by J. M. Paul
The guy obviously has a thing for tacos.
I had a few bites of my bean burrito left when Carly asked, “How long have you been with your kind-of girlfriend, Bax?”
I could tell the suspense of juicy gossip was killing her.
Bax shifted and then ran his hand through his mussed hair. After a few silent seconds, he picked up his drink, took a sip, and then cleared his throat. “We’ve been together on and off for almost five years.”
Carly choked on the drink she had taken and rapidly blinked her eyes. Horror crossed Milo’s face, and he scooted back in his chair, as if Bax had a disease and he would be exposed to the sickness. Bax’s answer had been so unexpected that even I blinked at him in question.
“Five years? Holy crap, that’s a long time,” Carly said.
“Dude, five years with the same taco?” Milo paused and shook his head in bewilderment. “You’re crazy, amigo.”
A small smile briefly touched Bax’s lips and then disappeared. “Yeah, she’s from where I lived before I came to school. It’s long-distance, so we don’t see each other much.” He shrugged.
After we digested the information, Milo and Carly nodded and dropped the subject. They started talking about our first stop, what they wanted to see and photograph, and what the process would be once we were there.
From under my eyelashes, I examined Bax. It didn’t escape my notice that he hadn’t called the place he came from home. His girlfriend was in the location he used to live. I found it strange, and it piqued my interest. I was all-too familiar with not having a base—a spot I could always go to and feel warm and welcome and comfortable. Somewhere that grounded me, no matter what was going on in my life. A home. The town I had grown up in was now purgatory, and I couldn’t imagine having someone I cared about tying me there. Someone who would keep me returning to a location I despised, despite the trap I found it to be.
Is that how Bax feels about where he grew up?
I studied Bax as he laughed at Milo. Outwardly, he seemed relaxed and at ease, but I knew how to read body language, especially the motions of someone who held secrets. Bax rubbed the back of his neck, fidgeted with his cup, raked his hand through his hair, shifted in his chair, and laughed more than the conversation warranted. The girlfriend or the mention of where he’d lived made him uncomfortable.
There was more to his story, and it left me curious, but I also knew how to respect the skeletons in his closet. We all had them, and they tended to be hidden for a reason. If exposed, they could ruin lives, relationships, ambitions, or any other unsaid number of things.
My phone buzzed in my pocket, and my heart dropped. Only a handful of people would contact me, and I could guess who it was. I pulled the cell from my pocket, swept my finger across the screen, and hit the Message app. My hands went damp, and my body tensed. It was from him.
Joel: Where are you, Libs? You should be here by now. Am I going to have to come and get you?
My heart thundered in my chest, and my mind reeled as fear overtook my body. How long have we been on the road, and how far have we traveled?
We were headed south to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, which was the opposite direction of my hell but not far enough.
Would he really come after me? Is there any way he could get our itinerary?
Stop. It’s only Joel being Joel. There’s no way he could find me.
“Are you okay, Libby?” Carly’s voice broke through my circling fear.
I quickly deleted the text message and shoved my phone back in my pocket. When I raised my head, Carly, Milo, and Bax were watching me.
“Um, yeah,” I answered.
Bax’s eyes bore into mine in that knowing way he had.
“It seemed as if you had seen a ghost,” Carly said in an almost question.
How right she is.
Bax shifted closer to me. “Are you sure?”
“Yes,” I snapped so that they’d know the situation was closed. “Just a text from a friend. No big deal.” Biggest lie ever.
If my mother saw how easily lies flow off my tongue, she would roll over in her grave. The thought troubled me, and I closed my eyes for a brief moment.
My family wouldn’t recognize the person I had become, and it deeply saddened me. All I wanted was to be the girl they had raised me to be, but it wasn’t possible any longer. Everything had changed drastically since they were taken from me, and I couldn’t fathom how to obtain any semblance of that once virtuous girl. I would give anything to be her, to have my loved ones here, and to have the innocent life I had taken for granted. But life wasn’t about what was; it was about what was in front of me, and what was in front of me was barely tolerable. It took concentrated effort for me to take a deep breath and put my feet on the floor every morning.
Family. I wasn’t even sure I knew what that word meant anymore. It was a treasured distant memory I would never obtain again.
When I lifted my eyes, Bax was studying me, which caused my cheeks to flush.
This really is going to be a long trip if he keeps reading me so well.
I tried to give him a rude expression that said, Back off.
Bax nodded his head in acknowledgment and suddenly pushed back from the table. “You guys ready?” It seemed like he was anxious to get on the road as well.
Thank goodness.
The sooner we headed farther south, the better.
Atop Mount Washington, Pittsburgh looked stunning through my camera’s viewfinder. It was on the brink of dusk. A burning orange-and-pink sunset illuminated the sky beyond, buildings covered in multicolored lights glowed brightly, and the Monongahela River flowed peacefully alongside the city, reflecting the magnificence of the buildings’ glow like a mirror. National Geographic consistently mentioned the view as one of the most beautiful scenes in the world, and I had to agree. It was the main reason Pittsburgh was our first stop on the road.
After I took several more angle shots with different apertures and shutter speeds, I lowered my camera and tried to absorb the feel of the metropolitan area below. Every place or structure I captured had an anecdote, and I endeavored to learn and feel what it expressed. What made it tick, live, and breathe? Anyone could snap a nice shot, but capturing the essence was crucial in turning a decent photograph into art. I wanted the themes in my work to speak to people, to allow them to feel, taste, and hear the entire moment, as if they were standing in it, not simply viewing a pretty image.
It was said, A picture is worth a thousand words. If so, I wanted mine to tell an entire story.
“Did you guys get the shots you wanted?” Bax’s voice broke into the air. He scanned around us, waiting for our replies.
Milo and Carly were obnoxiously giggling at something, so I nodded in response.
When the laughing hyenas finished and walked over to join the two of us, Bax asked, “Does anyone need suggestions on angles or have questions?”
We shook our heads in unison. The view was breathtaking, but it was pretty straightforward and lacked options for too much creativity.
“Okay.” Bax clapped his hands and then rubbed them together in excitement. “There’s supposed to be an overlook farther down that offers a great view of Point State Park Fountain. I figured, we’d stop real quick, snap a few pics, and then head over to check in at the hotel. We can clean up and meet for dinner, if that sounds good, or we can each do our own thing, if you guys are tired.”
“I’m starving.” I put my camera back in its case.
Food was a priority, but a shower sounded like heaven and was definitely first on my list of things to do once I entered the sanctuary of my own hotel room. I was eager for alone time. I wasn’t used to being around people and engaging in so much conversation. It took too much energy to appear to be normal, and I was ready to shed my fake layers and wash off my mask even if only for a brief stint of time.
“Me, too,” Carly and Milo said at the same time. Then, they said, “Jinx,” at the same time again. They both started s
nickering hysterically.
I felt like I was back in grade school.
My eyes clashed with Bax’s. His appalled expression made my lips slightly curl up, and I shook my head at their immaturity. But I would give anything to be as carefree and childish as the two of them.
“Okay then, let’s ship out.” Bax rallied the group to walk down the mountain.
Point State Park Fountain was beautiful from the lookout, but again, it offered limited originality. My hands itched to get into the heart of the city to discover what made it beat and thrive, so I could unmask its vibrancy. I could feel its spirit from atop the mountain, and I knew it would only breathe energy into me once I was in the middle of the commotion.
My phone buzzed in my pocket, and it felt like a lead weight that would sink me into the beautiful river below. There was no doubt in my mind who had texted me. Just like I didn’t need to read what it said to guess it contained nothing good. I would torture myself and study it later while in the privacy of my hotel room. I knew it made me foolish, a glutton for punishment, to not delete it without opening it and turn my phone off. But, when it came to unstable people and impossible situations, I wanted to be prepared for what was going on in their minds. The only way to deal with crazy was with knowledge.
My shoulders slumped as my head lowered, and I breathed in deep. A part of me wondered if I would ever be free. Free of fear. Free of guilt. Free of loss. Free of pain. Free of everything that shackled me down and held me prisoner. I didn’t deserve good experiences, but I wondered what it would be like to live without having to constantly peek over my shoulder and question what wrecking ball was going to pummel me.
Just then, a hand came down on my shoulder. I let out a muffled scream and jumped away from the contact. My heart pounded in my chest, and blood rang in my ears as my eyes darted, searching. When they landed on the source, fear sank to the bottom of my stomach.
He’s found me.
“Libby? Are you okay?” His concerned tone surprised me. He also never called me Libby.
I blinked several times in shock until Joel’s devil mask morphed into Bax’s hesitant face. I was distraught, confused, and taken aback. The unseen text that sat heavy in my pocket had forced my mind to superimpose Joel’s face onto Bax’s. And Bax’s expression told me I wouldn’t be able to easily brush off my overreaction.
Great.
“Libby?” Bax questioned in a soft tone. “Is everything all right?”
“Yes, I’m sorry. You just…startled me.” It came out unsure since I was still shaken from the situation my mind had fabricated.
“I can see that.” He raised his eyebrows and patiently waited for an explanation through the silence that stretched between us.
When I didn’t answer and I started wringing my fingers together, Bax tentatively raised his hand for me to see and then placed it on my forearm. Even though I saw the contact coming, it still caused me to flinch instinctually. He gently squeezed in reassurance, and it took everything in me not to recoil from the contact.
“Libby—”
“I’m just…” I breathed out heavily, trying to bide my time until a believable lie came to me. When one didn’t, I decided to give him a small sliver of truth because, even without knowing Bax well, I knew he would read through anything I made up. And, a tiny part of me trusted him.
Suddenly, I realized why. Bax reminded me of Jarrod, my childhood best friend and boyfriend. Jarrod had been the last person to touch me without causing me to flinch. And, with that awareness, I had to take several deep breaths to calm a new reaction settling in my chest.
I lifted my eyes to the most gorgeous face I had ever seen. All features considered, Jarrod and Bax were complete opposites. Jarrod had been clean-cut with blond hair, a slim athletic figure, average height, and bright blue eyes. Bax was rough around the edges, covered in tattoos, had a muscular physique without being overly bulky, was tall with dark hair, and hazel eyes. But the character shining through those hazel eyes was what reminded me of Jarrod. It was subdued goodness in an unexpected package.
Bax was worthy of a piece of my truth.
“I was…being haunted by old ghosts.” I gave him a strained smile that would hopefully lighten the situation marginally.
Bax studied me for several seconds and then nodded. He lightly pressed my forearm before he released his searing hand from my skin.
My posture immediately relaxed at the absence, but something in me grieved at the loss of contact. It had been so long since someone touched me tenderly, and I was like a starved, neglected infant looking for affection.
Bax reached into his pocket and pulled something out. He rubbed it between his fingers and thumb and then held out the palm of his hand in offering.
Rubbing my forehead and biting my lip, I studied the metal piece in his hand until I recognized it was a penny.
“Take it,” Bax urged softly.
My gaze met his as I hesitantly took the offered cent. “What’s this for?”
“I found it heads-up on the ground at the top of the mountain, and I thought it was an omen of good luck.” His voice trailed off, and he broke eye contact.
The piece of metal, an aged copper color, was warm to the touch. I turned the hard, round object over several times, and when it was heads-up, I clenched it in my fist. It was the first nice thing someone had given me since my sixteenth birthday. The heat from the penny traveled up my arm and settled in my chest.
I could use every ounce of good luck, and I would accept his offering without qualms.
“Then, I’m stealing your luck.” I tightly clenched the penny.
He remained quiet until my eyes locked on his.
“It seems like you could use it more than me.”
I let his statement sink in for a minute and then nodded.
“Thank you.” The tone of my voice held more meaning than the words.
“You’re welcome.” He gave me a lopsided grin, exposing a deep dimple in his right cheek.
Something passed between us but was quickly interrupted by a loud, “Let’s go, amigos! My stomach’s going to eat itself,” from Milo.
The moment was severed, and for once, I was happy for Milo’s exuberant personality.
There goes the entire trip.
“I thought…” I cleared my throat. “Don’t we get our own rooms?” I asked as the doors to the elevator opened.
We lugged our bags off and down the hall of the hotel. The doors slid closed behind me, just like the door to my hope, when we stopped in front of room 420, and Bax shook his head.
“The grant allowed money for lodging but only enough if we share.” Bax jammed the plastic key into the lock, and when the little light turned green, he swung the entrance open. Stepping back, he handed me the key. “You and Carly can have this room.” He jerked his head behind him. “We’re just down the hall in room four twenty-seven.”
Carly walked into the space, dropped her bag in the sitting area, and flopped on one of the two queen beds. “Ohh, this feels amazing.”
Milo grabbed the other key out of Bax’s hand and started heading toward the guys’ room.
“See ya in ten, amigas,” Milo called over his shoulder.
My shoulders slumped when I surveyed the room. Carly toed off her shoes, sat up, and grabbed the remote on the nightstand between the beds. She flipped the TV on, and loud voices on some comedy echoed through the room, followed by fake clapping and laughter. Her cackling joined in and bounced along the ceiling, amplifying the noise.
“Is there a problem?” Bax whispered against my ear from behind me.
The proximity of his body sent a shiver down my spine before the expected panic overtook me. I jumped, turned, and pressed my back against the opened door. My eyes were wide, and my breathing increased.
Bax took a step back and started to lift his hands in surrender.
“Nope. We’ll see you in ten,” I forced out before I stepped out of the way and slammed the hotel door in his face
.
I leaned my head against the solid frame and took several deep breaths, forcing myself to relax. The typical coaching I always gave myself flipped through my mind.
You’re fine. Calm down. Everything’s okay. You’re safe. Take deep—
“You’re very strange, Libby.” Carly’s voice brought me back to reality and reminded me that I needed to pull myself together and snap the mask back into place. I couldn’t let old demons swarm me.
“I’m just tired and hungry.” I walked to set my suitcase on the bed Carly wasn’t sprawled over. Grabbing my toothbrush and toothpaste from my bag, I threw out, “I’ll be ready in five,” over my shoulder, and I shut the bathroom door behind me.
Ten minutes and one long pep talk to myself in the mirror later, Carly and I opened the door to Milo. His fist was raised in the air, mid knock.
“Hey, muchachas. Ready?” A small smirk covered Milo’s lips as he slowly worked his attention down Carly’s body and then back up. He quickly flicked a glance at me and then focused back on her.
She had refreshed her makeup, teased her hair, and changed into a pair of dark distressed skinny jeans, a flowing teal silk top, and chunky black sandals. In another life, I would have envied her and asked to borrow her outfit, but in this life, I wouldn’t be caught dead in something that drew that much awareness. My traditional black jeans, black T-shirt, black Doc Martens, and mask of dark makeup were in place. No one paid notice to a girl in all black with shadows in her eyes, and that was exactly how I wanted it.
Bax’s questioning gaze caught mine over Milo’s and Carly’s shoulders. My lips quirked in a slight reassuring smile that he’d hopefully take as an apology for my earlier minor overreaction. He answered with his own smile, and I relaxed a fraction.
My phone vibrated in my pocket, which caused my brief moment of peace to flee. I knew it was Joel. His earlier text—which I had read while concealed in the bathroom—was exactly what I had expected. He was angry, wanted to know where I was, used some colorful language, and threatened me if I didn’t contact him. Even though the message was what I had predicted, it still unnerved me. Anything Joel did caused me alarm. I had learned too many lessons over the last five years to ignore threats.