The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes

by Geoff Tibballs

  Jim replied: ‘Well, I had to hold on somehow!’

  10

  A cop arrived at the scene of a car smash. He rushed over and asked the driver: ‘Are you seriously hurt?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ said the driver. ‘I haven’t spoken to my lawyer yet.’

  11

  Two guys were sitting in a bar. One said: ‘Did you hear the news – Mike is dead?’

  ‘How?’ gasped the other. ‘What happened to him?’

  ‘Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he pulled up outside, he didn’t brake properly and – bang – he hit the pavement, the car flipped over and he went crashing through the sunroof. He went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.’

  ‘Wow! What a horrible way to die!’

  ‘No, no, he survived that. That didn’t kill him. So, after landing in my upstairs bedroom, he was lying on the floor covered in broken glass. Then he spotted the big antique wardrobe we have in the room and reached for the handle to try and pull himself up. He was just dragging himself up when – bang – this massive wardrobe came crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.’

  ‘What a way to go! That’s terrible!’

  ‘No, no, that didn’t kill him: he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawled out onto the landing. There, he tried to pull himself up on the banister, but under his weight the banister broke and he fell down to the first floor. In mid-air, all the broken banister poles spun and fell on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.’

  ‘Gee! That is an awful way to go!’

  ‘No, no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he was on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawled in to the kitchen, tried to pull himself up by the cooker, but accidentally reached for a big pot of boiling water. Whoosh! The whole thing came down on him and burned off most of his skin.’

  ‘Man! What a way to go!’

  ‘No, no, he survived that. He was lying on the ground, covered in boiling water, and he spotted the phone. He thought he’d reach for the phone to call for help but instead he grabbed the light switch and pulled the whole thing off the wall. Well, water and electricity don’t mix, so he got electrocuted – boom – 10,000 volts shot through him.’

  ‘Now that is one horrible way to go!’

  ‘No, no, that didn’t kill him. He survived that, he . . .’

  ‘Hold on now, just how the hell did Mike die?’

  ‘I shot him!’

  ‘You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?’

  ‘He was wrecking my house!’

  12

  A man fell out of an eleventh-storey window. He was lying on the ground with a crowd gathered around him when a cop walked over and said: ‘What happened?’

  The guy said: ‘I don’t know. I just got here.’

  13

  On vacation, a little boy asked his mother: ‘Can I go swimming in the sea?’

  ‘No, darling, you can’t,’ she replied. ‘The sea’s way too rough, there’s a dangerous offshore current, and this stretch of coastline is supposed to be plagued with jellyfish and sharks.’

  ‘But Daddy’s gone swimming in the sea,’ protested the boy.

  ‘I know,’ said the mother. ‘But Daddy has excellent life insurance.’

  14

  A woman was drying herself after taking a shower when she slipped and landed on the floor with her legs spread wide apart. Worse still, her pussy created a vacuum so that she was unable to move. She called her husband to help but, hard though he tried, he couldn’t prise her pussy away from the floor tiles. In desperation, he then summoned a neighbour, who also tried unsuccessfully to shift her. Finally the neighbour suggested: ‘Why don’t we get a hammer and break the tiles around her legs and lift her that way?’

  ‘Great idea,’ said the husband, ‘but let me just rub her tits a little so I can push her over to the kitchen. The tiles are cheaper in there.’

  15

  Two bums were sitting talking. The first started bragging: ‘Today was the best day ever! I found a brand new pack of smokes just sitting on the ground. So you know what I did? I sat and smoked every last one of them – had the best day ever!’

  The second bum just laughed. ‘That’s nothing. Today I was walking along the railroad tracks when I found this girl lying on the tracks. You know what I did? I shagged her all day long. It was my best day ever!’

  The first bum sneered: ‘No way did you do it all day long!’

  ‘OK,’ conceded the second bum, ‘but it was for a good few hours – best day of my life!’

  ‘So,’ persisted the first bum, ‘did she give you a blow job?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Huh! How could you possibly be screwing this girl for hours, and she didn’t even give you a blow job?’

  ‘How could she?’ protested the second bum. ‘She didn’t have a head!’

  ADULTERY

  16

  Arriving home from a shopping trip, a wife was horrified to find her husband in bed with a pretty girl. Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out: ‘Before you go, I want you to hear how all this came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired. I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out, so I gave her a pair of your shoes that you don’t wear because they are out of fashion. She was cold, so I gave her the new birthday sweater you never wear because the colour doesn’t suit you. Her trousers had holes in them, so I gave her a pair of yours that don’t fit you any more. Then, as this poor girl was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use any more?” . . . So here we are!’

  17

  A doctor was having an affair with his nurse and soon she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and told her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

  ‘But how will I let you know the baby is born?’ asked the nurse.

  ‘Just send me a postcard and write “spaghetti” on the back.’

  Six months later the doctor’s wife called him at the office and said that he had received a strange postcard from Europe. When the doctor arrived home that evening, he read the card and immediately collapsed to the floor with a heart attack. While the paramedics were preparing to rush him to hospital, one asked the wife what had precipitated the cardiac arrest. Still mystified, she picked up the card and read: ‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – two with sausage and meatballs, two without.’

  18

  A guy arrived home from work to find a stranger screwing his wife.

  ‘What the hell are you two doing?’ demanded the husband.

  His wife turned to the stranger and said: ‘See, I told you he was stupid.’

  19

  After telling his wife he was working late at the office, a man took his secretary to a hotel and had wild sex with her. But on his way home, he noticed a huge love bite on his neck and began to panic. What would he tell his wife?

  Walking in the door, he was greeted by his excited dog. In a moment of inspiration, he dropped to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog. Holding his neck with one hand, he went into the living room and exclaimed: ‘Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!’

  His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said: ‘That’s nothing. Look what he did to my tits!’

  20

  A married couple invited a male friend over to their house for the evening, but when a sudden blizzard blew up, the friend was prevented from travelling home. Since the couple didn’t have a guest room, he said he would book into a nearby hotel, but the wife wouldn’t hear of it.

  ‘Nonsense,’ she insisted. ‘Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we’re all friends here.’

&nbs
p; The husband agreed, so they settled down in bed together: the husband was in the middle, the wife on his left, and the friend on his right. Soon the husband began snoring loudly, and the wife sneaked over to the friend’s side of the bed and invited him to have sex with her.

  ‘Look, I’d really like to,’ said the friend. ‘You know I’ve always fancied you. But it wouldn’t be right, not in the same bed as your husband. Anyway, he’ll wake up, and then he’ll kill me!’

  ‘Don’t worry about him,’ said the wife. ‘He’s such a heavy sleeper, he’ll never notice. If you don’t believe me, just yank a hair out of his ass. He won’t even wake up.’

  So the friend pulled a hair from the husband’s ass, and sure enough he didn’t even flinch. Reassured, he proceeded to have sex with the wife who then returned to her side of the bed.

  But she was restless, and thirty minutes later she was back on the friend’s side of the bed, pleading for more sex. The friend was sure the husband would wake up this time, but once more the wife persuaded him to yank a hair from the husband’s ass. And when the husband failed to stir, they had sex again. They carried on like this for the next four hours, always first making sure that it was safe by yanking a hair from the husband’s ass. Finally after about the seventh bout of sex, the wife returned to her side of the bed.

  The husband then rolled over and whispered to his friend: ‘Listen, I don’t care if you screw my wife, but could you please stop using my ass for a scoreboard?’

  21

  A few guys always used to meet up on Fridays after work for a drink. One Friday, Pete showed up late, sat down forlornly at the bar and knocked back his first beer in one gulp.

  ‘You OK?’ asked Bill, another of the gang.

  ‘Not really,’ sighed Pete. ‘This morning my wife told me that she’s rationing our sex life – she’s cutting me back to just once a week. I can’t believe it.’

  Bill put a consoling arm around Pete’s shoulder. ‘You think you’ve got it bad – she’s cut some guys out altogether!’

  22

  When her husband had to cancel his vacation to the Caribbean because of business commitments, a wife decided to go alone. Making the most of her freedom, she allowed herself to be seduced by a black man. After a passionate night of sex, she asked him his name.

  ‘I’m not going to tell you,’ he said, ‘because you’ll laugh.’

  ‘No, I won’t,’ she said.

  ‘You will.’

  ‘I won’t – I promise.’

  ‘OK, my first name is Snow.’

  The woman immediately started laughing.

  ‘I knew you’d make fun of it!’ he said.

  ‘No, it’s just that my husband won’t believe me when I tell him that I had ten inches of Snow every day in the Caribbean!’

  23

  A husband staggered home at two o’clock in the morning. He opened the bedroom door to find another man in bed with his wife. The wife pushed the man off her and demanded to know why her husband was so late home.

  The husband yelled: ‘Who the hell is this guy, and what’s he doing in bed with you?’

  The wife shouted back: ‘Don’t go changing the subject! Where the hell have you been till this time of night?’

  24

  A guy walked into a bar, ordered a double scotch and moaned to the bartender: ‘An irate husband has written to me, threatening to have me killed unless I stop screwing his wife.’

  ‘So why don’t you just stop?’ said the bartender.

  ‘It’s not as easy as that,’ replied the guy. ‘He didn’t sign his name.’

  25

  An old priest was getting fed up with the number of people in his parish who were confessing to adultery. One Sunday in the pulpit, he announced: ‘If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’m quitting!’

  Since he was so popular, the parishioners came up with a code word to avoid incurring his wrath: anyone who had committed adultery would say they had ‘fallen’.

  The arrangement appeared to satisfy the old priest right up until his death. His young replacement soon settled into parish life and visited the mayor to express his concern about safety in the town: ‘You have to do something about the sidewalks,’ the new priest told the mayor. ‘When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.’

  The mayor began to laugh, realizing that nobody had told the new priest about the code word.

  Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and said: ‘I don’t know what you’re laughing about. Your wife has fallen three times already this week!’

  26

  A guy came home late and very drunk. His wife was waiting for him.

  ‘You’ve been kissing someone, haven’t you?’ she barked.

  ‘No.’

  ‘Then explain the lipstick on your shirt.’

  ‘That’s easy,’ he said. ‘I used my shirt to wipe my dick.’

  27

  A missionary was sent to live with a primitive native tribe that lived in the depths of the jungle. He spent several years with the people, during which time he taught them English, and how to read and write. He also taught them the Christian ways of the white man, and one thing that he stressed in particular was the evil of sexual sin, namely no adultery and no fornication.

  One day, the wife of one of the tribe’s noblemen gave birth to a child. But to everyone’s horror, the child was white. Not surprisingly, this caused a veritable stir in the village. The chief sent for the missionary and said: ‘You have taught us the evils of sexual sin, but here is a black woman who gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has been in the village for many years. What is the explanation?’

  The missionary said: ‘No, my good man, you are mistaken. This is a natural occurrence, what we English call an albino. Nature does this on some occasions. For example, look at that flock of sheep. They are all white except among them, look, there is one black sheep.’

  The chief thought it over for a moment, called the missionary forward, and whispered in his ear: ‘OK. Tell you what. You don’t say anything about the black sheep, and I won’t say anything about the white child.’

  28

  A woman was having an affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were having sex when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

  ‘Quick,’ she said to her lover. ‘Into the closet!’

  When the husband reached the bedroom, he spotted two drinking glasses on the table and immediately became suspicious. He started searching the room and eventually discovered the man in the closet.

  ‘Who are you?’ asked the husband.

  ‘I’m an inspector from Bugzap.’

  ‘What are you doing in there?’

  ‘I’m investigating a complaint regarding an infestation of moths.’

  ‘And where are your clothes?’

  The lover looked down at his naked body and said: ‘Those little bastards!’

  29

  A wife arrived home flashing a new diamond ring. ‘Where did you get that?’ asked her husband suspiciously.

  She said: ‘My boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought the ring with my share of the winnings.’

  A week later, she arrived home wearing a new Italian leather coat. ‘Where did you get that?’ asked her husband.

  ‘My boss and I played the lotto, and guess what, we won again. So I bought the coat with my share of the winnings.’

  Three weeks later, she arrived home driving a new Ferrari. ‘Where did you get that?’ asked the husband.

  ‘My boss and I played the lotto, and you’ll never believe it, but we won again. So I bought the car with my share of the winnings.’

  That night she asked her husband to run her a nice warm bath, but when she went into the bathroom she found that the bath water was only a couple of inches deep.

  ‘Why did you only run a little amount of water?’ she asked.

  ‘Well,’
he mumbled sourly, ‘we don’t want you to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?’

  30

  Exhausted from a long day at work, a business executive arrived home to find his wife in bed with a neighbour.

  ‘That’s it!’ stormed the husband. ‘If you’re in bed screwing my wife, I’m going next door to sleep with yours!’

  ‘Go ahead,’ replied the neighbour. ‘The rest will do you good.’

  31

  A couple had been married for over forty years, but with the husband in serious financial trouble, he told his wife that he was thinking of committing suicide.

  ‘Don’t worry, honey,’ she said reassuringly. ‘We’re not as hard up as you think because right from the start of our marriage I’ve been putting aside two dollars every time we had sex. Our savings have now grown to over $100,000!’