by Dan Gutman
I kept my mouth shut. If you don’t say anything, you can’t say anything dumb.
“Did Mr. Docker tell you about my toupee?” asked Dr. Carbles. “Or was it Miss Lazar? You can tell me, A.J.”
His face was right next to mine. His breath smelled like rotten eggs. I was shaking. I thought I was gonna die.
“Cat got your tongue, eh?” Dr. Carbles asked. “Well, I have ways to make you talk.”
Oh no! He was going to torture me!
“Here, I want you to read this,” said Dr. Carbles.
“What is it?” I asked.
“A book.”
“A book?!” I exclaimed. “With words?”
“That’s right,” Dr. Carbles said. “Read it.”
“Reading is boring,” I told him.
“READ IT!” he shouted. “Every word! Cover to cover! Let’s go. I don’t have all day.”
Sweat was rolling down my face.
“No! No!” I cried. “Not reading! Anything but that! Okay, I’ll talk! I’ll talk!”
“Smart boy,” Dr. Carbles said, taking the book away. “I knew you’d see it my way.”
“It was Mr. Klutz,” I admitted. “I went over to his house. He told me about your toupee. He told me about the skateboarding team. He told me he called you Walrus Face. He told me everything.”
“Klutz, eh?” sneered Dr. Carbles. “Klutz told you that? Oh, I’m going to get him. I’m going to get him good. Nobody calls me Walrus Face and gets away with it!”
“Please don’t tell Mr. Klutz I told you. I promised him I wouldn’t tell. Please, Frank?”
“Get out of here!” Dr. Carbles hollered. “And stop calling me Frank or I’ll get the summer reading list!”
I ran out of his office as fast as I could.
11
The Big Skate-off
When I got to school the next morning, I could hear the sound of hammering. It was coming from the gym. That was weird. I went over to the gym and opened the door. You’ll never believe in a million hundred years what I saw.
Five guys in overalls were building a half-pipe! Right there in the gym!
Wow! We were going to go skateboarding in fizz ed!
The fizz ed teacher, Miss Small, is off the wall. She usually has us juggle scarves and balance feathers on our fingers. But we were finally going to do something cool! We were going to skateboard! It was the greatest day of my life.
Me and the guys were so excited, we could hardly stand it.
“When do we go to fizz ed?” we kept asking Miss Daisy.
“I don’t know,” said Miss Daisy, who doesn’t know anything.
Finally, at the end of the day, Mrs. Patty made an announcement over the loudspeaker. She said that everybody had to report to the gym.
“Hooray!” all the boys yelled. Miss Daisy had to keep telling us to stop running the whole way there.
When we got there, the half-pipe was finished, and Dr. Carbles was standing in front of it. He was holding a skateboard.
“Where’s Miss Small?” I asked. “Are we going to skateboard in fizz ed?”
“No!” shouted Dr. Carbles. “This half-pipe isn’t for you. It’s for me.”
“Boooooo!” yelled all the boys.
We were really mad as we sat down on the bleachers. But we didn’t stay mad for long, because you’ll never believe who walked into the door at the other end of the gym.
Nobody. If you walked into a door, it would hurt. But guess who walked into the doorway?
It was Mr. Klutz! And he was holding a skateboard. Everybody cheered.
“Hooray for Mr. Klutz!” we all shouted.
Dr. Carbles and Mr. Klutz stood facing each other at opposite sides of the gym. They looked like two gunslingers on one of those old Western TV shows, except they had skateboards instead of guns. Everybody got quiet. You could hear a pin drop.
“So, we meet again, Klutz,” said Dr. Carbles. “I thought you’d be too chicken to show up.”
“I will outskate you anytime,” Mr. Klutz said. “You’re going down, Walrus Face!”
“Oh, snap!” Ryan whispered. “Mr. Klutz is gonna blow the doors off Dr. Carbles!” I told the guys.
Mr. Klutz and Dr. Carbles climbed up to the top of the half-pipe. Dr. Carbles picked up his bullhorn.
“Finally, all the world will know who the best skateboarder is!” he hollered. “Ha-ha-ha! Revenge will be sweet!”
We all started chanting: “TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT—WHO DO WE APPRECIATE? KLUTZ! KLUTZ! KLUTZ!”
Dr. Carbles and Mr. Klutz dropped into the half-pipe at the same time. Dr. Carbles did a vert bomb drop. Mr. Klutz did a combination inward heelflip/outside boardslide. Dr. Carbles did a polejam. Mr. Klutz did a boomerang.
It was awesome! Everybody in the gym was yelling and screaming their heads off. Even the teachers!
Then, just as Dr. Carbles was doing a monkeyflip jawbreaker, Mr. Klutz did a stalefish McTwist. They crashed into each other in midair! Dr. Carbles’s toupee went flying off his head! The two of them landed together in a tangle of arms and legs. It was a real Kodak moment. And we got to see it live and in person.
“Oh, my leg!” moaned Dr. Carbles.
“Ouch! My head!” moaned Mr. Klutz.
The two of them were lying at the bottom of the half-pipe, freaking out. Mrs. Cooney, the beautiful school nurse, came running over with a first-aid kit. And you’ll never believe in a million hundred years who walked in the gym at that exact moment.
I’m not going to tell you.
Okay, okay, I’ll tell you.
It was Mrs. Haney, the superintendent of all the schools in the county!
“Carbles!” she shouted. “What’s the meaning of this?”
Dr. Carbles looked at Mr. Klutz. Mr. Klutz looked at Mrs. Haney. Mrs. Haney looked at Dr. Carbles. Everybody was looking at each other.
“It’s a half-pipe, ma’am,” Dr. Carbles said. “I challenged Klutz to a little competition.”
“You were hired to bring order and discipline to this school!” Mrs. Haney yelled. “I didn’t bring you here so you could build a half-poop and ride a skateboard!”
“B-b-but…,” said Dr. Carbles.
“Carbles!” shouted Mrs. Haney. “You’re FIRED!”
Dr. Carbles limped out of the gym, sobbing. What a crybaby!
12
You Can Rent Anything
“Watch out!” somebody screamed.
It was the day before Thanksgiving. Some crazy lunatic dressed like a Pilgrim was tearing down the sidewalk on a skateboard. He must have built up too much speed. The guy was weaving around kids, totally out of control.
“Run for your lives!” somebody shouted.
The skateboard must have hit a crack in the sidewalk, because the next thing anybody knew, the Pilgrim went flying through the air like a superhero. Kids were diving out of the way. Dogs were running as fast as they could.
The skateboarding Pilgrim crash-landed in the bushes in front of the school. You’ll never believe in a million hundred years who it was.
It was Mr. Klutz!
“Good morning, Mr. Klutz,” said Mrs. Cooney as she walked past.
“Good morning, Mrs. Cooney,” he replied. “Beautiful day, isn’t it?”
“Lovely.”
Mr. Klutz got up, brushed himself off, and walked up the front steps, like it was totally normal to skateboard to school dressed as a Pilgrim and crash headfirst into the bushes.
Everybody clapped and cheered when we realized Mr. Klutz had been hired to be our principal again. No more marching. No more uniforms. No more Dr. Carbles. It was the best day in the history of the world.
In the afternoon we were called down to the all-purpose room for an assembly. Mr. Klutz went up on the stage, and everybody gave him a standing ovation.
“Well, I have good news and bad news,” Mr. Klutz told us. “The bad news is that even though you all made beautiful Thanksgiving displays, I can’t marry a turkey like I promised.”
> “What happened to Gobbles?” Emily asked.
“I’m having her for dinner tomorrow,” Mr. Klutz said.
“What’s the good news?” I shouted.
“You’ll see.” Mr. Klutz went behind the curtain. You’ll never believe in a million hundred years what he brought out with him.
A live pig!
“I’m going to marry this pig instead,” he told us.
Everybody started cheering and stamping their feet.
“Where did you get a pig?” yelled Ryan.
“From Rent-a-Pig,” Mr. Klutz said. “You can rent anything, you know.”
Mrs. Roopy came out onstage with a book. She was wearing a man’s suit and tie.
“It’s Mrs. Roopy!” everybody yelled.
“I’m not Mrs. Roopy,” said Mrs. Roopy. “I’m the justice of the peace. Mr. Klutz, do you take this pig to be your wife—to love, honor, and cherish till death do you part?”
“I do,” said Mr. Klutz.
“Pig, do you take Mr. Klutz to be your husband—in sickness and in health, till death do you part?”
“Oink,” said the pig.
“This is so romantic!” Andrea whispered.
“I now pronounce you man and wife,” said Mrs. Roopy. “Mr. Klutz, you may kiss the pig.”
Mr. Klutz bent down and kissed the pig, right on the lips! Ew, disgusting! That was the second time I saw Mr. Klutz kiss a pig. He must really love pigs.
After the assembly we went back to Miss Daisy’s class to get ready for dismissal. She wished us a Happy Thanksgiving and made us go around in a circle to say what we were thankful for.
“I’m thankful that Mr. Klutz is back,” said Andrea.
“I’m thankful that Dr. Carbles is gone,” said Michael.
The three-o’clock bell rang.
“What are you thankful for, A.J.?” asked Miss Daisy.
“I’m thankful that we don’t have school for four more days,” I said. Then I ran out of there.
Maybe Dr. Carbles will take a chill pill and get his job back. Maybe we’ll be allowed to keep the half-pipe and go skateboarding in fizz ed. Maybe Mr. Klutz and the pig will go on a honeymoon and live happily ever after. Maybe Mr. and Mrs. Klutz will get divorced because Mr. Klutz is always kissing pigs and marrying them. Maybe hair will stop growing out of Mr. Klutz’s nose and back on the top of his head, where it belongs. Maybe my weird school will become more like a normal school.
But it won’t be easy!
About the Author and the Illustrator
DAN GUTMAN has written many weird books for kids. He lives in New Jersey (a very weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com
JIM PAILLOT lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com
Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins author.
Credits
Cover art © 2007 by Jim Paillot
Copyright
MY WEIRD SCHOOL #19: DR. CARBLES IS LOSING HIS MARBLES!. Text copyright © 2007 by Dan Gutman. Illustrations copyright © 2007 by Jim Paillot. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
EPub © Edition DECEMBER 2008 ISBN: 9780061973390
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*I mean one of those skinny little pins you use to sew stuff, not a bowling pin. Bowling pins actually make a lot of noise when they drop. But you could have heard one of those drop, too, it was so quiet.
**That didn’t make any sense at all, because only two of those words started with R.
***That means he crashed, in case you don’t speak Skateboard.
****That’s the one that goes, “The ants are my friends, blowin’ in the wind.”