‘Yeah,’ he agreed. ‘No hugging potential at all.’
Lily sighed. She was finding this separation so much harder than she’d expected. She wished she was brave enough to ask Daniel how he really felt about being apart from her.
At Ironbark, there’d been so many unspoken reassurances from him—in the way his eyes lit up when he looked at her, in the way he touched her, the way he made love to her.
These days her mind threw up constant pictures of Ironbark, with its rolling paddocks and its sleepy, slow river, and the half-circle of ancient palm trees standing sentinel around the homestead. And she felt a deep longing—for Daniel and his home.
‘Where are you now, Daniel? Which room in the house?’
‘I’m in the study.’
‘In that big brown leather chair with the high back?’
‘Yes,’ he said, sounding faintly amused. ‘That’s the one.’
‘I can see you.’ Smiling, she closed her eyes and imagined him there. ‘You’ve taken your boots off and left them outside the back door, and you’re just wearing socks. Navy blue ones. And you’re leaning back in your chair with your long legs stretched out in front of you, crossed at the ankles.’
Daniel laughed.
‘Am I right?’
‘Spot-on,’ he said. ‘I can’t believe I’m so predictable.’
‘I can’t believe I got to know you so well in under a week.’ She spoke in a kind of hushed and awe-filled whisper as she realised how deeply she felt about this man.
‘That was a very special time, Lily.’
Something about the way he said that scared her suddenly—a sense of things past, gone for ever and never to be retrieved.
‘I won’t be able to get away till Fern is strong again, but I was wondering if you and Jess could come here and visit us, now that we’re back,’ she said, needing to shake off that feeling of foreboding and rekindle the happiness and confidence that had filled her at the start of the conversation.
‘Yeah,’ said Daniel. ‘That sounds great.’
‘Sugar Bay’s only about half a day’s drive from your place. The weather’s beautiful this time of year. Jess’ll love the beach. It’ll be fabulous. Let’s set a date.’
‘Maybe—’
Lily hurried on. ‘And as soon as Fern’s mobile again, I promise I’ll come out to Ironbark to spend some time with you and Jess there.’ Lily paused and waited for Daniel’s answer. When it didn’t come, she said, ‘What do you think?’
Daniel sighed.
Her heart began an anxious thumping.
‘I might—We might need a little more time, Lily.’
‘I see,’ she said slowly. But she didn’t. She didn’t see at all. She’d thought Daniel was as impatient to get back together as she was. ‘So, you don’t want to set a date?’
‘I have to be honest with you. I don’t think Jess is quite ready to deal with the idea of—us. As a couple.’
Lily sat very still, unable to speak. She looked dully about her at the bright mishmash of furnishings in Fern’s sitting room and she thought, This is it. It’s happening all over again. As soon as I fall deeply, heart-and-soul in love with a man, it happens.
Daniel was going to break it off. And she didn’t know if she could bear it.
‘Lily? Are you there?’
‘Yes,’ she said, praying that she wouldn’t embarrass herself by bursting into tears.
‘Jess has been rather difficult,’ he said. ‘There’s been a lot for her to adjust to.’
‘Yes, I understand.’
The worst of it was that she did understand. She could imagine herself in Jess’s shoes at the age of eleven.
‘I guess it’s just like I warned you,’ she said. ‘Jess feels fiercely possessive about you now. I imagine she doesn’t want to share you. Certainly not with a strange female.’
‘That’s it. You’ve pretty much hit the nail on the head. It helps that you understand.’
No, it doesn’t, Lily thought, with a kind of wild desperation. It doesn’t help me at all.
‘And what about you, Daniel? How do you feel?’
She heard a soft sound on the other end of the line that might have been a groan or a sigh.
‘It’s a really delicate situation, Lily.’
She felt shaky, and she wanted to cry.
‘I need to play it very carefully,’ Daniel said. ‘After all, I dragged Jess away from Sydney with the promise that her life back home would be just the way it used to be. As far as she’s concerned, the way it used to be is just the two of us. That’s how it’s been since before she started school, and it’s what she expected. It’s what she wants. Right now, I don’t know if she can handle the idea of anything more.’
There was something terribly final about the way he said that.
‘That’s—that’s understandable.’ Lily was grateful that she managed to sound together, even though she was terrified inside. She was gripped by a mad impulse to say, I’ll wait. I’ll wait till Jess grows up and leaves home, if necessary.
But she knew she couldn’t begin to talk about a prolonged separation without breaking down. She’d been humiliated that way before. She’d tried to negotiate all sorts of pathetic bargains with Josh, when he’d first shown signs of wanting to leave her. She wasn’t about to go down that path again.
‘It’s probably best if we call it quits now, isn’t it?’ she said, very hurriedly. ‘Otherwise we might be trying to drag out something that’s never going to work anyway. There’s no point in prolonging the agony.’
‘Lily—I—’
‘I’m sorry, Daniel. I think I can hear Fern calling. I’d better go. Goodbye.’ And she hung up.
I can’t believe I let that happen.
Daniel sat in a horrified daze, staring at the telephone.
What have I done?
When he’d answered the phone and heard Lily’s cheerful voice, he’d felt a leap inside him, like a shout of joy. It happened every time; whenever he thought of her he was instantly happy. Lily Halliday was the most exciting woman he’d ever met—lovely to look at, and so much fun to be with. Sensitive and loving. Divine in bed. She’d helped push away the darkness that had haunted him after prison.
Covering his face with his hands, he pressed his fingers against his eyes and stifled a cry of angry despair.
Lily was the woman he should have wooed and won.
He knew that with damning certainty. He’d never met anyone like her, and he never would again.
But how was a future with her possible? When she’d asked him to come to Sugar Bay he’d thought of Jess, and he’d known at once that the trip wouldn’t work.
If he tried to leave Jess with a babysitter she would resent being farmed out, but if he took her to play gooseberry while he courted Lily she would be worse. She would pout and sulk. He would get angry. Lily would be upset. It would be a disaster all round.
And he couldn’t, in all honesty, blame Jess.
The poor kid had already suffered enough at her parents’ hands. A jailbird father and a runaway mother who had subsequently died were more than any child should have to deal with.
He couldn’t dump a new set of hurdles in front of her. Not yet.
Damn, damn, damn. It was painful to accept, but he knew that Lily had probably been wise to end things between them.
Lily was young and beautiful. Wherever she went, there would be guys lining up to win her. Why should he expect her to hang around, waiting till he and Jess let go of their past and woke up to their future?
* * *
I can’t believe I let him go.
Lily sat on the edge of the bed in her little room at the back of Fern’s cottage, hugging her arms tightly over her stomach.
How could I do that?
How could she have broken up with Daniel? She was mad about the man. She was totally in love with him. Didn’t he know that?
But his daughter loves him too, and she deserves him more.
; There was the rub.
Lily had spent so many years feeling hurt about the way her own father had deserted her; she knew only too well how Jess must feel. She could imagine why Jess might want to put up barriers between Daniel and a new woman.
But the irony is that I was the one who sent him after you, Jess. I bullied and cajoled your daddy into reclaiming you. You want to cast me as some kind of wicked wannabe-stepmother. But I understand exactly how you feel.
It was so unfair.
If only she could fight for Daniel. Lily wanted to. Desperately. But she couldn’t fight with his daughter. That was the one battle she would never begin, the single territory she dared not invade.
But, dear God, losing Daniel was too high a price; it was unbearable. Without him what was the point of anything?
A heart-rending wail of despair broke from her, and she fell backwards onto the bed, giving in to her tears. She felt as if her last chance of happiness was draining away.
CHAPTER TEN
IT WAS ALMOST nightfall by the time Daniel and Jess walked back from the stockyards to the house. They took their time, enjoying the last of the day, while Smiley scampered around them, chasing after the stick Jess threw for her.
There was still plenty of warmth in the air as they walked through the last of the purple twilight. Cicadas buzzed in the trees, katydids peeped in the grass, and from the stockyards came the occasional bellow of a calf, missing its mother.
‘I wish we could just order out for pizza tonight,’ Jess said.
‘Yeah, pizza would be handy. I must say, I’m not in the mood for cooking.’ Daniel threw an arm around her skinny shoulders. ‘You ever miss the big city?’
She smiled up at him and shook her head. ‘Not really. Just some things, like take-away pizza and going to the movies.’
‘Well, with a little planning we can get a frozen pizza from the supermarket for the weekend, and a movie from the video store.’ As they reached the front steps, he suddenly remembered. ‘Actually, I think Lily—’ He broke off and cleared his throat. ‘I think there’s a pizza left in the freezer.’
Jess didn’t respond.
But she didn’t object, either, when Daniel found the frozen pizza and put it in the oven.
While it heated, and the aroma of tomatoes, mozzarella cheese and Italian herbs began to fill the kitchen, Daniel sat at the table and read the local paper, drinking a pre-dinner beer.
Jess filled Smiley’s feeding bowl and poured orange juice into her favourite glass with stars painted on it, and then she sat at the other end of the table to begin her homework by searching through old magazines for pictures of tropical fruit.
It was a very cosy scene, Daniel supposed. Domestic bliss in a country farmhouse. Pity there was a vital someone missing from the scene.
Whoa, there. Mind-slip.
He mustn’t allow himself to think about Lily. Whenever thoughts of her threatened, he used the old blanking-out routine. But every so often—about a thousand times a day—she’d slip though his defences. He’d think of her, and the deep, raw pain of losing her would catch him, like a lingering war-wound, bringing a rush of sweet, heartbreaking memories.
‘Daddy, can I ask you something?’
Daniel looked up from the paper he wasn’t really reading. ‘Sure, Jess. Fire away.’
‘What was it like in jail?’
He felt his stomach sink. ‘Why do you want to know that?’
‘Because you were there. For so long. And I hated not knowing how you were. When I was at Grandma’s you sent me letters, and they were great, but you didn’t say anything about what it was like, or what you were doing.’
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’d want to know.’
‘But I did. I still do.’
‘Well…it wasn’t much fun,’ he said carefully.
‘What was the worst thing?’
The worst thing. Had there been any one worst thing? Daniel didn’t want to talk about it. He wanted to put it behind him, to protect Jess and keep it hidden.
She was watching him with wide, worried eyes, and he wondered what untold horror she was imagining. Perhaps he owed her the truth.
‘The lack of privacy was the worst thing,’ he said quietly. ‘And I really found it hard to have someone else take total control over everything I did—what I wore, what I ate and how long I slept. I couldn’t choose my company, or who I worked with.’
‘Were the other men very awful?’
‘Some of them. But not all. Things got better when I was moved to the prison farm.’
Jess hunted in her pencil case for a small pair of scissors, found them and began to cut out a bunch of bananas. ‘Were you ever happy there?’
Daniel thought about lying, and changed his mind. ‘No, Jess, I can’t say I was. Maybe I should have found a way to be happy, but I didn’t. I just wanted to get it over and done with.’
‘What about now?’ she asked quietly. ‘Are you happy now you’re home?’
Stunned by her question, he spluttered, ‘Of course I’m happy.’
‘Really happy, Daddy?’
Feeling cornered, he made an expansive gesture, taking in the glowing oven and Smiley wolfing down her dinner in the corner, the table scattered with Jess’s school things and his newspaper.
‘Look at me,’ he said. ‘I’ve got a fresh intake of calves out in the yard, the prettiest little daughter in Australia, a well-fed dog. A pizza in the oven. And you have to ask me if I’m happy?’
Jess pulled a face. ‘You don’t seem especially happy.’
He took a swift swig of his beer. ‘Don’t I?’
‘Not the way you did when you first brought me home from Sydney. You were really, really happy then. All kind of bubbly and excited inside. But now you’re just—I don’t know. Not totally sad, but…’ She eyed him with an incredibly grown-up kind of scrutiny. ‘You look like you might be nursing a tormented heart.’
‘Nursing a what?’ Daniel stared at her in open-mouthed shock—shocked firstly that Jess should use such words, and secondly that she’d described so exactly how he felt.
He’d been trying so hard to keep his feelings under wraps. ‘Where on earth have you heard about “tormented hearts”?’
She had the grace to blush, and she tapped her scissors against the cover of a magazine. ‘I read it here. There’s a story about a television actress whose boyfriend dumped her.’
The oven pinged, and Daniel seized the chance to jump up and look busy. He removed the pizza and set it on a round cane mat in the middle of the table.
‘Get a load of this,’ he declared, with forced enthusiasm. ‘A perfectly melted and toasty pizza. Aren’t you hungry, Jess? Come on. Where are the place mats and plates and napkins?’
He fetched a sharp knife, began to cut the pizza, and Jess hurried to collect the other necessary items from the dresser. But when they sat down to eat she only nibbled a little of her pizza slice, then set it back on her plate.
‘What’s the matter?’ Daniel asked her. ‘This is ham and pineapple. It’s your favourite, isn’t it?’
Instead of answering, she reached over to her school bag, which she’d left on a spare chair, and pulled a little drawstring bag from it. She set it, with a clunk, on the scrubbed pine table-top.
‘I’ve found them all,’ she said, and then she opened the strings. ‘It took me ages.’ Three painted stones tumbled out onto the table.
‘Oh…’ Daniel stared at them. ‘That’s…great.’
‘You never checked to make sure I found them.’
‘No, I guess I forgot.’
‘They got a bit chipped.’ She picked up the stone with the male face. Part of the nose was missing. ‘This one’s the worst. Sorry.’
‘Jess, that’s OK. I’m glad you found them, but you really should get on with your dinner. Pizza’s not so hot when it’s cold.’
He smiled at his joke, but Jess ignored it. She nibbled some crust. ‘I’m not really hungry.’
&n
bsp; ‘Of course you are. What’s the matter? You’re not sick, are you?’
She shook her head, but she continued to sit there, watching him, biting her lip and looking upset. Using her fingers, she picked a piece of pineapple from her pizza topping and popped it in her mouth. ‘I’m worried,’ she said at last.
‘Why, sweetheart? What’s the matter? Has something happened at school?’
Again, she shook her head, and this time she looked as if she might cry.
‘Tell me what it is.’ Daniel was getting more anxious every second, but he spoke in his most comforting, fatherly voice. ‘Dads are pretty good at fixing things.’
‘Well.’ Jess heaved a huge sigh, as if what she had to say was very difficult to get out. ‘Why don’t you talk to Lily any more on the telephone?’
Whack!
Her question landed like a smart bomb—right on target, in the centre of his chest.
At first he couldn’t think of a single answer, and then, lamely, he said, ‘We’ve both been too busy.’
Jess rolled her eyes to the ceiling. ‘I know that’s not true.’
‘Why do you mind anyway, Jess? You didn’t want me to talk to Lily. You didn’t like it when we talked.’
‘But you liked it, Daddy,’ Jess insisted. ‘You liked Lily. You shouldn’t have stopped phoning her just because of me. Not if it makes you horribly sad.’
Daniel gaped at his daughter in dumbfounded dismay. What on earth had provoked her outburst? He’d been trying so hard to wipe Lily from his thoughts, trying not to be miserable—or at least not to let it show. For Jess’s sake.
‘When I was in Sydney, I tried to make everyone think I was happy,’ Jess said. ‘But I was only pretending. All the time, at school and at Grandma’s, I was sad on the inside. Missing you.’
‘Poor baby,’ Daniel whispered, too choked to say more.
‘I really, really don’t want you to feel like that, Daddy.’
And then she burst into tears.
Lily pulled a cotton shift over her bikini and gathered up her beach things—sunglasses, hat, sunscreen, a paperback novel—and went through to the kitchen, where Fern was waiting for her.
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