by Barb Han
“They shipped her off. I did what every love struck nineteen-year-old would do. I ran away to look for her. It took me a year to find her.” His gaze dropped. His hands trembled. He was holding back his emotions with everything he had.
Rae’s heart nearly tore into pieces.
“By the time I found where they’d stashed her, she was dead. Suicide.” His hands fisted.
“And you’ve been blaming yourself ever since.” Damn. Is this the reason you held back? Too scared to allow another woman in your heart?
His shoulders quaked.
Rae pulled him into an embrace.
His body stiffened, and he pulled back. “Why didn’t you tell me you had family?” He turned the tables.
Little did he know how much they had in common. “I’m afraid we’re swimming in the same boat. I don’t know him. I mean, obviously, I had a father. I remembered him. But I had no idea where he went or what he was doing. For all I knew he was dead. Oh, but I fantasized about him.” A hot tear leaked from her eye.
Daegen wiped it, tucking a loose tendril of hair behind her ear. “What happened?”
Rae didn’t want to go into that now. She didn’t want to feel like that six-year-old standing on the edge. Crying. The pain so overwhelming she didn’t think she would be able to breathe. “It doesn’t matter.”
His gaze traveled over her, assessing. “Your mother?”
That she could talk about. Rae shrugged. “She took off with another man before I could sit up.”
Everyone leaves.
“I’m sorry.”
Rae could see him kneeling there with his pain raw and exposed. Part of her wanted to tell him just how much she understood. To comfort him. And find some relief herself. But the other part of her couldn’t expose a vein in that way. She felt a bond growing between them as they shared their pasts, and part of her was afraid to scare it away by pushing for more.
“Doesn’t matter. I didn’t know her,” she said with a nonchalant air she didn’t own.
Daegen’s gaze paused thoughtfully on hers. “Then tell me more about your father.”
The invisible band tightened around her chest as her shoulder blades felt an all-too-familiar pinch. She didn’t talk about her father with anyone.
Daegen’s hand squeezed hers and the band loosened. “I want to know everything about you.”
She hugged her elbows into her chest and rubbed the goose bumps from her arms. “I was six when he turned me over to CPS.”
Anger flashed across his features. “Why would any man do that?”
“He was injured. Couldn’t work. We were starving.” She didn’t expect a man like Daegen to understand the hopelessness that came with not being able to provide for a family.
He flattened her hand and pressed a kiss to her palm. “Do you know what happened to him?”
She shrugged. “We had no other family to help us out. He said I was getting too skinny.” A beat later came, “I’m not sure who cried harder the day he turned me over to child welfare services.”
“What happened to you?”
Pain ripped through her chest like a serrated knife. “I was sent to a farm to live with foster parents. There were half a dozen of us sleeping in the same room. They took in kids to keep the farm going. Guess we were cheap labor.”
Rage flashed across his features for an instant. His expression was otherwise kind, understanding, and not at all what Rae expected. Her heart warmed.
“That explains a lot.”
She watched him intently. “What does that mean?”
“Why you seemed so focused on your work before. I’d never met anyone so fiercely determined to make it on her own.”
The words were a reminder of how much she’d failed. They stung. “And here I am depending on you.”
“Accepting help when needed doesn’t make a person weak.”
She lifted her brow. “When was the last time you counted on someone else?”
He locked onto her gaze. “Today.”
The cloak of darkness that had enveloped her heart far too long released its grip. A little more light. A little more warmth.
She took a deep breath and continued. “By the time I found my father again, he was dying in a low-budget government run home.”
“But you saved him.”
An avalanche of emotion flooded her. “I got him this far.”
“I sure as hell hope he’s grateful.”
A puff of air burst from her lips. “He doesn’t even want to live.”
“Why would you think that?”
“I don’t. I know. He doesn’t have to die. He’s given up.”
Daegen’s lips drew together thoughtfully. “He isn’t going to want to live any more if he knows how tired you are. He’s most likely blaming himself. If you look exhausted, he’ll feel even worse.”
Stunned, her mind spun and she needed a chance to carefully process Daegen’s words. “I-I can’t think about myself right now.”
“When do you ever?”
Panic gripped her. This was too much, too fast. She gathered herself, sitting up. She had to put up a wall between them if she were going to survive. Sharing as much as she had felt about as comfortable as opening a vein and bleeding out. What made matters worse was how close she felt to him. Dangerous emotions.
She couldn’t afford to lower her defenses.
She’d been foolish to think any real happiness could last. She would not leave herself vulnerable to that kind of pain again. Because she could scarcely breathe as it was.
Rae craved the comfort of home.
Only where was that?
Because she’d come dangerously close to believing home was wherever Daegen was. And how ridiculous was that?
Daegen was logic personified. He’d taken an emotional blow. He reached out to her and shared a piece of himself for the first time. It wouldn’t be long before his sensible mind took over and he closed himself off again.
And there she’d be...her heart wound tight in a dark blanket.
Everyone leaves.
It was too easy to forget the fact when staring into those dark exotic eyes. Eyes that were too dark to be brown and weren’t quite black.
Chapter Seven
“Do you want food? You didn’t eat much at lunch,” Daegen said. His concern was evident in the lines on his face.
“I can try.” Knowing her father was on his way and receiving the best possible care settled her nerves. She was surprisingly hungry. She should work, but campaign files were the last thing she could concentrate on. Would she have a job to go back to? She doubted it. Walt had spelled out his intentions clearly with his attitude.
Daegen feathered a kiss on her palm before disappearing.
Her thoughts wandered to the boy. It was almost incomprehensible to think of Daegen Tan as a father. Although, when she really thought about it, she’d seen him in tender moments. Especially since she’d returned. His son would be fiercely protected.
Even so, she remembered how adamant Daegen had been about never having children. He was a bachelor through and through. His lifestyle wasn’t set up for diaper genies and staying up all night consoling a teething baby.
The image of Daegen wearing only his boxers with a sweet baby curled over his chest almost brought her to tears. Hey, maybe you wouldn’t be such a bad dad.
Daniel wasn’t a baby. In fact, he was dangerously close to being a teenager. What was he like? She didn’t see any of Daegen in his features. Had he inherited his father’s personality? Or had a lifetime of poverty beaten him down?
Anger surged through her when she thought about the sparse food she’d been given on the farm. She already knew he was too thin. Had he been treated the same way in the orphanage?
A stone weight centered on her heart and ground in.
She retrieved the photo from the nightstand and stared at it. She thought about all the lost years without his dad. Every milestone Daegen had missed. Daniel’s first steps. His first words.
The first time he used a fork.
His expression was too serious. She bristled. Has anyone ever tucked you in a warm bed at night? Made you feel safe?
Or did he lay awake every night, like her, praying his father would show up and rescue him? She’d held onto a variety of fairytale worthy fantasies of the day her own father would arrive. He’d show up strong. Capable. He’d roar up on a four-wheeler fresh from an overseas adventure. Or on a motorcycle. Then there was the fantasy he’d show up on foot, tired and desperate, having gone for days without food and water because he needed to find her.
She sure as hell hadn’t expected to find him weak in a hospital bed in a broken-down facility. The memory crashed down on her, making it difficult to breathe. She pulled the covers up to her chin.
Daegen returned with a tray. “I wasn’t sure what sounded good.”
Red apples cut into slivers, pasta, and grilled fish. He remembered her favorites. “Looks amazing.”
She pushed up on her elbows as he placed the tray on her lap.
He fluffed her pillows and checked her forehead. “The doctor said to keep the bandage dry. I can help you bathe after you eat.” He pushed a chair next to the bed.
An image of Daegen’s hands on her flashed in her mind, sending a sensual current skittering across her nerves.
“I’ll be okay. Lucky for me stupidity can’t kill you.” She smiled weakly.
“Caring about others more than yourself isn’t foolish,” he said, picking up a piece of fruit and feeding her. His gaze lingered on her lips.
Her cheeks felt flush. Her body warm. The tension between her shoulders melted. She exhaled slowly.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, concern written across the wrinkles in his forehead.
“Nothing. I’ve been needing to really breathe for a long time.” Her vision blurred and a tear escaped.
His hand warmed the skin of her arm where he touched. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
She’d felt alone for so long. His words were a warm blanket wrapping around her tired heart. She didn’t fight the other tears. They fell freely in sweet release.
Let me take care of you, his earlier words caressed her.
****
The view from the kitchen window was marred when a helicopter set down. The dishes weren’t put away when several men in suits exited the whirring helicopter.
Daegen turned to her. “I have to go. Don’t wait up for me.”
She was reminded of how important a man he was as he pressed a kiss to her forehead.
She watched out the window as he climbed onto the chopper and it roared away.
The rest of the evening was quiet. She was surprised at how much her heart hurt. Even fighting with him was a hell of a lot better than being without him. Loving him was beyond ecstasy.
Pain from missing him was a weight on her chest. She needed to get a grip. She would learn to ignore the cavern inside her rib cage that left her feeling hollowed out.
She sighed deeply and curled up in bed.
The next morning, she was surprised to wake to Daegen’s face hovering over her.
“Good morning, beautiful.”
She was unable to imagine a better sight to wake up to even with her mixed emotions. Not only was he real, he sat right there on the edge of her bed talking to her like she was fully clothed. She wasn’t.
He had to remember she slept al fresco.
Then again, she could still be asleep having the best dream ever.
Not a chance.
Daegen was no dream. He was there in the flesh not a foot away from her naked thigh. A thin sliver of sheet was the only barrier. Her arms folded as if they would be enough to keep him away from her if he really wanted to touch her. It was all she could do to keep her hands from trembling. Her body already betrayed her. Awareness skittered across her nerve endings causing them to hum. The insides of her thighs burned with a need to be touched. Her breasts were heavy and straining. Nipples peaked.
“Have you been here long?” A heat rash formed at the base of her neck and moved up to the skin on her face similar to the trail of kisses he’d left there not so long ago.
“Not very.” He sat on the edge of the bed as he handed her a fresh cup of coffee. His tense expression caused her to think the worst—that something had gone deathly wrong.
“Everything okay?” she asked, knowing full well things would never be okay in her own world again. And yet, she’d held onto the tiny thread of hope for so long now she couldn’t fathom letting go. Giving up was her father’s gig, not hers.
“Your father’s doing well. I checked on him this morning.” He paused a beat. “I’ll take you to see him as soon as I get word he’s able to receive visitors.”
“Thank you. The trip must’ve been exhausting.”
“The doctor said your father took it quite well. Guess it was his first time on a plane. He wore himself out sitting up to look out the window.”
Rae smiled. Taking the cup being offered, she sipped the fresh brew. It was perfect. Of course. All of life was better when Daegen was around.
****
Enough of Rae’s silky skin was exposed to tent Daegen’s jeans. He shifted to ease the strain on his zipper. Being so close to her while she wore nothing but that supple skin of hers set his nerves on fire. His fists clenched around his coffee mug to stop his fingers from going rogue and touching her. She smelled floral and clean, and like early morning.
He wasn’t there for a sexual tryst. Although the thought curved his lips into a grin without his permission.
Daegen wanted to tell her he missed her more than she could ever imagine last night. He flew all night to be near her when she woke. Seeing her in the guest bed again, instead of his where she belonged, was practically unbearable.
But, what was he offering her exactly?
He didn’t know. He’d forced her back into his life. He needed her to arrive freely in his bed. Even though he’d tried to do just that—force her. And she’d chosen to sleep in the other room.
It was probably just as well until he sorted through his emotions. Even so, he didn’t like it.
****
Hooded, Daegen’s eyes revealed nothing, and yet Rae knew him well enough to tell he was troubled. She told herself he was probably just tired. Unless, of course, he wasn’t only working while he was away. Maybe he visited his girlfriend. She hadn’t considered that unsettling possibility before.
“You worked late last night?”
“Not exactly.”
“Oh.” His gaze was intent on her.
He looked at her long and hard. His eyes were smoky and dark. A storm brewed behind them. Rae knew exactly what put it there. It made her cheeks flush. He probably wished for no-strings-attached sex.
Sex had never been their problem. She couldn’t deny the fact they fit together physically in every possible way.
Sex with Daegen was good. More than good. Mind-numbing. Mind-blowing sex.
And yet there was so much more to it than that.
The emotional connection she felt even as their bodies were stripped naked, bare, felt more like they had both put down their armor and were absolutely and completely...safe.
The feeling was addictive.
Her fingers came alive, tingling at the thought of mapping his every muscular curve.
But she couldn’t go there.
There was too much at stake for her. Obviously, being together meant so much more to her. And that was fine. She was attracted to him. He to her. They’d obeyed an urge so primal it had long been around before them and would outlive them both.
Yet looking at his hollowed eyes, she could barely stop herself from reaching out. From touching him. From allowing her fingers to run free grazing those beautiful lips of his and wandering over that fantastically masculine chest.
Get a grip.
This kind of thinking would only get her in trouble. She’d risked enough already. She could risk no more. She shoved the though
t down deep, reminding herself she depended on no one.
Her mantra had always comforted her in the past. Why did it feel so hollow now?
She swallowed her disappointment along with another sip of coffee. Fine. But it wasn’t fine, and Rae had a sinking feeling life would never be fine again.
She reminded herself to keep control over her emotions this time. His body, that was one amazing thing to be sure, but it was his heart she craved. And she was frustrated because she’d been so sure of herself three years ago, certain that he too in fact wanted more than just a physical connection. But he’d held back. He wouldn’t open up and talk about himself. He wouldn’t allow her to get closer. He wouldn’t allow her to love him.
Now, he’d opened up about his son and the woman he once loved. He’d shared his past and made her feel special. Daegen was different this time.
But did people really change?
One thing was certain, no one else could provide the security she—and she alone—could.
Looking at him as he sat there, she realized how conflicted he looked. Probably as tormented as she felt. Because her body, with barely a thin sheath of blanket covering her, craved his touch.
Before Rae could rationalize her desire, her arms were reaching for Daegen’s strong, broad back. She could no longer bear the thought of him going away without having felt his tender kisses along the nape of her neck one more time. The tortured, tender expression he wore had her wanting to comfort him.
As he turned, she caught a glimpse of his hard maleness straining against his jeans.
He cupped her face with his hands and brought her lips to within inches of his. In barely a whisper, he breathed her name, “Rae.”
She barely let out a y-e-s as his lips pressed against hers.
His fingers tunneled into her hair as he pulled her face even closer and his tongue surged inside her mouth causing an onslaught of electrical impulses to tingle her nerve endings. She was helpless against the feeling, against him.
“I want you,” his gruff voice said, husky with need. A need so strong, so tangible it was almost like a physical presence in the room. “You’re not alone.”
She rasped a deep breath, sat straight up, and started to speak.