Dr. Carbles Is Losing His Marbles!

by Dan Gutman

  My Weird School #19

  Dr. Carbles Is Losing His Marbles!

  Dan Gutman

  Pictures by Jim Paillot

  To Emma

  Contents

  1 Squanto and Pocahontas

  2 Turkeys Are Weird

  3 Meet the New Boss

  4 Dr. Carbles Is a Meanie

  5 Being Frank

  6 Dr. Carbles Is Watching You

  7 The Truth About Dr. Carbles

  8 Far-out, Man!

  9 How to Drive Grown-ups Crazy

  10 The Torture Room

  11 The Big Skate-off

  12 You Can Rent Anything

  About the Author and the Illustrator

  Credits

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  1

  Squanto and Pocahontas

  My name is A.J. and I hate school.

  Do you know what the only good part of school is? The end of it, at three o’clock, when we get to go home!

  But at the end of school this one day in November, we weren’t allowed to go home at three. The school secretary, Mrs. Patty, made an announcement that everybody had to go to the all-purpose room. (That’s a room we use for all purposes, so it has the perfect name.)

  Bummer in the summer!

  So we were sitting there, bored out of our minds, when suddenly two American Indians came running down the aisle! They were wearing feathers and head-dresses. They jumped onto the stage, whooping and hollering.

  But they couldn’t fool us. We knew exactly who they were.

  “It’s Mrs. Roopy!” yelled my friend Michael, who never ties his shoes. Mrs. Roopy is our librarian.

  “And Mr. Klutz!” yelled my friend Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn’t food. Mr. Klutz is our principal, and he has no hair.

  “Klutz?” said Mr. Klutz. “Never heard of him. I am Squanto, a Patuxet Indian who helped the Pilgrims survive their first years in America.”

  “And I am Pocahontas,” said Mrs. Roopy. “I helped the English colonists when they arrived in Virginia in 1607.”

  Mrs. Roopy always dresses up like somebody else. She never admits she’s the librarian.

  Mrs. Roopy is loopy.

  “Thanksgiving is coming up,” said Mr. Klutz. “To celebrate, we want to introduce you to a friend of ours.”

  They went behind the curtain, and you’ll never believe in a million hundred years who they brought out onstage with them.

  I’m not going to tell you.

  Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. But you have to read the next chapter. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you.

  2

  Turkeys Are Weird

  It was a turkey! They brought a turkey right out onstage!

  Now, I’ve seen plenty of dead turkeys in sandwiches, but I’ve never seen a live one before. This turkey was dressed like a Pilgrim, with a little bonnet and dress. It was hilarious. All the kids went nuts.

  “Gobble, gobble,” said the turkey.

  “Where do you think Mr. Klutz got a turkey?” asked Neil Crouch, who we call Neil the nude kid even though he wears clothes.

  “Maybe he rented it,” said Michael. “You can rent anything. There’s probably a place called Rent-a-Turkey.”

  “For my birthday party, my parents rented a lady dressed like a clown,” said Ryan. “If you can rent a lady dressed like a clown, then you can probably rent a turkey dressed like a lady.”

  “For my birthday party, my parents rented a pony,” said this annoying girl with curly brown hair named Andrea Young. “We all got pony rides.”

  Why can’t a pony fall on her head?

  Mr. Klutz had his arms wrapped around the turkey so she couldn’t escape. She didn’t look very happy.

  “This is our friend Gobbles,” said Mrs. Roopy. “She’s going to help us get into the spirit of Thanksgiving.”

  Everybody yelled “HELLO” to Gobbles.

  “Gobble, gobble,” said Gobbles, flapping her wings. Mr. Klutz was having a hard time holding on to her.

  “Isn’t Gobbles cute?” asked Andrea.

  “No,” I said.

  What is her problem? Turkeys aren’t cute. Penguins are cute. Turkeys are ugly. If they were cute, we wouldn’t eat them. You don’t see anybody eating penguins, do you? Besides, if Andrea thinks something is cute, then I don’t.

  “Gobble, gobble,” said Gobbles again. She was really flapping her wings hard now.

  Turkeys are weird. They can’t fly. What’s the point of being a bird if you can’t fly? That would be like being a fish that can’t swim. Gobbles was probably upset because Thanksgiving was coming. If I was a turkey, I would hate Thanksgiving, too.

  “I’ll make a deal with you,” said Mr. Klutz, who is always making deals with us. “If each class creates a beautiful Thanksgiving display, I will get married to Gobbles.”

  Wow! It would be cool to see Mr. Klutz marry a turkey. This was going to be even better than the time he kissed a pig on the lips.

  Everybody was going crazy, cheering and stamping their feet. Gobbles didn’t seem to like all that noise. She started gobbling really loud. Then she freaked out and broke away from Mr. Klutz!

  Gobbles went running off the stage! She jumped into the front row, where the first graders sit! The first graders freaked out, shrieking and crying and running away! Then everybody started freaking out!

  “Run for your lives!” shouted Neil the nude kid. “There’s a wild turkey on the loose!”

  All the kids were screaming and running and crashing into each other. You should have been there!

  And you’ll never believe who came into the all-purpose room at that very moment.

  It was Dr. Carbles, the president of the Board of Education!

  I always thought Mr. Klutz was important, like he was the king of the school. But if Mr. Klutz is like the king of the school, then Dr. Carbles is like the king of the world. He probably sits on a throne and has servants fan him with big feathers. I saw that in a movie once.

  “KLUTZ!” he hollered. “What’s the meaning of this? Why is it that every time I come to this school, you’re in some weird costume and the students are running around like lunatics?”

  “It’s just a little discipline problem, sir,” Mr. Klutz said as he chased Gobbles around. “I’m going to put Gobbles in detention.”

  “Don’t you have any sense, Klutz?” shouted Dr. Carbles. “We have enough discipline problems with the children. Why would you bring a turkey to school?”

  “To marry it,” somebody said.

  That’s when Gobbles went berserk. She crashed into Dr. Carbles and knocked him down!

  “That’s it, Klutz!” Dr. Carbles yelled. “You’re FIRED!”

  3

  Meet the New Boss

  What?! Mr. Klutz was fired? It couldn’t be true! We were all shocked.

  I thought it was one of those times when something really horrible happens and then it turns out just to be a dream. I saw that in a movie once.

  But the next morning while we were putting our backpacks away, everybody was talking about what happened.

  “Dr. Carbles can’t fire Mr. Klutz!” said Michael.

  “Well, he did,” said Ryan.

  “But Mr. Klutz is the best principal in the world!” said Neil the nude kid.

  Neil was right. Everybody loved Mr. Klutz. I was sad. Some kids were crying. Teachers were hugging each other in the hallway and dabbing their eyes with tissues. It was like Mr. Klutz had died.

  After we pledged the allegiance, our teacher, Miss Daisy, said we should remember the good times we had with Mr. Klutz.

  “Remember when he got his foot caught at the top of the flagpole and w
as hanging upside down?” said Ryan.

  “Remember when he dressed like Santa in the holiday pageant, and he was hanging upside down from his sleigh?” said Michael.

  “Once I got called to his office, and he was hanging upside down from the ceiling,” I told everybody.

  “Mr. Klutz sure hangs upside down a lot,” said Emily, who is a big crybaby.

  It was hard to concentrate on reading and math that morning. We were all thinking about the good old days with Mr. Klutz. When it was time to go to the vomitorium for lunch, we were still talking about him.

  “They’ll have to get us a new principal,” said Andrea, who was sitting with her annoying girl friends at the next table.

  “Who do you think it will be?” asked Ryan.

  “I hope he’s nice,” said Emily, who always hopes everybody will be nice.

  “How do you know it will be a he?” said Andrea. “Maybe the principal will be a lady.”

  “Maybe one of the teachers will become principal,” Michael said. “Like Mr. Docker or Ms. Hannah.”

  “Being principal is an important job,” said Neil the nude kid. “There’s lots to do, like yell at kids and boss around teachers.”

  “And dress up in weird costumes and marry turkeys,” I added.

  “It will be hard to find someone who can fill Mr. Klutz’s shoes,” said Andrea.

  “Who cares about filling his shoes?” I said. “We just need a new principal. What would they fill his shoes with anyway?”

  “It’s just an expression, dumbhead,” Andrea said.

  “So is your face,” I told her.

  We didn’t have to wait long to find out who the new principal would be. At the end of the day, we had to go to the all-purpose room again. Once everybody was seated, a lady got up onstage. She told us her name was Mrs. Haney and she was the superintendent of all the schools in the county.

  Wow! And we thought Dr. Carbles was important. If Dr. Carbles is like the king of the world, then Mrs. Haney is like the queen of the universe.

  “I bet she can fly and see through walls,” I whispered to Michael. “That’s why she’s Super Intendent.”

  Mrs. Haney said she knew we were sad about Mr. Klutz and told us not to worry. Nothing would change now that he was gone.

  “I’d like to introduce you to your new principal,” she announced.

  And you’ll never believe in a million hundred years who walked out on the stage.

  I’m not going to tell you.

  Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. And you don’t even have to read the next chapter.

  It was Dr. Carbles!

  4

  Dr. Carbles Is a Meanie

  DR. CARBLES?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

  I always thought you had to go to principal school to be a principal. But I guess any dumbhead can be a principal.

  Dr. Carbles wasn’t wearing his usual jacket and tie. He was wearing an army uniform, with black boots and a whistle around his neck. In one hand he was holding a bullhorn. In the other he had a whip.

  He didn’t say anything at first. He just walked down the aisle, looking us over. Nobody made a move. Nobody made a sound. It was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop.*

  We were all afraid of Dr. Carbles. He had a scowl on his face. Even Miss Daisy looked scared.

  Finally Dr. Carbles put the bullhorn to his mouth.

  “ATTEN—TION!” Dr. Carbles hollered, and we all straightened up in our seats. “This school is pathetic! You are unruly! You are undisciplined! You are totally disrespectful! I won’t stand for it!”

  He was really mad!

  “You don’t go to school to have fun!” he shouted. “You go to school to learn, so you can get into college and have a productive life.”

  “But I’m only in first grade!” said one of the first graders. Then she started to cry.

  “Silence!” shouted Dr. Carbles. He cracked his whip, and everybody jumped. “There are going to be some changes around here. Mr. Klutz was too easy on you. There will be no more turkeys and silly costumes and contests. From now on we will focus on the four Rs: reading, writing, arithmetic, and rules.** We’re going to turn you students into lean, mean learning machines. And if you don’t like the way I do things, well, maybe you’d like to spend a little time in the dungeon on the third floor. Do I make myself clear?”

  “Yes, Dr. Carbles,” everybody mumbled.

  “Children behave better when they’re wearing uniforms,” Dr. Carbles told us. “So from now on, you will wear the official uniform of Ella Mentry School.”

  The PTA moms went up and down the rows, passing out a bag to each of us.

  “That’s all for now,” Dr. Carbles said. “Any questions?”

  “Can I go to the bathroom?” somebody asked.

  “No!” Dr. Carbles yelled. “Weak bladders lead to weak minds. Do you think George Washington went to the bathroom when he was crossing the Delaware?”

  “They had bathrooms on the Delaware?” asked Ryan.

  “Will we still have recess?” somebody else asked.

  “No!” Dr. Carbles yelled. “Recess is for wimps.”

  “Will we still be allowed to play in the playground after school?” Michael asked.

  “NO!” Dr. Carbles yelled. “You’re going to MARCH in the playground after school.”

  Sure enough, when the three-o’clock bell rang, Dr. Carbles led us out onto the playground. We had to form a line, with the fifth graders at the front and the kindergarten trolls at the back.

  “Left! Right! Left! Right!” Dr. Carbles yelled as we marched. “Stop lagging behind, kindergarteners!”

  Dr. Carbles had us march around the playground a million hundred times. I thought I was gonna die.

  5

  Being Frank

  The next morning everybody was wearing the official school uniform. The boys had on light blue shirts, blue pants, and blue ties. The girls had on blue skirts with stripes on them.

  I looked like a dork. But everybody looked like a dork, so I didn’t feel so bad.

  We were putting our backpacks away when Mrs. Patty’s voice came over the loudspeaker.

  “A.J., please report to Dr. Carbles’s office.”

  “Ooooooooooooooh!” everybody went.

  “A.J. is absent today,” I lied.

  “Get down here, A.J.,” said Mrs. Patty.

  “Ooooooooooooooh!”

  “You’re in trouble, Arlo,” said Andrea. Dr. Carbles is going to send you to jail.”

  What did I do? I mean, I know I did a lot of bad stuff. But not recently. It had been weeks since I wrote in the boys’ bathroom that Andrea was a poopy head. Maybe Dr. Carbles was going to torture me in the dungeon on the third floor. Who knew what he might do to me?

  I decided to take my time getting to Dr. Carbles’s office. So I started counting the tiles in the hallway.

  Did you know that there are 4,324 tiles between Miss Daisy’s class and Dr. Carbles’s office? I didn’t.

  As I was walking down the hall, a thought popped into my head. Maybe Dr. Carbles was going to give me a candy bar! One time I got in trouble and had to go to Mr. Klutz’s office. I thought he was going to punish me, but he gave me a candy bar instead. It was the greatest day of my life.

  Finally I opened the door to Dr. Carbles’s office. It looked a lot different from when Mr. Klutz was principal. The cool snowboarding poster was gone. The Foosball table and the punching bag were gone. Do you know what Dr. Carbles had all over his office instead?

  Fish!

  There was a fish tank on the windowsill. There was a fishing pole in the corner. Dr. Carbles even had a picture of himself with a giant fish he’d caught. There was even a real fish that was mounted on the wall.

  People who like fish that much are weird.

  “What took you so long?” Dr. Carbles asked.

  I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. I had to think fast.

  “I broke my leg,” I lied.

  �
�Shake it off!” Dr. Carbles ordered. “Do you think a broken leg would have stopped George Washington when he was crossing the Delaware?”

  “I guess not,” I said.

  “A.J.,” he said more softly, “do you know why I called you in here?”

  “Because I wrote in the boys’ bathroom that Andrea was a poopy head?”

  “What?” yelled Dr. Carbles. “You wrote in the boys’ bathroom that Andrea was a poopy head?”

  “Uh, no,” I said quickly. “What gave you that idea?” It was weird just hearing a principal say “poopy head.”

  “A.J., can I be Frank?” Dr. Carbles asked.

  “I don’t care what you call yourself,” I told him.

  “I asked you to come here because I need to talk with an average student,” he said. “Do you know why I fired Mr. Klutz?”

  “Because he wanted to marry a turkey?” I guessed.

  “No, I fired Mr. Klutz because he’s incompetent.”

  “He wears diapers?” I asked.

  “Not incontinent!” Dr. Carbles yelled. “Incompetent! It means he didn’t do a good job.”

  “But we all love Mr. Klutz,” I said.

  “A.J., I’m going to be Frank,” said Dr. Carbles.

  “Okay, Frank. I’ll be A.J.”

  “I’ve never been a principal before,” he admitted. “This is all new to me. I need to know what it is about Mr. Klutz that you kids love so much.”

  “I guess it’s because he’s silly,” I said. “Mr. Klutz is like a big kid.”

  “A.J., let me be Frank,” said Dr. Carbles.

  “I already said you could be Frank,” I told him.

  “It’s just not in my nature to be silly,” Dr. Carbles said. “When I see the shenanigans at your school, I’m disgusted.”