The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes

by Geoff Tibballs

  Did you hear about the new gay sitcom? – Leave it, it’s Beaver.

  968

  A priest and a rabbi walked into a bar. After they had sat down with their drinks, it suddenly dawned on them that there were no women present. The priest said: ‘I think we’re in a gay bar.’

  A few minutes later, a guy came over and tried to flirt with the priest. The priest was dumbfounded, and didn’t know what to do. Then the rabbi leaned over and whispered something in the man’s ear, after which the man nodded and walked off.

  ‘Thank you,’ said the relieved priest. ‘What did you tell him?’

  The rabbi replied: ‘I just told him we’re on our honeymoon.’

  969

  A gay guy walked into a delicatessen and asked the shopkeeper for a large knob of salami.

  ‘Would you like it sliced, sir?’ asked the shopkeeper politely.

  ‘What do you think I am? A slot machine?’

  970

  Two gay men were discussing AIDS, and concluded that the only way to be safe was to abstain from sex. But both found abstention easier said than done. When the pair met up again a few weeks later, they compared notes.

  ‘How’s it going?’ asked one.

  ‘Wonderful!’ said the other. ‘I’ve made this fantastic discovery that’s changed my life. Come with me into the men’s room and I’ll show you.’

  So they went into a cubicle, and the second guy unzipped his fly to reveal his penis, on the end of which was a nicotine patch.

  ‘What on earth is that?’ asked the first guy.

  ‘It’s a nicotine patch, like smokers use.’

  ‘Does it work?’

  ‘Sure does. I haven’t had a butt in five days.’

  971

  What happened when three gay guys attacked a woman? – Two held her down while the third did her hair.

  972

  Two gay men – Alan and Tony – went to a fairground. Tony said he wanted to go on the Ferris wheel but Alan had a sore bum so he declined. The wheel went round and round, but then suddenly the cart Tony was sitting in crashed to the ground, landing near Alan’s feet.

  ‘Are you hurt?’ asked Alan, rushing over to his friend.

  ‘Of course I am,’ snapped Tony. ‘Three times I went round and you didn’t wave once.’

  973

  How many gay men does it take to put in a light bulb? – Only one . . . but it takes an entire Emergency Room to get it out.

  974

  What’s the definition of tender love? – Two gays with haemorrhoids.

  975

  What do you call haemorrhoids on a gay guy? – Speed bumps.

  976

  Why was the gay guy fired from the sperm bank? – He was caught drinking on the job.

  977

  Why did the gay guy put his ass in the fridge? – So that his boyfriend would have something cool to slip into when he came home.

  978

  A truck driver pulled over to the side of the highway and picked up two homosexuals who were hitch-hiking. A few miles down the road, one of the gay guys said: ‘Excuse me, but I have to fart.’ He held his breath and let a low hissing sound.

  Five minutes later the second gay guy announced: ‘Excuse me, but I have to fart.’ And he too let out a low hiss.

  The truck driver roared with laughter. ‘Jesus Christ!’ he exclaimed. ‘You fairies can’t even fart like men! Listen to this.’ And he let out a rapid burst of machine gun fire from his ass.

  ‘Oooh!’ trilled one fag to the other. ‘You know what we’ve got here, Clive? A real virgin!’

  979

  Three gay guys were fantasizing about what sport they would most like to play.

  The first nominated football ‘because of all those gorgeous guys bending over in their tight pants’.

  ‘Definitely wrestling,’ sighed the second guy. ‘Those skimpy little costumes, and think of the holds.’

  ‘No, it would be baseball for me,’ insisted the third guy. ‘You wanna know why? Well, I’d be pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a line drive right to me, I’d catch it, and I’d just stand there while the other guys rounded the bases. Meanwhile the crowd would be going crazy, screaming: “Throw the ball, you cocksucker!” And that’s what I like – the recognition!’

  980

  A gay guy and a straight guy were in a strip club that catered for all tastes. The straight guy was sitting directly in front of the gay guy. First on stage was a big black man. ‘Oh, yeah, oh, yeah!’ shrieked the gay guy as the black man started stripping.

  ‘Hey,’ said the straight guy, turning round. ‘Shut up, will you.’

  Next on stage was a well-built white man. ‘Oh, yeah! Jesus, yeah!’ screamed the gay guy as the white man stripped off. Once again the straight guy turned round and told him to be quiet.

  Next an Asian guy dressed in leather came on stage and began stripping. The gay guy fell silent. The straight guy said to him: ‘Hey, where’s all your excitement now?’

  The gay guy replied: ‘All over your back!’

  GERMANS

  981

  A Polish soldier was asked whom he would shoot first if he ran into a Russian soldier and a German soldier. ‘The Russian soldier,’ replied the Pole. ‘Always business before pleasure.’

  982

  Why are so many Germans born by Caesarean section? – Ever try to get a square head through a round hole?

  983

  Why do Germans have huge heads? – Otherwise their mouths wouldn’t fit in.

  984

  How do you make German chocolate cake? – First, you occupy the kitchen.

  985

  Why didn’t Hitler drink vodka? – It made him mean.

  986

  Hitler went to a psychic to find out what day he would die. After looking into her crystal ball, the psychic said: ‘Mein Führer, you will die on a Jewish holiday.’

  Hitler was shocked. ‘Well which holiday is it?’ he demanded.

  The psychic replied: ‘Fuhrer, the day that you die will always be a Jewish holiday.’

  987

  What did the German bisexual do? – She went down on her Hans and niece.

  GIFTS

  988

  Before agreeing to marry her boyfriend, a girl insisted on being bought a special present.

  ‘Anything,’ he said. ‘Just name it. A new wardrobe, a diamond necklace, even a car.’

  ‘None of those,’ she answered. ‘What I want is a solid gold Boy Scout knife.’

  Although taken aback by her demand, the young guy was determined to follow it through. He scoured the whole city for a solid gold Boy Scout knife and eventually had to have one specially made. After collecting it, he placed it in a box, wrapped it neatly with a little bow, and presented it to the girl he loved.

  She was delighted with the present and immediately agreed to marry him. Then she put the gold Boy Scout knife in a drawer where her fiancé noticed there were already half a dozen similar knives.

  ‘What’s all this about?’ he asked. ‘Why do you collect these gold knives?’

  She explained: ‘Someday I will be older. My hair will be grey, my skin will be wrinkled, my looks will have faded. Who will want me then? But do you know what a Boy Scout would do for one of these knives . . . ?’

  Greeting Cards Rejected by Hallmark:

  989

  1.

  I heard you had herpes . . . and I feel terrible . . . I’d say ‘Get well soon’ . . . but I know it’s incurable.

  990

  2.

  Our love will never . . . become cold and hollow . . . unless, one day . . . you refuse to swallow.

  991

  3.

  Heard your wife left you . . . how upset you must be . . . don’t fret about your wife though . . . she’s moving in with me.

  992

  4.

  Happy vasectomy! . . . hope you feel zippy . . . cause when I got one . . . I got real snippy.

  993


  5.

  You’ve announced that you’re gay . . . won’t that be a laugh . . . when they find out you’re . . . one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

  994

  6.

  This feels so good . . . it feels so right . . . I just wish it wasn’t. . . $250 a night.

  995

  7.

  You are the girl . . . I long to be near . . . so I hope you get over . . . this bout of diarrhoea.

  996

  8.

  So your daughter’s a hooker . . . and it spoiled your day . . . look on the bright side . . . she’s a really good lay.

  997

  9.

  So you lost your job . . . it’s one of those hardships in life . . . next time, work harder . . . and don’t shag the boss’s wife.

  998

  10.

  I bought this Valentine’s card at the store . . . in the hope that, later . . . you’d be my whore.

  999

  11.

  If you think that hickey . . . looks like a blister . . . check out the one . . . I gave to your sister.

  1000

  12.

  My tyre was thumping . . . I thought it was flat . . . when I looked at the tyre . . . I found your cat . . . Sorry!

  1001

  A man asked his wife what she would like for her birthday. After thinking for a moment, she sighed wistfully: ‘What I’d really love is to be eight again.’

  So on her birthday he told her: ‘Honey, we’re going for a little drive.’

  ‘Where to?’ she asked.

  ‘You’ll see . . .’

  With that, he loaded her into the car and set off down the highway. Two hours later, they arrived in Disneyland. He took her on over a dozen rides, fed her candyfloss and ice cream, and won her a Donald Duck stuffed toy. That evening, after eating at McDonald’s, they went to the cinema where they watched a two-hour non-stop cartoon carnival.

  At the end of the day, both were feeling exhausted and queasy. As they lay in bed, he turned to her and said: ‘So what was it like being eight again?’

  She said: ‘You idiot! I meant my dress size!’

  1002

  A little kid sat on Santa’s lap, and Santa asked: ‘What would you like for Christmas?’

  ‘A fucking swingset for the backyard,’ said the kid.

  Santa told him: ‘You’ll have to ask more politely than that if you want Santa to bring you any presents. Now let’s try again. What else would you like?’

  The kid said: ‘A fucking sandbox for the side yard.’

  Santa warned him: ‘That’s no way to talk to Santa. One more time. What else would you like for Christmas?’

  The boy thought for a moment, and then said: ‘I want a fucking trampoline in the front yard.’

  Santa lifted the boy off his lap and went to talk to the kid’s parents. He told them about the child’s swearing, and said: ‘I know how to put a stop to it. Don’t get him anything for Christmas except dog doo. Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the swingset, put another pile in the side yard where he wants the sandbox, and another pile in the front yard where he wants the trampoline. That should make him change his attitude.’

  Come Christmas morning, the kid went downstairs to open his presents, but there weren’t any. He ran out the back door, looked around, and came back in. Then he ran out the side door, looked around, and came back in. Finally he ran out the front door, looked around, and came back in, shaking his head.

  His father said: ‘What’s wrong, son?’

  The kid said: ‘Santa bought me a fucking dog, but I can’t find it.’

  GOD

  1003

  While a little boy was away at school, his cat died. His mother was worried about how he would take the news, so when he came home she comforted him and told him: ‘Don’t worry. Snowy is in heaven with God now.’

  The kid said: ‘What’s God gonna do with a dead cat?’

  1004

  Why did God invent football? – So that married men could have some form of physical contact in their lives.

  1005

  God was planning a holiday but couldn’t decide where to go.

  ‘Why don’t you visit Mercury?’ suggested an angel.

  ‘No, too hot,’ said God.

  ‘How about Mars?’ said the angel.

  ‘No, too dry and dusty,’ said God.

  ‘Then what about Earth?’ said the angel.

  ‘No way,’ said God. ‘I went there two thousand years ago, knocked up some bird, and they’re still going on about it!’

  1006

  A deeply religious man lived next door to an atheist. The religious man prayed three times a day without fail and was regularly on his knees in communion with the Lord, but the atheist never went anywhere near a church. Yet while the atheist enjoyed a prosperous life with a well-paid job and a loving family, the pious man was poorly paid and had to put up with a cheating wife and three tearaway kids.

  One day, reeling at the injustice of it all, the believer looked up to heaven and said: ‘God, I honour you every day and confess to you my every sin, yet you have chosen to make my life thoroughly miserable. But my neighbour, who does not believe, has been granted every possible happiness. Why is this so. Lord? Why am I not blessed?’

  And God replied: ‘Because you’re a bloody pest!’

  1007

  Why did God create Eve? – To iron Adam’s leaf.

  1008

  A jungle explorer woke up one morning to find himself surrounded by hundreds of natives wielding bows and arrows. He said to himself: ‘Oh, God, I’m fucked!’

  All of a sudden he heard a voice from above booming down. ‘No, you’re not,’ said the voice. ‘This is God. Go ye unto the man at the front there with the paint on his face, drive your knife through his heart, and he shall die.’

  So the explorer ran up, stabbed the guy at the front, and, sure enough, he died. ‘Now what, God?’ asked the explorer.

  ‘That was their revered chief,’ said God. ‘Now you’re fucked!’

  1009

  God had just about finished creating the universe but he had two extra items left in his bag of goodies. So he decided to divide them between Adam and Eve.

  ‘Right,’ said God, ‘the first thing I have to give away is the ability to stand up while urinating.’

  Adam put his hand up straight away. ‘Oh, please, God, let me have it. Please, please, please! It would make me so happy if I could pee standing up. I could go just about anywhere. Life would be wonderful. Sheer bliss. It’s something I’ve always dreamed of being able to do. Please, God, grant me the ability to urinate standing up. I promise to be good.’

  God said to Eve: ‘Have you any objections if I grant this facility to Adam?’

  ‘No,’ shrugged Eve. ‘Whatever makes him happy.’

  ‘OK, Adam, it’s yours,’ said God.

  Adam was thrilled, and danced around excitedly before displaying his newfound talent all over the bark of a tree.

  ‘Now,’ said God to Eve, looking into his bag. ‘What’s left here? Ah, yes, multiple orgasms.’

  GOLF

  1010

  A guy arrived home to find the following ransom note slipped under his front door: ‘If you ever want to see your wife alive again, bring $50,000 to the 17th green at your golf club tomorrow at 11 a.m.’

  But it was after 2 p.m by the time he arrived at the designated meeting place. As he did so, a masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and demanded, ‘You’re over three hours late. What took you so long?’

  ‘Give me a break!’ said the husband, pointing to his scorecard. ‘I’m a 27 handicap.’

  1011

  Three guys – a father, a son and a grandfather – went off to play a round of golf. They were waiting on the first tee when a gorgeous young woman walked up, carrying her clubs.

  ‘My playing partner hasn’t shown up,’ she said. ‘Could I possibly join you?’

  Their eye
s nearly popped out of their heads at the prospect of spending the next four hours with this beautiful creature, and they readily agreed.

  ‘There’s just one thing,’ she said. – ‘I don’t mind you swearing or smoking but, whatever you do, just don’t try to coach me on my game.’

  The guys were happy to do whatever she asked. They let her tee off first. All eyes were on her ass as her short, tight skirt rode up it while she bent over to place the ball. She then proceeded to hammer the ball straight down the middle. It was the same story, hole after hole. None of the guys could compete with her.

  On the 18th, she was left with a 12ft putt for a level-par round of 72. She turned to them and said: ‘You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game. I have never shot a round of level par before and it is so important to me that I’m going to ask each of you for your opinion on this crucial putt. And if any of those opinions help me to make this putt, I’ll give you all a blow job that you will never forget.’