An hour or so later, while further investigating the facilities, he wandered into the sauna, sat down and farted. A big hairy guy appeared.
‘Did you call for me?’ asked the big guy.
‘No,’ said the businessman.
‘Well, it’s a rule here. If you fart, it means you’ve called for me.’
And before the businessman could say anything, the big guy had bent him over the sauna table and fucked the ass off him.
The businessman headed straight for reception, saying that he no longer wished to join the club and wanted his money back.
‘What’s the problem?’ asked the receptionist. ‘Aren’t you impressed with our facilities?’
‘Yes, they’re wonderful,’ he said. ‘But I’m sixty-one. I only get an erection twice a month, but I fart fifteen times a day! So no, thanks.’
1641
Sign at a nudist camp: Sorry – Clothed for Winter.
1642
A man joined a nudist colony. After a few weeks, he received a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photograph. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lived in a nudist colony, he cut a picture in half and sent her the top half.
Later he received another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cut another photo in half, but accidentally sent the bottom half. He was horrified when he realized he had sent the wrong part, but then remembered that his grandmother’s eyesight was so bad she probably wouldn’t notice.
A few weeks later he received a letter back from his grandmother. It said: ‘Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle – it makes your nose look long.’
Cruel Things To Say To a Naked Man:
1643
I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
1644
Aaahh, it’s cute.
1645
But it still works, right?
1646
Does it come with an air pump?
1647
Maybe it looks better in natural light.
1648
Why don’t we just cuddle?
1649
You know they have surgery to fix that?
1650
And yet your feet are so big!
1651
I guess this makes me the early bird.
1652
It’s OK, we’ll work around it.
1653
It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
1654
Why is God punishing me?
1655
Can I be honest with you?
NUNS
1656
A nun was walking down a city street when a mugger dragged her into bushes and raped her. Afterwards, the attacker sneered: ‘Now what are you going to tell your Mother Superior?’
The nun replied: ‘I will tell her that I was walking down the street when this man dragged me into the bushes and raped me twice.’
‘But I only raped you once,’ protested the mugger.
The nun said: ‘Surely you’re not tired already?’
1657
Two nuns went on a shopping trip to France to load up with duty free. On the way back they were just about to drive through ‘Nothing to declare’ when a customs officer waved them to the side.
The first nun said to the Mother Superior, who was driving, ‘Don’t worry, just show him your cross.’
So the Mother Superior wound the window down, leaned out and shouted: ‘Piss off, you bastard!’
1658
How do you get a nun pregnant? – Dress her up as an altar boy.
1659
A nun was walking through the convent grounds when one of the priests noticed that she was putting on weight. ‘Gaining a little weight, are we, Sister Assumpta?’ he inquired
‘No, Father, just a little gas.’
A month later the same priest noticed she’d put on even more weight. ‘Gaining some weight, are we. Sister Assumpta?’
‘No, Father, just a little gas.’
Three months later the priest saw Sister Assumpta pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over, looked in the carriage and said: ‘Cute little fart.’
1660
It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath and young Sister Mary had prepared bath towels exactly how the old nun had told her. Sister Mary was also told not to look at Father John’s naked body if she could help it, to do whatever he told her, and to pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Mary how the Saturday night bath had gone.
‘Oh, Sister,’ she said dreamily, I’ve been saved.’
‘Saved?’ queried the old nun. ‘And how did that fine thing come about?’
‘Well,’ said Sister Mary, ‘when Father John was soaking in the tub he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.’
‘Did he now?’ said the old nun sharply.
Sister Mary continued: ‘And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. Then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.’
‘Is that a fact?’ snapped the old nun.
‘At first it hurt terribly,’ added Sister Mary, ‘but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful.’
‘That wicked devil,’ said the oldnun. ‘He told me it Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve blowing it for forty years!’
1661
Why don’t gang members ever become nuns? – Because they find it difficult to say Superior after the word Mother.
1662
The girls at a convent had just come back from work experience. The Mother Superior asked the girls what they had done for the past week.
One of the girls, Mary, answered: ‘I was a prostitute.’
‘What?’ said the Mother Superior.
‘I was a prostitute,’ repeated Mary.
‘What?’ screamed the Mother Superior.
‘I was a prostitute!’ yelled Mary at the top of her voice.
‘Thank God for that,’ said the Mother Superior. I thought you said you were a Protestant.’
1663
Two nuns decided they would sneak out of the convent for a night on the town. They hit all the bars and dance clubs until at about two o’clock in the morning, they decided it was time to head back to the convent.
To enter the convent grounds undetected, they had to crawl under some barbed wire. As they started crawling on their bellies beneath the barbed wire, the first nun turned to the second and said: ‘I feel like a Marine.’
‘Me, too,’ replied the second nun. ‘But where are we going to find one at this time of night?’
1664
Two old nuns were discussing their holidays. As Sister Catherine was a bit deaf. Sister Mary was communicating by means of hand gestures. I think I’ll go to Florida this year,’ said Sister Mary, ‘where the oranges are that big and the bananas are that long.’
‘What?’ said Sister Catherine.
Sister Mary repeated loudly: ‘I think I’ll go to Florida where the oranges are that big and the bananas are that long.’
‘What?’ said Sister Catherine.
Shouting at the top of her voice and gesturing frantically. Sister Mary tried again. I think I’ll go to Florida where the oranges are that big and the bananas are that long!’
Sister Catherine said: ‘Father who?’
1665
The quiet, contemplative routine of a convent was being disrupted by a gang of workmen installing underground cables. Eventually the Mother Superior felt the need to complain to the men’s supervisor. She said: ‘There is too much bad language and profanity. It is inappropriate for our community. Can you please stop them?’
‘I’ll do my best. Sister,’ promised the supervisor, ‘but you have to remember that it is in their nature to call a spade a spade.’
The Mothe
r Superior said: ‘I think the term they actually use is “fucking shovel”.’
1666
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, on being told that there was a fortune to be made in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However at the auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. But he figured that, having bought the donkey, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried the headline: PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS.
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it at the next race meeting, and this time it won. The headline in the paper read: PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT. But the bishop was so upset by this publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in any more races. The newspaper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he told the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. Reading this, the bishop fainted. When he came round, he informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
In despair, the bishop instructed the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. The headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The bishop was buried the following day.
1667
Two nuns on a remote beach decided to go sunbathing in the nude behind a sand dune. They had been lying there for a while, soaking up the sun, when a photographer came by and immediately pointed his camera at them.
The first nun, who knew a little about photography, said: ‘Aren’t you going to focus?’
‘Quiet, Sister,’ said the second nun. ‘Let him take his picture first.’
1668
Stranded for the night, a man sought refuge in a convent. Reluctantly the Mother Superior allowed him to stay over. ‘But,’ she pointed out, ‘we have ten new nuns who may not yet be strong enough to resist temptation, so you must stay in your room and refrain from any contact whatsoever with the sisters.’
The man agreed.
The next morning, after the man had gone, the Mother Superior called all the nuns together for a meeting. ‘Sisters,’ she said, ‘we had a man stay here last night . . .’
Nine nuns gasped, one giggled.
‘. . . In his room,’ added the Mother Superior, ‘we found a used condom . . .’
Nine nuns gasped, one giggled.
‘. . . And in this condom, we found a hole.’
Nine nuns giggled, one gasped.
1669
Recovering in hospital from an operation, a man received a visit from a nun who was there to cheer up the sick and the lame. They started talking, and she asked about his life. He told her about his wife and their fourteen children.
‘My, my,’ said the nun, ‘fourteen children. A good and proper Catholic family. God is very proud of you.’
‘I’m sorry. Sister,’ he said, ‘I’m not Catholic, I’m Baptist.’
‘Baptist?’ she replied. ‘You sex maniac!’
1670
Three nuns were killed in a car crash. They went to heaven, only to find a sign at the gates, which said: ‘Closed for Rebuilding.’
Uncertain as to what to do next, they knocked on the gates and St Peter emerged. ‘What are you doing here?’ he asked. ‘There are no admissions this weekend. You’ll have to come back Monday.’
‘But what are we supposed to do in the meantime?’ chorused the nuns. ‘We’re dead, so we can’t go back to Earth.’
‘All right, I take your point,’ said St Peter. ‘What I’m going to do is send you back to Earth for the weekend as whoever you want to be, and then we’ll accept you into Heaven in a few days’ time. How’s that for a deal?’
The nuns nodded in agreement.
‘OK, who do you want to be?’ St Peter asked the first nun.
‘Tonight, Peter, I’m going to be Mother Theresa, because she led such a selfless, devoted life.’
The second nun said: ‘I’d like to go back as Joan of Arc because she was a martyr and an inspiration to so many.’
The third nun said: ‘I want to be Alice Kapipelean.’
St Peter looked bewildered. ‘Who?’
‘Alice Kapipelean,’ repeated the nun.
‘I’m sorry. Sister,’ said St Peter, ‘but there is no record of any Alice Kapipelean having lived on Earth.’
‘That’s where you’re wrong,’ said the nun, producing a newspaper cutting. ‘Here, read this. There’s your proof!’
St Peter glanced at the article and said: ‘No, no. Sister. You’ve misread it. The article says the Alaska Pipeline was laid by 500 men in six months.’
1671
Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth were walking through the park when they were jumped by two thugs. Their habits were ripped from them, and the men sexually assaulted them.
Sister Mary Catherine cast her eyes heavenward and cried: ‘Forgive him, Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!’
Sister Mary Elizabeth turned and said: ‘Mine does . . .’
1672
A nun was going to Chicago. While waiting in the airport for her flight, she spotted one of those weight machines that promises to tell your fortune. So, thinking that it was a good idea to know what fate had in store for her before taking to the skies, she went over to the machine and inserted a nickel. A few seconds later, a card came out that said: ‘You’re a nun, you weigh 128lb, and you are going to Chicago, Illinois.’
Initially impressed by its accuracy, she then started thinking that it was probably a fluke, and that all the cards were the same, but they just happened to fit her circumstances. So she decided to give the machine another go. She inserted her nickel and out came a card that read: ‘You’re a nun, you weigh 128lb, you’re going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle.’
The nun said to herself: ‘I know that’s wrong, because I have never played a musical instrument in my life.’ And she sat back down, convinced that the machine was a fraud.
But just then a cowboy came over and put his fiddle case on the seat next to her. After a couple of minutes, he turned to her and said: ‘My fiddle needs tuning, but I’ve sprained my wrist. Please, Sister, could you play a few notes for me?’ So the nun picked up the fiddle and instinctively began playing beautiful music.
Startled, she realised that the machine had been right. ‘This is incredible,’ she thought. ‘I must try it again.’
So she put in another nickel, and a card came out. It said: ‘You’re a nun, you weigh 128lb, you’re going to Chicago, Illinois, and you’re going to breakwind.’
This is nonsense,’ thought the nun. I’ve never, ever broken wind in public. The machine is definitely wrong this time.’
But as she stepped off the scales, she tripped and broke wind.
In stunned disbelief, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself: ‘This is truly unbelievable. I’ve got to try it again.’
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It read: ‘You’re a nun, you weigh 128lb, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!’
NURSERY RHYMES
1673
Jack and Jill went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed Jill’s ass,
Now his two front teeth are missing.
1674
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her poor dog a bone.
But when old mother bent over,
Rover drove her
Because Rover had a bone of his own.
1675
Mary had a little lamb,
She tied it to a pyl
on.
10,000 volts went up its ass
And turned its wool to nylon.
1676
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too – he’s funny that way!
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 44