodded. “I’ll be right over there.” He pointed at a tree a couple of yards away.
I turned to Joel and watched his eyes follow Bax as he walked across the lawn.
“I don’t like him,” he growled.
I don’t like you, I thought. I sent up another silent thank-you to my guardian angel, if I had one.
“Leave,” I said.
Joel’s attention slammed to mine, and I watched his blue orbs turn to ice.
“Watch it, sugar. You’re overstepping your bounds and testing me.” He tilted closer. “You’re coming home with me.”
I peeked over my shoulder to see Bax scrutinizing
our every move. Turning back, I said, “Just go. I have to talk to him about my class because I can’t fail. Then, I’ll pack and come home.”
Joel studied me, and whatever he saw made him nod. He had no reason to doubt me. I never lied, not to Joel. If I did, I would pay for it in the severest way.
“Fine. I’d better see you at home, sugar.” He dug his hand into his pocket and fidgeted with something. “If you want this ugly fucking ring back…” Joel left the threatening thought unfinished.
My shoulders dropped marginally, and I nodded. I needed that ring.
“Okay,” I answered.
Joel watched me for a few moments and then bent forward to kiss me. I rolled my head to the side, so his slimy lips pressed against my cheek. It instantly made me nauseous.
He squeezed my hand hard in caution and gave me a stern look. “I’ll see you soon.” Then, he pivoted to stride away.
My heart thumped with happiness that he had left, and then it pounded painfully when I remembered his promised threat to my lifeline that was tucked in his pocket.
“What was that?” Bax asked.
I jumped at his sudden presence.
“Nothing,” I clipped as I turned toward him. “What do you need?”
“Um, well…nothing really. I walked by, and it looked like you needed help out of a…difficult situation.” He shrugged.
I knew my confrontation with Joel hadn’t looked good, but Bax’s statement reiterated the fact that he could read people well. He saw too much, and that wasn’t good.
“Well, you should’ve kept walking.” Thank goodness you didn’t. “I had it handled. He just…he surprised me, is all.” I’m such a bad liar.
Joel had startled me, but I definitely hadn’t had it handled.
I started to walk up the sidewalk, and Bax caught up.
“You’re not going on the trip?”
“What?” I stopped dead in my tracks, and Bax almost ran into me. “What do you mean?”
Bax crooked his thumb over his shoulder in the direction where Joel had left. “He said you weren’t going.”
“Oh.” Right. “No—I mean, yes. Yes, I’m still going.”