by J. M. Paul
Carly squeezed more goo onto the strands of my hair and started to massage it in. The pressure hurt my injured head, but I kept silent, so she would continue.
“And, while I know you’re not dramatic, your appearance speaks differently to others. You’re mysterious, and that leads to the belief that you’re broken, which I know you are.” A sympathetic expression crossed her face. “And damaged people have juicy stories, and most everyone is curious and can’t keep their noses out of other people’s business.”
Carly rubbed my head and kept talking, “We want to know what broke the person, and every other titillating detail intermixed between it all. So, we pay closer attention, observing the mysterious figures trying to fade into the background, and we wait for them to crack. We believe it’ll be entertaining, and to be truthful, we’re glad it’s not us. Our behavior is sick and twisted and wrong, but it’s true.”
Well, this blows if she’s right.
I knew she was. It wasn’t hard to notice the stares I’d receive when I walked into a room. The public would seem scared that I was going to go postal. I could see them wondering if I would sit and play Connect the Dots with the perceived track marks running up and down my arms or if I would bully the friendly fat kid sitting in the corner because he looked at me wrong. They’d stare, waiting for…something.
But at least they never go out of their way to converse with me.
“Anyway”—Carly started to twist my hair into a gelled bun to let the color set—“I know that’s not what you want. You’re a beautiful person, Libby, inside and out, and it’s time you own whatever hurt you and try to move on. Build yourself up instead of letting the demons in your head tear you down.”
She bent and met my eyes. “You’re perfect just the way you are, but I really don’t think this is who you are on the inside. Let’s figure out who that is and reflect it outside.” Her hands moved to indicate my outward appearance. “You might not be completely bright and shiny, but I don’t for a second believe you’re this gloomy. Let go of the negative shit floating around up here”—she lightly tapped my temple with her forefinger—“because it’s not true. Whoever or whatever put it there doesn’t matter.” She tilted up my chin, so I would look her in the eye. “It. Doesn’t. Matter.” She emphasized each word and raised her eyebrows to draw the point home. “Let’s find the you, you want to be. Are you ready for that?”
I probably wasn’t, but my mind, heart, and soul needed healing, in whatever way it came.
It was probable that a trip meant to build my portfolio could build me up instead. By whatever means, my confidence entered—either from the girl who stood before me with optimism and belief in her blue eyes or from a guy who held the possibility of stitching my broken heart back together with his hope, understanding, patience, care, concern, and his pennies. The healing was overdue.
Carly blinked, waiting for my answer.
A tear slipped down my cheek, and I nodded.
I stepped out of the tent I shared with Carly and zipped the door closed behind me. The sun casted the ground and tents in moving shadows, and a slight breeze ruffled my hair. The fresh air felt good against my clammy skin. The warm morning promised to transition into a hot and humid day.
Reaching toward the sky, I stretched, trying to release some of the tension in my tight muscles. I loved to camp, but sleeping on the ground had started to take its toll. But I wouldn’t change it for the world, which was good because we still had one more night planned at this park.
We had checked in at a different campsite yesterday when Carly started the process of dying my hair. It had been a larger place that seemed to cater to families with children. It had been loud, busy, and commercialized, but it had restrooms with running water and showers, which we had desperately needed at the time.
When Carly and I had returned to help Bax and Milo put up the tents, we had been startled to see they hadn’t even started the process. In our absence, the guys had decided that wasn’t where they wanted to camp since it was overcrowded and noisy, and they had researched another place to reside.
Gulpha Gorge Campground was situated in Hot Springs National Park. It was a rustic first-come-first-served type of place with ridiculously low nightly fees for primitive sites. The grounds were wooded, and a small river ran along the outside perimeter.
Yawning, I looked around our temporary home and determined the guys had made the right choice. This place was almost full, but it wasn’t nearly as large or unpleasant. It was peaceful with the stream gurgling next to us. The sound of the gentle flow of water had lured me into what was my first undisturbed sleep in many years. My body felt sluggish after finally receiving some much-deserved rest, but I also felt revitalized and eager to face the day.
After I had my first shot of caffeine.
I gently lifted the lid of our cooler, dug out a Pepsi, and then walked over to the stream next to our campsite. When I dipped my feet into the water, the shock of cold sent chills along my skin and further awakened me. I sat on a boulder, cracked my drink open, and closed my eyes, taking in the sounds of the wilderness around me. The birds chirped, and a small animal scurried around, looking for its breakfast, while the stream rippled down and around me. I heard murmuring coming from other campers slowly waking, and the leaves rustled in the breeze. The ambiance brought me a peace I hadn’t felt in quite some time, and on that rock, I made it my new mission to try and let calmness find me more often.
I heard footsteps behind me, and I blinked my eyes open to see Bax walking toward me. When he caught my attention, a lazy smile curved his lips, and mine lifted in response.
His hair was ruffled from sleep, sticking up in a couple of different places, and he yawned while he scratched his chest. My heart did a little flip, and my stomach tightened at the sight of him. He was absolutely gorgeous.
“Good morning.” Bax stepped into the water and jumped back out. “Holy shit, that’s cold.”
“Wimp.” I grinned and took a sip of my cold drink. The caffeine had already hit my system, and I was wide-awake, ready to attack whatever this day had in store for me.
Or maybe I’m completely conscious from the sight of Bax before me.
He stood at the edge of the stream in a pair of black running shorts and a red T-shirt. The sun filtered through the trees, illuminating his golden skin and accenting the black tattoos that stretched down to his wrists on both arms. It occurred to me that I had never really studied his tattoos and needed to in the near future.
Bax rubbed his hands up and down his face a few times and then stretched. As he reached his arms over his head and grunted, my eyes eagerly devoured the exposed skin of his stomach. I swallowed deeply and took another drink of my Pepsi.
“I slept like a rock.” He yawned and then moseyed over to sit next to me on the boulder.
I scooted to the side to make room, and he dipped his toes into the water, cautiously this time.
“You crashed pretty early last night. How’d you sleep?” Reaching out his hand, he indicated he wanted a sip of my soda.
It was a barrier we hadn’t broken yet—sharing drinks or bites of food—but I found myself handing over the can without thought, like it was something we did on the regular. Bax took a long swallow.
“Actually, I slept really well.” The disbelief in my voice was apparent.
“Yeah?” He studied me as he handed the beverage back.
I nodded as I watched the stream splash against the rocks.
The breeze picked up and blew strands of my lightened hair into my face. Bax lifted his hand and brushed the errant tendrils back.
“I really like your hair, by the way.” His eyes sparkled, and I saw a hint of his dimple. “Sorry I forgot to tell you yesterday. But it was still wet and up in a knot, so I couldn’t really see it.”
He lifted my loose, messy ponytail that hung down my back and let it sift through his fingers. I worked hard to hold back the shiver of delight that crept up my spine at his touch.
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“Thanks.” My head tilted down, and I watched the water rush over my feet and Black Shatter–painted toes. I had never had a pedicure, but I couldn’t imagine it felt any better than this. Chilled fresh water, sand between my toes, and the small stones provided nature’s best exfoliation.
“You were absolutely beautiful before, but now…” He let his words trail off until I met his gaze. “Now, you’re gorgeous. The lighter color is more natural, and it really suits you, Libby.”
I shyly looked at him through my lashes before lowering my head back down to stare at the stream, lost in thought.
Compliments weren’t something I was used to receiving. Being degraded and lashed at with words had become my normal. And, for me, hard words seemed easier to accept than compliments. Nice expressions made me feel insecure, bashful, and skeptical. When hate was being spewed at me, I’d shut down and escape into my head until the spitting in my face stopped. Denial and deflection of lovely words were easier than acceptance and hope that the pretty sayings were true.
“Libby?” Bax whispered to draw my attention back to his. He watched me for several seconds, a look I hadn’t seen before gracing his features.
We stayed locked in each other’s gaze. As we sat on that boulder, enraptured by the other, the world around us disappeared, and everything that mattered centered in the space between us. In that gap, there was no fear or doubt. There was only Bax and the solace he was able to infuse into me. The sensation was extremely rare, but it was starting to become familiar with the more time I spent with him. I wasn’t sure what to make of the feeling, but I didn’t want to question anything right now. I just wanted to live in the moment for once.
Bax leaned forward ever so slightly, and I was immediately drawn into him. Mere inches separated us. Instead of the proximity frightening me, I wanted to edge even closer to him until the space between us was nonexistent.
“Do you trust me?” he murmured.
“Yes.” The word slipped softly past my lips, and I blinked once in wonder. I tended to overthink everything—it had become a necessary part of survival—but I had just given a knee-jerk response.
It was unsettling to be completely honest with someone but refreshing to discover that my answer was true. It had been years since I trusted anyone, and living with my back in a corner, suspicious of everyone’s motives, was a difficult and exhausting way to exist.
With his eyes glittering with pleasure from my immediate answer, Bax’s full lips curved slightly. My eyes zeroed in on that plump skin for a fleeting moment, and I licked my lips in response.
I wonder what Bax tastes like…
“Good,” he murmured, interrupting my shocking thought.
Giving me warning of his intention, he lifted his arm and reached for my face. When his hand caressed my cheek, the warmth that wrapped around my stomach and chest was foreign but pleasant and welcome. My skin tingled at the point of contact, and my heart rate accelerated.
Bax bent nearer, his hazel eyes keeping close watch of my reaction. He was probably trying to gauge if I was spooked and would run or if I’d use one of my newly learned self-defense moves on him.
“I’m going to kiss you, Libby. It’ll be gentle, just a brushing of lips.” He rubbed the pad of his thumb against the bottom edge of my lower lip, and it took everything in me not to whimper. “I’ve tried so hard to control myself around you, but with the sunlight illuminating your hair and sparkling blue eyes and you sitting on this stone with the river at your feet…I just…I can’t anymore. I need to taste you.”
Little puffs of air danced across my mouth at his words. The sensation sent chills down my arms even though I swore that the temperature had risen at least ten degrees in the matter of one second.
I wanted this. For the first time since Jarrod, I had desire for a man to kiss me.
Bax closed his eyes, and I followed suit. Every detail of this moment needed to be etched in my mind, so I could play it over and over when I went to sleep at night.
Even though Bax’s mouth hadn’t touched mine yet, I knew it would be monumental, something I would never forget for years to come, because there was an undeniable draw between us. It had been there since he first asked me about the meaning of my photo that won me the slot on this trip. His hazel eyes had read into my dark and twisted story without effort, connecting us in a way I couldn’t explain or understand.
When Bax hesitated to make the connection, I scooted toward him as a way to communicate my permission. He exhaled in a rush, releasing his inhibitions at spooking me.
Just when the edge of his bottom lip barely grazed mine, a loud, “Gooood morning, Vietnam!” sounded behind us.
Bax and I jumped apart to see Milo standing just outside his green tent, stretching his arms above his head. He yawned obnoxiously and then scratched his privates, which were only covered by tighty-whities, when his eyes landed on me and Bax.
“Buenos días, amigos.” Milo swaggered over and stood on the bank next to us. He scratched his chest and then his head. “Estoy crudo.” He groaned and then yawned loudly as he shook his head. When he looked at us, he said, “Qué onda?”
“English, Milo. And you deserve every bit of your hangover.” Bax turned slightly to smirk at him but grimaced instead and twisted back around. “Put some clothes on. You’re scaring the trees.” He shivered.
“Can’t handle the man meat, chico?” He grabbed his junk and jiggled.
My eyes widened, and I quickly looked back at the river as heat crept into my cheeks.
“Do I make you jealous?” Milo nudged Bax with his foot, and Bax shoved him away. “I thought maybe Libby would want to see what a real male specimen looked like.” He laughed loudly.
“Fuck you, Milo. Get the hell out of here.” Bax turned to glare at Milo.
He took the hint and chuckled on his way back to the tent.
“Quit being such a loud jackass!” Carly yelled to Milo from inside our tent. “The whole world doesn’t need to know when you’re awake.”
“Aw, but I wanted to make sure you were conscious when I crawled in bed with you.” Milo started to unzip the door to our tent, and Carly screamed. The tent shook, and then I heard the zipper again.
“Don’t even think about it!” Carly growled.
Milo stood and walked to his tent, still chuckling as he secured the canvas door behind him.
Bax and I were quiet for a while, unsure of what to say about what had almost happened between us. If it weren’t for Milo’s grand entrance, I would have experienced my first real kiss since Jarrod had been taken away from me.
The thought made my shoulders sag, and I peeked up at Bax through my lashes.
One of his hands was clenched in a fist, and the other twisted the hem of his athletic shorts. His demeanor screamed that he wasn’t happy with the interruption either.
Not knowing what to do to rectify the mood, I stood and climbed onto the bank. When I turned back, Bax was squinting up at me.
“We should get moving if we want to get good shots of the hot springs today. The later it gets, the busier it’ll be.” I tried to smile but found myself too sad and disappointed.
“You’re probably right.” He pushed off the stone. When I started to walk away, he called my name.
“Yeah?” I peered over my shoulder at him.
“Are we good?”
I thought about how the mere closeness of him ignited all manner of feelings inside me. I brushed off my disappointment and forced myself to believe that it was a good thing we hadn’t kissed. Not only was I unsure of how I would have reacted, but it could have also ruined our friendship. And I had been alone for so long that I couldn’t run the risk of ruining the one good thing I had going for me right now.
I nodded. “We’re good.”
We’d be even better if our almost kiss hadn’t been interrupted.
He reciprocated my smile before I made the short trek back to our campsite.
When I entered the tent, Carly was
buck naked, in the process of changing.
“Oh, gosh. Sorry.” I turned my back toward her.
“No worries, Lib. I was a cheerleader in high school…” She left the statement hanging, like it was supposed to explain something. “Plus, I don’t have anything you don’t have.”
“You have something I don’t have, and I wouldn’t mind comparing differences,” Milo called from outside.
“Dream on.” Carly softly chuckled.
Behind me, I heard her pull on a pair of shorts while I rummaged through my bag of new clothes. Searching for something to wear that would be cool yet wouldn’t make me feel self-conscious all day was almost impossible. Everything I had bought at Target was outside of my comfort zone.
What was I thinking?
Carly reached over me to pull out a pair of gray Bermuda shorts, a tank top, and a white-and-gray-striped T-shirt and handed them to me. “I know you don’t like to show skin, but it’s going to be hot. We’re also going to be hiking—well, you guys are, and I’ll do as much as I can—and photographing the hot springs, so I imagine you’ll appreciate a little bit of breathing room.” Carly smiled down at me.
She really was a beautiful girl. Her long blonde hair hung over her shoulder, and her blue eyes glittered in a way only a person with a trouble-free life could. Genuine happiness exuded from her, and while I envied it, I was happy that at least one of us was able to experience the brighter side of existence. Although she definitely lived, and I only existed.
But you felt alive when Bax almost kissed you…
I shook off the thought because he more than likely wouldn’t try it again. We had been caught up in the moment and our surroundings. Bax could do so much better than me, and I didn’t want to drag him down into my dark world. He deserved more.
“Thanks.” I took the clothes Carly had offered me and searched through my bag for a clean sports bra.