‘Nothing,’ she replied. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.’
Lady,’ said the clerk, Indians ride bareback!’
1581
A cowboy was riding through the desert when he came across an Indian who was lying on the ground with his dick hanging out.
‘What are you doing?’ inquired the cowboy.
‘Me tell time,’ said the Indian. ‘Penis act as sundial.’
The cowboy was intrigued. ‘So what time do you make it?’
‘11.08.’
‘Me, too. That’s amazing.’
Impressed with the Indian’s ingenuity, the cowboy rode off and a few miles further on he stumbled across another Indian lying on the ground with his dick out.
‘I know what you’re up to,’ said the cowboy. ‘You’re telling the time. What time do you make it?’
The Indian studied the shadow from his penis. ‘11.21.’
‘That’s right,’ said the cowboy. ‘Unbelievable!’
The cowboy rode off until a few miles further on he spotted another Indian lying on the ground with his dick out. But this time the Indian was jerking himself off.
‘What the heck are you doing?’ asked the cowboy.
‘Me winding clock.’
1582
Did you hear about the Indian who drank twelve gallons of Lipton’s? – They found him the next day, dead in his tea-pee.
1583
One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names.
The father explained: ‘Whenever an Indian baby is born, the father goes outside and names the baby after the first thing he sees. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?’
1584
A Native American couple arrived in New York City. It was the first time they had ever ventured beyond their native village, and the wife, baffled by the unfamiliar streets plus the hustle and bustle of the crowds and traffic, soon became separated from her husband. The husband asked a passer-by for help in finding his missing spouse and was told to report it to the police.
At the station, the officer asked him for a description of his wife.
‘What’s a description?’ asked the Indian.
‘Well,’ explained the officer patiently, ‘a description is telling what something looks like. For example, my wife is twenty-four, 5ft 10in tall, weighs 140lb, and has measurements of 36-25-36. Now what can you tell me about your wife?’
‘To hell with my wife!’ said the Indian. ‘Let’s go look for yours!’
1585
What’s the Indian word for ‘lousy hunter’? – Vegetarian.
1586
An Indian and his squaw were driving their cart into town for some beers. On the way she gave him a blow job but then suddenly she pulled her head up and said: ‘Yur pashinit.’
He grinned and pushed her head back down, but again she yanked her head back up and said: ‘Yur pashinit.’
‘I know, I know,’ he said, smiling. ‘I’m very romantic, huh?’
‘No,’ she said, ‘yur pashinit – the beer store was back there!’
1587
An old Indian was standing on a street corner when an attractive woman passed by on her way to work. The Indian raised his hand in greeting and said, ‘Chance!’
The same thing happened over the rest of the week. The woman walked past, the Indian raised his hand and said, ‘Chance!’
Finally the woman could ignore it no longer. She stopped and said: ‘You’re an Indian, aren’t you?’
He nodded.
She continued: ‘I thought Indians always said “How!” as a greeting?’
The Indian said: ‘Already know “how”. Just want “chance”.’
1588
On a red hot day, an old Indian tied his horse under the shade of a tree with the intention of completing the journey into town on foot. But a hundred yards down the road, a guy in a Chevrolet offered him a lift, and the Indian got in.
As they touched 40 mph, the Indian said: ‘You go so fast, horse no get hot?’
‘No,’ replied the driver. ‘It’s air-cooled. The faster I go, the colder it gets.’
After completing his errands in town, the Indian was heading back to where he had left his horse when a Porsche driver offered him a lift. Soon they were doing 75 mph, prompting the Indian to ask: ‘You go so fast, horse no get hot?’
‘No,’ said the driver. ‘It’s air-cooled. The faster I go, the colder it runs.’
The driver dropped the Indian off near the tree, and the Indian climbed on his horse and got to work with the spurs. Over miles and miles of dusty paths, he rode as fast as he could. The horse was sweating up in a terrible lather, and then just as they reached his village, the horse dropped dead.
The other Indians came out to ask what had happened.
The old Indian said: ‘Near as I can tell, he froze to death.’
1589
During the space programme in the 1960s, the Apollo astronauts practised moon walking in the Arizona desert. The strange sight of the space-suited figures wandering around the landscape attracted the attention of several Indians. One of them could speak English, and the officials in charge told him what they were doing. When he informed the others, one old man wanted to write a message to send to the moon. The NASA people humoured him, and he scratched out a message. When the other Indians read it, they smiled, but didn’t say anything. Since it was in native writing, the NASA people couldn’t read it, but eventually they found an Indian who was willing to translate it for them. The note said: ‘Watch out for these people! They’re coming to take your land!’
1590
Working as a scout for the army, an Indian put his ear to the ground and said: ‘Hmm, buffalo come.’
The soldier was amazed by the Indian’s powers of deduction, but was unable to see any buffalo. After a minute or so, and still no sign of any buffalo, he asked the Indian: ‘How do you know buffalo come?’
The Indian replied: ‘Ear sticky.’
NECROPHILIA
1591
Two necrophiliacs were at work in the morgue. One turned to the other and said: ‘You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water she’d been in there for five weeks. I’m tellin’ you, her clit was just like a pickle!’
‘What,’ asked the other, ‘green?’
‘No,’ said the first, ‘a bit sour.’
1592
What do a fur trapper and a necrophiliac have in common? – Both are looking for dead beaber.
1593
What’s a necrophiliac’s biggest complaint about sex? – They just kinda lay there.
1594
Two gay necrophiliacs were walking past a morgue. One said to the other: ‘Hey, you wanna go in and suck a couple of cold ones?’
1595
The young male victim of a car crash was pronounced dead on arrival at hospital, and the emergency nurse was told to prepare the body for the undertaker. But as she removed the dead man’s clothes, she saw that he had died with a massive erection. Hard though she tried, she couldn’t take her eyes off it, and, with nobody around, she eventually yielded to temptation. She climbed on top and straddled the stiff. She found it immensely satisfying, but just as she was climbing off, a second nurse walked in and strongly reprimanded her.
‘It’s all right,’ pleaded the first nurse. ‘There’s no harm done. I enjoyed it, and he’s not exactly in a position to complain. I can’t get pregnant. Why don’t you have a go?’
‘I couldn’t,’ said the second nurse. ‘First, he’s dead, and besides I’m having my period. Anyway the doctor wants you.’
At that, the first nurse left the room, and the second nurse, after gazing longingly at his upright member for a few moments, also gave in to temptation. ‘So what if I’m having my period,’ she thought, and she proceeded to straddle the corpse. But just as she was about to reach orgasm, she was astonished
to feel him climax too. Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock: ‘I thought you were dead!’
‘Lady, I thought I was too until you gave me that blood transfusion.’
NEIGHBOURS
1596
First neighbour. Hi there, new neighbour, it’s a nice day to be moving.
New neighbour. Sure is.
First neighbour. Tell me, what do you do for a living?
New neighbour. I am a professor at the university. I teach deductive reasoning.
First neighbour. Deductive reasoning. What’s that?
New neighbour. Let me give you an example. I see you have a doghouse out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog.
First neighbour. That’s right.
New neighbour. The fact that you have a dog leads me to deduce that you have a family.
First neighbour. Right again.
New neighbour. Since you have family, I deduce that you have a wife.
First neighbour. Correct.
New neighbour. And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you’re heterosexual.
First neighbour. Yes.
New neighbour. And that is deductive reasoning.
First neighbour. Cool!
Later that same day . . .
First neighbour. I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door. He has an interesting job.
Third neighbour. What does he do?
First neighbour. He’s a professor of deductive reasoning at the university.
Third neighbour. Deductive reasoning. What’s that?
First neighbour. Let me give you an example. Do you have a doghouse?
Third neighbour. No.
First neighbour. Fag!
1597
A guy sat down at a bar, ordered a drink, and put his head in his hands.
‘What’s up?’ asked the bartender.
‘I’m in deep shit,’ said the guy. I just got caught screwing my neighbour.’
‘Who caught you?’ asked the bartender. ‘Your wife?’
‘No,’ replied the guy. ‘His wife.’
NEWFIES
1598
Two old guys were walking along on a glorious, clear Newfoundland evening. One said to the other: ‘What a beautiful night! Look at the moon.’
The other said: ‘That’s not the moon, it’s the sun.’
‘No, it’s not,’ insisted the first, ‘it’s the moon.’
‘I tell you, it’s the sun,’ said his companion.
The pair argued bitterly until they came across a third man.
‘Excuse me, sir,’ they said, ‘could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is that’s up in the sky shining. Is it the moon or the sun?’
The third guy looked at the sky and then looked at them and said: ‘Sorry, I don’t live around here.’
1599
Did you hear about the Newfie terrorist who tried to blow up a school bus? – He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.
1600
Did you hear about the Newfie Rubik’s cube? – It’s white on all sides and takes five minutes to solve.
1601
Did you hear about the Newfie who read that most car accidents happen within twenty miles of the home, so he moved?
1602
Did you hear about the Newfie who put on a clean pair of socks every day? – By the end of the week he couldn’t get his shoes on.
1603
An Ontarian, a British Columbian and a Newfie were standing at the top of a cliff when suddenly a genie appeared before them. The genie told them that if they jumped off the cliff, they would land in whatever they yelled as they were jumping.
The Ontarian hared towards the edge, jumped yelling ‘Money!’ and landed in a mountain of dollar notes.
The British Columbian sprinted to the cliff edge, jumped yelling ‘Gold!’ and landed in a pile of gold coins.
The Newfie ran as fast as he could, reached the edge of the cliff, tripped over a rock and screamed in pain as he fell downwards, ‘Shiiiit!’
1604
A Newfie aunt was knitting her young nephew some socks. But then she got a letter from the boy’s mother saying that he had grown another foot since she last saw him. So the aunt started knitting a third sock.
1605
A Newfie named Maurice was appearing on the television quiz show Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Against all the odds, he had reached the $125,000 mark, but he had only one lifeline left, which was to phone a friend.
‘You’ve done really well to get this far, Maurice,’ said the quizmaster. ‘The next question is for $250,000 if you decide to play. Are you ready?’
‘Yes,’ nodded Maurice.
‘On screen is a photograph of a famous American sportsman as a baby. For $250,000, which sportsman is it?’
Maurice studied the picture on the screen. ‘I’m pretty sure it’s Jack Nicklaus,’ he said. ‘Yes, it’s Jack Nicklaus, I’m sure it is . . . but I’d like to phone a friend to check.’
‘OK,’ said the quizmaster. ‘Who are you going to phone?’
‘My best friend Ed, who, like me, is a native of St John’s, Newfoundland.’
The phone rang and Ed picked it up at the other end. The quizmaster explained the situation to Ed, and Maurice told him to look at the TV and tell him which famous American sportsman was being shown as a baby.
Without any hesitation, Ed replied: ‘That’s Arnold Palmer. Definitely.’
Maurice looked concerned. ‘Are you sure, Ed, because I’m convinced it’s Jack Nicklaus?’
‘No,’ said Ed. ‘That’s Arnold Palmer, without a shadow of a doubt.’
‘Well,’ said the quizmaster to Maurice. ‘You’ve used your last lifeline, so now I need your answer.’
‘OK,’ said Maurice nervously. ‘Despite what my buddy Ed says, I’ve got to go with my instincts. From the moment I saw the photo, I was certain it was Jack Nicklaus, so I’m going with Jack Nicklaus.’
‘You know you don’t have to play, and that if you get it wrong, you lose $93,000?’
‘Yeah, I know,’ said Maurice. ‘But I’m going to play. Jack Nicklaus.’
‘Not Arnold Palmer?’ queried the quizmaster.
‘No, Jack Nicklaus. Final answer.’
The quizmaster took a deep breath. ‘I’m so sorry, Maurice, that is the wrong answer. You’ve just lost $93,000.’
Maurice held his head in his hands. As the quizmaster handed him his cheque for $32,000 and the audience started to applaud sympathetically, Maurice asked: ‘So what was the correct answer? It’s killing me!’
The quizmaster replied: ‘Mike Tyson.’
1606
After applying for a job with a large company, a Newfie was given an intelligence test by the human resources executive.
The executive asked: ‘Captain Cook went on three expeditions and died on one of them. Was it the first, the second, or the third?’
‘Could I have another question instead?’ asked the Newfie. ‘I’m hopeless at history.’
1607
How do you know which is the Newfie on an offshore oil rig? – He’s the one throwing bread to the helicopters.
1608
A Newfie was talking to his father the day after his wedding.
‘So how did it go last night, son?’
‘Great, Dad! Hell, the way she was acting, I think I could have fucked her!’
1609
A Newfie bought a smoke alarm for his house. After fixing it to the ceiling, he saw that the instructions said: ‘Now test your alarm.’ So he set fire to his sofa.
1610
An American, an Englishman and a guy from Newfoundland went on a hunting trip and were staying in a woodland cabin. They decided to go hunting one at a time while the other two stayed behind to guard the cabin.
The American went out first and came back with a fox. He said, very simply: ‘I see tracks, I follow tracks, I catch fox.’
Then the Englishman wen
t out and came back with a rabbit. He reported: ‘I see tracks, I follow tracks, I catch rabbit.’
Then it was the Newfie’s turn. He went out but came back covered in cuts and bruises. He said sorrowfully: ‘I see tracks, I follow tracks, I get hit by train.’
1611
Two Newfies decided to go away on a weekend fishing holiday on the Canadian mainland. They spared no expense on hiring the necessary equipment, splashing out a small fortune on rods, wading suits, a rowing boat, a car, and a woodland cabin. But at the end of their three-day break, they had managed to catch just one fish.
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 42