The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes

by Geoff Tibballs

  367

  What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex? – Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

  368

  What’s the best thing about a blow job? – Ten minutes of silence.

  369

  What’s the difference between an airship and 365 blow jobs? – One’s a good year, the other’s an excellent year.

  370

  A guy went into a whorehouse and said he wanted the best blow job money could buy. The madame said it would cost $150, and told him to go upstairs to a room. A few minutes later, the hooker came in and proceeded to suck him off. Afterwards, she reached under the bed, pulled out a jar and spat in it. The guy enjoyed the whole experience so much that he paid another $150 for a repeat performance.

  The hooker happily gave him another blow job. Afterwards, she again pulled out the jar and spat in it. Intrigued, he asked her what the jar was for.

  She said: ‘I have a bet with the girl across the hall. Whoever fills up their jar first gets to drink them both.’

  371

  A guy was rushing home from the office late one night when he was accosted by a hooker. She said: ‘How ’bout a blow job, honey? Only $50. You look as though you need it – you’re all uptight.’

  ‘No way,’ he said. ‘I’m married.’

  ‘So?’

  ‘My wife will do it for $35.’

  372

  What’s the similarity between lobster thermidor and a blow job? – You only ever get them when you’re away from home.

  373

  Two high school sweethearts promised to stay together forever but, when they went to different colleges hundreds of miles apart, her interest began to cool. When he phoned her, she was never around: if he wrote love letters to her, she would take weeks to reply: even his urgent e-mails did not warrant an immediate response. Eventually she confessed that she wanted to see other guys.

  He took the news badly, and increased the number of calls, letters, and e-mails in an attempt to win her back. She felt harassed by this unwanted bombardment and, to convince him that it was time to move on, she took drastic action: she sent him a Polaroid of her giving her new boyfriend a blow job. Attached was a note that read: ‘I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.’

  Although heartbroken, the guy was also livid. So he decided to mail the photo on to her parents with a note that read: ‘Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money! I’m getting pretty desperate!’

  374

  A salesman was on business in Las Vegas. One evening he got chatting to a woman in a bar and eventually realised that she was a hooker.

  He said: ‘I’ll give you $200 for a mediocre blow job.’

  ‘Honey,’ she answered, ‘for $200, I’ll give you the blow job of a lifetime!’

  ‘You don’t understand,’ he said. ‘I’m not horny, just homesick.’

  BOOKS

  The World’s Shortest Books:

  375

  Lawyers’ Code of Ethics

  376

  The Australian Book of Foreplay

  377

  The World Guide to Good American Beer

  378

  The Canadian Book of Insults

  379

  Mastering Inglish Grammer by George W. Bush

  380

  Al Gore: The Wild Years

  381

  Bill Clinton: A Portrait of Integrity

  382

  Great Swedish Cuisine

  383

  Donald Rumsfeld: My Quest for World Peace

  384

  Princess Anne’s Beauty Tips

  385

  Great British Tennis Players

  386

  Detroit: A Travel Guide

  387

  The Amish Phone Directory

  388

  The Art of Diplomacy by Prince Philip

  389

  O.J. Simpson: My Plan to Find the Real Killers

  390

  The Engineers’ Guide to Fashion

  391

  A History of German Humour

  392

  Fun Days Out in Albania

  393

  Proud to be Black by Michael Jackson

  394

  How to Look Good at Sixty by Keith Richards

  395

  Human Rights Advances in China

  396

  Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette

  397

  Who’s Who in Puerto Rico

  398

  Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

  BOSSES

  399

  The secretary walked into her boss’s office and announced: ‘I’m afraid I have some bad news for you.’

  ‘Kelly,’ said the boss, ‘why do you always bring me bad news? Try to be more positive.’

  ‘OK,’ she said. ‘The good news is you’re not sterile.’

  400

  The boss told four of his employees: ‘We made a heavy loss last quarter, and I’m afraid I’m going to have to let one of you go.’

  The first, a black man, said: ‘I’m a protected minority, you can’t fire me.’

  The second said: ‘And I’m a woman. You can’t get rid of me.’

  The third, an old man, said: ‘And if you fire me, I’ll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it’ll make your head spin!’

  All eyes turned on the young, white, male employee who thought for a second before suggesting meekly: ‘I think I might be gay . . .’

  Things You Wouldn’t Want Your Boss to Overhear:

  401

  After he cut our pay, I’m the one that keyed his car.

  402

  No, I only hack from my work computer.

  403

  The combination is the same as his birthdate.

  404

  Sure, I banged his wife at the Christmas party.

  405

  I only forge his name on the important stuff.

  406

  And then I said, ‘My name’s Kev, and I’m an alcoholic.’

  407

  Don’t worry, the cops will never find out who I really am.

  408

  And so there I was, his daughter was on her knees . . .

  BREASTS

  409

  Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist? – Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

  410

  An old man was sitting on a beach when he spotted a beautiful young girl in a bikini. Walking over to her, he announced boldly: ‘I want to feel your breasts.’

  Disgusted by the suggestion, she told him: ‘Go away, you dirty old man!’

  But the old man repeated: ‘I want to feel your breasts. I’ll give you $20.’

  ‘$20?’ she exclaimed. ‘Are you crazy? Get away from me before I call the police!’

  The old man persisted. ‘I want to feel your breasts. I’ll give you $100.’

  ‘What part of “get lost” don’t you understand?’ she snapped.

  ‘OK,’ said the old man. ‘$200.’

  She paused momentarily to think about it before coming to her senses and answering: ‘I told you, no. Go away NOW!’

  The old man looked at her and said: ‘I’ll give you $500 if you let me feel your breasts.’

  Against her better judgement, she had to admit that it was good money for a quick grope, and, besides, he was a harmless old man. ‘All right,’ she said, ‘I’ll let you feel my breasts for $500, but only for a few seconds.’

  So she loosened her bikini top and he slid his hands underneath. As he caressed her breasts, he began moaning over and over again: ‘Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!’

  She said: ‘Why do you keep going “Oh, my God!”?’

  While continuing to feel her breasts, he answered: ‘Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Wherever am I going to find $500?’

  411

  What are the small bumps around women’s nipples? – It’s
Braille for ‘suck here’.

  412

  A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy godmother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man said ‘Pardon’ to her.

  Walking down the street, the woman accidentally bumped into a man who said: ‘Pardon me.’ To her delight, her breasts immediately grew an inch. The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, and when he begged her pardon, another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven.

  That evening, she walked into an Indian restaurant, and collided with a waiter who bowed and said: ‘A thousand pardons for my clumsy behaviour.’

  The headline in the following morning’s paper read: ‘Indian Waiter Crushed to Death.’

  413

  What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? – If we don’t get some support soon, people are going to think we’re nuts.

  414

  A woman wanted to have surgery to make her breasts bigger. Her husband was all in favour of the idea, but baulked at the cost.

  ‘Why don’t you rub toilet paper between them instead?’ he suggested.

  ‘How will that make my breasts bigger?’ she asked.

  ‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘But it sure worked for your ass!’

  415

  What’s worse than silicon tits? – A cardboard box.

  416

  A teenage girl came downstairs for her date wearing a see-through blouse and no bra. Her grandmother went mad.

  ‘Loosen up,’ said the teenager. ‘These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!’

  And with that she left for her date.

  The next day the teenager came downstairs to find her granny sitting there with no top on. The sight of granny’s wrinkled breasts made the girl want to die, particularly as she was expecting friends to call on her any minute.

  ‘Loosen up,’ said granny. ‘If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets!’

  417

  How do you spot Dolly Parton’s kids in the playground? – They’re the ones with the stretch marks around their mouths.

  418

  A flat-chested woman went shopping for a new bra. She tried six shops in search of a size 28A bra, but couldn’t find one anywhere. She was just about to give up when she stumbled across a small lingerie shop that was run by an elderly deaf lady.

  ‘Have you got any bras in size 28A?’ asked the woman.

  ‘What did you say?’ said the old lady.

  ‘Have you got anything in size 28A?’ repeated the woman, louder.

  ‘Sorry, I didn’t catch that, dear. What is it you want?’

  In despair, the woman lifted up her T-shirt to reveal her breasts. ‘Have you got anything for these?’ she asked.

  The old lady looked at the woman’s breasts and said: ‘Have you tried Clearasil?’

  419

  In the beginning God created Eve, and she had three breasts. After a few weeks, God called on her in the Garden of Eden to make sure that she was having a good time.

  ‘So how’s things?’ asked God.

  ‘Everything here is really lovely,’ said Eve, ‘apart from one problem. It’s these three breasts. The middle one pushes the other two out, as a result of which I’m always knocking them with my arms or bumping into trees with them. I reckon two breasts would be enough. Is there anything you can do?’

  ‘I see your point,’ said God. And with that he removed Eve’s middle breast and threw it into the bushes. ‘There, is that better?’

  ‘Much better,’ said Eve. ‘Thank you.’

  A few weeks later, God visited Eve again to find out how she was adjusting to her new shape.

  ‘Everything is wonderful,’ enthused Eve, ‘apart from just one thing. You see, all the animals in the garden have a mate, but I have nobody. Is there any chance that you can create a mate for me?’

  ‘You’re right,’ said God. ‘I knew there was something I’d forgotten. You do need a mate. I will create Man from a part of your body. Now, let me see . . . Where did I put that useless tit?’

  GEORGE W. BUSH

  420

  While visiting England, George W. Bush was invited to tea with the Queen. He asked her what her leadership philosophy was and she said that it was to surround herself with intelligent people. He asked her how she tested intelligence.

  ‘I ask them the right questions,’ said the Queen. ‘Allow me to demonstrate.’

  So she phoned Tony Blair and said: ‘Prime Minister, please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?’

  Blair replied: ‘It’s me, ma’am.’

  ‘Correct,’ said the Queen. She put down the phone and said: ‘Did you get that, Mr Bush?’

  ‘Yes, ma’am,’ said Bush confidently. ‘Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that.’

  On returning to Washington, he decided to put Donald Rumsfeld to the test. He summoned him to the White House and said: ‘Donald, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.’

  ‘Of course, sir. What’s on your mind?’

  ‘Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?’

  Rumsfeld scratched his head until finally asking: ‘Can I think about it and get back to you?’ Bush agreed.

  Rumsfeld immediately called a meeting of his senior advisers but, after poring over the puzzle for several hours, they were unable to come up with an answer. In desperation he rang Colin Powell and explained his problem.

  ‘Now, look here, Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?’ Powell answered straight away. ‘It’s me, of course, you dumb ass!’

  A relieved Rumsfeld rushed back to the White House and told the President: ‘I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s Colin Powell!’

  And Bush replied in disgust: ‘Wrong, you dumb ass! It’s Tony Blair!’

  421

  George W. Bush was visiting a fourth grade class at an elementary school. The kids were in the middle of talking about words and their meanings, and the teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word ‘tragedy’. So Bush asked the class for an example of a ‘tragedy’.

  One little boy stood up and offered: ‘If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.’

  ‘No,’ said Bush, ‘that would be an accident.’

  A little girl raised her hand. ‘If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy.’

  ‘I’m afraid not,’ explained the President. ‘That’s what we would call a “great loss”.’

  The room fell silent until Bush asked: ‘Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?’

  Finally a boy at the back named Johnny raised his hand and suggested: ‘If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs Bush, was struck by a missile and blown to pieces, that would be a tragedy.’

  ‘Correct,’ said Bush. ‘And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?’

  ‘Well,’ said Johnny, ‘because, like you just told us, it wouldn’t be an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss.’

  422

  How did George W. Bush create 14 million new jobs? – 13 million of them are comedians.

  423

  George W. Bush was visiting famous Washington landmarks for inspiration. At the Washington monument he asked: ‘What can I do to be a strong President?’

  George Washington’s spirit replied: ‘Maintain a strong army and rule it wisely.’

  At the Jefferson monument he asked: ‘What can I do to be a strong ruler?’

  Thomas Jefferson’s spirit said: ‘Maintain the constitution and listen to the people.’

  At the Lincoln monument
Bush asked: ‘How can I best listen to the people? What do they really want?’