That’s obscene,’ snorted the priest. After thinking for a moment, he said: ‘I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your birds will soon stop saying that awful phrase.’
‘Thank you,’ said the woman. That sounds a splendid idea.’
So the next day she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside the cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and put her parrots in the cage with them. A few minutes later, the female parrots squawked in unison: ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, ‘Put the beads away, Frank! Our prayers have been answered!’
PERIODS AND PMS
Signs That You May Have PMS:
1744
Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
1745
Your husband is suddenly agreeing with everything you say.
1746
Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
1747
You stop reading Cosmopolitan and start reading Guns and Ammo.
1748
The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
1749
When someone asks for the salt at the table, you snap, ‘All I ever do is give, give, give!’
1750
You consider chocolate a major food group.
1751
You buy your husband a new T-shirt . . . with a target on the front.
1752
Everyone within your immediate reach is dead.
1753
Two couples went away for the weekend and the guys persuaded their wives to swap partners for the night. Ray knew it was the time of the month for his wife but refrained from mentioning it to Phil. The guys agreed that when they sat around the breakfast table the following morning they would tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug to indicate the number of times they had sex with each other’s wife.
At breakfast, Ray proudly tapped his teaspoon three times against his coffee mug and waited for Phil’s response. Phil thought for a moment and then tapped his teaspoon once on the strawberry jam and three times on the peanut butter.
1754
Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel? It’s for the Christmas period.
1755
Two young boys went into a pharmacy, picked up a box of Tampax and walked up to the counter.
‘How old are you, son?’ inquired the pharmacist.
‘Eight.’
‘Do you know how these are used?’
‘Not exactly,’ said the boy, ‘but they aren’t for me. They’re for my brother – he’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you’ll be able to swim and ride a bike. And he can’t do either.’
1756
What’s the closest thing to a woman’s period? – Your salary: it comes once a month, lasts between five and seven days, and if it doesn’t come, you’re fucked!
1757
A lady was placing her purchases on the conveyor belt at the supermarket checkout. However one product didn’t have a price on it, so the cashier had to call for a price check. Consequently ‘Price check for Tampax . . . large’ was blurted out over the intercom, much to the lady’s embarrassment.
Unfortunately the price checker misheard the request and thought it was for ‘thumbtacks’ rather than ‘Tampax’. So he answered back through the intercom: ‘Is it the one you stick in with your thumb or the one you have to hammer in?’
1758
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? – Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
1759
Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain when they caught up with two tampons. One pad said to the other: ‘Should we say hi to those two tampons?’
The other pad said: ‘Nah, they’re stuck up cunts.’
1760
Cinderella was desperate to go to the ball, but it was the time of the month and she didn’t have any tampons. Luckily her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin next to Cinderella’s house into a tampon. The Fairy Godmother warned: ‘Be sure to get home by midnight or the tampon will turn back into a pumpkin.’
So Cinderella went to the ball. The Fairy Godmother waited patiently for her return but midnight passed and there was no sign of Cinderella. Eventually Cinderella rolled in at four o’clock in the morning.
‘What time do you call this?’ barked the Fairy Godmother angrily.
Cinderella said: ‘Sorry, but I met this amazing guy and things got really heavy between us. His name was Peter Peter . . .’
1761
Why did the US Army send so many women with PMS to Iraq? – Because they fought like animals and retained water for four days.
1762
A man walked into a pharmacy and asked where the tampons were. The sales assistant directed him to the back of the shop. A minute or so later, the man returned to the counter with a packet of tissues and some cotton buds.
The assistant was confused. ‘Why did you come in here, ask for a packet of tampons, and get those items?’
The man explained: ‘Last night I sent my wife down to the newsagent for a packet of cigarettes, and she came back with a packet of papers and some tobacco. So tonight she can roll her own!’
1763
Every Sunday a preacher at a small country church tried to make the Bible accessible to his congregation via his sermons. He would say: ‘If you ever feel adrift in the sea of life, just turn to the Bible for guidance. All of life’s experiences are immortalised in the good book.’
After one week’s service, a woman went up to the preacher and said: ‘I don’t think every life experience is mentioned in the Bible. Nowhere in the Bible have I read about PMS.’
The preacher promised to investigate, and the following Sunday he told the woman that he had indeed found a passage in the Bible about PMS. It read: ‘And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem.’
What PMS Stands For:
1764
Precarious Mental State
1765
Provide More Sensitivity
1766
Punching Men Senseless
1767
Protect My Scrotum
1768
Pitbull in Mini-skirt and Stilettos
1769
Pouty Mouth Syndrome
1770
Pardon My Sobbing
1771
Punish My Spouse
1772
Please Meet Satan
1773
Paint Me Sociopathic
1774
Pass My Shotgun
1775
Psychotic Mood Shift
1776
Pack My Stuff
1777
A werewolf came home after a hard day at the office.
‘How was work, dear?’ asked his wife. ‘Have you been busy?’
‘I don’t want to talk about work,’ he snapped.
‘Well, can I fix you some supper?’ she said.
‘For Christ’s sake, no!’ he yelled. ‘Why can’t you just leave me alone? I come in from work after a long, trying day, and all I want is to be left alone without you insinuating that I haven’t done anything. And then you want to force food down my throat. Just butt out, will you!’
‘Oh, dear,’ she sighed. I guess it’s that time of the month . . .’
POEMS
1778
A Girl’s Prayer:
Lord,
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong,
One whose willy’s thic
k and long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won’t wait weeks;
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed;
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say when I ask, ‘How big’s my behind?’
One who’ll make love till my body’s a twitchin,
In the hall, the bathroom, the garden, the kitchen.
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the wanker you sent me instead . . .
1779
She whispered,
‘Will it hurt me?’
‘Of course not,’ answered he,
‘It’s a very simple process,
You can rely on me.’
She said, ‘I’m very frightened,
I’ve not had this before.
My friend has had it five times
And said it can be sore.’
It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes,
It was hurting quite a bit now,
It must have been a size.
‘Calm yourself,’ he whispered,
His face filled with a grin,
‘Try and open wider
So I can get it in.’
‘It’s coming now,’ he whispered;
‘I know,’ she cried in bliss;
Feeling it deep within her now
She said, ‘I’m glad I’m having this.’
And with a final effort
She gave a frightened shout,
He gripped it in anguish
And quickly pulled it out.
She lay back quite contented,
Sighed and gave a smile;
She said, ‘I’m glad I came now,
You made it worth my while.’
Now if you read this carefully,
The dentist you will find
Is not what you imagined;
It’s just your dirty mind!
POLICE
1780
A local law enforcement officer stopped a driver for speeding, but decided to let him off with a warning. He asked the man his name and the driver replied: ‘Fred.’
‘Fred what?’ asked the officer.
‘Just Fred,’ said the driver. I used to have a last name but I lost it.’
‘What do you mean, you lost it?’
‘Let me explain,’ said the driver. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. But I worked hard and got good grades and trained to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. But after a while I got bored being a doctor and went back to school to study dentistry. Again I went through school, got my degree, so now I was Fred Dingaling MD, DDS. But dentistry didn’t fulfil me either and I started messing around with my assistant, who gave me VD. So I was Fred Dingaling MD, DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found about the VD, so they took away my DDS. So I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling, so now I’m just Fred.’
1781
A traffic cop stopped a woman driver for speeding and asked to see her licence.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said. I don’t have a licence. I lost it for drunk driving.’
‘I see,’ said the officer. ‘Well, can I look at your vehicle registration papers?’
‘No,’ said the woman, ‘I’m afraid you can’t. I stole this car, killed the owner, and put his remains in the trunk.’
The horrified cop immediately called for back-up and within a few minutes half a dozen police cars had arrived at the scene, sirens wailing. The police chief approached the woman cautiously, brandishing a gun. ‘OK, ma’am,’ he called out, ‘open the trunk of the car, please.’
She opened the car trunk, but it was empty.
‘Is this your car, ma’am?’ asked the chief.
‘Yes,’ said the woman. ‘Here are the registration papers.’
The chief looked puzzled. ‘My officer here said you don’t have a driver’s licence . . .’
‘Of course I have,’ said the woman, reaching into her purse and producing a licence.
‘I don’t know what’s going on here,’ said the chief, scratching his head. ‘My officer told me you don’t have a licence, that you stole this car, murdered the owner and put the body in the trunk.’
‘I don’t believe it!’ said the woman. ‘Next you’ll be telling me the lying bastard said I was speeding too!’
1782
A guy was walking down a country road late one evening when he felt the sudden need for sex. He realised that he was next to a pumpkin patch and, reasoning that a pumpkin was soft and squishy inside, he decided to cut a hole in one and satisfy his urges that way. Unfortunately he got so carried away with screwing the pumpkin that he failed to notice an approaching police car.
A policewoman got out of the car, went over to him and said: ‘Excuse me, sir. But do you realise that you are screwing a pumpkin?’
The guy looked horrified and said: ‘A pumpkin? Damn! Is it midnight already?’
1783
A man looked out of his window one night and saw a gang of thieves breaking into his garden shed. He called the police straight away, but the station sergeant said there was no one available to attend.
‘OK,’ said the houseowner, and he put the phone down. Five minutes later, he phoned the station again. ‘Don’t worry about sending anybody out to deal with the shed burglars at 53 Larch Avenue. I’ve shot them.’
Within two minutes the road was swarming with police cars. The officers caught the burglars red-handed, but the sergeant was furious. He said to the houseowner: ‘I thought you said you’d shot them!’
The houseowner countered: ‘I thought you said there was nobody available.’
1784
A young couple were driving down the road in a busy area when things started to get passionate. So they pulled over to the side of the road, and within a matter of seconds they were all over each other, oblivious to what was going on outside. Suddenly a policeman tapped on the window.
‘Don’t you know that it’s against the law to have sex on a public highway?’ he said.
Embarrassed at being caught, the couple apologized.
‘OK,’ said the cop, ‘but I’m going to have to write you a ticket.’ So he wrote the ticket and warned them not to do it again. After getting dressed, the girl asked her boyfriend what the policeman had written the ticket for.
The boy replied: ‘Doing 69 in a 30 mph speed zone.’
Signs That Your Police Partner Needs a Vacation:
1785
Every Tuesday he insists it’s his turn to be the siren.
1786
He talks to himself. Half of him is the ‘good cop’ and the other half is the ‘bad cop’.
1787
He has developed a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he’s arrested.
1788
He keeps asking you if his bulletproof vest makes him look fat.
1789
He is exchanging doughnut recipes with complete strangers.
1790
He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
1791
A New York cop pulled a guy over for driving erratically. ‘Sir, I can’t help noticing your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?’
The guy answered indignantly: ‘Officer, I can’t help noticing your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?’
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 47