The boy said: ‘Can you touch your asshole with your penis?’
‘I sure can,’ replied the old man.
‘Then go fuck yourself,’ said the boy. ‘These are my cookies!’
FLIGHT ATTENDANTS
902
One winter, two little fleas headed for the sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea arrived and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and legs. Just then the second flea turned up, shivering and shaking.
‘What happened to you?’ inquired the first flea.
The second flea said: ‘I just rode out here on a biker’s moustache, and I’m so very cold.’
The first flea shook his head. ‘Don’t you know the special trick to getting here? First you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies’ toilet, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where it’s nice and warm.’
The second flea thought it sounded a great idea and promised to try it.
The following winter it was time for the two fleas to head for the sun once more. The first flea arrived in California and started putting on his suntan cream. Just then the second flea showed up, shivering and shaking and complaining about how cold he was.
‘Didn’t you learn anything I taught you about getting here nice and warm?’ asked the first flea.
The second flea replied: ‘I did just as you said. I waited in the ladies’ toilet at the airport and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, and I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm. Next thing I knew we stopped at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that biker’s moustache!’
903
There was a long queue for the toilet on a flight from Washington to Boston. But everything was perfectly orderly until a self-important businessman tried to push in and created a scene that required the intervention of one of the female flight attendants.
‘I’m sorry, sir,’ she explained politely, ‘but the queue starts back there.’
‘I haven’t got time to get in line,’ he blustered. ‘I’ve got important business to conduct on my laptop. I’ll be wasting twenty precious minutes just standing here.’
The flight attendant stood firm. ‘I cannot allow you to barge your way in, sir,’ she said. ‘You’ll have to get in line like everyone else.’
The businessman lost his temper and yelled: ‘Fuck you!’
Still smiling sweetly, the flight attendant responded: ‘I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to stand in line for that, too!’
904
Three men were trying to guess the professions of their respective dates of the previous evening, based on their bedroom performance and conversation.
The first reckoned that his date was a nurse because she said: ‘Lie back and relax. This won’t hurt a bit.’
The second concluded that his must have been a schoolteacher because she had said: ‘Do it over and over until you get it right.’
The third figured that his date must have been a flight attendant because all she had said was: ‘Put this over your mouth and nose and continue to breathe normally.’
905
A plane was coming in to land at Kennedy Airport. The pilot came over the intercom and announced: ‘We’re now on our final descent into Kennedy Airport. On behalf of myself and the cabin crew, I hope you have had a pleasant flight and that you enjoy your stay in New York.’ However at the end of his message, he forgot to switch off the intercom, so all of the passengers and crew heard his private conversation with his co-pilot.
‘What are you going to do in New York?’ asked the co-pilot.
‘Well,’ said the pilot, ‘first I’m gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I’m gonna take that new stewardess out for supper – you know, the one with the big boobs. I’m gonna wine her and dine her, take her back to my room, then 69 her.’
By now, everyone on the plane was staring at the new stewardess. She was so embarrassed that she rushed up the aisle towards the cockpit, but half-way down, she tripped over an old lady’s bag and fell over. As the stewardess picked herself up, the old lady whispered: ‘No need to rush, dear, he’s gotta take a crap first!’
906
A plane was flying over the ocean when an armed hijacker suddenly burst into the cockpit. Holding a gun to the pilot’s head, he snarled: ‘Take this plane to Iraq or I’m gonna spill your brains all over the place!’
The pilot calmly pushed the gun aside and said: ‘Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you’ll die along with the rest of us.’
The hijacker thought about this for a moment, and then pointed the gun at the co-pilot’s head. ‘Take this plane to Iraq or I’m gonna spill your brains all over the place!’
The co-pilot calmly pushed the gun aside and said: ‘Listen, my friend, the pilot’s got a bad heart, and he could keel over at the sight of me being killed. So if you shoot me, the plane will still crash right into the sea and you’ll die along with the rest of us.’
The hijacker thought for a moment and then pointed the gun at the head of the navigator. ‘Take this plane to Iraq or I’m gonna spill your brains all over the place!’
The navigator calmly pushed the gun aside and said: ‘I wouldn’t do that if I were you. These two guys have absolutely no sense of direction. Without me, they’ll never find their way to Iraq. They won’t even be able to keep the plane airborne. If you shoot me, this plane will crash right into the sea and you’ll die along with the rest of us.’
The hijacker pondered for a moment, then pointed the gun at the head of the flight attendant. She responded by whispering in his ear whereupon the hijacker turned bright red, dropped his gun, and fled the cockpit in panic.
‘What did you say to scare him?’ asked the pilot.
The flight attendant replied: ‘I told him if he killed me, he’d be the one who’d have to give you guys your blow jobs.’
FLORIDA
907
A man from Helena, Montana, decided to write a book about churches around the United States. He started by flying to Sacramento, and then planned to work his way east from there.
At a big church in Sacramento, he spotted a golden telephone on a wall with a sign that read: ‘Calls $5,000 a minute.’ Intrigued, he asked the pastor for an explanation. The pastor revealed that the golden phone was a direct line to Heaven, and that for $5,000 the caller could talk directly to God.
As he continued on his travels – via Phoenix, Denver, St Louis, Chicago, Detroit, New York and Washington – the man found more phones with the same sign. From each pastor, he received the same explanation.
Finally he arrived in the south-east of the United States, and, upon entering a church, he found yet another golden telephone, but this time the sign read: ‘Calls 35 cents a minute.’
He sought out the pastor and said: ‘Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this very same golden telephone. Each time I have been told that it is a direct line to Heaven and that the caller can talk to God. However in the other churches, the cost was $5,000 a minute. Yet your sign says that it’s just 35 cents a minute to talk to God. Why is that?’
Smiling benignly, the pastor replied: ‘My son, you’re in Florida now. It’s a local call.’
908
A Miami Beach women’s group arranged a trip to a dairy farm out in the country. For most of them, having lived their entire life in the city, it was a new experience. On arrival, they were greeted by the farmer who gave them a tour of the premises before asking if there were any questions.
One blue-rinsed matron by the name of Sylvia raised her hand and asked: ‘Can you tell me why the cow in this stable doesn’t have any horns?’
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, before answering: ‘Well, ma’am, cattle can do a heck of a lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep ’em trimmed with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up
the young ’uns by puttin’ a couple of drops of acid where their horns would grow, and that stops ’em cold. And there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, ma’am, is ’cause it’s a horse.’
FOOD
909
At work a guy eagerly opened his packed lunch that his wife had prepared for him that morning. But he took one bite and spat it out.
He immediately phoned his wife: ‘What was in that sandwich you gave me?’
‘Why?’
‘Because it was disgusting. What was in it?’
‘Crab paste.’
‘Well, I’ve never tasted anything that awful in my life. Where did you get it from?’
‘The pharmacy.’
910
What’s the difference between bogeys and Brussels sprouts? – Kids will eat bogeys.
911
Two Korean tourists arrived in New York and were amazed to see a street vendor selling hot dogs. ‘I never knew Americans also ate dogs,’ said one. ‘Let’s see what they’re like.’
So they ordered hot dogs and sat down on a bench to eat them. The first Korean opened his bun and looked inside. ‘Yuk!’ he exclaimed to his friend. ‘I’m not eating mine! What part of the dog did you get?’
912
What can you make from baked beans and an onion? – Tear gas.
913
Realizing to her horror that she hadn’t got anything in for her husband’s dinner, an elderly woman raided the pantry in search of something suitable. But all she could find was a tin of cat food, an onion and a potato. So she mixed the onion in with the cat food, heated it up, served it with chips, and watched her unsuspecting husband devour it. Afterwards, he said it was the best thing she had cooked him in ages and he wanted to know when he was going to have it again. So for the rest of the week, she gave him cat food and chips for dinner.
When she told a friend about her husband’s unusual tastes, the friend warned: ‘You can’t keep serving him cat food. You’ll kill him.’
Sure enough, the following week the husband died.
‘I told you all that cat food would kill him,’ said the friend.
‘It was nothing to do with the cat food,’ said the wife. ‘He died when he fell off the fence.’
‘What was he doing up there?’ asked the friend.
‘Trying to lick his ass.’
914
A husband came home with half a gallon of ice cream and asked his wife if she wanted some.
‘How hard is it?’ she asked.
‘About as hard as my dick,’ he replied.
‘Pour me some.’
915
Once upon a time there were three guys who didn’t have any money for food. They had managed to steal food for a couple of days, but still needed more. Eventually one of them said: ‘Wouldn’t it be better to ask for food instead of stealing it?’
They all agreed that was a better idea, so later that day they went up to a house and rang the doorbell. A wizened old lady answered. They asked her for food, but she said she would only give them some if they slept with her. The first guy refused and so did the second, but the third guy was so hungry that he reluctantly agreed.
She led him into the barn and told him to get started. Saying that he felt nervous about her looking at him, he asked if he could blindfold her. She was that desperate for sex that she agreed. Once blindfolded, he took a piece of corn and began fucking her with that. She had gone without sex for so long that she was none the wiser. When he had exhausted that piece of corn, he threw it out the barn window, and then took another piece of corn and began fucking her with that. He then threw that piece of corn out the barn window before finishing her off with a third piece. Afterwards, she fed him as promised, and then he left.
When he met up with the other two guys, they said they couldn’t believe he had done that for food, especially as they had found free corn around the side of the barn.
916
A wife asked her husband to buy some organic vegetables. He went to the supermarket, but couldn’t find any on the shelves. So he asked an elderly male employee: ‘These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?’
The employee said: ‘No. You’ll have to do that yourself.’
917
Did you hear about the guy who ordered a thin and crispy Supreme from his local pizza shop? – They sent him Diana Ross.
918
A teenage boy met an old man who was carrying a bag. ‘What’s in the bag?’ asked the boy.
‘Magic apples,’ said the old man.
‘Prove it,’ said the youngster.
‘Well, beside apples, what are your favourite two fruits?’
‘Watermelon and peaches,’ said the boy.
The old man handed him an apple and told him to taste it. The boy took a bite and said it tasted like watermelon.
‘OK, turn it over,’ said the old man.
The boy did, and took another bite. This tasted like peach. Nevertheless the boy remained unconvinced that the apples were magic, so the old man told him to name something else that he liked to eat.
‘I like to eat pussy,’ grinned the boy mischievously.
The old man handed him another apple and told him to try it. The boy took a big bite, but spat it out immediately. Wiping his mouth, he exclaimed: ‘That tasted like shit!’
The old man smiled and said: ‘Turn it over.’
FOREPLAY
919
A guy was on his first date with the easiest girl in town. After they parked the car, she wasted no time in climbing on to the back seat and encouraging him to put his hand inside her panties. The petting grew heavier and she began moaning with pleasure until she suddenly cried: ‘Ow! That ring is hurting me!’
He said: ‘That’s no ring – that’s my watch!’
920
As things started hotting up, a girl said to her boyfriend: ‘Slow down, baby. Foreplay is an art.’
‘Well, you’d better get your canvas ready soon,’ he panted, ‘because I’m about to spill my paint!’
921
What’s an Australian’s idea of foreplay? – ‘Brace yourself. Sheila.’
922
What’s a redneck’s idea of foreplay? – ‘Are you awake yet, sis?’
923
A guy picked up an attractive girl sitting alone at a bar and to his delight, she asked him back to her place. They were both about to get undressed in her bedroom when he decided he fancied a cigarette. Unable to find his lighter, he asked her if she had one, and she suggested there might be a box of matches in the top drawer of the bedside table. Opening the drawer, he found the matches . . . sitting on top of a framed photo of another man. He immediately started to worry.
‘Is this your husband?’ he inquired nervously.
‘No, silly,’ she replied, nibbling his ear.
‘Your boyfriend then?’
‘No, don’t be silly,’ she said, working her tongue into his mouth.
‘Who is he then?’
Calmly the girl replied: ‘That’s me before the operation.’
924
Two flowers were wafting gently in the breeze. One said to the other: ‘I love you, darling.’
The other said: ‘I love you too.’
‘I want you so much.’
‘And I want you too.’
‘I really want you now! Where are the fuck are those darned bees?’
THE FRENCH
925
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually the Archangel Gabriel found him resting on the seventh day.
He said to God: ‘Where have you been?’
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. ‘Look, Gabriel. Look what I’ve made.’
Gabriel looked puzzled and asked: ‘What is it?’
‘It’s a planet,’ said God, ‘and I’ve put life on i
t. I’m going to call it Earth, and it’s going to be a great place of balance.’
‘Balance?’ queried Gabriel, still none the wiser.
God explained what he meant by pointing to different parts of Earth. ‘For example,’ he said, ‘North America will be an area of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor. Over here, I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. This land will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.’
Impressed by God’s work, Gabriel pointed to a small land mass and said: ‘What’s that one?’
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 25