After a while the rabbit and the giraffe came across an elephant about to do a line of coke. The rabbit said: ‘Hey, elephant, you shouldn’t do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead.’ The elephant looked at him, looked at the line of cocaine, shrugged his shoulders, then ran off through the woods with the rabbit and the giraffe.
Soon the three animals stumbled across a bear about to shoot up heroin. The rabbit ran up to him and said: ‘Hey, bear, you shouldn’t do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead.’ The bear looked at him, looked at the syringe, shrugged his shoulders, threw the syringe away and ran off through the woods with the rabbit, the giraffe and the elephant.
A few minutes later they met a tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer. The rabbit ran up to the tiger and said: ‘Hey, tiger, you shouldn’t do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead.’ The tiger immediately jumped up and start beating the hell out of the rabbit. The giraffe grabbed the tiger and managed to pull him off the rabbit.
‘What do you think you’re doing, man?’ asked the giraffe.
The tiger replied: ‘Ah, that little fucker really pisses me off: he always makes me run round the bloody woods when he’s on Ecstasy!’
775
Why is sex like pot? – The quality depends on the pusher.
776
A monkey was sitting in a tree in the jungle, smoking a joint, when a lizard walked past, looked up, and said: ‘What are you doing?’
‘I’m smokin’ a joint,’ said the monkey. ‘Come on up and have some.’
So the lizard climbed the tree and smoked a joint, but after half an hour his mouth was dry. ‘I’m going to get a drink of water from the river,’ he told the monkey. So he climbed back down the tree and found a bush overhanging the water. But when he leaned over, he was so stoned that he toppled off his branch and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and asked the lizard what had happened. The lizard explained: ‘I was up in a tree smoking a joint with a monkey, and then I came down for a drink. But I’m so drugged up, I leaned over too far and fell in.’
The crocodile decided to check out the lizard’s story, and ambled off into the jungle. Eventually he found the tree where the monkey was sitting finishing a joint.
The crocodile yelled: ‘Hey!’
The monkey looked down and said: ‘Bugger me! How much water did you drink?’
777
Up in heaven, Jesus convened all the apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting to discuss the spiralling world drug consumption. Following a lengthy debate, they decided that they should try the different types of drugs themselves before settling on a course of action to ensure the salvation of mankind. It was therefore decided that a select commission should return to Earth to acquire various drugs. Two days later the appointed disciples began to return to heaven.
‘Who is it?’ asked Jesus as the first caller arrived.
‘It’s Paul.’
Jesus opened the door.
‘What did you bring, Paul?’
‘Hashish from Morocco.’
‘Very well, Paul. Come in.’
A few minutes later, there was a second visitor. ‘Who is it?’ asked Jesus.
‘It’s Mark.’
Jesus opened the door.
‘What did you bring, Mark?’
‘Marijuana from Colombia.’
‘Very well, Mark. Come in.’
Soon there was another knock. ‘Who is it?’ asked Jesus.
‘It’s Luke.’
Jesus opened the door.
‘What did you bring, Luke?’
‘Speed from Amsterdam.’
‘Very well, Luke. Come in.’
Five minutes later, there was another caller. ‘Who is it?’ asked Jesus.
‘It’s Matthew.’
Jesus opened the door.
‘What did you bring, Matthew?’
‘Cocaine from Colombia.’
‘Very well, Matthew. Come in.’
A few minutes later, another caller turned up. ‘Who is it?’ asked Jesus.
‘It’s John.’
Jesus opened the door.
‘What did you bring, John?’
‘Crack from New York.’
‘Very well, John. Come in.’
Ten minutes later, there was another knock on the door. ‘Who is it?’ asked Jesus.
‘It’s Judas.’
Jesus opened the door.
‘What did you bring, Judas?’
‘The FBI. OK, you mother fuckers! Everybody up against the wall!’
DRUNKS
778
Two drunks were sitting at a bar when one smelt something foul. He turned to the other and said, ‘Hey, man, did you just shit yourself?’
‘Yeah,’ said the second drunk.
‘Get out of here! Why don’t you go clean yourself up?’
‘I ain’t through yet.’
779
Three lads were drinking in a bar when a guy, clearly the worse for wear, came over to them, pointed at the one in the middle and said, in a drunken slur: ‘I’ve shagged your mom.’
The bewildered lads ignored him and he went back to drinking at the bar.
Ten minutes later he came over again and announced: ‘Your mom has sucked my cock.’
Again the lads ignored him and he staggered back to the bar.
After another ten minutes he came back and shouted: ‘I’ve had your mom up the arse.’
By now the lads had heard enough and one in the middle stood up and said: ‘Look, Dad, you’re pissed. Now fuck off home.’
780
A young man was staggering about drunk with a key in his hand.
‘What’s going on?’ inquired a passing cop.
‘They stole my car!’ said the man.
‘Where did you last see it?’
‘On the end of this key!’
The cop looked him over and said: ‘Are you aware, sir, that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?’
‘Holy shit!’ exclaimed the man. ‘They got my girlfriend too!’
781
A drunk staggered out of a bar and began walking down the street, one foot on the kerb, the other foot on the street.
Seeing this, a policeman went over to him and said: ‘You’re drunk.’
‘Thank God for that!’ said the drunk. ‘I thought I was crippled.’
782
Two drunks were sitting at a bar. One said: ‘What’s this thing they call a breathalyser?’
‘It’s a bag that can tell how much you drink.’
‘Oh, I married one of those years ago.’
783
A belligerent drunk walked into a bar and hollered: ‘I can lick any man in this place!’
The nearest customer looked him up and down and said: ‘Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?’
784
A man went into a bar and saw a drunk playing with a ball of gloop. The drunk kept muttering to himself: ‘It looks like plastic, but it feels like rubber.’
Intrigued, the man peered over the drunk’s shoulder in order to get a better view of the mysterious substance. Meanwhile the drunk was still saying: ‘It looks like plastic, but it feels like rubber.’
Eventually the man said: ‘Listen, I’m a chemist, so perhaps I can tell you what it is.’
So the drunk handed him the gloop. Carefully rolling it between his fingers, the chemist pronounced: ‘You’re right. It does look like plastic but feel like rubber. Do you know where it came from?’
‘Sure,’ said the drunk. ‘It just fell out of my nose.’
785
A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, waiting for a bust. At closing time, everyone came out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car and, after trying h
is keys on five other vehicles, he finally found his own car. He sat in the car for a good ten minutes while the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward onto the grass, but then stopped. Finally, when every other car had gone, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.
The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyser test, but to his surprise, the man registered a zero. He wasn’t drunk at all!
The patrolman was dumbfounded. ‘The equipment must be broken!’ he exclaimed.
‘No, it isn’t,’ smiled the driver. ‘I’m the designated decoy.’
786
A drunk was staggering around the car park of a bar, feeling the roofs of the various cars.
‘What are you doing?’ asked a fellow customer.
‘I’m looking for my car,’ said the drunk, swaying unsteadily on his feet, ‘and I can’t find it.’
‘How does feeling the roof help you?’
‘Because,’ said the drunk, barely able to stand, ‘my car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof.’
787
A drunk was walking unsteadily along a riverside path one Sunday afternoon when he stumbled across a baptism. Intrigued by what was going on, he proceeded to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. After a minute or so, the minister became aware of the drunk and asked: ‘Are you ready to find Jesus?’
The drunk replied: ‘Yesh, preacher, I sure am.’
So the minister dunked him under the water and pulled him straight back up. ‘Have you found Jesus?’ asked the minister.
‘Noo,’ said the drunk.
So the preacher dunked him under for a little longer before bringing him back up. ‘Now, brother, have you found Jesus?’
‘Nooo,’ answered the drunk.
In disgust, the preacher held the man’s head under for at least half a minute, then brought him back up and demanded impatiently: ‘Have you found Jesus yet?’
The drunk wiped his eyes and said to the preacher: ‘Are you sure this is where he fell in?’
788
A drunk was weaving down the road when he saw a man fiddling under a car bonnet.
‘What’s up?’ shouted the drunk.
‘Piston broke,’ replied the man.
‘Me too,’ said the drunk, and he continued on his way.
789
A drunk got on a bus and swayed down the centre gangway. Suddenly he started yelling that everybody to the right of the gangway was an asshole and that everybody to the left was a son of a bitch.
A passenger to the right immediately jumped up and said angrily: ‘Hang on! I’m not an asshole!’
The drunk said: ‘So move to the other side then.’
790
As it was a beautiful day, a woman decided to stretch out on a park bench and soak up the sun. After ten minutes, a down-and-out wino came over to her and said: ‘Hi, gorgeous. How about you and me getting together?’
‘How dare you?’ replied the woman. ‘I’m not one of your cheap pick-ups!’
‘No?’ said the wino. ‘Then what are you doing in my bed?’
791
In the course of a heavy drinking session, the right-hand pocket of a drunk’s jeans somehow became ripped out. Having slept in his clothes all night, he finally began to take stock of the situation when he sobered up in the morning.
Rising uneasily to his feet, he felt in his jacket pocket and found a set of keys and some chewing gum. ‘Ah, that’s what happened to my keys,’ he said, relieved. Next he reached into the left pocket of his jeans and pulled out the contents – some loose change. ‘Oh, at least I didn’t spend it all,’ he mused. Then he reached down into the right pocket of his jeans, felt around a bit and said to himself: ‘Prunes . . . Why on earth did I buy prunes?’
792
A drunk staggered down to hotel reception and demanded a change of room.
‘But you have the best room in the hotel,’ said the receptionist.
‘I want another room,’ insisted the drunk.
‘Very well, sir,’ said the receptionist. ‘But may I ask what it is that you don’t like about your room?’
‘Well,’ said the drunk, ‘for one thing, it’s on fire.’
793
A drunk was peeing in the fountain in the town square when a cop yelled: ‘Hey, stop that! Put it away!’
The drunk shoved his dick into his pants and did up the zip. As the cop turned to go, the drunk started laughing.
‘What’s so funny?’ demanded the cop.
‘Fooled you!’ shouted the drunk. ‘I put it away, but I didn’t stop!’
Signs That You’re Drunk:
794
You have to hold on to the lawn to stop falling off Earth.
795
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
796
You can focus better with one eye closed.
797
Mosquitoes get a buzz after attacking you.
798
The shrubbery’s drunk too from frequent watering.
799
Roseanne looks good.
800
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
801
Your job interferes with your drinking.
802
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
803
During a wild party at a Long Island country house, Shelley had way too much to drink and staggered outside for some air. Reaching a grassy field, she lay down to watch the stars. She was almost asleep when a cow, searching for clover, carefully stepped over her. Groggily, she raised her head and said: ‘One at a time boys, one at a time.’
804
A shy man was in hospital for a series of tests which included filling him with laxatives. One evening, unable to get to the bathroom in time, he accidentally messed his bed sheet. He was so embarrassed by the thought of the nurses discovering what had happened that he bunched the sheet together and threw it out of the window.
It just so happened that a drunk was shambling along the street below when the sheet landed on him. The drunk immediately began cursing and yelling and, with flailing arms, left the sheet in a heap on the sidewalk. Hearing the commotion, a police officer asked: ‘What’s going on here?’
Staring down at the soiled sheet, the drunk replied: ‘I just beat the crap out of a ghost.’
805
Two drunks were sitting at the bar, staring into their drinks. One said: ‘Hey, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?’
The other said: ‘Sure. I’ve been married to one for eighteen years.’
806
With only a dollar in change between them, two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free. Then one had an idea. They went to a hot dog stand, bought a hot dog and threw away the bun. ‘Now we’ll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I’ll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off.’
The second man agreed to the plan, and they headed for their first bar. When they arrived, they sat down and drank their beers. The bartenders told them: ‘That will be three dollars.’
As arranged, the first man stood up and unzipped his fly whereupon the second man sank to his knees and began sucking on the hot dog.
‘You dirty faggots!’ screamed the bartender. ‘Get the hell out of here!’
They immediately ran out of the bar, delighted to have got away without paying. They tried the same ruse at the next bar. They downed their drinks and when the bartender asked for payment, the first man unzipped his fly and the second man dropped to his knees. The bartender then threw them out.
After the sixth bar, the second man complained to his fellow drunk: ‘This isn’t working so well. My knees are killing me.’
‘You think you’ve had it bad,’ said the
first drunk. ‘I lost the hot dog four bars ago!’
807
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 21