by J. M. Paul
I nodded and sat on the park bench near the road we had been walking along.
We sat peacefully for a long time until Bax broke the silence, saying, “You used to camp a lot with your family?”
“Yeah. We would go several times every summer. Out of all the adventures we had together, camping was my favorite.” I smiled at the wonderful recollections I had of my family and then grew quiet when the familiar feeling of emptiness slammed into me. Memories were all I would ever have of them, and I was worried that, the more time that went by, the less I would remember.
Right then, I let myself feel the pain and the weight of their loss. It swirled around my insides, filling my chest to full, until I thought it would burst with grief. The sorrow took ahold of everything and curled around my heart, stealing its strength and crushing it in the process, almost as harshly as the first time.
Will I forget how my mom’s hair smelled, the way my dad could eliminate all my worries with a hug, or how my sister’s eyes sparkled when something excited her? I was scared to talk about them, but I was even more frightened that they wouldn’t be prominent in my memory someday or that I wouldn’t be able to recall my favorite aspects of them.
“It’s okay to talk about them, Libby.” Bax set his hand on my thigh and left it there for comfort. “I didn’t know your family, but I’m sure they would have wanted you to share the good times and to remember that they loved you.”
He was right. Of course he was right, but it didn’t make the memories hurt any less. It just made me miss my loved ones even more. I mourned the experiences I could have created with them but wasn’t allowed.
“My mom was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer when I was twelve,” Bax said out of the blue.
Turning my head in his direction, I found him staring off at the mountains, lost in what I assumed was flashes of the past. The tightness around his eyes and mouth led me to believe the thoughts weren’t pleasant.
It seems, I’m not the only one with a tragic story hidden inside me.
“As if it wasn’t hard enough to watch her own body kill her, she turned to drugs as well.” He hung his head. “I’m not talking about her prescribed painkillers either.” He exhaled loudly and swung his eyes in my direction. “There at least would have been some sort of grace in abusing something that had been legally given to her for her pain. But, while cancer ate at her body, her demons ate at her mind.”
Bax shook his head and was silent for so long that I wasn’t sure if he was going to continue. The pain etched in every feature of his face made me wish he would proceed, that he would set the past free.
From experience, I knew that was much easier said than done.
“Excited to show her my report card, I came barreling in the door one day after school. I yelled out for her, but she didn’t answer. Her car was in the driveway, so I knew she was home. Searching everywhere, I found her in her bathroom on the floor. She was asleep, so I inched closer and whispered her name. Then, I shook her. There was no response, so I shook her harder. She moved just enough for me to see the needle still in her arm.” His jaw clenched before he bowed his head. “She died of an overdose. Heroin.”
“Oh my gosh, Bax. I’m so sorry.” I knew the words did nothing to help his pain, but I wasn’t sure what else to say. No child should ever have to witness what he had gone through, especially when the victim was his parent.
He shrugged, like it didn’t matter, but I knew it did. The loss of a parent’s love wasn’t something that could ever be replaced. Bax had lost his mom at such a young age, and then shortly after, he’d lost his grandmother before being tossed into the system. I couldn’t imagine the suffering he had experienced when he was so young.
My history was awful, but I had had a great life until I was sixteen. And, at that age, at least I could take better care of myself on my own even though I’d failed miserably at the task.
“Thanks.” It was said so low that it could have been whispered on the wind. Bax shifted and surprised me by taking my face in his hands. “I couldn’t save her, Libby. As much as I tried to be a good son—helping her with her treatments, cleaning up around the house, and trying to be an easy son to raise to make her life better—I couldn’t save her from herself and whatever haunted her.”
He watched me watching him.
“I know the situation is completely different, but I want to save you. I need to help you handle whatever it is that has you running scared.” Bax rested his forehead against mine. “Please, it’s all I want. There’s so much life in you, waiting to be set free. Don’t let your demons or fear nail you down, like my mom’s did. If something happened to you, I don’t know what I’d do.” He squeezed his eyes closed.
We sat with our brows resting against each other, simply taking in the comfort needed.
After a while, I pulled back and cast my gaze toward the mountains. “Maybe whatever broke me is so deeply embedded inside me, Bax, that you can’t fix it. Maybe no one can. The roots run too deep.” Sadness clouded my voice as I studied the white tips of the Rocky Mountains in the distance.
For the last five years, I had had no one, and I had come to terms with the future that was laid before me. I wouldn’t burden anyone else with the darkness, especially Bax. He was too full of light and didn’t deserve for me to dull his glow.
Bax gripped my chin and turned my head, so I was facing him. “Don’t say that. We can work through it, Libby. Trust me.”
His eyes pleaded with me to let him in, and in a hasty decision, I decided that I would. If he saw how broken I really was, maybe he wouldn’t push me any harder than he already had.
“When my family was killed, I moved in with my parents’ best friends—Jarrod and Joel’s parents.”
I eyed him to see if he was listening, and he most definitely was. I cleared my throat and clenched my hands together, trying to brace myself for what I would say because my words had the potential to change everything between us.
“I lived with the family for two months before Joel raped me for the first time.” I choked on the words, having never said them to a soul before now. And, to my utter horror, speaking them out loud had made it horribly real. When I had kept it to myself, I could try to play the situation off as false and work hard at not believing it. But, now that the words were out in the world, running wild on the wind, I couldn’t take them back.
I now have to live with them as my truth.
Bax sat, mute, trying to digest the information, his leg bouncing. “The first time?” Bax seethed in disbelief. “How many times were there?”
“I don’t know.” I wrung my hands together in my lap. “Enough that I lost count…a long time ago.” Humiliation was laced through every syllable.
Bax pushed off the bench and paced back and forth, grumbling to himself. I wrapped my arms around my waist and started to rock.
My biggest fear had possibly come true. Admitting what had happened to me disgusted Bax, made him think less of me—if that were even possible. Whatever headway we had made with each other, I had just thrown the biggest roadblock in the middle of our journey.
My eyes bounced to anything but him. I couldn’t bring myself to look Bax in the eye because I was worried about what I might find. Pity, loathing, repulsion? I wasn’t sure, but any and all would tear me apart when I was desperately trying to hold myself together.
Tightening my arms, I fought against the silent tears tumbling down my cheeks, but it was a useless battle. Shame wrapped its evil tentacles around me, squeezing until I was gasping for breath. I felt dirty, absolutely filthy, used, and worthless.
The one person I’d thought could possibly see value in me and help me find self-worth now saw me for the con I was.
I was a dreadful, rotten, miserable excuse for a human being, and I would be alone for the rest of my life, just like Joel had repeatedly told me. And he was right. I deserved everything I had coming to me and everything that had occurred. It was my punishment for being the wors
t kind of person. I was a disgrace to my family, to myself, and to everyone who came in contact with me.
Gasping, I lowered my head and squeezed my eyes closed. A sob escaped, and my body shook against the agony in my heart.
Suddenly, Bax was on his knees in front of me, and he unwrapped my arms from around my waist, so he could hold my hands. He tried to get my attention, but I wouldn’t look at him. I couldn’t bring myself to further reveal my vulnerabilities. I had already exposed so much.
But not everything.
If he knew the one secret I still held—the worst act imaginable—he would hate me forever and possibly kick me off the trip. No one would want contact with such a horrible person, especially someone as kind, pure, and caring as Bax.
If Bax learns my secret, he has the power to kick me off the trip, and I can’t go back to Michigan and face Joel. I won’t survive the repercussions of leaving. So, to ensure my slot on this tour stays in tact, I will have to keep this secret locked inside forever.
A moan broke free, and Bax pulled me onto his lap on the ground. Even though I didn’t deserve to be comforted, I relished the fact that, I found comfort in his strong arms wrapped around me. Without qualms, I savored the solace Bax provided as I cried uncontrollably.
While in his arms, I let my guard down, finally allowing myself to feel the agony of the last five years.
For the first time since their funerals, I really cried over the loss of my parents, sister, and boyfriend. I wept for my mistakes, for the life I should have had, for having my innocence repeatedly stripped away from me in the most horrific way imaginable, for the need to become a shell of a person I’d once been out of self-preservation, and for realizing that I would never be someone my parents would have taken pride in.
Tears streamed down my face, and I hiccupped against Bax’s chest until sleep started to whisk me into unconsciousness.
Just before I dozed off, I thought I heard Bax whisper, “Shh, Libby. You’re okay. I won’t let anyone hurt you again. I swear it on my life.”
When I woke up, my head was cradled in Bax’s lap, and he had moved us from the ground to the park bench. Confident yet soft fingers sifted through my hair and played with the ends.
The sun had sloped behind the mountains, and the stars started to flirt with the darkening sky.
Unwilling to disrupt the moment of peace that was draped around us, I stayed motionless. When Bax knew I was awake, he would more than likely press me further about the horrid details of my earlier proclamation. And, even though I had just woken from a short nap, I was beyond exhausted. I didn’t have the energy to hash out the details of a subject I continually worked hard to forget.
“I don’t think any less of you, Libby. It’s quite the opposite really. You’re strong, and I know whatever you’ve been through must have been horrible. Even though I don’t know the specifics—or if you’ll ever want me to—you’re the bravest person I’ve ever met.” His voice was low, and he didn’t move, except for his hand massaging through my hair.
I wasn’t sure if he was speaking to what he thought was a sleeping me or if he knew I was awake. I continued to stay still.
Bax bent and kissed my hair. “Are you awake?” It was phrased as a question, but his tone informed me that he was aware I wasn’t still sleeping.
Time to face the music.
Slowly, I sat up and stretched. Bax’s lap was unbelievably comfortable as a pillow, but the bench left much to be desired. My back and neck were stiff, and my eyes were swollen and dry from my earlier breakdown.
I felt Bax’s attention on me, and when my gaze sought his, he gave me a sad smile. He brushed back a few tendrils of hair that had been stuck to the dried tears on my cheeks. In a moment of weakness, I nuzzled into his caress, my heart open and aching, still looking for comfort.
After containing my sorrow for years, letting it loose proved to be taxing, and gaining control of it seemed almost impossible. My grief didn’t want to be reined in and trapped in my head and chest for an immeasurable amount of time again.
Tears threatened to seep down my cheeks, so I took a steadying breath and cleared my throat. Turning my interest out toward the mountains, I noticed they were now bathed in dark shadows. I wondered what secrets they kept and if they slowly ate them from the inside out.
“Are you okay?” Bax shifted in his seat, so he faced me.
There’s that question again.
I didn’t think I would ever be okay, but dwelling on something I couldn’t change wouldn’t make it any better either.
With great effort, I tipped the corners of my lips up and nodded. “Yeah. Sorry I…dumped everything on you.”
Grabbing my hand, Bax raised it to his mouth and gently brushed his warm lips against my skin. It sent chills up my arm.
“You never have to apologize to me for anything, Libby. Most especially for opening up about your past. I’ve shared my demons with you, and I want to help you deal with yours when you’re ready.” He cupped his hand on my chin and tipped my head until I met his eyes. “I won’t press you for details—those are yours to give when you’re comfortable—but I want you to know I’m here, and I would never judge you or think less of you for anything. We all have shit happen to us, and every one of us deals with it differently.”
His hand slunk back into my hair to massage my aching neck with his strong fingers. “But, most importantly, I believe you, and it wasn’t your fault.”
His hazel eyes were so intense that it sent ripples through my chest.
Bax believes me, no questions asked.
Next to being raped, admitting it had happened was one of the most frightening and difficult tasks. That was why I had never acknowledged it out loud before. If I kept it quiet, I could try to pretend it had never happened. Yes, the fear and uneasiness followed me everywhere, but when the threat wasn’t staring me in the face or lurking around the corner or under my bed, I could act like it had only been a nightmare.
Added to that, I also knew no one would accept the truth because the only people I could tell were Julie and Ken—my attacker’s parents. And parents only wanted to see the best in their children. They didn’t want to hear the girl who had interrupted their lives by moving in after she had taken the lives of their golden son and their best friends say that the only son they had left had committed such a hateful act. It would be my word against Joel’s, and quite frankly, my word meant little to nothing to Julie and Ken.
But, mostly, I’d kept silent because I stressed about the backlash I would receive from Joel. Evil was in his veins; I had witnessed it more times than I could count. He was arduous in the way he stalked me, always changing his routine, hiding places, and habits. Part of the thrill for Joel was hunting me because the rape simply wasn’t enough. I’d try to make the situation too easy, so he would lose interest, but self-preservation would sometimes win out. On those days, I would try to hide, surround myself with a crowd, or only be home when Julie and Ken were, but it never worked. Joel’s stalking game was prime. And I’d quickly found out that Joel would get more excited when his parents were there; the threat of getting caught added to his sport. That meant it would be extra excruciating for me.
I was weak and a coward because my way of dealing with the horror that had become my life was to escape into myself to get through the unbearable act. My mind was a black hole sometimes, and I would let myself get sucked in, so I wouldn’t split in two by the shame and pain.
So, fear kept me mute. Silence was a shield and was most often worn to protect myself, the memory of my loved ones, and the ounce of hope I had about eventually escaping the situation.
“You’re a survivor.” Bax’s voice broke into my internal thoughts, bringing me back to the bench along the road. “I want to witness you break free from your shell, Libby, to start living again and not simply enduring.” His hands tangled in my hair. “Let me help set you free, Liberty, so you can live up to the name your parents gave you.”
I thou
ght my tears had dried up, but Bax’s thoughtful words sat in my throat and then tried to leak out of my eyes.
We had grown close over the last month and a half, but I still felt like he didn’t know me. His words, his support, and his kindheartedness proved he understood me better than I’d thought.
Somehow, Bax was always aware of what I needed to hear and feel, and he’d deliver the perfect words, the exact comfort I needed, and draw out the proper emotions at the right time for me. Obviously, it was a gift he had in dealing with people—or at least when handling me.
Leaning back, I broke our contact, and his hands landed in his lap.
My insides were churning from the memories of the torture I had been put through from Joel and also melting from Bax’s perfect words and the intense look in his dark hazel eyes.
When I found the courage to shift in his direction again, I noticed his tear-sodden T-shirt.
“Sorry about that.” I gestured toward the wet material stained with my black makeup.
The sight made me realize that I must look atrocious. I wiped my face, rubbing my eyes, and tried to clean the dark track marks I knew my tears had traced down my cheeks.
He looked down at his chest and then up at me with a grin. “No worries. That means I got to hold a beautiful girl.”
I shook my head and flicked one last glance at the mountains in the background. Even in the darkness, they stood tall and proud.
Maybe someday, I can do the same.
I stood and brushed my pants. “Ready to head back? I could use a s’more.”
Studying me, Bax took his time in standing. He reached for my hand and grasped it in his as we strolled back to camp.
When we reached our site, we were greeted with what sounded like a wild boar squealing in the night. It was dark with a dying bonfire lit in our pit, and Carly and Milo were nowhere to be found.
“Where are Carly and Milo?” I focused on the slew of empty beer bottles on the picnic table.