The widow said: ‘I know, but I figured it would be better for him to be remembered as a great lover rather than the big shit he really was.’
DISABILITY
698
One day a man with no arms and no legs was on a beach sunning himself when he noticed three beautiful women approaching him.
The first woman bent down and said: ‘Have you ever been hugged before?’
‘No,’ he replied.
And she hugged him warmly.
The second woman bent down and said: ‘Have you ever been kissed before?’
‘No,’ he said.
And she kissed him tenderly.
Then the third woman bent down and said: ‘Have you ever been fucked before?’
‘No,’ he gasped excitedly.
‘Well, you are now. The tide’s coming in!’
699
Two strangers in the street approached each other from opposite directions, each dragging their left legs.
Glancing down at his leg, one man said: ‘Vietnam, 1969.’
The other said: ‘Dog doo, about a block ago.’
700
A man hobbled into church on crutches. Stopping in front of the holy water, he splashed some on both legs, then threw his crutches away. An altar boy, who had witnessed the incident, ran to tell the priest.
‘My son,’ said the priest, ‘you have just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man now?’
The boy replied: ‘Lying on his back by the font.’
701
A woman gave birth to a baby that was just a head – no arms or legs, not even a torso. But the couple loved it dearly and indulged it. After twenty years, they finally found time to take a vacation in Europe where they met a Swiss doctor who had recently pioneered a major medical breakthrough. He told the couple: ‘I can attach a body, arms and legs to your child, to make him whole.’
The couple cut their trip short, rushed home excitedly and into the room where the head lay in its crib, and said: ‘Honey, Mom and Dad have the most wonderful surprise for you!’
The voice from the crib said: ‘Not another fucking hat!’
702
A guy with a bad stutter walked into a bar and said: ‘B-b-b-bartender, g-g-g-gimme a b-b-b-beer.’ The bartender, who had a hunched back, served him and said: ‘That’ll be $2.50 please.’
The guy was shocked at the price and said: ‘D-d-d-damn! Th-th-th-that’s h-h-h-high!’
The bartender said: ‘Sorry, those are our prices.’
The guy paid him and ten minutes later said: ‘B-b-b-bartender, g-g-g-gimme a w-w-w-whiskey.’
The bartender served him a shot of whiskey and said: ‘That’ll be $5.00 please.’
Once again the guy was horrified by the price. ‘D-d-d-damn! Th-th-th-that’s h-h-h-high!’
The bartender apologized again. ‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘Those are our prices.’
The guy paid him, drank his whiskey and before leaving, said: ‘B-b-b-bartender, th-th-th-thanks f-f-f-for n-n-n-not m-m-m-making f-f-f-fun of my s-s-s-stuttering w-w-w-while I was in h-h-h-here.’
The bartender said: ‘Oh, that’s OK. I want to thank you for not making fun of my hunched back while you were here.’
The guy said: ‘A-actually, e-everything else in th-this p-place w-was s-so h-high, I th-thought it w-was y-your ass!’
703
A man said to his neighbour: ‘Did you go to the Paralympics?’
‘No,’ said the neighbour, ‘we had to turn around and come home. We couldn’t get a parking space anywhere near the place.’
704
A guy called round to visit his disabled friend who lived in a large bungalow. After talking for a while, the wheelchair-bound man said: ‘My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to get my sneakers from the main bedroom?’
The guest obliged and went through to the bedroom where he bumped into his friend’s two teenage daughters, both of whom were extremely attractive. Thinking on his feet, he said: ‘Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you.’
The girls stared at him and said: ‘That can’t be!’
‘OK,’ he replied. ‘Let’s check.’
So he shouted through to his friend: ‘Both of them?’
Back came the reply: ‘Yes, both of them.’
705
What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs who gives good head? – Partially disabled.
706
What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs who’s lying on a grill? – Patty.
707
A man with no arms walked into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender pushed the foaming glass in front of him.
‘I’m sorry,’ said the customer, ‘but I’ve got no arms. Would you mind holding the glass up to my mouth?’
‘Sure,’ said the bartender, and he did.
‘Now,’ said the customer, ‘I wonder if you’d be so kind as to pull my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth?’
‘Certainly,’ said the bartender. And it was done.
‘If,’ continued the armless man, ‘you’d reach in my right hand pants pocket, you’ll find the money for the beer.’
The bartender got it.
‘You’ve been very kind,’ said the customer. ‘Just one thing more: where is the men’s room?’
‘Out the door,’ said the bartender, ‘turn left, walk two blocks, and there’s one in a filling station on the corner.’
708
Quasimodo arrived home to find Esmerelda holding a wok and a laundry basket.
‘Great,’ said Quasimodo. ‘Are you cooking Chinese tonight?’
‘No,’ said Esmerelda, ‘I’m ironing your shirt.’
709
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs standing on a stage? – Mike.
710
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs holding a drill bit in his teeth? – Chuck.
711
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a stream? – Eddy.
712
Three guys entered a disabled swimming contest. The first had no arms, the second had no legs, and the third had no body, just a head. The guy with no legs took the lead, closely followed by the guy with no arms while the head sank straight to the bottom of the pool. Four lengths later, the guy with no legs came home first and, because he could still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, he decided he ought to dive down and rescue the head. So he plunged down, collected the head and brought it back up to the surface. He then placed it by the side of the pool.
The head began coughing and spluttering violently. ‘I’ve spent two years learning to swim with my ears,’ shouted the head, ‘and then thirty seconds before the start some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!’
713
A guy with a wooden leg wanted to insure it against fire damage. The first company he approached was unsure how to categorize a wooden leg but quoted him an annual premium of $750. However he thought that was a bit high so he tried another firm who quoted him a yearly payment of just $75.
‘How come your charges for insuring my wooden leg are so low?’ he asked.
The insurance agent drew the man’s attention to the fire policy ratings table and said: ‘It’s all here in black and white. The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler.’
714
Quasimodo was running along the street being chased by a pack of kids. He stopped, turned around, and shouted: ‘Get lost, all of you! I haven’t got your bloody ball!’
715
A guy started talking to Siamese twins in a bar, and they ended up back at his apartment. While making love to one, he started to work on the other. Realizing that the first one might get bored watching, he asked her what she’d like to do.
She said: ‘Is that a trombone in the corner? I’d love to play your trombone.’
So she played the trombone while the guy screwed her sister.
A few weeks la
ter the girls were walking past the guy’s apartment building. One said: ‘Let’s stop and see that guy.’
The other said: ‘Gee . . . do you think he’ll remember us?’
DISEASE
716
The Mother Superior called the nuns together and said to them: ‘I have something to tell you. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent.’
‘Thank God,’ said an elderly nun at the back of the room, ‘I’m so tired of Chardonnay.’
717
How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat? – By sitting down before the last guy gets up.
718
At the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting alone. He was excited to see that she had both hands up her skirt and was fingering herself furiously. Increasingly aroused, he moved to the seat next to her and offered to help. To his delight, she welcomed the gesture, so he began fingering her like crazy. When he eventually tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.
‘Wasn’t I good enough?’ he asked sheepishly.
‘You were great,’ she said, ‘but these crabs are still itching!’
719
What’s yellow and green and eats nuts? – Gonorrhoea.
720
There was this woman who was desperate to meet a man. She went to single bars, singles dances and went on singles holidays but she could never meet anyone willing to go on a date with her. Eventually in desperation, she went to a sex doctor by the name of Dr Chang.
‘Please, doctor,’ she began, ‘help me find out what’s wrong with me.’
‘Take off all yur cwothes,’ he ordered.
So she did.
Then he said: ‘Now get on yur hands and knees and crawl real fass away from me, then crawl real fass back to me.’
So she did.
Then he sat down behind his desk and said: ‘You got real bad case of Zachary disease.’
‘What’s that,’ she asked.
Dr Chang replied: ‘That’s when yur face look zachary like yur ass.’
721
What do you call a man with Parkinson’s disease who shaves? – Nick.
722
A jelly baby went to the doctor. After examining him, the doctor said: ‘You’ve picked up a sexually transmitted disease.’
‘Is that it?’
‘You don’t sound very surprised, jelly baby.’
‘I’m not. I’ve been sleeping with allsorts.’
723
A guy was dying of cancer. Realizing it might be his last chance to say goodbye, he summoned his friends to the local bar. There, he told everyone that he had AIDS.
His son took him to one side and whispered: ‘I thought you said you are dying from cancer? Yet you just told your friends you are dying from AIDS!’
‘That’s because I don’t want any of those bastards shagging your mother after I’m dead.’
724
The doctor informed his patient that he had a nasty case of Hags.
‘What the hell is Hags?’ asked the patient.
‘It’s a combination of herpes, AIDS, gonorrhoea and syphilis,’ explained the doctor. ‘The only cure is total isolation and a diet of pancakes and bacon.’
‘Why pancakes and bacon?’ inquired the patient.
The doctor said: ‘It’s the only food we can slide under the door.’
725
A guy had $10 left in his pocket, and decided to spend it on a cheap hooker. After a night of hardcore sex in a dirty hotel room, he woke in the morning to find that he had got crabs. So he went searching for the hooker. When he found her on a street corner, he yelled: ‘Hey, bitch, you gave me crabs!’
She said: ‘What did you expect for $10? Lobsters?’
726
A guy was using a public urinal when a man with no arms came up to him and asked: ‘Can you give me a hand?’
He reluctantly agreed to help, unzipped the stranger’s pants and gingerly took out his penis. To his horror, it was green and mouldy. Nevertheless, taking a deep breath, he continued to hold it while the stranger urinated before giving it a shake and zipping it back in his pants.
‘Thanks,’ said the stranger. ‘I owe you.’
‘That’s OK. But tell me, what the hell is wrong with your dick?’
The stranger pulled his arms out into his sleeves and said: ‘Dunno, but there’s no way I’m going to touch it!’
727
What’s the first sign of AIDS? – A pounding sensation in the ass.
728
How did the tugboat get AIDS? – It was rear-ended by a ferry.
729
An old man sighed: ‘Arthritis is the cruellest disease.’
‘Crueller than cancer?’ queried his friend.
‘You bet. It makes every single one of your joints stiff, except the right one.’
730
Seamus hired a hooker for the night but, when she turned up at his hotel room, they realized that neither of them had any condoms. Since the girl didn’t want to miss out on her money and Seamus had no objections, they had unprotected sex.
Afterwards Seamus turned to the girl and said: ‘My God, I’ve just had an awful thought. You haven’t got AIDS, have you?’
‘No,’ said the girl.
‘Thank heavens for that,’ sighed Seamus. ‘I’d hate to catch it twice.’
731
A guy said to his friend: ‘Are you still seeing that girl?’
‘No, she bled to death from gonorrhoea.’
‘You don’t bleed to death from gonorrhoea.’
The friend said: ‘You do if you give it to me.’
DIVORCE
732
A divorced guy was delighted when his daughter reached her 18th birthday because it would be his final child support payment. Month after month, year after year he had paid, and now at last he would be free of the financial burden.
So he called his daughter over to his house and said: ‘I want you to take this last cheque to your mother’s house. You tell her this is the last cheque she’s ever going to get from me. Then I want you to come back here and tell me the expression she had on her face.’
The girl took the cheque and returned a couple of hours later. ‘Well,’ said the father gleefully, ‘what did she have to say?’
The girl replied: ‘She told me to tell you that you ain’t my dad.’
733
What’s the definition of irreconcilable differences? – When she’s melting down her wedding ring to cast it into a bullet.
734
Addressing a middle-aged woman, the judge said: ‘Tell me, on what grounds do you wish to divorce your husband?’
‘Adultery,’ she replied.
‘And what evidence do you have to support this claim?’ asked the judge.
The woman said: ‘I’m certain he’s not the father of my sixth child.’
DOCTORS
735
‘Doc,’ said Joe, ‘I want to be castrated.’
‘Why?’ asked the doctor, amazed.
‘It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done.’
The doctor frowned. ‘Have you thought it through properly? It’s a very serious operation and, once it’s done, there’s no going back. It will change your life for ever.’
‘I know all that, but I’ve made my decision. I want to be castrated and if you won’t refer me to a surgeon, I’ll go to another doctor.’
‘OK,’ sighed the doctor, ‘but it’s against my better judgement.’
Joe went ahead with it and the day after the operation he was walking painfully along the hospital corridor, legs apart, with his drip stand. Heading towards him was another patient walking exactly the same way.
‘Hi,’ said Joe, ‘looks like you’ve had the same operation as me.’
‘Well,’ said the other patient, ‘I finally decided that after thirty-seven years of life I would like to be circumcized.’
Joe s
tared at him in horror. ‘Shit! That’s the word!’
736
A few days before his proctological examination, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. Since he appeared to suffer no ill effects, he forgot all about it.
So he kept his appointment and, once inside the doctor’s office, he undressed and bent over as requested. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man’s ass was that eye staring right back at him.
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 19