A heavy sigh rumbled out of my chest, carrying the weight of all my dreams and visions with it, leaving behind clear feelings of longing at the thought of Bijarki. Who was I trying to fool?
The future kept bringing us together. My own mind and body had turned against me, pulling me toward him with every chance they got. As closed off as I’d always been, there was no point in denying this any longer.
I was attracted to Bijarki, and—assuming he wasn’t an outright liar, which he’d given me no reason to believe—it seemed to have nothing to do with his seduction tactics. It was all me.
My breath hitched every time our eyes met. I could lose myself in those pools of liquid mercury and deep blue. My skin prickled under his touch—in my visions, in my dreams, and in real life. His military demeanor made him come across as strong and incredibly attractive, on top of what he’d been gifted with by nature.
Why was I fighting so hard against him, against what I felt toward him?
There was no point. Muzzling my emotions was only going to make things worse, as already evidenced by my outburst that morning. Why not give into it? Why not just feel it all?
A different kind of warmth enveloped me. It felt like the air was pouring into me, filling my lungs as I exhaled tremendous amounts of pure relief. A smile lit my face. I looked around. It all seemed brighter, more vibrant and open to me. As if nature was smiling back at me.
I could feel it in the wind, the breeze whispering in my ears. I could smell it in the air, particles of wilderness and soft summer scents. I could feel it in my very soul.
I looked down at the candle. The flame burst back to life all by itself with playful flickers inside the jar. I gasped, overwhelmed with excitement.
I did it!
It hit me then, as I remembered Zerus’s words. He’d told me to let go, encouraging me to live, to love, to open myself up and let everything in. This must have been what he’d meant.
I bent over the jar and placed one hand above it.
Unbelievably simple. Just give in to the feelings, and the fae power comes to life.
I moved my fingers around and watched as the flame followed the motion, more intense and fluid as it swayed and licked at the glass. I raised my hand, and the flame followed, a thin orange thread extending from the wax all the way out of the jar, an inch from my finger.
Happiness engulfed me as I let the flame dim back down and resume its timid burn below.
I’d finally found my answer. If I wanted to command my fae abilities at will, I had to give in to everything I was feeling, allow myself to ride the wave of my emotions whatever they may be, rather than ignore or shut them out.
To become the best version of myself, I had to first be myself.
How proud Zerus would be of me now, I thought with a watery smile. I just wished he and my parents could have been here, standing around me in this moment to see it.
Phoenix
[Hazel & Tejus’s son]
I must be dreaming.
I couldn’t feel anything. I could see and hear, but I had no control over my body. It felt like I was watching a movie in which I was the protagonist. The script had already been written, but I didn’t know where it would take me.
The magnolia tree towered above me in blotches of pale and bubblegum pink framed by a clear blue sky. I saw the plantation house behind me, untouched by time or decay. There was a soft breeze blowing against my face, coming from the dark jungle beyond the swamps. Whispers and lost thoughts traveled along with it, brushing past my ears as if the wilderness was trying to tell me something.
I didn’t know what I was doing there. Just moments earlier I’d been surrounded by bloodthirsty shape-shifters with nothing but the Daughters’ knife to defend myself. The thought of Jovi and the woman he’d been trying to save from the swamp slammed into me.
Where are they?
It all felt like such a long time ago. I worried about him. I worried about myself. I saw my hand rise and reach the back of my head. I’d fallen during my fight with the shape-shifters. Everything had gone dark.
I looked around, but there was no sign of anyone. I wanted to go look for him. Maybe he was still in the swamp. Maybe he’d made it out. Either way my body didn’t listen. I wanted to get angry and fight against it, but I couldn’t even do that.
It was as if something had taken over my limbs and my brain, forcing me to watch whatever it was about to do with me.
I looked down. My boots stood on a bed of fallen magnolia petals. The familiarity of it all ignited me. The Daughter was beneath me, sleeping in her shell deep underground.
Is this a vision?
I had no other choice but to let go of my thoughts and see where it took me. My eyes were fixated on the ground. My boots started to sink in, swallowed by petals the size of my palms. The earth was slowly but surely eating me up.
I should have panicked and tried to claw my way back out, but I had no control over my body and a lingering feeling of knowing where I was being taken.
The world above disappeared as I was engulfed by darkness, dirt, and magnolia tree roots. The roots were a most peculiar shade of red, glowing and pumping life into the sleeping Daughter’s shell. Under normal circumstances I would have suffocated, but here I was still alert.
Next thing I knew I was standing in front of the familiar shell. It had changed its appearance. Deep red veins crossed its pearlescent pink surface, drawn from the magnolia roots above. Whatever was flowing through them, it glowed in a precise rhythm, like a crimson heartbeat.
My chest tightened, the first physical feeling that I experienced in that state. My thoughts ran to her. She was inside, hidden from everyone and everything. I could feel her heartbeat resonate inside my ribcage.
Nothing else mattered. I just wanted to see her again.
I watched as my body was pulled toward the egg by an invisible force. The sensation of soft fingers touching my face lingered before I was drawn inside the shell. The hard casing didn’t object to my body going through it. It dawned on me then that my presence was more spiritual than physical. Whatever I was feeling was directly connected to my very soul. The longing she’d nurtured in me stemmed from it.
A brilliant light glazed over me. I found myself lying inside the shell, facing her. The Daughter slept, curled up in a fetal position, her reddish pink hair flowing around her with no regard for gravity. Her body was covered in a delicate shimmer, its soft light pulsating to the rhythm of the shell’s red veins, which converged into her back as if feeding her.
I watched her for a while and listened to the sound of her heartbeat echoing around us. It was calm and comforting. Her lips were a spicy red, glistening under the light. They parted slightly.
I could stay here forever.
Her pulse echoed inside of me, too, drumming in my ears, and I felt it accelerate as she opened her eyes. If I’d had breath at that moment, it would have stopped. Instead, I felt myself burn under her gaze, two pools of electric indigo storms beckoning me to surrender my entire being to her.
Her lips moved slowly, as if she was saying something, but I couldn’t hear her.
I wanted to speak to her, I wanted to tell her something, but I had no control over my mouth. She kept talking, and I felt rage bubbling up inside of me as I became increasingly desperate to find out what her voice sounded like, to understand her.
But then something incredible happened. Her words started to resonate and emerge clearly inside of me, in my own voice, rising up and translating into electrical signals that my mind recognized as coherent sentences.
She was projecting her words into me, and it was a superb and intimate feeling, as if she’d reached deep inside and touched my very soul without moving a muscle.
“Wake me up, Phoenix,” she told me, in my voice.
How do I do that? I thought as I watched her lips stretch slowly into a faint smile. Her beauty was out of this world. I would do anything for her.
“The knife, my darling.” H
er answer came tumbling like a rock, as I started to feel my body again. Slowly but surely I was drifting back into consciousness.
But I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to leave her. I needed more time.
“I need you,” she urged me as a sharp pain stabbed me in the back of my head.
Pitch blackness came over me and took her away.
Aida
[Victoria & Bastien’s daughter]
The past twenty-four hours had been petrifying. Seeing Field’s injuries and his subsequent drift in and out of consciousness had rattled me.
As I’d cleaned his wounds, I’d gone through different emotional stages, from fear to grief to anger and back, unable to focus on anything other than making sure Field would recover fully from those deep cuts. The thought of losing him had punched me in the stomach, and I’d been struggling to snap out of it ever since.
I’d slept out of necessity that night, as my eyes no longer listened and kept closing of their own accord.
By midnight, Field had already gotten up and gone out flying again, but I was still reeling from it all in the morning, which further added to my frustration. Not only was I head over heels for him, but I’d been faced with the prospect of losing him, and I didn’t know how to cope with such a horrible feeling. Loss wasn’t something that I was ready to experience.
I wasn’t too happy about Jovi leaving with the group to reach out to the Red Tribe either. The jungle was full of dangerous creatures ready to tear into us with no hesitation, a fact dramatically proven the day before when they almost died rescuing Anjani. I took comfort in the fact that my brother was strong, fast, and a fierce fighter; his wolf genes increased his chances of survival in pretty much any circumstance.
The Druid had given us instructions before he left, asking Vita and me to keep pushing ourselves and to use the herbs to further tap into our visions while they were away. We’d said yes, and we’d meant it, too. However, as the sun rose lazily over the plantation house and as we looked at each other from either side of Phoenix’s bed, both Vita and I silently agreed to leave the Oracle stuff for later.
She’d been through enough as well with that emergency treatment of Phoenix, and she’d been spending a lot of time watching over him. The kind of violence that we’d been subjected to over the past few days wasn’t something that Vita was used to, and neither was I, for that matter. Training for GASP and surviving bloodthirsty shape-shifters were two very different experiences.
I sent her outside to get some fresh air that morning, as she was starting to look worryingly pale. I’d watch over Phoenix for a while; it was a good opportunity to analyze everything that had happened and the way I’d responded to yesterday’s events.
I needed to clear my head, and the cool, dark basement was as good a place as any.
I sat on a bed next to Phoenix’s and absentmindedly watched him in his deep sleep. His chest rose with each breath in a slow and stable rhythm, nearly hypnotic. My mind drifted to Field.
I hadn’t seen him since the previous night, before I’d fallen asleep. He’d given me a warm smile, telling me he’d be back before I woke up. Yet, he wasn’t there at dawn. A pang in my stomach reminded me of my longing to see him, to make sure he was okay and that he hadn’t flown into another bunch of shape-shifters overnight.
As if answering my inner pleas, Field emerged from the staircase, and I was unable to move at the sight of him. I watched him walk across the room with wide and heavy steps. His long, black hair was tousled from flight, and his turquoise eyes were fixed on me. I couldn’t read his expression, but I could feel my cheeks burn as he closed the distance between us.
He stopped by Phoenix’s side and looked at him. Concern was etched into his sharp features. His brow furrowed, and his lips forming a tight line.
“How is he doing?” Field asked, his tone low, as if not wanting to wake him up.
“Still sleeping.” I shrugged. “It’s a waiting game now and up to him to wake up.”
He looked up at me, and my heart stopped. Every damn time he shut my system down just by looking at me. It was becoming a struggle to be around him, and yet I couldn’t stop myself from relishing each moment.
“And how are you?” he asked.
I shrugged again, mentally slapping myself for being unable to say more. To be honest, I wasn’t sure how I was doing anyway. Physically I was okay, keeping an eye out for any Oracle transition signs, occasionally glancing at myself in reflective surfaces in case more runes decided to play with my mind.
Everything else was a jumble of emotions tossed around inside of me, from missing our parents and The Shade, to worrying about Jovi and my friends in face of the deadly threat of Azazel, his Destroyers, and the jungle wilderness.
The most prominent of these emotions was, however, focused on the man standing in front of me, asking me if I was okay.
Field moved around the bed and came toward me. He stopped in front of me, and I prayed that he didn’t hear my breath hitch at his close proximity.
“Thank you again for what you did yesterday,” he said, his eyes half-closed. “You didn’t have to.”
“Was I supposed to let you die from your wounds?” I replied, my inner wolf feeling playful and snappy, anything to distract me from his devastating effect on me.
“Somehow I don’t think you’re capable of that.” He grinned, two greenish blue gems drilling into my heart. He sat next to me on the bed, and the mattress moved under his weight. His arm brushed against mine, and I tried to hold on to my self-control. I had no comeback.
A few silent moments passed while we both watched over Phoenix.
“It’s been a rough few days. I can only imagine what you must be going through,” Field said, not looking at me.
“I guess it’s a process,” I replied. “Trying to cope as best as I can without flipping out, really. One day at a time, right?”
He nodded. “Nevertheless, you’ve been incredible, Aida.”
I turned my head in surprise and found him looking at me. Heat washed over me, and I felt my heart pounding into my throat. He’d given me a few such candid surprises lately, and I was trying to figure out where they were all coming from.
“I think you’re exaggerating a bit, Field,” I said, my voice so weak I could barely hear myself.
He shook his head. “No, I’m telling it like it is. Your strength and resilience are admirable. You’d be an asset to GASP.”
He’d never been so forthcoming about my GASP potential before, even when I’d spent hours tackling my brother to get GASP’s leaders to consider me for official training and a slot in the organization. I’d spent nights reading through encyclopedias of the supernatural, trying to keep up with the guys on the theoretical side. I’d never given up on the possibility of joining GASP, even when I’d been told I was too young. Because I was half-human, Benjamin and Derek—and my parents, for that matter—wanted me to be a bit older before I made the official leap. That had never stopped me, though. I’d persisted.
Deep inside, I’d always wanted Field to acknowledge me as his equal. I’d yearned to stand beside him, to wear the GASP insignia with pride, and to show him just how strong I was, how far I’d come from the chunky little half-wolf girl.
With a single phrase uttered in the most unexpected moment, Field told me everything I’d imagined hearing for years, and I didn’t know how to react to it.
“I guess I never knew I had it in me, huh?” I quipped lamely, while my inner wolf kicked me.
“Yeah, the best of us comes out in the most difficult situations,” he replied. “Most of us don’t realize how strong we are until we’re faced with something that seems impossible to overcome.”
I nodded, unable to take my eyes off him. Faint shadows flickered over his face as he watched Phoenix. He passed his tongue over his lower lip, then bit into it slowly. I instinctively mimicked his gesture, sinking my teeth into mine until it hurt a little—anything to keep myself under control.
�
�Maura and I broke up,” Field said, knocking me out of my reverie. It took me a few seconds to process the fact that he’d just said that, and to me of all people. He looked at me again. “This time for good.”
He waited for me to say something, while I tried to decide whether I should fake my surprise or just keep my cool. He tipped his head to one side when I failed to respond.
“You knew,” he concluded.
A different kind of heat engulfed me, burning my ears. I was embarrassed and didn’t know how to get myself out of this one. I had to explain myself to him, before he got any wrong ideas. I hadn’t felt this awkward since I’d realized at the age of seven that all my wolf hair made me very different from the other girls in The Shade.
“Serena overheard you by accident when you were talking about it,” I said slowly, eyes fixed on the dark green tiles on the floor.
He turned the upper half of his body to better face me, and I felt like I was in trouble like that little girl again. A mixture of surprise and amusement drew a faint smile on his face.
I braced myself for whatever he had to say in response.
“Why didn’t you say something?” he asked.
It occurred to me that my guilt was misplaced, since the only reason why I knew in the first place was because Serena had told me. I took a deep breath and regained my composure.
“It wasn’t my place to say anything, Field.” I looked at him. “I figured you’d say something when you felt ready. There was no point in me being nosy about it. It’s bad enough Serena overheard and told me about it. I had no right to make it worse. Besides, you needed time to cope, to come to terms with the situation. I can only imagine what you’ve been going through, but whatever it is you’re feeling, it’s yours and yours alone to either share or keep to yourself.”
I surprised myself with my emotional wisdom, and, judging by the blank look on his face, I’d surprised him too. Several seconds passed before he reacted. Turquoise flames flared in his eyes as he smiled—a different kind of smile, one I’d never seen directed at me before.
A Shade of Vampire 44: A Tangle of Hearts Page 10