by Sosie Frost
“You have no idea what you did.” I tossed my clothes into a bag and rushed to the bathroom for my toothbrush and makeup. “The neighborhood is going to implode. I have to go back.”
“Where?” He stood in my way. “To your Granna’s?”
“Yes.”
“But you’re pregnant! What are you thinking? That neighborhood isn’t safe!”
“It’s perfectly safe—thanks to Granna.” I didn’t bother asking him to move. He read it in my expression. “Despite anything you guys ever did for it.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Not fair? You know what isn’t fair? The kids on that street. No homes. No school. No food in their bellies or place to sleep. Granna took them in. She kept them safe…especially when the police wouldn’t. Those kids have no one now. I have to go help.”
“We’re working on the case—”
“She doesn’t have the money for a lawyer, and the police know that. You think they care about some old lady who fed and clothed a bunch of gangbangers they’ve been trying to arrest?”
“Evie—”
“She is the reason that neighborhood—my home—hasn’t destroyed itself. Because it didn’t matter the colors, who your family was, or what you had to do to survive. Everyone was safe there.” I couldn’t even look at him. “And now she’s gone.”
“And you want to go there?”
“Someone has to keep the peace.”
“It’s not going to be you.”
“And it won’t be you either!”
He exhaled, staring at the floor. Couldn’t meet my eye. “We’ll find a way to fix it.”
“Fix what? There’s nothing left now. It’s over.”
“I’m going to make this right.”
“You can’t. You never could.” The tears stung my eyes. “We’re done.”
“What?”
“You made your choice.” I picked up my bag, slinging it over my shoulder. “I’m making mine.”
“Evie—”
The neighborhood collapsed after that.
He’d been right.
It wasn’t a safe place for a pregnant woman. Or a mother. Or a sister, brother, friend, family. Without Granna, the block destroyed itself.
My home wasn’t a home, but it was all I had. All any of those people had.
And when she left?
When she was taken?
That betrayal was unforgivable.
I thought I knew misery, but nothing was ever as terrible as the news that came after. When Granna had died. When the very people who were supposed to protect the community arrested the one person who had kept the peace. She worried herself into a heart attack, and that was it.
Gone forever.
And with her…any trust I had for him.
I rubbed my temples. The answers were there. Buried and painful.
Nothing I ever wanted to experience again.
Maybe I had wished so hard for the pain to stop…it had come true?
I picked up my phone, staring at the name buzzing on the screen.
I answered the text as the tears burned in my eyes. Going home. You know where that is. Meet me there.
I didn’t bother reading the response. I shoved the phone in my pocket and pitched the untouched coffee. Clue grumbled from the stroller, but she was waking up.
Good. She’d be awake in time to see the truth. And I prayed that the answer wouldn’t destroy us both.
The only bus route through Center Avenue stayed on the main street and didn’t deviate onto the more dangerous blocks—the ones with graffiti on the boarded windows, rusted fences with sprouting grass peeking from the sidewalks, and cars with tinted windshields waiting in the street.
I tried to get off the bus. The driver took one look at me and the stroller and extended an arm.
“Miss, you sure you know where you’re going?”
I recognized this street. Didn’t like it, but I knew where I was. “Yeah. I can handle myself.”
He didn’t believe me, but he opened the door. Clue and I hit the road, and the bus pulled away.
At least it was still daylight.
Every instinct in my body tensed, but I could stay safe during the day. Most everyone kept to themselves anyway. No need to start any problems.
Only one way to solve them here.
The sidewalks crumbled just off the major street, and the alleys and roads had been ground into a series of potholes. The whole neighborhood was bordered by apartments built in the late sixties—buildings that were rotten by the seventies, ugly by the eighties, destroyed in the nineties, and lost now.
But families lived here. Kids played in the street, moms walked with strollers in the sunshine, and the poverty united everyone…provided they played by the rules. Reds on one side…Blue on the other.
Instinct guided me. I let myself wander. My feet chose the path, skipping loose stones and crossing the street to avoid sketchy looking buildings with open doors and debris spilling onto the porch.
I wasn’t scared—but I didn’t let my guard down. No need to judge the people I’d left behind, even if I knew getting away from this place and the danger was the greatest thing that could have happened to me.
And it was all Granna had ever wanted.
A busted up pickup truck sat on the corner, the driver’s door wide open. No one waited near it, but the two teenagers—hardly old enough to drive, scoped out the interior, cracking jokes and whistling as they spotted the keys tucked into the ignition.
Fools.
I marched over to them, parking my stroller in their path before they made a very unwise decision.
“Get away from the truck,” I said. “Don’t you have any sense in your head?”
One of the teens grinned at me. “Easy, momma. We got this.”
I pointed to the obvious set-up. “This is a bait car. There’s someone undercover probably sitting right down there…” I studied the neighborhood. A dark Ford parked two blocks down, in clear view of the truck. I pointed. “There. The cops are waiting for you to take it so they can bust you. Get your asses home before they decide to frisk you.”
The kids swore, threatening a variety of ends to the police who happened to be watching—but they scampered away, protecting their five hundred dollar shoes before the Department of Corrections confiscated them.
Or some desperate punk jumped them from the shadows for a chance to sell them.
I’d seen it before.
Those weren’t the memories I wanted back.
Granna’s house had once been the very center of the neighborhood, the division between two sets of gangs, and the only safe place in the middle of a forgotten warzone.
But now?
The house was destroyed. Boarded windows. Rotten stairs. The front door was just gone. I didn’t risk going inside. Not with the needles visible from the street.
This wasn’t how it was supposed to be.
Granna’s home once had flowers outside. Pretty little bushes and delightful pansies and herbs and ferns that shielded the rickety house from most of the ugliness in the neighborhood.
Her living room was a warm and loving place. Soft furniture. Cozy blankets. Books…so many books. She loved hardbacks, and the kids in the community used to buy her dozens at a time. Or steal them. But she didn’t question it. Not when she could use them to teach the forgotten little boys and girls how to read, write, and do math problems that weren’t just converting grams to dollars.
“You’re no more special than anyone in this place,” Granna said. “Everyone here comes from the same dirt and misery. Don’t let that be your excuse. Make sure that’s your reason to keep fighting.”
“I’m coming back to visit.” I pushed my bookbag over my shoulder. “The college is just across town.”
“Don’t you dare.”
“Come on, Granna. You’re family.”
I ducked before the old woman slapped my head. “You get out there. Make your own damn family. I don’t want to h
ear from you until that handsome boy tells you he loves you.”
“Granna.” I exhaled. “He’s engaged.”
“If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.” She winked. “And a lot of things are meant for you.”
“Right. It’s one big fairy tale.”
“With that man, it just might be.”
“Come on.” I rolled my eyes. “I’m only friends with Shepard.”
I stumbled. My fingers curled over the stroller.
My head pulsed like it’d split open.
The knock came quietly. Late at night.
I closed the textbook, marking my place in the chemistry notes with my pencil. I hadn’t read a single line. Couldn’t.
Not after what he said.
Not after that kiss.
I opened the door, leaning against the frame. He was still in his uniform. His voice low.
“It’s over,” Shepard said. “I called it off. Told her…I couldn’t marry her.”
“And you think that makes this okay?” I whispered. “I won’t be responsible for breaking up a relationship.”
“You didn’t break this up.” He reached for me. Why did I lean into his touch? “I wasn’t in love with her.”
“Who are you in love with?”
“I can sign a confession right now.” His lips met mine. “Or I can prove it to you, Evie.”
The tears rolled over my cheeks. I held my breath.
It didn’t help.
“Evie.” His pounding knocks would shatter my door. “I’m sorry!”
It didn’t matter what he said. Didn’t matter what he promised to do.
Didn’t even matter that he swore it wasn’t his fault.
I spoke through the door, clutching my swelling tummy. I threw up again. It wouldn’t stop. This time, it wasn’t morning sickness.
“She’s dead.” Tears wetted my cheeks. “She died in custody.”
“Evie, let me come in. Let me talk to you.”
“She was arrested because of you.”
“I didn’t go over there to arrest her.”
“It doesn’t matter. She was arrested, and now she’s dead…because of you.”
Shepard swore from behind the door. He called my name.
I’d never answer him again.
I’d never speak to him again.
And if I could…I’d wipe him from my mind.
Forever.
I didn’t turn as a car screeched to a halt and parked beside me. The door slammed shut.
I knew who it was.
I had always known.
“Evie.” Shepard raced from the car. His words fired, quick and fierce. “Please. Just listen to me. Let me explain.”
My slap echoed across his cheek.
“You son of a bitch.”
20
“How could you?”
I beat at Shepard with the only arsenal I had available. The diaper bag wasn’t nearly hard enough, but I took comfort in the fact that it contained a dirty diaper wrapped up in a plastic bag.
“You lied to me!”
Shepard didn’t defend himself, but he twisted from my Winnie The Pooh styled weaponry. “Evie, I swear to God, this isn’t what I had planned.”
“No shit! Did you want a deathbed confession?” I screeched loud enough to wake the baby. “After our fiftieth wedding anniversary you’d lean over and tell me I was the one from your past all along.”
“It’s not like that.”
“What is the fiftieth present? Silver? Wood?”
“I don’t know. Gold?”
“Pretty sure it’s not betrayal.”
“Evie, you’re upset.”
“Don’t start.” I spoke through gritted teeth. “I transcended upset a couple minutes ago. Now I’m mushroom-cloud pissed. You. Lied. To. Me.”
“I didn’t know how to tell you.”
“How about—I know who you are. I know your name. I know where you’re from. I know that you’re allergic to shellfish. That might have saved me an entire night from looking like the black Angelina Jolie.”
“I’m sorry.” Shepard extended his arms. “Evie, I’ve wanted to tell you. I tried so many times.”
“Don’t fucking speak to me.” I tangled my fingers in my hair. “There is nothing you can say that would make any of this okay.”
“Let me try.”
“Six months, Shepard. For six months you let me believe I was unloved.”
“No. That’s not—”
“I told you no excuses!” I beat him again with the diaper bag. The seams split, and two jars of mooshed peas catapulted across the street. “You left me alone. I thought no one wanted me. I thought I was unlovable. I thought I was cheating on the man from my past.”
“I never considered it cheating.”
“Fan-fucking-tastic. This perverted, schizo-scheme of yours worked perfectly.”
The streets were used to fights. Most people gathered for a chance to place bets on the little rumbles. They knew to clear out if someone pulled a piece from behind their back.
I don’t think they ever saw an irate black woman smacking her white baby daddy with two fistfuls of diapers and a rattle.
“You slept with me,” I hissed. “You knew exactly what you were doing. You knew I was vulnerable. That I trusted you! And you slept with me.”
“I tried to tell you, Evie. I thought I could give you clues or tell you what I was thinking, or explain it.” His voice broke. “I can’t justify what I did.”
“No. You can’t. This is….” I held my throbbing head. The memories flooded back. One after another, not gently blossoming into existence, but machine-gunned where they belonged. My vision blurred, and I gripped the stroller to stay upright. “I finally have my memory, and now I don’t know who you are anymore.”
“I’m the same man, Evie.”
“How? I’m not even the same woman.”
“Yes, you are. That’s what’s been so amazing. You haven’t changed.”
“Then why did you?” The tears came. I didn’t acknowledge them. “It doesn’t make sense. I see you here. And you’re you. You’re the Shepard from my past—everything and nothing to me. And now you’re this man who tried to rescue me. An amazing stranger that I fell in love with. It’s like…I’m seeing double. You aren’t the same, but you are, and—”
“This isn’t how I wanted you to find out.”
“Why didn’t you try beating me across the head with a baseball bat to dislodge the memories? That would have been kinder.”
“You were hurt,” he said. “You had just given birth. The doctors said it was temporary. That it’d take a day or two and then you’d recover.”
“That’s your excuse?”
“That’s why I tried to stay away. Why I only checked on you. Why I didn’t want to burst into your life. You were dealing with so much—all alone. And I couldn’t drop that on you too. Not when you had Gretchen to worry about—”
“That’s not her name!”
“I won the coin toss!”
“You called tails after it landed!” The memory was sharp. It didn’t come easily, but it ripped from my brain and flung into my thoughts. “And her name isn’t Gretchen. Jesus Christ, Shepard. You lied to me for six months about who I was and who you were and how I got here. The least you can do is give up that name!”
Shepard eyed the growing crowd. He nodded. “You’re right. You’re absolutely right. She doesn’t have to be Gretchen. It’s okay.”
My heart hadn’t stopped palpitating. I tried to breathe. It lodged in my chest, nearly bursting to get out. Screaming did nothing. Crying only made me feel more vulnerable.
I stared at him—and I couldn’t even hate him.
How could he do this to me?
“I know I fucked up,” he said.
“Oh, big time. You better be wearing a body camera cause I want a copy of the footage showing me kicking your ass.”
He glanced over his shoulder, staring at a neighborhood that un
doubtedly remembered the cop who had helped to destroy it.
At least he wasn’t in uniform.
Then it wouldn’t have been me he had to worry about.
“We should talk somewhere else,” he said.
“Where? Home?” I planted my feet. “You better call for backup because I am not leaving.”
“Evie, this place is dangerous.”
“You would know.”
“You want to blame me? Fine. But I told you what happened that day. I’d received a call. I had to respond. I had to take statements. That was the only reason I even talked to Granna. I didn’t have a choice.”
“And she knew you,” I said. “She let you inside because I was in love with you. She thought she could trust you!”
“And it was my partner who knocked. I wanted to talk to her on the step. He went inside. He found the weed and the gun. I tried to get us the hell out of there.”
“You did a fine job.”
“The chief promised my partner a promotion if he caught me fucking up. If I had stopped him from processing her—”
“Then you’d have only lost your job,” I said. “But that badge was too damn important to you. You let someone ruin her life to keep a paycheck.”
“I had a plan.”
“It failed!”
“I didn’t have time. She was an old woman with a bad heart. She died just as I found her counsel.”
“Don’t.”
“Evie, I deliberately mishandled the evidence. I did everything I could to interfere with the investigation—even telling the defense where to look and how to pin it on me. It would have been a mistrial. She would have gone free.”
“You expect me to believe that?” I shook my head. “You’re Shepard Novak, duckling rescuer. Since when do you tamper with evidence?”
“Since justice and fairness fucked off two blocks down the street.” He took my wrist before I turned away. “You know as well as I do what this neighborhood means. The violence. The crime. You think I wanted to destabilize it? That I’d have let Granna suffer for being the only person in this damn city to care about the people here?”
“Let go of me.”
“I did it for you. Because I knew what she meant to you. Because I wanted to help. But her heart was bad, Evie. I couldn’t do anything about that. And it kills me that I let her down.”