The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes

by Geoff Tibballs

  514

  A Spanish guy, a Russian guy and a Chinese guy were all working for the same construction company. At the start of the day the boss came out and said to the Spanish guy: ‘You’re in charge of the cement.’ Then he said to the Russian guy: ‘You’re in charge of the dirt.’ Then he said to the Chinese guy: ‘You’re in charge of supplies.’ Finally he said: ‘I’m gonna be back at the end of the day to check your work. It better be good or you’re fired.’ So they all went off to get their work done.

  At the end of the day, the boss returned to check on their work. He looked at the big pile of cement and said to the Spanish guy: ‘Good work.’

  Then he looked at the big pile of dirt and said to the Russian guy: ‘Good work.’

  But he couldn’t find the Chinese guy, so he asked: ‘Where the heck is he?’

  Just then the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the big pile of dirt and yelled: ‘SUPPLIES!’

  CHRISTMAS

  515

  Like all pilots, Santa Claus receives regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration to ensure that all of his equipment is in proper working order for the festive season. In preparation for the FAA examiner’s inspection last month, Santa got the elves to wash the sleigh and bathe all the reindeer. Santa then went through his books to make sure they were right up to date, for he knew that the examiner would be extremely thorough.

  On arrival, the examiner walked slowly around the sleigh. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph’s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa’s weight and balance calculations for the sleigh’s enormous load.

  Finally they were ready for the test ride, in which Santa’s flying skills would come under intense scrutiny. Santa got in to the sleigh, fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. All the reindeer were in position. Then the examiner hopped in, carrying, to Santa’s surprise, a shotgun.

  ‘What’s that for?’ asked Santa nervously.

  The examiner winked and confided: ‘I’m not supposed to tell you this ahead of time, but you’re gonna lose an engine on takeoff.’

  516

  Why is Santa’s sack so big? – Because he only comes once a year.

  517

  A boy was sitting on Santa’s lap. Santa put his finger on the boy’s nose and, tapping out the letters, said: ‘I bet your name is J-i-m-m-y.’

  The little boy’s eyes lit up. Then Santa put his finger on the boy’s nose again and, tapping out the letters, said: ‘I bet you want a b-i-k-e.’

  ‘How did you know that?’ asked the boy.

  ‘Because I’m Santa, and I know everything.’

  The little boy thought for a moment and said: ‘I bet you like g-i-r-l-s?’

  ‘Well, yes,’ said Santa. ‘How did you know that?’

  The boy replied. ‘Because your finger smells like p-u-s-s-y!’

  THE CHURCH

  518

  On his deathbed, an ageing preacher sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both of whom were church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on either side of the bed. The preacher gripped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared silently at the ceiling.

  Both the banker and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher should ask them to be with him during his final moments. But they were also puzzled. For the preacher had never previously given any indication that he particularly liked either of them. Indeed they remembered how his many long sermons about greed made them squirm uncomfortably in their seats.

  Finally the banker broke the silence by saying: ‘Preacher, why did you ask us to come?’

  The preacher replied: ‘Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go.’

  519

  What’s Catholic Alzheimer’s Disease? – It’s when you forget everything but the guilt.

  520

  A man attended a service at a small church in the Deep South one Sunday morning and was so moved by the preacher’s sermon that at the end, he stopped to shake the clergyman’s hand.

  ‘Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!’

  The preacher replied: ‘Why, thank you, sir, but please, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t use profanity in the Lord’s house.’

  ‘I’m sorry. Reverend,’ the man continued, ‘but I can’t help myself. It was such a damn fine sermon!’

  The Reverend replied: ‘Sir, please! I cannot have you behaving this way in church.’

  ‘OK, Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn fine, I put $5,000 in the collection plate.’

  The Reverend’s eyes widened as he said: ‘No shit!’

  521

  Did you hear about the guy who told jokes about religion? – He was put on the Sects Offenders List.

  522

  A man was hit by a bus in a busy street in New York City. As he lay dying on the sidewalk, a crowd of onlookers gathered around.

  ‘A priest,’ he gasped. ‘Somebody get me a priest.’

  A police officer checked the crowd but there was no clergyman present.

  ‘A priest, please!’ spluttered the dying man again.

  Then out of the crowd stepped an elderly man. ‘Sir,’ he said to the policeman, ‘I’m not a priest, in fact I’m not even a Catholic. But for the past forty-eight years I’ve lived behind St Mary’s Catholic Church on Twelfth. Avenue, and every night I listen to the Catholic litany. So maybe I can be of some comfort to this man.’

  The police officer thought this a good idea and beckoned the old man over. The old man knelt down, leaned over the dying man and said solemnly: ‘On its own, number six: legs, eleven: two fat ladies, eighty-eight: four and six, forty-six . . .’

  Why Beer is Better Than Religion:

  523

  If you have a beer, you don’t go around door to door trying to give it to someone else.

  524

  Nobody has ever been hanged, tortured, or burned at the stake over his particular brand of beer.

  525

  You don’t have to wait over 2,000 years for a second beer.

  526

  No one will kill you for not drinking beer.

  527

  Beer does not tell you when or how to have sex.

  528

  You can prove you have a beer.

  529

  There are laws saying beer labels can’t lie to you.

  530

  There have been virtually no major wars fought over beer.

  531

  They don’t force beer on minors who can’t think for themselves.

  532

  You can switch your brand of beer whenever you want without losing your beer-drinking friends.

  533

  If you have devoted your entire life to beer, there are groups you can join to help you stop.

  534

  Did you hear they’re coming out with a new Catholic version of Playboy? – It has the same centrefold as the regular edition, but you have to pull it out at just the right moment.

  535

  A Southern Baptist minister was addressing his congregation. ‘Today I am a sad man. And I’m gonna tell you why I am a sad man. I am a sad man because a member of this church has been spreading the word that I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan. That person has not had the courage to speak this falsehood to my face, so I call upon them to stand up now before you all and tell me why they have been peddling such malicious lies.’

  An attractive blonde woman stood up nervously.

  ‘You?’ said the minister, shocked. ‘My own sister-in-law? How could you say such things about me?’

  ‘I didn’t mean any harm,’ said the woman. ‘It was all a terrible misunderstanding. All I did was tell my friend you were a wizard beneath the sheets!’

  536

  Two Irishmen were sitting in a bar, watching the entrance
to the brothel across the street. A Baptist minister went in, and one of the Irishmen said: ‘Ah, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.’ Then a rabbi went in, and the Irishman shook his head sadly and remarked: ‘’Tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation.’ A few minutes later, a Catholic priest went in. ‘Ah, what a terrible shame,’ said the Irishman. ‘One of the girls must be very ill.’

  537

  A minister decided to do something a little different for his Sunday morning service. ‘Today, congregation,’ he announced, ‘I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes into your head.’

  First, the pastor yelled out, ‘Cross!’ Immediately the congregation started singing ‘The Old Rugged Cross’. Then the pastor yelled out, ‘Grace!’ And the congregation began to sing ‘Amazing Grace’. Next the pastor shouted out, ‘Sex!’ The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all shifted uncomfortably in their seats, glancing at each other, afraid to say anything. Then suddenly, from the very back of the church, a little ninety-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing, ‘Precious memories . . .’

  BILL CLINTON

  538

  Bill Clinton died and went straight to hell. When he arrived there, the Devil greeted him and offered him three ways to spend eternity. At the first door the Devil showed him Newt Gingrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire raging beneath him.

  ‘No, thank you,’ said Clinton. ‘That’s not how I want to spend all eternity.’

  They went to the second door where Rush Limbaugh was chained to the wall being tortured.

  ‘That’s not for me, either,’ said Clinton.

  So they moved on to the third door. Behind it was Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blow job.

  Clinton’s face lit up. ‘Yeah, looks OK to me. I’ll take it.’

  The Devil said: ‘Good. Hey, Monica, you’ve been replaced.’

  539

  The wives of three world leaders were talking about what a penis is called in their country.

  Tony Blair’s wife said: ‘In England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.’

  The wife of Jacques Chirac said: ‘In France we call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.’

  Bill Clinton’s wife said: ‘In the US we call it a rumour, because it goes from mouth to mouth.’

  540

  Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican? – The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

  541

  In an ambassadorial role, former President Clinton met the Pope for an international summit. Their meeting was supposed to last for an hour, but instead it went on for two days.

  Finally an exhausted but smiling Clinton emerged and revealed to the world’s media that the summit had been a resounding success. ‘I am pleased to announce that the Pope and myself have reached agreement on 80 per cent of the matters we discussed.’

  But when the Pope appeared a few minutes later, he had a different story to tell. Looking tired and dismayed, he declared that the meeting with the former President had been a failure.

  Confused, one reporter asked: ‘But your Holiness, former President Clinton just announced that the summit was a great success and that you agreed on 80 per cent of the things you discussed.’

  ‘That is true,’ replied the Pope wearily. ‘But we were talking about the Ten Commandments.’

  542

  What’s green and smells like Monica Lewinsky? – The pool table in the oval office.

  543

  Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the River Jordan, looking across at the Promised Land. The Archangel standing on the opposite bank yelled across to the three Americans: ‘Each of you will have to wade across the river to reach the Promised Land. But don’t worry. You will sink only in accordance with your sins on Earth. The more you have sinned, the deeper into the water you will sink.’

  Bush decided to go first, and the water was soon up to his waist. Fearing that his sins were catching up with him, he inched precariously across the river but, against all the odds, he managed to reach the other side. As he did so, he turned around to see how the others were doing. To his amazement, he saw that the water was only up to Al Gore’s ankles.

  Bush protested to the Archangel: ‘I have known Al Gore for many years, and he has sinned much more than that.’

  Before the Archangel could reply, Gore shouted out: ‘I’m standing on Clinton’s shoulders!’

  544

  What is Monica Lewinsky’s favourite musical instrument? – She’s good at the piano, but she sucks at the organ.

  545

  When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said: ‘I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it.’

  In all their years of marriage, Hillary never looked until, on their thirtieth wedding anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were three empty beer cans and $1,943.58 in cash.

  Hillary intended keeping quiet about her discovery, but eventually she came clean and confessed to looking in the box. ‘I truly am sorry,’ she said. ‘I just couldn’t hold back any longer. After thirty years of living in suspense, I simply had to know what was in the box. But tell me, Bill, why do you keep empty beer cans in there?’

  Bill gave the matter careful consideration before replying: ‘I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.’

  Hillary took stock of his reply and said: ‘I admit to being very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after so many years away from home on the road, temptation does happen. And I guess three times is not that bad considering the number of years we’ve been together.’

  They hugged and made their peace. Then five minutes later, Hillary asked Bill: ‘So why do you have all that money in the box?’

  Bill said: ‘Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash.’

  546

  What did Clinton say to Hillary when he felt like making love? – ‘I’ll be back in an hour.’

  547

  A little boy and a little girl were sitting on their porch.

  The girl said: ‘Do you want to get undressed and we can play doctor?’

  The boy said: ‘That’s too old-fashioned. Spit out your gum – I want to play President.’

  548

  During a staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses and St Peter concluded that the behaviour of former President Clinton had necessitated the creation of an eleventh commandment. The three worked long and hard in a brainstorming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment because they were aware that it should have the same majesty and dignity as the other ten. After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be: ‘Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff.’

  549

  What did it say under Monica Lewinsky’s picture in her high school yearbook? – Most Likely to Suck Seed.

  550

  Hillary Clinton went to a fortune-teller who revealed: ‘I have some bad news. Bill is going to die a horrible death.’

  Hillary said: ‘Can you tell me one thing? Will I be acquitted?’

  551

  In the year 2025, Bill Clinton died and approached the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

  ‘And who might you be?’ inquired St Peter.

  ‘It’s me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World.’

  ‘How can I help you?’ asked St Peter.

  ‘Well, I’d like to come in,’ said Clinton.

  ‘OK,’ said St Peter, ‘but first you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you don
e in your life?’

  Clinton shifted uncomfortably and answered: ‘Well, I tried marijuana, but you can’t call it “dope-smoking” because I didn’t inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can’t call it “adultery” because I didn’t have full “sexual relations”. And I made some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you can’t call it “bearing false witness” because, as far as I know, it didn’t meet the legal standard for perjury.’