‘OK, there’s no need to go on about it. I can’t help it.’
‘Even so, if I kiss you, will you turn into a handsome prince?’
‘I think a spell this bad will probably need a blow job.’
841
One evening Snow White said she was sleepy and told the Seven Dwarfs she was going to bed early. After the protracted ‘Goodnights’, she retired to her room, whereupon all seven dwarfs dashed outside and stood on each other’s shoulders so that one of them could see through the window into Snow White’s bedroom. It was Happy’s turn to be on top and to relay news to the other dwarfs below.
‘She’s taking off her blouse,’ said Happy. And each of the dwarfs told the one below, ‘She’s taking off her blouse.’
Next Happy said: ‘She’s taking off her skirt.’ And the others went, ‘She’s taking off her skirt. . . She’s taking off her skirt,’ all the way down to Bashful at the bottom.
Then Happy said: ‘She’s taking off her bra.’ The news was passed down the chain: ‘She’s taking off her bra . . . She’s taking off her bra.’
Then Happy gasped: ‘She’s taking off her panties. Oh, someone’s coming.’ The other dwarfs said: ‘Me too . . . Me too . . . Me too . . . Me too . . . Me too . . . Me too.’
842
Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to visit her grandmother in the forest. But her mother warned: ‘You’d better not go out tonight. Little Red Riding Hood, because the Big Bad Wolf’s out and you know what he’ll do: he’ll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and fuck your little red socks off.’
However Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said: ‘Don’t worry. Mother, I’ve got it covered.’
Walking through the forest. Little Red Riding Hood came across the Three Little Pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said: ‘You shouldn’t be out tonight, Little Red Riding Hood, because the Big Bad Wolf’s out and you know what he’ll do if he catches you: he’ll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and fuck your little red socks off.’
‘Don’t worry, boys,’ said Little Red Riding Hood. ‘Got it covered.’
Little Red Riding Hood continued on her way and further into the forest she met the Big Bad Wolf. He said: ‘You shouldn’t have come out tonight, Little Red Riding Hood, because you know what I’m going to do: I’m going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and fuck your little red socks off.’
At this. Little Red Riding Hood lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at the wolf and said: ‘No! You’re going to eat me like the book says . . .’
843
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the banks of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped onto the princess’s lap and said: ‘Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping with my mother in your castle where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so.’
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs’ legs seasoned in a white wine and cream sauce, she smiled to herself: ‘I don’t fucking think so.’
844
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when she saw the wolf hiding behind a tree. So she crept up behind him, tapped him on the shoulder and said teasingly: ‘My, what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf!’
The wolf immediately ran off and hid behind another tree. Little Red Riding Hood followed him and tapped him on the shoulder again. ‘My, what a big nose you have, Mr Wolf!’ she said mockingly.
The wolf let out a yelp and ran off to hide behind another tree. But Little Red Riding Hood sneaked up on him again, tapped him on the shoulder and said: ‘My, what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf!’
The wolf turned on her and snarled: ‘Do you mind? I’m trying to have a crap!’
FAMILIES
845
A weedy little guy got into an argument with a big, burly bouncer outside a nightclub. The little guy was pushing his luck to the point that it looked as though they were going to come to blows.
‘You’ve got a lot of nerve for such a shrimp!’ snarled the bouncer.
‘Listen, you fat jerk,’ barked the little guy, ‘I’m not scared of anybody, or anything! I come from a long line of jumpers. My great-grandfather jumped out of a balloon with no parachute. My grandfather jumped out of a biplane without a ’chute. My mother and father both jumped from a jet. My brother and sister jumped from planes. And tomorrow, I’m gonna jump from a rocket.’
‘You’re crazy, you little twerp,’ said the bouncer. ‘You could get killed!’
‘So what? I have no family!’
846
A small boy ran down the street in search of a cop. Eventually finding one, he begged: ‘Please come back to the bar with me. My dad is in a fight!’
The officer accompanied him back to the bar where he found three men involved in a violent fistfight. ‘OK, son,’ said the cop, ‘which one is your father?’
‘I don’t know,’ said the boy. ‘That’s what they’re fighting about!’
847
A modern mother was explaining to her little girl about pictures in the family photo album. ‘This is the geneticist with your surrogate mother, and here’s your sperm donor and your father’s clone. And this is me holding you when you were just a frozen embryo.’
‘Mommy,’ asked the little girl, ‘who is that lady with the worried look on her face?’
‘Oh, that’s your Aunt Erica. She’s the family genealogist.’
848
What’s the ideal weight for a mother-in-law? – About 2.31b, including the urn.
849
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother who immediately demanded an inspection of the place to make sure that it met with her approval. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted the mourners as they filed by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman whispered something to the farmer, he would nod his head ‘yes’ and say something. But whenever a man whispered something to the farmer, he would shake his head ‘no’ and mumble a reply.
Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer explained: ‘The women would say, “What a terrible tragedy”, and I would nod my head and say, “Yes, it was.” The men would ask, “You wanna sell that mule?” and I would shake my head and say, “Can’t. It’s all booked up for a year.” ’
850
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws? – Outlaws are wanted.
851
Phil was sitting in the bar looking dejected. His friend Mike asked him: ‘What’s wrong?’
‘It’s my mother-in-law,’ replied Phil. ‘I have a real problem with her.’
‘Cheer up,’ said Mike. ‘Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law.’
‘Yeah, but I got mine pregnant.’
FANTASIES
852
A guy had been working for years in a pickle factory and had long harboured a secret fantasy about putting his penis in a pickle slicer. The urge became so great that he even went to therapy, but after a dozen sessions, the therapist admitted defeat and said: ‘OK, if you really want to put your penis in a pickle slicer, go ahead, do it. That’s the only way you’re going to get this fantasy out of your system.’
So the guy said that he was going to do it.
The next day he came home early from work. His w
ife was puzzled. He explained for the first time that he’d had this yearning desire to put his penis in a pickle slicer and that he’d finally done it but had been fired as a result.
His wife gasped in horror, and quickly pulled down his pants and briefs, only to see his penis perfectly intact.
‘I don’t understand,’ she said. ‘What happened to the pickle slicer?’
He replied: ‘I think she got fired too.’
853
Why do men like women in leather? – Because they smell like new cars.
854
A couple that had been married for thirty-five years had just celebrated their sixtieth birthdays. To mark the occasion, a fairy appeared and granted them a wish.
The wife said: ‘I’d like to spend six months in a hot country.’
And POOF! She was given two tickets to Australia.
Then it was the husband’s turn. Somewhat hesitantly, he said: ‘I’d like to have a woman thirty years younger than me.’
And POOF! He was ninety.
855
Two young women were chatting over lunch. One confided: ‘My last boyfriend used to fantasize about making love to two girls at once.’
‘Really?’ said her friend. ‘What did you tell him?’
‘I said, “If you can’t satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off another one?” ’
856
Jack was walking along the road when he spotted a ladder leading up to the clouds. Being curious, he began climbing it.
On the first cloud he found an ugly, naked woman who said: ‘Fuck me now or climb the ladder to success.’
This was no contest, so Jack climbed up to the next cloud where a fairly pretty, naked woman was waiting. ‘Take me now,’ she said, ‘or climb the ladder to success.’
Jack decided to carry on climbing and on the next cloud he met a very attractive, naked woman. ‘Have sex with me,’ she purred, ‘or climb the ladder to success.’
Jack was sorely tempted, but he reasoned: ‘These women have been getting better and better, so the next one should be absolutely gorgeous.’
Thus Jack climbed onwards and upwards to the next cloud and the end of the ladder. But waiting there, to his horror, was a fat, ugly man.
‘Who the hell are you?’ asked Jack.
‘Hi, I’m Cess!’
857
Husband. I fancy kinky sex. How about I come in your ear?
Wife: No, I might go deaf.
Husband. I’ve been coming in your mouth for twenty years, and you’re still bloody talking!
858
Stumbling across a magic lamp, a man was granted one wish by the genie. Embarrassed about his wish, he whispered it in the genie’s ear. The genie looked surprised but shrugged his shoulders and said: ‘Very well, if that’s what you definitely want. Your wish will be granted at midnight.’
As the clock struck twelve that night, the man heard a knock at the door. He opened it to find two slaughterhouse men standing outside holding a rope. ‘Right,’ said one. ‘Are you the guy who wants to be hung like a donkey?’
FARMERS
859
A farmer gave his son a duck for his sixteenth birthday and said: ‘Go into town and see what you can get with this.’
The boy went off in search of the best deal he could find and soon ran into a hooker who offered: ‘I’ll have sex with you if you give me the duck.’ He agreed, and afterwards she was so impressed by the boy’s virility that she said: ‘If you do it again, I’ll give you the duck back.’
He went along with her idea and, since he had now got the duck back, he carried on through town in search of a good trade. But then as he walked down the main street, the duck suddenly flew out of his arms and into an incoming truck. The driver was so distraught at having killed the duck that he gave the boy a dollar.
When the boy arrived home, his dad asked him what he had received for the duck. The boy said: ‘Well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and a buck for a fucked-up duck.’
860
A farmer was giving his wife last-minute instructions before going into town on business. ‘That fellow will be along this afternoon to impregnate one of the cows,’ he said. ‘I’ve hung a nail by the correct stall so you’ll know which one I want him to impregnate.’
Satisfied that his wife understood, the farmer left for town.
That afternoon, the inseminator arrived, and the wife, who knew next to nothing about farming, dutifully led him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.
‘This is the cow right here,’ she said.
‘What’s the nail for?’ asked the inseminator.
She shrugged and replied: ‘I guess it’s to hang up your pants.’
861
A farmer lived with a tame bear, but one day the bear had misbehaved, so the farmer put him in the barn. That evening, a travelling businessman knocked on the door, saying that his car had become trapped by the rising river. The farmer allowed him to stay the night in the barn, but pointed that there was no lighting in there. ‘And don’t worry about the bear,’ said the farmer. ‘He’s tame.’
Half an hour later, another businessman knocked on the door, saying that he, too, had become stranded in the floodwater. The farmer told him he could stay in the barn for the night, and mentioned the presence of the other salesman and the tame bear, as well as the absence of lighting.
An hour later, a New York broad in a tight skirt knocked on the door, desperate for somewhere to stay overnight. The farmer said she could stay in the barn and told her about the two businessmen. ‘I don’t mind sharing with two guys,’ she said. ‘It might be kinda fun!’ And she headed straight for the barn before the farmer had a chance to mention either the lighting or the bear.
Two hours later, the woman staggered into the farmhouse, her clothes ripped and torn.
‘What happened to you?’ asked the farmer.
The woman replied: ‘The first guy gave me $40, the second guy gave me $50, but the cheap bastard in the fur coat never even said thanks!’
862
A farmer had a French farmhand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farmhand took the parts and was about to throw them in the trashcan when the farmer said: ‘Don’t throw them away. My wife fries them for supper. We call them sheep fries.’
At the end of a hard day, the farmhand asked the farmer’s wife what was for supper.
‘Sheep fries,’ she replied.
He wasn’t too keen on the idea but, having tasted frogs’ legs in his native France, he was willing to experiment. So he gave them a try and, to his surprise, he found them quite tasty.
For the next two nights, he had sheep fries for supper but then on the fourth night, he was nowhere to be seen. The farmer asked his wife where the farmhand had gone.
‘It’s odd,’ she said. ‘When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French fries, and he ran like hell!’
863
A hitch-hiker was passing through a small country town when he decided to rest for the night. A local farmer was willing to put him up overnight, but on condition that the guest kept away from his teenage daughter. The hitch-hiker agreed but, just to make sure there was no hanky-panky, the farmer secretly placed three fresh eggs above the daughter’s bedroom door. Any attempt to open the door in the course of the night would produce a telltale sign of smashed eggs.
Despite the warning, the hitch-hiker couldn’t resist the beautiful daughter, and sneaked into her room for sex. In doing so, he broke all the eggs. Consequently he and the girl spent the rest of the night patiently gluing the shells back together and putting them back on top of the bedroom door in the hope that her father wouldn’t notice that they had been smashed.
The next morning the farmer checked the eggs and was relieved to see that they were still in place. As a reward for the guest’s restraint, he decided to cook him breakfast with the eggs he had used. The farmer cracked open
the first egg . . . but there was nothing inside. And it was the same story with the other two.
The farmer thought to himself: ‘I’m no fool!’ And with that he stormed outside onto the porch.
‘Right!’ he yelled. ‘I wanna know the truth! Which of you roosters is wearing a condom?’
864
Three hookers were comparing notes about their customers from the night before.
‘I entertained a cowboy last night,’ said the first.
‘How did you know he was a cowboy?’ asked the others.
‘Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots on all the time we were together.’
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 23