by Len Webster
“Don’t make me say goodbye,” she whispered with tears in her eyes.
He gently cupped her face in his palms and shook his head. “As long as you plan on saying hello to me in person in the near future, it’s never really a goodbye. It’ll never be a goodbye, okay?”
Nodding her head, she murmured, “Okay.”
Then he brushed away her tears that began to fall. “Listen to me, Josephine. I’m here. I’m in your life. Just like you’re in mine. People have walked away from you, and I was foolishly one of them. But then I turned around because you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I’m willing to live every lonely day in Melbourne so I can have two of the very best with you in Berlin. I don’t care how many times I have to make this trip. I’m not giving up on us. I love you. And if you need to be in Germany for longer than I want you to be, then you have my support. You have my love. But Berlin has my heart because you’re here, and I feel like I’m losing a piece of me, so I can come back and claim it off you again.”
“God, I want you to stay,” she cried.
Max pressed his forehead against hers. “I do, too. I’ll call you when I land in London,” he promised and then pulled back and placed a kiss on her forehead. “I love you, Josephine.”
Josie watched as the snow began to fall heavily over them. Snowflakes now riddled his brown hair, and the sight of him was one she would hold. Taking a deep breath to ease the burn in her chest, she set her hands on his hips and whispered, “I love you, too.”
And then he kissed her.
One final kiss before he left Berlin.
One final kiss she believed was full of his love.
One last kiss that had a tear escaping her.
One last kiss that promised a hello would be theirs soon.
“I have to go,” he said once their kiss ended.
Josie pressed her lips together and nodded. “Call me when you get to the airport and you’ve checked in, okay?”
“I’ll call you.” Max dropped his hands from her face. “Josephine, can you do me a favour?”
“Of course.”
“For Christmas …”
“Y-yeah?”
He smiled. “Can you please go spend it with your father? He’s the reason I was able to make this surprise happen. I know things between you are strained. They’re never going to be perfect, but it could be good someday. And I don’t want you to spend Christmas alone.”
She couldn’t hold back her tears. As hard as she tried, they fell. “O-okay. I’ll try.”
“That’s my La Vie En Rose,” he praised. “I’ll FaceTime you the minute I’m back home.”
“I’ll be here waiting.”
“I love you,” he whispered one more time then spun around and made his way through the snow-covered courtyard.
She watched him walk away.
And it was the worst kind of pain since her mother’s death that had infiltrated her chest and robbed Josie of her heart. Warm tears met the cold air as her feet began to move.
No.
He didn’t get to have the last word and leave her.
“Max!” she cried out as she ran faster, ignoring the fact she could slip on ice at any moment.
He turned at the call of his name, and Josie ran to him. She stopped when she reached him and set her palms on his cheeks.
Crying, she whispered, “I love you.” She kissed him deeply and pulled back. “I love you.” Another kiss. More tears. “I love you, Maxwell.”
And at that moment, he wrapped his arms around her and held her tight, comforting her as she cried through every kiss she gave him.
Max had given her something else that day.
The last word.
The last “I love you” said in person.
January
February
March
April
May
June
Berlin was beautiful in June.
It was summer, and the city was beautiful.
Josie stood by the pillars of Brandenburg Gate and listened to the tour guide give them a brief history lesson of the construction of one of Berlin’s most known landmarks.
“More fun this way, huh?” Josie asked her younger sister, Angelika, who licked her ice cream.
She nodded eagerly with a beaming smile on her face. “I wish Heidi could have come with us.”
“Yeah, me, too. But she has that ballet audition coming up to be part of the Berlin Youth Ballet. We can’t distract her,” Josie said as she bit into her wafer cone.
Heidi was auditioning for a spot in the Berlin Youth Ballet at the Berlin State Ballet School, one of the best ballet schools in Western Europe. When they were at lunch with their father, she had told Josie the news. She was so happy and ecstatic for her little sister. As promised, Josie had spent Christmas with her father and her sisters. Johanna was there, too. And because Josie wanted to live in peace, she accepted Johanna’s apology but told her that she had to earn her respect. Johanna was still trying, and Josie appreciated that.
Her relationship with her father was a slow build. They went from speaking once a week, to dinner once a week, to seeing each other every few days for lunch. It was nice. He was finally the father she needed. He gave her space when she needed, and when she was studying, he would bring her food and make sure she ate before he returned to work. Josie knew her mother would be proud of how well they were getting along. It was another promise she had fulfilled.
“Do you think we should have asked Lazlo if he wanted some ice cream, too?” Angelika asked as she looked over her shoulder.
Josie followed her gaze and smiled at the man in charge of their safety. It wasn’t easy to walk around Berlin unaccompanied because threats were often made against their safety. With Heidi and Angelika’s grandfather being the chancellor, it was never going to be normal. But Lazlo made sure Josie had space to do what she wanted without being put in danger.
“We can get him one on the way home. He’s working right now,” Josie said as she glanced down to find Angelika’s ice cream dripping down her hand. Digging into her jeans pocket, Josie pulled out a tissue and handed it to her.
“Danke,” Angelika said, reverting to German to thank Josie. She used to apologise, but Josie insisted that she speak it more often so she could learn from her.
“Gern geschehen.” You’re welcome. “How was that?”
Angelika beamed at her. “Perfect.” Then her smile faded. “Josie?”
“Yeah?”
“Why can’t you come to France with us next weekend?”
The tour group began to walk away, and Josie decided their skimming of free tour group guidance was over. She knew she and Angelika wouldn’t get in trouble because they had recognised Angelika as the chancellor’s granddaughter. Josie’s sisters had been very popular with the media during and after the election.
“I have so many of my law assignments due. It’s harder now that I do my degree online. Plus, I skipped last week’s online lecture, so I gotta catch up on that.”
“Okay, will we see you when we come back?”
Josie grinned. Her mother had been right. She had needed more love in her life. And her sisters’ love filled a hole she had in her heart. It made her feel purposeful. It made her feel wanted and needed. They made her feel loved. “Will you bring me a souvenir?”
“Definitely.”
“Well, I’ll be at the airport waiting. I told Dad that I’d see you guys off, and I’ll be there when you land.”
“You’re the best sister ever!” Angelika declared, causing Josie to laugh.
“Well, let me be the worst. Let’s get you back to my apartment so you can finish your homework. Our study break has gone on long enough.”
Angelika pouted. “Fine. We’ll go back.”
Josie spun around and waved Lazlo—who was a few metres away—over. “Time to go, Laz!”
He nodded, and Josie grasped Angelika’s hand, ready to walk back to the government car. Sh
e would much prefer it if they walked, but it was blistering hot, and Josie could tell her sister’s ice cream wasn’t going to last much longer.
Her father’s government car came to a stop outside her apartment. After studying and helping Angelika with her homework, Josie had taken her home. She chatted with her father and made light conversation with Johanna. Nothing deep or meaningful, just the standard pleasantries. Josie had stayed longer than planned, knowing Heidi would be home from the studio soon. She turned down an invitation to stay for dinner, citing she was behind on one of her assignments she had to submit to Jason by the end of the week. It wasn’t a lie. She was definitely behind, but she was sure she could hand it in on time.
She appreciated the moments with her sisters.
They made her grief easier to live with.
They were curious about her mother and wanted to hear stories.
It was nice to remind herself of all the good moments she had with her mother. And it was nice to be able to tell others of just what a wonderful woman she was.
“Thank you for picking up Angelika after school and spending the afternoon with her,” her father said, sitting next to her.
Josie smiled. “Anytime. Will I see you guys before you go to Paris?”
“We can do a family dinner. You are more than welcome to join us in France, Josephine.”
“Thank you, but I’m not ready for a family holiday away. As much as I’ve adjusted to being their sister, I’m not ready to be Johanna’s stepdaughter. I stayed in Berlin. I hope that proves I want to be in their lives.”
He grasped her hand, and she faced hm. “You didn’t have to prove anything. We were the ones who had to do all the proving. So I thought I should at least make sure you’re less lonely while we’re away.”
Josie’s brows furrowed. Besides Lazlo and a few of her neighbours, she had no friends in Berlin. “What?”
A knock on the window had her father’s driver winding it down from the driver’s seat. Josie peered past her father to find a familiar face smiling at her.
“No,” she breathed, shaking her head in disbelief. “You didn’t.”
“The past four months haven’t been easy for you. You deserve to have a good summer, too,” her father said with a smile.
He was right. The past four months had been hard on her. And she appreciated his support and kindness through it. Josie leant forward and kissed his cheek. “Thank you, Dad. This means more than you could possibly know.”
Jeff reached up and brushed away her tears. “I know. I’ll call you later.”
Josie scrambled past her father, pulled on the handle, and got out of the black sedan. When she stood straight, tears succumbed her as her chest expanded.
“Is this a German thing where we just stare at each other?” Stella Weller, her best friend, said with her own tears falling down her face.
“Stella,” she breathed as she threw her arms around her and held her tightly. Josie heard the car start and then pull away from the kerb.
“You know, I’m here, too,” a familiar male voice said.
Josie pulled away and turned to face him. “Hey, West.”
He grinned. “I’ve missed you, Josie.”
She let out a sob as she took in her two best friends. “I’ve missed you both so much.”
“Well, could you miss us both inside? Out of this heat? I mean, we know heat, but we just left winter, Josie. This is too extreme for us,” Stella teased.
Nodding, Josie reached into her pocket and pulled out the keys. West turned and walked through the gate. As they followed him to the entrance of her apartment building, Stella wrapped her arm around Josie’s and whispered, “We’ll talk.”
It took several hours of chatting before West finally declared that jet lag had won out and he needed to sleep off his “fucking exhaustion.” Josie had laughed and led him down the hall towards the bedrooms. Her apartment had four. There was the master bedroom with its one creaky floorboard, which was Josie’s room, and a room each for Heidi and Angelika for when they stayed over during the weekends and holidays. And the last room with the en suite bathroom was her guest room. It hadn’t been touched until she watched West scurry under the thin covers and fall asleep. She left the door open so that the cold air from the air conditioner would reach him. Then she and Stella walked back into the lounge room, and Josie began to remove her textbooks from the coffee table.
“Are you going to say it out loud, or do I have to?” Stella asked as she sat down on the cream coloured couch.
Josie set the constitutional law textbook Jason had sent her down with a sigh and lowered herself to sit on the floor. That mild, lingering ache in her chest now became a painful throb as the tape that held the pain back was ripped off.
“He broke up with you, Josie,” her best friend reminded.
She blinked at Stella, unable to find the words she would need to assure her that she was okay. That she had gotten over Maxwell Sheridan. That she didn’t love him anymore.
“You haven’t had a chance to wallow,” Stella stated, referencing Gilmore Girls.
“I’ve wallowed. I’ve had four months to,” Josie finally said.
February.
Max had broken up with her in February.
Two months after she had last seen him and kissed him.
She should have seen it coming, but she didn’t.
She ignored the signs.
She had held on, thinking they were forever.
But time and distance won in the end.
And Josie and her heart were the battered losers.
“You still love him.”
To her horror, her heart’s pain over Max was evident in her tears. It was the first time she had cried over him in two months. She covered her face with her palm and accepted that she hadn’t wallowed.
She had buried her pain with denial.
But she knew the truth.
“I still love him,” she sobbed into her hands and conceded defeat.
July
August
It was nearing the end of August, and Josie knew it was closing in on a year since she had last been home.
Almost a year since her mother died.
Almost a year since she left Australia for Germany.
Almost a year since she left behind her life and responsibilities. She was lucky her mother’s lawyer was in no hurry to execute her mother’s will without her and that there were no other family members to contest her mother’s final wishes. Emily’s store was sold to Viviane, who had been managing it and was also a friend. The house was sold, and Stella and West had cleaned it out and put everything they thought was important in storage for Josie. It seemed her life back home was no longer hers.
Josie had formally quit her job at the Little Bakery on Little Collins Street. It had been the week after Max had broken up with her. She called Ally Moors at the end of February and told her it was time she moved on. Ally had understood and wished her well.
Besides Stella and West, Melbourne had nothing for her.
Not for six months.
Not since Max had broken up with her.
“Ms Faulkner,” Laz said, getting her attention.
Josie glanced up from her phone and noticed the apology in his eyes. “Everything okay?”
“Traffic up ahead. We might be late picking up Miss Heidi from her ballet class.”
“Do we still need to do the necessary security protocols?”
“Yes.”
Josie sighed. “Of course.” To make sure they weren’t followed by the media or any people of interests, they always took strategic turnoffs when needed. When it was Josie going from point A to point B, security protocols were relaxed. But with Heidi, she wasn’t going to risk it. “I’ll message her, and she’ll get my text when she finishes.”
“Okay.” Laz’s eyes focused on the road.
In her ten months in Germany, Laz had become dear to her. He even taught her the phrases in German that she couldn’t quite get.
He’d even been her date to the Australian and German Unity Ball at the Australian Embassy. It was an event hosted by her father, and the chancellor had even made a short appearance. She had asked Laz because it meant she didn’t have to find an actual date. It also meant no unnecessary background checks would be performed.
Josie opened her text messages and found one from Stella. Noticing that she still had time to spare before she had to text Heidi, she read her best friend’s text.
Stella: Don’t hold this against me but I actually miss Berlin. I mean, I miss you, too. But I miss the atmosphere! We’re going to some German festival in the city. That’s how much we miss it. Seeing you in November is too far away.
She let out a small chuckle.
It had surprised both Josie and West when Stella had fallen in love with Berlin back in June. Having her best friend there was what she needed to let out all the emotion and pain she’d buried. Sure, Josie loved her sisters, but they were still too young to understand love and heartbreak. Josie wanted to spare them from it.
But with Stella, she let it all out.
She cried for a full day before Josie stopped the tears and showed Stella and West around Berlin. Josie felt like a tour guide. She had explored the city when she wasn’t studying law, discovering her favourite places in the city. The same places Josie had shown her best friends. It included Kaiser Wilhelm Memorial Church, Berlin Cathedral, and Berliner Dom.
The two weeks Stella and West had spent with Josie was a blessing.
Those two weeks were a relief for her heart as she could concentrate on being happy with people who loved her.
Shaking her head, she told herself to concentrate and reply to Stella.
Josie: It’s like three months away. It’ll be snowing towards the end of your trip. We can also fly to Austria if you and West want to.