The guard came over to console him: ‘Never mind,’ said the guard. ‘Two of you made it, and there’s another train in an hour.’
‘No, you don’t understand,’ said the man. ‘They came to see me off.’
AMERICANS
71
A New England cabbie picked up a woman passenger late at night. She was very drunk and flopped in the front seat next to him, hitching up her short skirt to give him a good view of her pussy.
‘Where to, lady?’ he asked, trying to avert his gaze.
Wrapping an arm around his neck and opening her legs even wider, she whispered: ‘I want you to go where it smells.’
He said: ‘Lady, there’s no way I’m taking you to Pittsburgh at this time of night!’
72
A group of American tourists were visiting Windsor Castle, which is situated directly in the flight path of Heathrow Airport. While they were admiring the castle walls, a plane flew overhead at a relatively low altitude, making a tremendous amount of noise. One of the American tourists complained: ‘Why the heck did they build the castle so close to the airport?’
73
Why do American eighteen-year-olds take sex education courses? – So they can learn what they’ve been doing wrong for the past five years.
74
What do Americans call a TV set that goes five years without need of repair? – An import.
75
A city slicker pulled into a one-street town in the middle of Wyoming. The place seemed deserted apart from an old timer sitting in a rocking chair at the front of the general store.
‘What do you folks do around here?’ asked the city slicker.
The old timer replied slowly: ‘We don’t do nothin’ but hunt ‘n’ fuck.’
‘What do you hunt?’
‘Something to fuck.’
Signs That You Might Be Trailer Trash:
76
Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
77
You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
78
You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
79
You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
80
Your toilet paper has numbers on it.
81
A tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 of improvement.
82
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss.
83
You think a woman who is ‘out of your league’ bowls on a different night.
84
A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter Toronto diner when an American guy, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Canadian ignored the American, who nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said: ‘You Canadian whole bread?’
Annoyed at having his leisurely breakfast interrupted, the Canadian frowned and replied: ‘Of course.’
The American blew a huge bubble and grinned. ‘We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. We collect the crusts in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada.’
The Canadian listened in silence, but the American persisted. ‘D’ya eat jelly with the bread?’
The Canadian sighed. ‘Of course.’
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said: ‘We don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada.’
The Canadian then asked: ‘Do you have sex in the States?’
The American smiled and said: ‘Of course we do.’
The Canadian leaned closer and asked: ‘And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?’
‘We throw them away, of course.’
Now it was the Canadian’s turn to smile. ‘We don’t. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States.’
85
What’s the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale? – A Northern fairytale starts, ‘Once upon a time . . .’ A Southern fairytale starts, ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit . . .’
86
An aborigine was fishing in Queensland, Australia, when a crocodile suddenly leaped from the water and grabbed him by the legs. The crocodile was halfway through devouring the man when a boatload of American tourists passed by. One woman said: ‘I thought aborigines were meant to be bag.’
87
An American inventor went to the US Patents Office to register a new folding bottle.
‘What’s it called?’ asked the clerk.
‘A fottle,’ replied the inventor. ‘It’s short for “folding bottle”.’
‘That’s a silly name,’ said the clerk.
‘And I’ve also invented a folding carton called a farton.’
‘I’m sorry, there’s no way we can allow that. It’s too rude.’
‘Oh, dear,’ said the inventor. ‘Then you’re gonna hate the name of my folding bucket!’
88
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulled up at a bus stop where two Americans were waiting.
‘Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?’ he asked. The two Americans just stared at him.
He tried again. ‘Excusez-moi, parlez-vous Français?’ The two Americans continued to stare.
‘Parlare Italiano?’ asked the Swiss. No response.
‘Hablan ustedes Español?’ he ventured. Still nothing.
The Swiss man then drove off, disgusted.
The first American turned to the other and said: ‘Y’ know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.’
‘Why?’ said the other. ‘That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.’
Some Rejected State Slogans:
89
Alabama: Literassy Ain’t Everything. Ya Want Fries With That?
90
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong.
91
California: As Seen On TV.
92
Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother.
93
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandchildren.
94
Georgia: We Put The ‘Fun’ In Fundamentalist Extremism.
95
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
96
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn.
97
Kentucky: Tobacco Is a Vegetable.
98
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians.
99
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000 Mosquitoes.
100
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State.
101
New Jersey: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney.
102
North Carolina: Five Million People: Fifteen Last Names.
103
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus.
104
Wyoming: Miles And Miles Of Nothing Since 1890.
AMISH
105
A young Amish girl was going out on her first date. As it was a bitterly cold night, she put on some gloves, only to be chastised by her mother who thought gloves were unbecoming of a lady.
The girl protested. ‘What am I supposed to do with my hands if they get cold from riding in the buggy?’
The mother advised: ‘Just stick your hands between your legs and they will get warm.’
The girl obeyed her mother’s wishes and went off on her date. On their way home, her hands got cold, so she placed them between her legs. Her young escort looked across and asked: ‘Why on earth have you got your hands between your legs?’
She replied: ‘
My mother told me that if my hands got cold, I should stick them between my legs to get them warm.’
Her date said: ‘Well, my dick is frozen solid. So would you mind if I stick it between your legs to get it warm?’
The girl could see no harm in the idea and allowed him to stick his dick between her legs.
When she arrived home, she asked her mother: ‘What do you know about dicks?’
Her mother was startled. ‘Why, what do you know about dicks?’
The girl said: ‘All I know is that when they thaw out they make an awful mess!’
106
Two Amish women were picking potatoes one day. Holding two potatoes in her hand, the first Amish woman turned to the other and said: ‘These potatoes remind me of my husband’s testicles.’
The second woman said: ‘Are his testicles that big?’
‘No, they’re that dirty.’
107
What goes clippity-clop, clippity-clop, clippity-clop, bang, bang, bang? – An Amish drive-by shooting.
108
An Amish boy and his father made their first visit to a big city shopping mall. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the two shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
‘What is it?’ asked the boy.
The father, never having seen an elevator before, said: ‘I don’t know.’
They watched intently as an old lady went over to the moving walls and pressed a button. They saw the walls open and the old lady went into a small room. Then the walls closed, and the boy and his father were transfixed as the small numbers above the walls lit up in sequence. The pair continued to gaze in awe until the light reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in reverse order. Finally the walls opened again and out stepped a beautiful young woman.
The father turned to the boy and said: ‘Go get your mother.’
Signs That Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble:
109
He sometimes stays in bed until after 6 a.m.
110
Under his bed, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
111
He defiantly says, ‘If I had a radio, I’d listen to rap.’
112
When you criticize him, he yells, ‘Thou suck!’
113
His name is Jebediah but he prefers to be known as ‘Jeb Daddy’.
114
You discover his secret stash of colourful socks.
115
He uses the slang expression: ‘Talk to the hand ’cos the beard ain’t listening.’
116
He was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese.
117
He has taken to wearing his big black hat backwards.
ANIMALS
118
Three bulls heard that the farmer was introducing a new bull. The three were reluctant to give up any of their cows to the newcomer.
The first bull said proudly: ‘I’ve been here five years, I’ve got a hundred cows, and I’m keeping them.’
The second bull announced: ‘I’ve been here five years, I’ve got fifty cows, and I intend keeping them.’
The third bull, the youngest of the three, warned: ‘I’ve been here a year and although I only have ten cows, I’m gonna keep them.’
A few minutes after their shows of bravado, a lorry pulled up to the farm and out stepped the biggest bull they had ever seen – a truly awesome creature. The first two bulls immediately backed down and said the newcomer could have as many of their cows as he wanted. Meanwhile the third bull began pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
The first bull went over to him and said: ‘Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell the tale.’
The third bull said: ‘Hey, as far as I’m concerned he can have all my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull!’
119
A female elephant was walking through the jungle one day when she got a thorn in her foot. The further she walked, the more it hurt until eventually she began to limp. After a while, an ant came over to her and asked: ‘What’s the matter?’
The elephant replied: ‘I’ve got this thorn in my foot, and I would do anything to get it out.’
The ant said: ‘Anything?’ Would you let me butt-fuck you?’
The elephant thought about it for a minute and decided what the hell. How bad could an ant be? So she agreed. The ant started pulling on the thorn and soon got it out. True to her word, the elephant lay down on her side and moved her tail out of the way. The ant crawled up on her and started getting to work.
This unlikely scene was watched from the top of a tree by a monkey who laughed so much that he accidentally knocked a coconut out of the tree. The coconut crashed down on the elephant’s head, right between her ears.
‘Aaaaargh!’ moaned the elephant in pain.
The ant yelled: ‘Take it all bitch, take it all!’
120
What’s the difference between a dog and a fox? – About eight beers.
121
What’s the difference between a hamster and a cow? – Cows survive the branding.
122
A man went to the doctor and said: ‘I’ve got a huge hole in my ass.’
The doctor said: ‘Drop your pants, bend over and I’ll take a look.’
The man did as requested, and the doctor examined him. ‘My God!’ exclaimed the doctor. ‘What on earth could have made a hole as big as that?’
The patient replied: ‘I’ve been fucked by an elephant!’
The doctor said: ‘But an elephant’s penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous.’
‘Yes,’ said the patient, ‘but he fingered me first.’
123
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a railroad track? – Three pieces of alligator.
124
A little girl walked into a pet shop and asked in the sweetest little lisp: ‘Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?’
As the shopkeeper’s heart melted, he got down on his knees to her level and asked: ‘Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like this cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?’
The little girl leaned forward and said in a quiet voice: ‘I don’t fink my pet python weally gives a thit.’
125
Why do mice have such tiny balls? – Because so few of them can dance.
126
Some of the animals went to see God in order to complain about their lot in life.
The elephant moaned: ‘I really hate this long trunk – it’s always getting in the way. It makes me so clumsy, and if I’m not careful I trip over it.’
‘Maybe,’ said God, ‘but your trunk makes you useful to humans. It allows you to lift huge weights that they cannot manage. Without it, you would serve no purpose.’
While the elephant thought about what God had said, the giraffe butted in. ‘I hate my long neck,’ said the giraffe. ‘It’s such a nuisance in high winds. Why can’t I have something more normal?’
God replied: ‘But your long neck enables you to reach succulent leaves at the very tops of trees – places where no other animal can get to. It gives you a tremendous advantage. Without your long neck, you would always have to battle with shorter creatures for food.’
While the giraffe digested God’s words, the hen interrupted: ‘Either let me have a bigger arse or smaller eggs . . .’
127
Two cows were chatting in a field. The first said: ‘I was artifically inseminated this morning.’
‘I don’t believe you.’
‘It’s true, no bull!’
128
A gorilla and a rhino were best friends until one day, as the rhino bent over to drink from a watering hole, the gorilla took advantage of the situation and buggered him. The rhino reacted angrily and chased the gorilla all over the game reserv
e. Half an hour later and still hotly pursued by the charging rhino, the gorilla spotted an explorer sitting in a chair, reading a newspaper. Creeping up behind the explorer, the gorilla killed him, grabbed his clothes and paper, threw the body behind a bush, and sat down in the chair to read.
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 4