by Lee Quail
Talking isn’t Sue’s strong point. She observes more than speaks.
“We can talk on the way to base,” Greg says, thumbing towards his jeep parked outside.
“We need to talk first. Edward, go make coffee for your father.”
“Two sugars and milk buddy.”
Edward slips away and Sue leads Greg to the main bedroom where she closes the door.
“Edward asked me why we aren’t married like other parents. It’s affecting him and I fear his education is going to suffer. Where do I put my face when I tell him you chose your career above him?”
“It wasn’t just the air force, Sue.”
“That’s what you told me. You told me your career comes first. That’s what everybody believed.”
“There’s something else. No one knows, except my closest friends.”
“Oh, come on. Your air force career controlled and still controls every aspect of your life, Gregory.”
“Yes and no. The air force doesn’t control my love life.”
“Of course it does. It prevented us from getting married.”
“Sue. Sue. When you told me you were pregnant, you also said you couldn’t marry a man whose career is more important than loving you, remember? You wanted me to leave the air force and work for your father in his printing business and I said no. What the hell do I know about printing? You’re right, I would not give up my career. But that’s not the only reason.”
“Let me guess. Another woman? Is that it. I wouldn’t put that past you.”
“No, Sue. There was never another woman. Maybe another man, but no women.”
“A man?”
“I’m gay, Sue. Always have been. That night all I wanted was to prove to myself that I could have sex with a woman.”
Silence.
“Gregory, you’re sick. Don’t come with this gay shit. You weren’t gay the night Edward was conceived.”
“Exactly. Besides, we were drunk. It was the night of my matric farewell party. We spoke about a lot of things. You were all over me. You were ready for me. All you wanted was to get me into bed. Both of us knew what we were doing that night. I joined the air force in January of the next year and nine months later, while I’m in the air force, you hit with your pregnancy.”
“You didn’t marry me because of your career, then?”
“Jesus, why am I even talking to you about this? Does it matter now, 11 years later?”
Sue raised her voice to screaming pitch. “Does it matter? Of-course it matters!”
“Don’t scream. I’m standing right here.”
Sue calmed down. “I don’t care that you’re gay. I have beautiful gay friends, Gregory. They’re caring, sweet, loving people and I can talk to them about anything. But this is far more personal. You’ve deceived us all these years. That’s what hurts the most. Your deception. I simply won’t believe that you chose other men above us?”
“You don’t believe I’m gay?”
“No. I do not believe one word of it.”
“Sue, there’s nothing to prove here. I am what I am and you accept it or tolerate it or do whatever you do to imbed it into your brain, but this is me.”
“And the air force knows about this?”
“No they don’t.”
“Of course not. You can never tell Edward this. I won’t have him hearing lies from his father.”
“I’m not lying. I like men. Edward deserves to know the facts,” Gregory says.
“The only thing he needs to know is that it’s me who looks after him. He loves me. He’ll die for me. That’s all there is to know.”
“With my money. You have a responsibility to tell him about me.”
“How dare you speak to me about responsibilities, Gregory? You don’t have a responsible bone in your body. You think only of yourself. Your career. Your selfish excuse claiming you’re gay.”
“You’re homophobic now?”
“No, I’m not homophobic. This is me being angry.”
“It’s been eleven years, Sue. You shouldn’t be so angry. “I have an idea. Let’s all go out to a neutral place where none of us can lose our cool and break the news to him gently. Maybe a McDonalds or a Wimpy…I don’t know. A park…?”
They don’t noticed Edward standing at the open door. Coffee in both hands, until Edward politely says, “You’re not taking me to where you work?”
“Oh Christ. Edward?” Sue dashes towards him. Attempts to hug him but he pushes her aside and stares at Gregory for a long time.
Gregory stares back. Paralysed in every bone in his body.
Edward bites his lower lip and licks away a rogue tear. He turns and walks away from them, out the front door and into the leafy suburban street. Both parents running after him, calling out his name.
He just carries on walking and Sue continually calls for him to stop. Threatens to thrash him. Ground him. Take away his pocket money for a month.
But Edward continues on his way, past the sprinkling fountain circle, the grocery store, ignores the kids who shout his name playing in the park and strolls into his school grounds. He finds a spot to sit on the embankment overlooking the athletics field where the school’s rugby team is busy practicing.
Sue immediately rushes towards him but Gregory stops her and draws her back.
“Don’t you touch me, Gregory. This is all your doing,” she spits the words out.
Gregory ignores her. His attention on Edward all the time. “Then I should undo it. Give me some time alone with him. Just a few minutes.”
“What makes you think I’m going to allow you to spend any time with him at all? You’ll probably turn him into the world’s biggest queen.”
“Because I’m his dad. Because I’ve been coming to see him on his birthday every year. Because I pay a lot of money to be with him once a year. Please Sue, just five minutes. If he doesn’t want to talk to me, let that be his choice, not yours.”
She nods without saying a word.
Gregory approaches slowly and sits beside him. He wants to reach out and embrace him, touch him to make him aware that he knows how his child feels. Instead, he concentrates on the players on the field for a time.
“I know what “gay” is, Dad.” Edward says finally. “John – a friend of mine – has two dads. John is so proud of them. They take turns fetching him from school. They’re both members of the school board. Everyone accepts them. They’re fine people, dad,” he pauses. “I love you, dad. Why can’t you be with us all the time? That’s what I don’t understand.”
“There’s so much you still need to grasp about life, Ed. The only way I could have stayed is if I married your mother. I couldn’t marry her. I went my way and she went her way. It’s true, my career comes first. In those days if the military discovered you were gay, you’d be in real trouble. It wasn’t accepted. First they’d put you in detention and from there a court martial like a court case and then a dishonourable discharge, you get fired and lose all benefits. I couldn’t allow that to happen. Adults do things that they’re sometimes not proud of. But I can tell you one thing my boy, I am the proudest Dad on earth. I am so proud of you.”
“I’ve never seen Mom like this. I don’t like it.”
“I understand, and it’s my fault. I should have told you long ago. Can you forgive me?”
“There’s nothing to forgive, Dad. Gay is cool. I don’t think Mom thinks so, but I do.”
“You have a girl?”
“A girlfriend?”
Gregory smiles for the first time.
“I’m eleven years old. What would I want with a girlfriend.”
“I think that when you do get a girlfriend, and she’s pretty and clever, she’s going to be the luckiest girl in the world.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“Are we good? Are we cool?” Gregory held up the palm of his hand for a high five.
“We’re good, Dad. Just as long as you take me to see where you work.”
“I visited to wis
h you a happy Christmas that year. But your mom had moved house. The new owner had no idea where you’d gone. I contacted Stephen, her brother, and he wouldn’t tell me. He said Sue didn’t want to see me, ever. I realised then that she had taken you and run away. Next thing I heard she had married and lived in the Drakensburg somewhere.”
“Now you know where,” Edward said.
“You’ve grown up to be a decent man, Ed. And you, Raw. You’re everything I could have wished for in a son-in-law.”
Raw couldn’t talk. The lump in his throat had turned to tears earlier on in the story. Instead, he smiled graciously and hugged Gregory.
Suddenly, from behind them, Julia’s voice; breathless and shouting Edward’s name. “Mister Edward! Mister Raw! Come quickly!”
The trio ran with Julia who explained quickly. They arrived at the house in time to find Shane reversing out of the drive.
Edward stood behind the car in an attempt to stop him. He stopped, but didn’t turn the ignition off.
“Where are you going, buddy?” Raw approached the window.
Shane couldn’t talk for a moment. He stared at Gregory and then at Edward in the rear view mirror. Swallowing hard, he said, “I…I’ve made a huge mistake, Raw. I don’t deserve to be here.”
“Because of last night?”
Shane nodded.
“It’s forgotten, Shane. We haven’t seen you in a long time and all we want is for you to enjoy yourself. We want you to stay,” Raw said.
Gregory stepped into the conversation.
“I’d like you to stay, Shane.”
“I was fucking rude to you, Gregory.”
“Turn the ignition off. Let’s go for a walk and talk this thing through.”
Shane hesitated, but didn’t let go of the steering.
“I’ll feel horrible if you left like this. Let’s just talk,” Gregory pleaded.
Shane turned off the ignition and released the wheel. The moment he stepped out of the car, Gregory grabbed his hand and held onto it tightly while Edward and Raw stepped back.
“We’ll be back in a few minutes, Ed,” Gregory said, smiling nervously.
They headed for the stables behind to the house. Gregory clutched Shane’s hand as they walked down the pebble path.
“I’m not going to let you leave like this,” he said, finally releasing Shane’s hand.
“I was rude and disrespectful. I’ve lost face. I’ve ruined my friendship with my best friends,” Shane said. “And I’m not even going to blame it on the wine. I don’t know what got into me.”
“You don’t need to apologise,” Gregory placed an arm over his shoulder. His way of saying ‘you need me to lean on and I’m here for you.’ “What you said is true. My whole life has pivoted around my career and I guess I needed someone to blurt it all out. I thought I was centred but clearly not enough. I wasn’t angry with you at all. I was angry with myself. All these years I’ve been closeted I don’t know what I’ve missed. And I’ve missed a lot.”
“Still, I was way out of line.”
“You know, it’s so lekker* meeting someone who sees it as it is and doesn’t keep quiet.”
“That’s me. I don’t know when to shut it. I couldn’t sleep last night.”
“Me too. It took me hours to wrap my mind around what you said.”
“I’m deeply sorry for what I said. I don’t want you to hate me. I say things sometimes without thinking.”
“We all do. And you’re not my enemy. I’m going to say something now and I don’t want you to take it the wrong way.”
They entered the stables just as the sun’s rays poured through the entrances, leaving an image of resounding shades of light and dark.
“Sounds like I best run and hide,” Shane said, smiling for the first time.
Gregory hugged one of the horses. “When I met you yesterday, I…I don’t know, I felt a connection. My initial reaction was, Wow! I’m in the presence of someone special.”
Shane held up his right hand to show the silver ring Joe had given him.
“I noticed last night. He’s a very lucky man.”
“Actually, I’m the lucky one. He gives me a lot of space.”
“So, he’s an astronaut?”
For a moment, both stood glaring at each other. Then Shane burst out laughing. Gregory joined him.
“Well, that broke the ice. But I meant it, you’re special.”
“You mean someone who has the ability to mess things up in an instant.”
“Not true.” Gregory reached out with both hands and turned Shane’s face towards him. “I’m not going to say this again, detective. You did not screw anything up. You told me what I needed to know. Taught me a lesson. Do you understand that?”
Shane stared into Gregory’s brown eyes and nodded.
“Good. Now I intend to enjoy my vacation here with my son and his husband and you. Is that clear?”
“Yes, Lieutenant Colonel.”
“Now give me a hug and let’s start again.”
Gregory opened his arms, invited Shane into his embrace, and stayed there for several moments. An embrace that needed to end because Shane’s closeness, his sugary body odour, and the gentle touch of his hands, made Gregory’s manhood swell. Gregory stepped back and, taking Shane’s hand, led him to the side exit.
“Meeting your son for the first time in what? Seventeen years? I mean that’s something,” Shane said.
“It’s surreal. I can finally touch and speak to him. When I arrived I was fucking nervous. Had no idea what to say.”
“You mean you didn’t even rehearse it in front of a mirror?”
“I practiced shaking his hand all formal and gentleman like. I repeated things, “At last. It’s so good to see you.” Then I changed it to, “So here you and I stand together at last.” It just got worse and worse. Eventually I thought fuck it, we’ll just wait and see how it all plays out.”
“Can I ask you something?” Shane said, not taking his eyes off Gregory.
“Sure.”
“You spoke about this guy who accompanies you on your missions.”
“Dirk?”
“But have you ever had a relationship with anyone?”
“Benjamin. We met in a bar in Pretoria. An actor. Small time. He really tried.”
“What happened?”
“We were together eight years. Didn’t live together. Like I said, if the defence force at the time knew I was gay they would have kicked me out. On hindsight, he didn’t really walk out on me. I told him to leave. Being the disciplined me, the me who wants everything regimental and organised, the great sex didn’t last long. He was untidy. Bashed my car. Came home drunk or high from clubs and parties. Hated my music. He slopped around and I couldn’t tolerate it. After three more years of hell, I told him to piss off. Haven’t seen him since.”
“You haven’t had anyone since then? Apart from Dirk?”
“No one.”
“I understand. Sorry, I don’t mean to pry. Just another quick question.”
“Sure.”
“How do you feel about older guys and younger guys being together?”
“What’s going on in that bright mind of yours, detective?”
“Just curious.”
Gregory thought for a moment. “I have no problem with younger, but not too far down. If it works for them, great. What about yourself?”
“Don’t take this up the wrong way, Lieutenant Colonel…”
“Colonel. It’s just Colonel.”
“I like older guys.”
6
Friday
Angelica arrived around midday. Raw welcomed her with open arms and invited her in. She had not changed one bit. Still had her hair in a high bun, still wore long sarongs, and still called everyone “darling”. Resounding through the air, Raw heard a sound not unlike the pounding of a punching bag.
“Edward’s punching bags,” Raw said, smiling.
“I can hear that, darling. Shall we surprise
him?” She asked.
“He loves surprises.”
He took her hand and led her down the path to the round, thatched roof bungalow they had transformed into a small gym; kitted it out with a pair of walkers, rowing and cycling machines, benches, barbells and mirrors.
Edward wasn’t alone. Two young boys, not much older than twelve or thirteen were with him in the middle of punching at the bags. Edward saw her in the reflection of the mirror. “I knew you’d come,” he said, turning and gleefully reaching for her.
“Oh, I’m so happy to be here. There’s no joy in the big city now that you two aren’t there. Just no excitement.”
“We’ve brought the excitement to this place.”
“Okay, guys. That’s it,” Edward clapped loudly. “We’re finished training for the day. Go shower and I’ll see you Monday afternoon,” Edward said in fluent Zulu.
As the teenagers ran off to the outdoor showers, Edward hugged Angelica tightly. “It’s good to see you.”
“I’ve forgotten just how lovely this place is,” she said.
“We’re having a braai tonight around the fire-pit. It’s going to be a huge bonfire. Lots of wine and lots of amazing company,” Raw said, guiding her up the steps to the main house.
Gregory sat on the front patio with his back to them, staring out over the forest of pine trees and beyond into the national park.
“Angelica, I’d like to introduce you to my dad,” Raw said eagerly.
Gregory stood up and turned to face her.
“Hello, Angelica.”
“Gregory?”
“It’s been a long time.”
“Well, this is embarrassing, I didn’t expect you to be here.”
“Surprise, surprise.”
Edward frowned. “You know each other?”
The tension in the distance between them grew second by second.
“Not very well. Your mom spoke about him and showed me photos.”
“Greg?”
“I found him to tell him Sue had passed away. But, he was on his way to Afghanistan. He couldn’t attend the funeral.”
Edward shook his head and stepped back, frowning. “I…I don’t understand.”