‘Huh!’ said the grandmother scornfully. ‘In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!’
1113
A hooker went to the doctor and told him: ‘If I get the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours. Do you think I might be a haemophiliac?’
‘It is possible,’ said the doctor. ‘Tell me, how much do you lose when you have a period?’
The hooker thought for a moment and said: ‘About $900, I guess.’
1114
What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common? – They’re both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you’re dead.
1115
A guy went to Las Vegas and won $75,000 at one of the casinos. So he booked into a luxury suite at a top hotel. Needing someone with whom to celebrate his good fortune, he phoned down to reception and asked the clerk to send up one of the highest-priced call girls in town.
Half an hour later, there was a knock on the door of the hotel room. The guy opened it to find the most gorgeous girl he had ever seen: long blonde hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. After pouring a drink for himself and the hooker, he said: ‘Now, down to business. How much for a hand job?’
‘Honey,’ said the hooker, ‘a hand job is $500.’
‘That’s outrageous!’ said the guy.
‘Come over here,’ she said, walking towards one of the windows. ‘See that strip mall over there? I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I earned from giving hand jobs. So I must be pretty damned good.’
‘All right,’ sighed the man. ‘Screw it, money is no object. Give me a hand job.’
Thirty minutes after she had finished, the guy was sitting on the couch, basking in sheer ecstasy. Pouring two more drinks, he said: ‘I have to admit, that was the best hand job I’ve ever had. How much for a blow job?’
‘Honey,’ she replied, ‘a blow job is $5,000.’
‘That’s outrageous!’ he exclaimed.
‘Come over here,’ she said, walking towards another of the windows. ‘See that hotel and casino over there on the corner? I own that I was able to buy it with the money I earned from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damned good.’
‘Oh, all right,’ he said. ‘Screw it, money is no object. Give me a blow job.’
An hour after she had finished, he was lying on the couch, his eyes rolled up inside his head. Barely able to stand, he staggered over to the bar, mixed two more drinks, and said: ‘My God, that was the best blow job I have ever had. I’ve gotta know, how much for some pussy?’
The hooker looked at him and replied: ‘Honey, if I had a pussy, I would own the whole city!’
1116
What do peanut butter and hookers have in common? – Both spread for bread.
1117
Two drunks were standing at a whorehouse door. The first drunk said: ‘I heard these broads have the clap and that none of them would think twice about stealing every penny we’ve got.’
The second drunk said: ‘Not so loud, or they won’t let us in.’
1118
Having been working in the desert for six months, a guy was desperate for sex. So when he finally got a weekend off he headed straight for the town brothel. But there was only one girl left and she was having a period and was also suffering from a terrible case of mouth sores. Seeing how desperate he was, however, she offered to take out her glass eye and let him fuck the socket.
It was the best sex he’d ever had, and afterwards he promised he’d be back the next time he had a weekend off.
‘OK,’ she said. ‘I’ll keep an eye out for you.’
1119
A guy went to a brothel, chose a girl and paid his $200 up front. The girl had just taken the money and slipped into a sexy blue negligee when the fire alarm sounded. As flames began to spread through the building, the pair fled into the street where the guy lost sight of her in the thick smoke.
He asked one of the firemen: ‘Did you see a blonde in a sheer blue negligee, with $200 in her hand?’
‘No,’ said the fireman.
The guy said. ‘Well, if you do, screw her. It’s paid for.’
1120
A hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation put ‘prostitute’. But the tax collector said: ‘You can’t put that – prostitution is an illegal occupation.’
So she said she would go away and ring back with a more acceptable occupation. An hour later she phoned back and said: ‘I’ve got it – I’m a chicken farmer.’
‘How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution?’ asked the taxman.
‘Well,’ she said, ‘I raised over a thousand cocks last year.’
1121
Three guys visited a prostitute. As it was a slow night, she told them they could pay by the inch. When the first guy came out, the others asked him he much he had paid. ‘$75,’ he replied. Then the second guy went in and when he came out, he told them he had paid $80. Finally the third guy came out.
‘How much did you pay?’ asked his two mates.
‘$20,’ he said.
‘Only $20? How come?’
‘I ain’t stupid,’ he said. ‘I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!’
1122
An old guy knocked on the door of a brothel. ‘I want a girl,’ he said.
‘That’ll be $150,’ said the Madame.
‘$150! You’re putting me on!’
‘No, that’ll cost an extra $10.’
1123
On a bitterly cold night, a young man called in at the town brothel.
The Madame said: ‘You’ll have to wait.’
‘But there are lots of girls who aren’t busy right now,’ said the guy.
‘Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs,’ she explained.
‘Listen,’ he persisted, ‘I’m really desperate. I don’t need a room, I’ll do it anywhere.’
So she took his money and he went upstairs with one of the girls. Looking for a place to go, they decided to do it on the roof. But it was such a cold night that they froze to death halfway through having sex and fell to the sidewalk below. A passing drunk looked them over, staggered to the brothel door, and knocked.
‘Go away!’ said the Madame. ‘We don’t allow drunks in here.’
‘I don’t want to come in,’ said the drunk. ‘I just wanted to tell you that your sign fell down.’
1124
Did you hear about the hooker who was into bondage? – She was strapped for cash.
1125
Two hookers were talking. The first said: ‘Last night I made $500 and I feel like a bottle of champagne.’
The other one said: ‘Last night I made $5,000 and I feel like a pot of glue.’
1126
A guy went into a Midwest whorehouse and told the Madame: ‘I want something different.’
‘Well,’ she said, ‘we’ve got one girl that loves to take it up the ass.’
‘No,’ said the guy. ‘That’s too common. I want something really different.’
‘OK, have you ever tried a Hurricane Ellie?’
‘No, can’t say I have,’ replied the punter. ‘I’ll go for that.’
So he paid his money and was taken through to a room out back where he undressed. A few minutes later, an Amazonian woman came in and began puffing out her cheeks furiously, whipping up a veritable gale.
‘What on earth are you doing?’ he asked.
‘I’m Hurricane Ellie,’ she replied, ‘and that is the wind coming from the hurricane.’
Then she started beating him over the head with her enormous breasts.
‘What the hell are you doing?’ he asked.
‘Those are the coconuts falling from the trees and hitting you on the head. It’s all part of the hurricane.’
Then she began pissing all over him, explaining: ‘These are the warm rains coming from the hurricane.’
Suddenly he got up and began putting his clothes on.
�
�Where are you going?’ she said.
‘I’m leaving. Who can shag in this weather?’
1127
An eighty-eight-year-old man went to Hollywood to pick up a prostitute and get some action. He noticed one hooker and began flirting with her, but the woman got annoyed and said: ‘Get lost, old man! You’re ruining business!’
‘Sure would like to get some action tonight,’ he persisted.
‘You’ve got to be kidding!’ sneered the hooker. ‘You’re too old! You’re all finished.’
‘What did you say?’
‘You heard me – you’re all finished.’
‘Oh,’ replied the old man, ‘how much do I owe you?’
1128
A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and asked a bartender for the address of the nearest whorehouse. The bartender told him to go to 341 West 28th Street but by mistake he went to number 314, the office of a chiropodist.
Being met by a beautiful woman in a crisp white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room, told him to uncover and promised that someone would be with him soon. He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was getting really aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor’s assistant, a gorgeous redhead, entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.
‘My goodness!’ she exclaimed. ‘I was expecting to see a foot.’
‘Well,’ said the salesman, ‘if you’re going to complain about an inch then I’ll take my business elsewhere.’
1129
A New York hooker mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned him.
The man said: ‘Ma’am, you may be forgiven as a victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you familiar with the concept of “original sin”?’
The hooker answered: ‘Well, maybe and maybe not. But if it’s really original, it’ll cost you an extra twenty bucks.’
1130
Two hookers were standing on a New York street corner. One said: ‘It’s gonna be a good night. I smell cock in the air.’
The other one said: ‘No, I just burped.’
1131
A guy was walking along the road in a smart neighbourhood when he approached a large house. To his horror, he spotted a naked couple having sex out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple behind a tree, and a third couple screwing behind some bushes. So he walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well-dressed woman answered the door.
‘What kind of place is this?’ he demanded.
‘This is a brothel,’ she replied.
‘Well, what’s all this out on the lawn?’
‘Oh, we’re having a yard sale today.’
1132
A horny guy went to a whorehouse but only had five dollars. He was thrown out of the first two places he tried, so he visited a third.
‘I need a blow job,’ he told the Madame. ‘But I’ve only got five dollars.’
‘OK,’ she said. ‘That’s not much, but for five dollars we can give you a penguin.’
‘What’s a penguin?’ he asked.
‘You’ll see.’
So he paid his five dollars, went upstairs and waited for his penguin. A few minutes later a young woman came in and gave him a blow job. But just as he was about to come, she suddenly stopped and walked away. Frustrated beyond belief, he waddled after her with his pants around his ankles, screaming: ‘What’s a penguin?’
1133
A guy was walking down the street late at night when a hooker emerged from the shadows and asked: ‘Wanna have a good time?’
‘Sure,’ he said, and they headed off to the nearest hotel.
As she took off her clothes, he just stared at her.
She said: ‘What’s the matter? Is this the first pussy you’ve seen since you crawled out of one?’
‘No,’ he replied. ‘Just the first one I’ve seen big enough to crawl back into.’
1134
A guy staying at a Los Angeles hotel removed a card offering sexual services from a nearby phone box. Back in his hotel room he rang the number, and a woman with a silky soft voice asked whether she could be of assistance.
‘Yes,’ he said. ‘I’d like a doggie in bondage gear, leather, PVC, whips, the lot. And then some hardcore spanking, rounded off with a blow job. What do you think?’
The woman said: ‘That sounds really good and I’d like to oblige, but if you press 9 first, you’ll get an outside line . . .’
1135
The police rounded up a group of hookers and made them line up in the street for questioning. Among those busted was a young call girl who didn’t want her grandma to know what she did for a living. So when the old lady passed by and spotted her granddaughter, the girl explained her presence by saying that some people were passing out free oranges and she was queuing up for some.
Grandma wanted oranges too, so she went to the back of the line. Meanwhile a cop was going down the line, asking for information about the hookers. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and said: ‘You’re so old! How do you do it?’
‘Oh, it’s easy,’ said grandma. ‘I just take out my dentures and suck them dry.’
1136
Emma was a new recruit to the streets of New Orleans. After performing her first trick, she described the experience to the other girls.
‘He was a big, muscular marine,’ she said.
‘What did he want to do?’ asked the others.
‘I told him a straight shag was $100, but he said he didn’t have that much. So I told him a blow job would be $75, but he didn’t have that much either. He said he only had $25, so I told him that all he could have for $25 was a hand job. He agreed, so I pulled it out. I put one hand on it. Then I put the other hand above that one.’ Raising her eyebrows and smiling, she continued, ‘Then I put the first hand above the second hand . . .’
‘My God!’ exclaimed the others. ‘It must have been huge! Then what did you do?’
‘I loaned him $75!’
1137
Bill and Olivia decided to celebrate their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. As they registered at the hotel, ‘Mimi’, a young woman in a short skirt, became very friendly, but Bill brushed her aside.
‘That was extremely rude of you,’ said Olivia.
‘What do you mean?’ replied Bill. ‘She was a prostitute.’
‘That sweet young thing? I don’t believe you.’
‘OK, let’s go up to our room and I’ll prove it to you.’
From the room Bill called down to the desk and asked for ‘Mimi’ to come to room 1198. He then told his wife to hide in the bathroom. A few minutes later there was a knock on the door and in walked ‘Mimi’, clearly ready to do business.
‘How much do you charge?’ asked Bill.
‘$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.’
Bill was taken aback. ‘I was thinking more like $25.’
‘You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price,’ sneered ‘Mimi’ and, when it became obvious that Bill was not willing to meet her price, she left.
An hour later. Bill and Olivia were enjoying a cocktail in the hotel bar. ‘Mimi’ wandered over to them and, pointing at Olivia, remarked icily: ‘See what you get for $25!’
1138
Tom met a hooker with an unusual speciality. He told his pal Steve: ‘I had the most amazing experience last night. This girl wedged my dick into a hot-dog bun, added cheese, cucumber, pickles, and ketchup, then grabbed it with both hands and slowly ate her way down from the tip to the balls.’
‘Wow!’ said Steve. ‘I hope you kept her number. I fancy some of that!’
Tom gave him her number but when the two guys met up again the next day, Steve looked really sad.
‘What’s up, mate?’ asked Tom. ‘Couldn’t you find her?’
‘I found her all right,’ said Steve. ‘But this time she tr
ied something different. She put my dick between two wafer biscuits, covered it with strawberry ice cream and pineapple chunks, put a succulent fresh strawberry on top, and covered it with chocolate sauce.’
‘My God!’ exclaimed Tom. ‘That sounds even better than I got from her. So why the long face?’
‘Well,’ said Steve, ‘it looked so good, I ate it myself.’
HOSPITALS
1139
A woman had been in a coma for three months. There seemed little hope until one day, while a male nurse was giving her a sponge bath, he noticed that there was a response on the monitor when he washed her ‘private area’. The nurse told the husband what had happened and suggested: ‘Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.’
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 31