by Pamela Yaye
“Yes, you did.”
Tyrell directed his eyes to L.J. and said, “I have nothing going on tonight, Autumn. That’s why I came to see you, babe.”
“Well, thanks for stopping by, Tyrell. Drive safely.” She shoved him in the direction of the parking lot. When he stumbled over his feet and almost wiped out on the pavement, Autumn curbed her compulsion to laugh. Now was not the time to get her laugh on.
“I’m in no rush,” he explained. “Besides, we weren’t finished catching up.”
Autumn’s eyes darted between her ex-boyfriend and her new one. The two men were glaring balefully at one another. L.J. had the searing look of an assassin in his eyes. He was itching for a fight and just waiting for a reason to strike first. When L.J. squared his shoulders and moved forward, Tyrell flinched. And just like that, Autumn’s anxiety lapsed. There would be no rumbling tonight. Tyrell was trying to play it cool, but the scent of his fear pervaded the air.
Tyrell glanced at his watch. Autumn was right. He did have somewhere he had to be. But he wasn’t going anywhere until he left her with something to think about. “Don’t forget to call me about dinner, Autumn. Like I said earlier, I’ll take you anywhere in the city you want to go. Pick the time and the place and I’m there.” Swaggering toward his car, he added, “Money’s no object, babe, you know that.”
L.J. watched the lanky fool fade out of sight. “What was that all about?”
“Nothing.”
“If that was ‘nothing’ then my eyes must be playing tricks on me.”
Autumn ran her fingers though her braids. Where did he get off being angry? she thought. He was the one who was over an hour late. Not her. If he had been on time, boredom wouldn’t have driven her outside, Tyrell wouldn’t have surfaced and they wouldn’t be on the verge of their first argument now. “Why are you just getting here? You were supposed to be here—”
“Don’t change the subject, Autumn. What was your ex doing here and why were his hands all over you?”
Tyrell had not been all over her, but she wasn’t about to debate the point with L.J. It was their last night together and she wanted to spend it in bed, curled up in the safety of his arms, not standing by the pool arguing. She didn’t even care that he had missed dinner or that he hadn’t offered an explanation for being late. He was here now and that’s all that mattered.
“Like I said before, Tyrell was in the neighborhood.”
“Why do I get the feeling that you’re lying to me, Autumn?”
“I’m not.”
L.J. started to press her for more information, but stopped himself. It didn’t matter what Autumn said. Her body was saying all kinds of things and he knew deep down that she was lying. Her shameless flirting with Tyrell, coupled with her nervous mannerisms and shaky tone were all the evidence he needed. He had been in this predicament before and as much as he cared for Autumn, he couldn’t overlook the writing on the wall: Autumn was still in love with her ex. The sounds of early evening filled the air, and provided a temporary distraction until she spoke again.
“I’ll tell you why Tyrell came over.” Autumn didn’t want to tell him, but she didn’t have much of a choice. L.J. was eyeing her suspiciously, his mouth was set in a frown and if his brows got any closer together, he’d have one long eyebrow. “Tyrell came here to ask me to give him another chance. He apologized for taking me for granted, said he’d made a mistake and asked me if I was willing to try again.”
L.J. swallowed hard. “And what did you say?”
After dating a hothead like Tyrell, Autumn knew what jealousy looked like and L.J. was beginning to turn green. She could be way off base, but maybe, just maybe he loved her, too. Encouraged, she went on. “I told him I was in love with someone else. A man who makes me feel loved and worthy of his time and affection.
“This may be hard to believe because we haven’t been together long, but I love you. What I’m feeling for you is as real as the stars that shine at night and the sun that brightens the day, and when you kiss me I melt. Every time you reach for me I feel loved and cherished. I’m not asking you for an engagement ring or a lifetime commitment, I just want an opportunity to see this thing through. For the first time in my life I can say I know exactly what I want and it’s you, L.J. Saunders.”
Autumn waited with bated breath for his response. She looked up at the cerulean sky, enthralled with the thick, bubblelike clouds forming beyond the sun. The scent of rain in the air was potent, but not as strong as her desire to escape. She thought of making a break for the back door, but shook off the idea.
It was difficult for Autumn to gauge his mood, so she searched his face for signs. His eyes held no answers and the same mouth which had whispered arduous words just last night was mute. Autumn didn’t know what was taking L.J. so long. Either he loved her and he wanted to be with her or he didn’t. It was that simple.
“I don’t know what to say,” he croaked.
“You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to know how I feel.”
An unnerving silence settled over them. He was watching her with pity in his eyes, but made no moves to comfort her. The last thing she needed was to start bawling in front of him, but there was nothing she could do to stop her eyes from watering.
I should have kept my feelings to my damn self! What was I thinking sharing my heart with him? Autumn blinked hard as she struggled to hold on to the little pride she had left. She couldn’t—wouldn’t—cry in front of him. But the realization that he didn’t love her forced a lone tear to spill out of the corner of her right eye. Autumn brushed it away before it had the chance to hit her cheek. What they’d shared was nothing more than a few nights of wake-the-neighbors sex followed by the customary pillow talk. No strings. No commitments. No happily ever after.
“Things are complicated on my end, Autumn… I’m… There are things I have to deal with back home… I…”
Autumn couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Excuses flew out of L.J.’s mouth in rapid-fire fashion. Over the last six weeks, he’d opened his heart to her and she had done the same. Sincere talks stretching well into the dark of night, promenades around Rock Creek Park and the unreserved giving of their bodies to each other were evidence enough of their love. If that wasn’t love, Autumn didn’t know what was.
She eyed L.J. through blurred vision. She didn’t know if it was the chlorine stinging her eyes or his rejection, but her eyes felt as if they were on fire. She rubbed the burning sensation away, but it only seemed to make it worse.
“You’re a special woman, Autumn. Fun-loving, sagacious, genuine and there isn’t a man in this world that wouldn’t be proud to call you his girl.”
Then why don’t you want me? she found herself asking, but wasn’t brave enough to speak out loud. Then, to complicate matters further, L.J. used the standard line from the player’s handbook.
“It’s not you, Autumn. It’s me.”
Had he been playing her from the beginning? Playing the part of a considerate, caring lover and saying all the things he knew she so desperately needed to hear? Autumn struggled with the notion. But when she took a good look at him, she saw further evidence of his deceitfulness. He was shifting his feet as though he was doing the Electric Slide, and he couldn’t look her in the eyes. Autumn had seen enough. She evened her shoulders, lifted her chin and held her head high. She might be sniffling on the inside, but she would project poise and class. “I need to get out of this bathing suit before I catch a cold.” She paused, hoping he’d say something—anything. But he didn’t. Instead, he gazed off to the horizon, his eyes betraying nothing. “I guess I’ll, um, see you at the rehearsal on Friday.”
Autumn didn’t wait for his reply. She spun around and sprinted across the lawn as fast as her feet could take her. Tears were streaming down her cheeks by the time she reached the back door, and she was gasping for air. She wrestled to get her key into the lock, her heart thrashing around in her chest. Autumn made it to the fourth floor in a bilio
us haze, but had herself semi-composed by the time she entered her apartment. Or so she thought. When she caught sight of the bottle of white wine chilling in a bucket of ice, the chocolate-covered strawberries piled high into a crystal bowl and the heart-shape candles around the kitchen table just waiting to be lit, she broke down again. She’d gone to all the trouble of making their last night together memorable, and it was for nothing. They were over.
How could I have been so stupid? How could I have been so wrong about him? Autumn had given her body to a man who had wanted nothing more than a plaything and once he’d had his way with her, he’d discarded her like an old pair of sneakers. Autumn didn’t need months of therapy or counseling to know where she had gone wrong. She had made the mistake of following her heart instead of listening to her mind and now she was paying the price.
Autumn dragged herself into her bedroom. She plunked down on the edge of the bed and hugged a pillow to her chest. She felt as though she didn’t have a friend in the world. She wanted to be alone, but at the same time she longed for the comforting ear of a friend—specifically Regina Carrington-Nelson. She knew if she called her, or any one of the other group members, they would be there in a heartbeat with a tub of ice cream and all the Angela Bassett movies their hands could hold. But she didn’t want anyone to see her like this. She had gotten herself into this mess and she would get herself out.
Chapter 17
“Where in God’s name have you been? We’ve been waiting over an hour for you!”
Mumbling a half-hearted apology, Autumn brushed past Melissa and into the overcrowded boutique. Vainglorious bridesmaids of all shapes, colors and sizes, wearing gowns in an assortment of styles and in every color under the rainbow, jockeyed for position in front of the mirror. Frazzled seamstresses busied themselves returning gowns to plastic bags, and sales personnel ensured that wineglasses remained full.
Yvette wagged a finger in front of Autumn’s face. “Speak of the devil! I just called you. Figured maybe you and L.J. were still in bed.”
“Oh, that’s why you’re late,” Melissa teased. “Well, I guess I can’t be too mad at you, then. I know what that’s like.”
“Is he waiting for you back at the love nest?” Yvette asked, all too happy to continue the ribbing. “Or are you meeting him later at an undisclosed location for another secret rendezvous?”
Melissa lobbed her arm around Autumn’s shoulder. “I bet your apartment’s hotter than a sauna! Quick, someone call the fire department!”
Yvette and Melissa screeched like two hyenas, leaning against each other for support. But when Autumn shrugged off her jean jacket and took off her sunglasses, their laughter dried up. Dark, ugly circles underlined her dull brown eyes and rice-size pimples dotted her normally flawless skin. Tangled braids had been gathered in a high ponytail and she was wearing a crumpled sweat suit.
“Damn, girl! You look like you slept in your car.” Yvette pressed the back of a hand to Autumn’s forehead. “Are you sick? You sounded fine when we talked yesterday.”
Autumn knew the boutique was no place to have a breakdown, but tears were coursing down her cheeks and splashing onto her sweatshirt before she could ward them off. She allowed Yvette to help her over to the sofa. “I’ll be okay. I just had a rough night, that’s all.”
Yvette’s mouth stretched into a frown. “A rough night? Autumn, you look like you’ve had a rough month.”
After tossing and turning for the duration of the night, Autumn had hauled herself out of bed and into the shower. After two cups of chamomile tea, she had set out to make herself look presentable but there was only so much eye cream could do. Autumn had used the chilled cream until the puffiness faded, but there was little she could do about her hopeless mood.
Melissa cradled Autumn in her arms like a newborn baby. “Tell us what happened, word for word and don’t leave anything out. Did you take my advice and tell L.J. how you feel?”
Autumn blew her nose so loudly a roly-poly Black woman shopping nearby shot her a dirty look. Sniffling, she turned a blind eye to the shopper and the sympathetic looks she was receiving from female passersby. “Yeah, I took your advice.”
“And?” Melissa prompted. “What did he say?”
A few tears later, Autumn said, “Nothing. He just stood there gawking at me like I’d just asked him to be my baby’s daddy.” She took the tissue Yvette offered, and blew her nose again. “I feel like such a fool. I should have kept my mouth shut.”
Melissa dropped her arms from Autumn’s. She looked guilty, obviously feeling that if it wasn’t for her meddling, her best friend wouldn’t be bawling all over herself now. She had bullied Autumn into going out with L.J., then had advised her to share her true feelings and now Autumn had a broken heart. In a matter of seconds, she came up with a solution to Autumn’s problem. “Don’t worry, I know what to do to fix this. I’ll have Peter talk some sense into him. He’ll come around. I’m sure of it.”
Autumn shook her head wildly. “Mel, please don’t. That’ll only make things worse. Besides, if L.J. doesn’t want to be with me of his own free will than I don’t want him.” She put a brave smile on her face. “Don’t worry about me, okay? You have a wedding to get ready for.” Autumn felt a bit better when a wide grin broke out over Melissa’s face. She added, “I just need some time to get over what’s happened. Once I get him out of system, I’ll be fine. You’ll see. I’ll be back to my old self before you know it.”
Autumn would have an easier time wheedling an invitation to the White House than of eradicating her memories of L.J. Their hearts were intertwined, and their bodies had molded into one flesh to become whole. And in loving him, Autumn had learned to love herself. He had treated her with a tenderness she had never known, and with him, she had experienced unconditional love in its truest form.
“Men are strange animals,” Yvette announced, smoothing Autumn’s untidy hair as though she were one of her school-aged daughters, “and we can poke and prod and pore over all the psychology books we want, but we’ll never know what’s really going on inside their heads.”
“I guess that’s why I have such rotten luck with men. First Tyrell and now L.J. Maybe it’s me. Maybe there’s something about me that attracts these kinds of men. Maybe I unconsciously seek out men who…”
Yvette couldn’t believe her ears. She had never heard Autumn in pity-party mode and it was disheartening to hear her demean herself. When it came to men, Autumn had always been the sensible one; she and Melissa were another story. “Now you’re just talking crazy. There’s nothing wrong with you, girlfriend. You’re a sweet woman with a big heart and any man who can’t see that isn’t worth your time. I don’t care who he is.” She wrapped her arms around Autumn and gave her a tight hug.
Autumn found a smile. “Thanks, Yvette.”
“No problem. And if you don’t think you can handle walking down the aisle with him, we can swap spots.”
Fear streaked across Melissa’s face. “Absolutely not!” She didn’t want to come off as heartless, but she couldn’t risk a crisis on her wedding day, either. No, there would be no swapping of any kind. Each groomsmen had been hand-picked for each bridesmaid, and no one, not even her best friend, was going to meddle with the order. Melissa turned to Autumn and rested a comforting hand on her shoulder. “I know you’re hurting, Autumn and I’m here for you, believe me, I am. But Saturday is supposed to be the happiest day of my life. I can’t spend the whole day watching you and L.J. when I am supposed to be making eyes at Peter. Swear to me you won’t let your issues with L.J. interfere with the wedding. Swear!”
“Mel, I promise. I wouldn’t dream of spoiling your big day.” Autumn meant every word. She wasn’t going to let anything ruin this weekend. Her best friend was getting married and there was nothing more important to her than that. Autumn would rise above her feelings, and not give this situation another thought. “I’m going to get a massage this afternoon, eat some comfort food and get a good night’s rest. And
tomorrow, when I see L.J. at the rehearsal I’m going to be kind and friendly, even if it kills me.” And she was sure it would.
Melissa took a deep, calming breath. Relieved, but still wanting to be there for her friend, she patted Autumn’s shoulder. “Don’t lose any sleep over your squabble with him. Your confession probably just knocked the wind out of the poor guy’s sails. Give L.J. a few days and then try talking to him again.”
“But I don’t have a few days. He leaves Monday morning for Atlanta and who knows when I’ll see him again?”
Melissa’s eyebrows arched, then she let out a slow laugh. “And you guys say I’m a drama queen? Stop being so melodramatic, Autumn. You’ll see him all the time once he moves to New York.”
“What?”
“L.J. took the position the New York Knicks offered him, and he’ll be moving to the Big Apple before the end of the summer.”
Why would L.J. keep such wonderful news from me? Unless… Autumn couldn’t bear to finish the thought. “I didn’t know anything about this, Mel. Are you sure he accepted the job?”
“Positive. That fiancé of mine has been talking my ear off about it all week. I can’t believe L.J. didn’t tell you about it. Peter says he’s really excited about the position.”
Autumn took a moment to digest this new piece of information. L.J. was relocating to New York? He would be easily accessible by train, plane and automobile and a love-struck fool with the body and endurance of L.J. Saunders could make the journey by bike if he was that desperate.
Mrs. Vanderbilt’s throaty voice broke into Autumn’s reprieve. “We’ve been waiting a long time for you, Ms. Nicholson. Now, please, follow me.”
Blowing her nose one last time, she got to her feet. Autumn didn’t even want to think about her bridesmaid gown. All she need now was for the dress to be too small, which would be evidence that she had gained even more weight, and then she could officially declare this the worst day of her entire life.
Streaks of lightning and the distant sound of thunder weren’t formidable enough to drive L.J. inside. Mattress-thick clouds marked the sky, indicating the storm’s imminent approach. He watched a flock of geese fly over in a willowy V and vanish into the heavens, and wished he, too, had the means to disappear.