The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes

by Geoff Tibballs

  232

  What goes: CLICK – is that it? CLICK – is that it? CLICK – is that it? – A blind person with a Rubik’s Cube.

  233

  A friend of Stevie Wonder’s bought him a cheese grater for his birthday. A few weeks later, the friend met up with Stevie and asked him whether he liked his present.

  ‘Hey, man!’ replied Stevie. ‘That was the most violent book I’ve ever read!’

  234

  Why are Stevie Wonder’s legs always wet? – Because his dog is blind too.

  235

  What is the name of Stevie Wonder’s favourite book? – Around the Block in Eighty Days.

  236

  A blind man was travelling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit but got no response from the pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower: ‘Help! Help!’

  The tower came back and asked: ‘What’s the problem?’

  The blind guy yelled: ‘Help me! I’m blind. The pilot is dead, and we’re flying upside down!’

  The tower said: ‘How do you know you’re upside down?’

  ‘Because the shit is running down my back!’

  237

  How do you recognize a blind man in a nudist colony? – It’s not hard.

  238

  A little old lady was nearly blind. Her three sons doted on her and each wanted to prove that he was the kindest. The first son, who was very wealthy, bought her a mansion: the second son, who was fairly wealthy, bought her a Mercedes with a chauffeur; the third son, who was much poorer than the other two, spent all his savings on buying her a parrot, which, by virtue of fifteen years’ dedicated training, could recite the entire Bible. Knowing that she was such a devoted churchgoer, he thought it would be an ideal and unique gift for her.

  The old lady told the first son: ‘The house is lovely, but it is too big for me, so I don’t really want it.’

  Then she told the second son: ‘The car is beautiful, but I don’t drive and I don’t care for the driver, so please return the car.’

  Turning to the third son, she said warmly: ‘I just want to thank you for that most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious.’

  239

  Did you hear about the blind circumcisionist? – He got the sack.

  240

  A blind man was at the optician’s with his guide dog. Man and dog were facing the eye chart on the wall. Then the optician took the guide dog away, replaced it with another guide dog and asked the man: ‘There, is that better or worse?’

  241

  Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus were in a bar. Jack turned to Stevie and asked: ‘How is the singing career going?’

  ‘Great,’ said Stevie. ‘The latest album has gone into the top ten, I’m setting off on a world tour next month, so, yeah, pretty good. How’s the golf?’

  ‘Not too bad,’ replied Jack. ‘I don’t play as much as I used to, but I still make a bit of money. I had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that sorted now.’

  Stevie nodded. ‘I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and think about it. Then the next time I play it seems to be all right.’

  ‘You play golf?’ said Jack, surprised.

  ‘Yeah, I’ve been playing for years.’

  ‘But I thought you were blind,’ said Jack. ‘How can you play golf if you’re blind?’

  ‘I’ve got a system,’ explained Stevie. ‘I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway, and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and I play the ball towards him. Then when I get to where the ball lands, the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.’

  ‘But how do you putt?’ asked Jack.

  ‘Well,’ said Stevie, ‘I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice.’

  ‘What’s your handicap?’ asked Jack.

  Stevie replied: ‘I play off scratch.’

  Jack was amazed and said to Stevie: ‘We must play a game sometime.’

  Stevie said: ‘Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money. And I never play for less than $100,000 a hole.’

  Jack thought about it for a moment before saying: ‘OK, I’m up for that. When would you like to play?’

  Stevie said: ‘I don’t mind. Any night next week is OK with me.’

  BLONDES

  242

  A blonde entered a store that sold curtains and told the salesman she wanted to buy a pair of pink curtains. He showed her several patterns but the blonde was struggling to make a choice. Eventually she selected a pink floral print.

  ‘What size curtains do you need?’ asked the salesman.

  ‘Fifteen inches,’ replied the blonde.

  ‘That sounds very small. What room are they for?’

  ‘They’re not for a room,’ said the blonde. ‘They’re for my computer monitor.’

  The salesman was baffled. ‘But, miss, computers do not need curtains!’

  The blonde said: ‘Helloooo! . . . I’ve got Windoooows!’

  243

  Ten blondes and a brunette were on a rock climbing expedition when some of the grappling hooks suddenly gave way, leaving the entire party clinging precariously to the rope two hundred feet above the ground. The situation was so desperate that as a group they decided that one of their number should let go to ease the weight on the rope. No one volunteered until eventually the brunette gave a truly moving speech saying that she would sacrifice her own life to save the lives of the others. All of the blondes applauded.

  244

  A blonde was speeding when a cop pulled her over. The officer, who also happened to be blonde, asked for her driver’s licence.

  The blonde driver searched in her purse, then said: ‘What does a driver’s licence look like?’

  The blonde cop said: ‘You dummy, it’s got your picture on it!’

  The blonde driver finally found a small rectangular mirror at the bottom of her purse. Holding it up to her face, she said, ‘Aha, this must be my driver’s licence,’ and handed it to the blonde cop.

  The blonde policewoman looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said: ‘You’re free to go. And if I had known you were a police officer, too, we could have avoided all of this.’

  245

  Did you hear about the blonde who put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind?

  246

  Did you hear about the blonde who didn’t like breast-feeding her children because it hurt when she boiled her nipples?

  247

  Did you hear about the blonde who, at the bottom of the application form where it said ‘sign here’, put ‘Sagittarius’?

  248

  A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn’t sure how many rolls of wallpaper she’d need but she knew her blonde friend Sharon from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

  ‘Shaz,’ she said, ‘how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?’

  ‘Ten,’ answered Sharon.

  So the blonde bought ten rolls of wallpaper and did the job, but at the end she had two rolls left over.

  ‘Shaz,’ she said, ‘I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I’ve got two left over.’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Sharon. ‘So did I.’

  249

  One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. ‘My daughter,’ said God, ‘you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures, and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but also to grant you anything you wish.’

  ‘Dear Heavenly Father,’ she replied, ‘I am blissfully happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothi
ng material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways.’

  ‘There must be something you would have of me?’ asked God.

  ‘Well, I suppose there is one thing,’ she replied.

  ‘Just name it,’ said God.

  ‘It’s those blonde jokes,’ she said. ‘They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would wish for blonde jokes to stop.’

  ‘Consider it done,’ said God. ‘Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But there you go again, always thinking of others. Surely there is something that I can do just for you.’

  ‘There is one thing,’ she said hesitantly. ‘But it’s really small, and simply not worth your time.’

  ‘Name it. Please,’ said God.

  ‘It’s M&Ms,’ she said. ‘They’re so hard to peel!’

  250

  What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common? – All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

  251

  What’s the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll? – About two cans of hair spray.

  252

  An executive interviewed a blonde for a job. Wanting to find out something about her personality, he asked her: ‘If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?’

  The blonde gave the question careful consideration before answering: ‘The living one.’

  253

  A blonde holding a baby walked into a drugstore and asked to use the store’s baby scale.

  ‘Sorry,’ said the clerk, ‘but our baby scale is broken. However, we can work out the baby’s weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second number from the first.’

  ‘That won’t work,’ said the blonde.

  ‘Why not?’ asked the clerk, mystified.

  ‘Because,’ said the blonde, ‘I’m not the mother – I’m the aunt.’

  254

  A blonde was making her first plane trip. Boarding the aircraft, she found herself a window seat in a non-smoking area and settled down. A few minutes later, however, a guy came over and insisted that she was in his seat. But the blonde flatly refused to move.

  ‘OK, lady,’ he stormed, ‘if that’s the way you want it, you fly the plane!’

  255

  Did you hear about the blonde who got a pair of water-skis? – She’s still looking for a lake with a slope.

  256

  Why does it take longer to build a blond snowman? – Because you have to hollow out the head.

  257

  What did the blonde say when she got a book for her birthday? – Thanks, but I’ve got one already.

  258

  A blonde motorist pulled out sharply from a side road, causing a truck driver to slam on his brakes. The furious trucker stormed over to the blonde’s car and ordered her out. Then he drew a circle on the roadside and told her: ‘Lady, don’t step out of that circle.’

  Overflowing with road rage, he ripped off her wing mirrors, but as he did so, the blonde began laughing. This further infuriated him and, taking a sledgehammer from his truck, he proceeded to smash every window on her car. Still, the blonde roared with laughter. So he picked up the sledgehammer again and, with a violent blow, punctured a gaping hole in her car’s bodywork. Still she laughed hysterically.

  With steam almost coming from his ears, he marched over to her and roared: ‘Lady, I just wrecked your car. What’s so funny?’

  The blonde giggled: ‘Every time you turned around, I stepped out of the circle!’

  259

  A blonde came home from her first day of commuting into the city. Her mother saw that she was looking tired and asked: ‘Honey, are you feeling OK?’

  ‘Not really,’ replied the blonde. ‘I’m nauseous from sitting backwards on the train.’

  ‘Oh, you poor love,’ said the mother. ‘Why didn’t you ask the person sitting opposite you to switch seats?’

  ‘I couldn’t,’ said the blonde. ‘There was no one there.’

  260

  Did you hear about the blonde who faked an orgasm with her vibrator?

  261

  A blonde went to a seafood restaurant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters. Taking pity on them, she hid them in her handbag. Later she went to the woods and set the poor animals free.

  262

  As a trucker stopped for a red light, a blonde caught up with him. She jumped from her car, ran up to his truck and knocked on the door. When he wound down the window, she said: ‘Hi, I’m Kelly. You’re losing some of your load!’ He ignored her and drove on.

  At the next red light, the blonde caught up with him again. Jumping from her car, she ran to his truck and knocked on the door. As if she had never met him before, she trilled: ‘Hi, I’m Kelly. You’re losing some of your load!’ He shook his head at her and drove off.

  At the next red light, the blonde again jumped from her car, ran to the truck and knocked on the door. ‘Hi, I’m Kelly,’ she shouted. ‘You’re losing some of your load!’ The trucker waved his arms at her angrily and drove off.

  At the next red light, the trucker quickly jumped from his cab and ran back to the blonde’s car. As she wound down the window, he said: ‘Hi, I’m Clint, it’s winter in Canada, and I’m driving the salt truck!’

  263

  A blonde in a headscarf decided to take up the accordion. So she went into a music shop and asked to see the accordions.

  ‘They’re over there,’ said the shop owner.

  ‘Right, I’ll have the big red one in the corner.’

  The shop owner looked at her quizzically. ‘You’re a blonde, aren’t you?’

  ‘Yes, how did you know?’

  ‘That big red accordion is a radiator.’

  264

  A young businessman picked up a blonde in a bar and took her back to his place. When she saw the bedroom, she exclaimed: ‘Wow! A water bed! I’ve never had sex on a water bed before!’

  As they lay down on the bed, things soon got hot. She said: ‘Before we go any further, don’t you think we should put on some protection?’

  ‘Good idea,’ he said.

  So the blonde jumped up from the water bed and went into the next room. When she returned she was wearing a lifejacket.

  265

  A blonde called the police to report that she had been assaulted.

  ‘When did this happen?’ asked the officer.

  ‘Ten days ago.’

  ‘Why did you wait until now to report it?’

  ‘Well, I didn’t know I was assaulted till the cheque bounced.’

  266

  A blonde went out of her house and checked her mailbox. Seeing nothing, she closed the mailbox and went back into the house. Ten minutes later, she came out again to check for mail, but, finding nothing, closed the mailbox and returned indoors. When she did this for a third time in quick succession, her nosey neighbour called out: ‘You must be waiting for a very important letter?’

  ‘No,’ said the blonde. ‘But I’m working on my computer and it keeps telling me, “You’ve Got Mail”.’

  267

  Two blondes were strolling along Australia’s Bondi Beach by moonlight. One turned to the other and said: ‘Which do you think is closer? The moon or New York?’

  The other blonde replied: ‘Helloooo! Can you see New York?’

  268

  A blonde rang down to hotel reception to complain that she was trapped in her room. ‘I can’t get out!’ she wailed.

  ‘Why not?’ asked the reception clerk. ‘Have you tried the door?’

  The blonde said: ‘But there are only three doors in here. One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says “Do Not Disturb”.’

  269

  Desperate for money, a blonde decided to kidnap a small boy and hold him for ransom. Having snatched her victim, she wrote a note saying, ‘I’ve kidnapped your son. Tomorrow evening put $10
0,000 in a bag and leave it by the fountain in the park.’ And she signed it mysteriously ‘A. Blonde.’ She then pinned the note to the boy’s jacket and sent him home.

  The following evening, she went to the fountain in the park and found the boy standing there with the bagful of money. He handed the blonde a note that read: ‘How could you do this to a fellow blonde?’

  270

  Why do blondes get confused in the ladies’ room? – Because they have to pull their own pants down.

  271