The psychiatrist said: ‘No, but I can introduce you to a woman with a short attention span.’
1846
A guy bumped into his ex-girlfriend, from whom he had parted on bad terms.
He said: ‘You know, I was with another woman last night, but I was still thinking of you.’
‘Why?’ she asked, surprised. ‘Because you miss me?’
‘No, because it stops me coming too soon!’
PRIESTS
1847
Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest and a pilot were on a plane that was about to crash. The pilot said, ‘Look, we only have three parachutes, let’s give them to the three Boy Scouts. They’re young and have their whole lives ahead of them.’
The lawyer snarled: ‘Fuck the Boy Scouts!’
The priest said: ‘Do we have time?’
1848
An Irish priest in a small village near Limerick kept chickens. He had a cock rooster and a dozen hens but one day the rooster went missing and he appealed for its return at Mass.
‘Has anybody got a cock?’ he asked the congregation. All the men stood up. ‘Dear God, no,’ exclaimed the priest, flustered. ‘That wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?’ All the women stood up. ‘No, no. That wasn’t what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?’ Half of the women stood up. ‘No, no. That wasn’t what I meant at all. Let me rephrase the question. Has anybody seen my cock?’ All of the nuns stood up.
1849
A young priest got up one morning and went to breakfast. On his way, he passed two nuns and said cheerily: ‘Good morning, Sisters.’
The nuns replied: ‘You got out on the wrong side of bed this morning!’
Taken aback by their reply, he walked on and met a monk. ‘Good morning, Brother,’ said the priest.
‘You got out on the wrong side of bed this morning!’ replied the monk.
Confused, the priest then bumped into a fellow priest. ‘Good morning, Father,’ he said.
The other priest said: ‘You got out on the wrong side of bed this morning!’
By now the young priest was furious. He continued his walk to the dining hall without greeting anyone. But then the bishop saw him and said: ‘Father . . .’
The priest glared at the bishop and snapped: ‘No, I did not get out on the wrong side of bed this morning!’
The bishop was puzzled. ‘I don’t know what you mean.’
The priest realized his mistake. ‘I am sorry, your holiness. What is it you want?’
The bishop looked at him and said: ‘All I was going to ask was why you were wearing Sister Mary’s shoes?’
1850
Some years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday, a lady arrived without her head covering, and the priest refused her admission. Undeterred, she returned a few minutes later, wearing her blouse tied around her head.
The shocked priest said: ‘Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without you wearing a blouse.’
‘But, Father,’ she protested, ‘I have a divine right.’
‘I see that,’ said the priest. ‘And your left one’s not bad either, but you still have to wear a blouse to enter this church!’
1851
A priest was pulled over by a cop for speeding. Seeing an empty wine bottle in the car and smelling alcohol on the priest’s breath, the police officer asked: ‘Father, have you been drinking?’
‘Only water, my son,’ replied the priest.
‘Then why can I smell wine?’ said the officer.
The priest looked at the wine bottle and exclaimed: ‘Oh, my Lord, He’s gone and done it again!’
1852
A young woman went to confession. ‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned,’ she said. ‘Last night my boyfriend made love to me seven times.’
The priest said: ‘You must go home and suck the juice of seven lemons.’
‘And will that absolve me?’ asked the young woman.
‘No,’ replied the priest, ‘but it will take that smug look off your face.’
1853
Two priests died at the same time and met St Peter at the Pearly Gates. St Peter said: ‘I’d like to let you guys in now, but unfortunately our computers are down. You’ll have to go back to Earth for a week or so, but I’m afraid you can’t go back as humans. What do you want to be?’
The first priest said: ‘I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.’
‘So be it,’ said St Peter, and the priest flew off.
The second priest thought about the proposition for a minute, then said: ‘Will you be keeping track of us, St Peter?’
‘No,’ said St Peter. ‘Like I told you, the computer is down. There’s no way we can keep track of what you are doing. This week’s a freebie.’
‘In that case,’ said the second priest, ‘I’ve always wanted to be a stud.’
‘So be it,’ said St Peter, and the second priest disappeared.
A week went by, the computer was repaired, and God told St Peter to recall the two priests. ‘Will you have trouble locating them?’ he asked.
‘The first one should be easy,’ answered St Peter. ‘He’s somewhere over the Rocky Mountains, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove more difficult.’
‘Why?’ asked God.
‘Because he’s on a snow tyre somewhere in Alaska.’
1854
Staying the night in a hotel, a priest made a pass at the maid. At first she objected, but he sweet-talked her into bed by insisting: ‘It’s all right; it’s written in the Bible.’
Waking the next morning, the maid began to wonder where exactly in the Bible it says that it’s all right for a priest to sleep with hotel staff. So the priest picked up the copy of the Bible from the bedside table and showed her the inside cover. Written in pencil were the words, ‘The maid is easy.’
1855
A new priest was so nervous before giving his first mass that he could hardly speak. Afterwards he confessed his feelings to the watching monsignor who suggested: ‘Whenever I feel anxious about getting up on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to my glass of water. And if I start to feel nervous, I take a sip of the vodka. It calms me down, and none of the congregation is any the wiser.’
So next Sunday at mass the priest took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink of vodka. It loosened his tongue so effectively that his nerves vanished at once. Returning to his office at the end of mass, he found the following note from the monsignor pinned to his door:
1.
Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2.
There are ten commandments, not twelve.
3.
There are twelve disciples, not ten.
4.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as ‘the late J.C.’.
7.
The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as ‘Daddy, Junior, and the Spook’.
8.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9.
When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10.
We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T’.
11.
The Virgin Mary is not called ‘Mary with the Cherry’.
1856
A young man went to confession and said: ‘Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Pussy Green every week for the last month.’
The priest said: ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys.’
Ten minutes later, another man entered the confessional. ‘Father,’ he said, ‘it has been two months since my last conf
ession. I have had sex with Pussy Green twice a week for the last two months.’
The priest was intrigued. ‘Who exactly is this Pussy Green?’
‘A new woman in the neighbourhood,’ replied the sinner.
‘Very well,’ said the priest. ‘Say twelve Hail Marys.’
At Mass the next day, as the priest was preparing to deliver his sermon, a tall, beautiful woman swanned down the aisle. She was wearing a green mini-dress with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped in admiration as the woman sat before them with her legs spread slightly apart. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered breathlessly: ‘Is that Pussy Green?’
The equally smitten altar boy said: ‘No, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes.’
1857
A priest was making the rounds of his parish on a bicycle when he came upon a small boy trying to sell a lawnmower.
‘How much do you want for the mower?’ asked the priest.
‘I’m just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle,’ said the boy.
After a moment of consideration, the priest suggested: ‘How about taking my bicycle in trade for it?’
The boy said: ‘You’ve got a deal.’
The priest took the mower and tried to start it. He pulled on the string a few times, but the mower refused to respond. In frustration, he called the boy over and said: ‘I can’t get this mower to start.’
The boy said: ‘That’s because you have to swear at it to get it started.’
The priest was shocked. ‘I’m a man of the church. I can’t curse and swear. In fact, it’s been so long since my salvation that I don’t know if I could even remember how to swear.’
The boy smiled at him and said: ‘Just keeping pulling on that string. It’ll come back to ya!’
1858
At confession, a young guy told the priest: ‘Father, I have a steady girlfriend but I’m ashamed to say I’ve cheated on her. Last month I went to her uncle’s house to visit her, but she wasn’t around. The only person there was her aunt, so I slept with her.’
‘That’s a bad thing to do,’ said the priest.
‘But that’s not all,’ continued the young man. ‘Last week I went to my girlfriend’s office, but she wasn’t there. The only person around was one of her colleagues, and I ended up having sex with her.’
‘That’s bad,’ said the priest.
‘But there’s more,’ said the young man. ‘Yesterday I went to my girlfriend’s house, but she wasn’t there. In fact nobody was home except her sister. We were alone and I slept with her.’
‘That’s very bad,’ said the priest, dropping his pants.
‘Father, what are you doing?’ demanded the young man.
The priest answered: ‘Well, your girlfriend’s not here either!’
1859
O’Reilly lived alone in the countryside with only his pet dog for company. When the dog died, O’Reilly went to the parish priest and said: ‘Father, my poor dog has died. Could you be saying a Mass for the poor creature?’
The priest replied: ‘I’m afraid not. We cannot have church services for an animal. It would set an unhealthy precedent. But there’s a new denomination in the next village, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the poor creature.’
‘Very well, Father,’ said O’Reilly. ‘I’ll go right away. Do you think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?’
The priest exclaimed: ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?’
PRISON
1860
A group of prisoners were in a rehabilitation meeting at which they had to admit to fellow inmates what crime they had committed.
The first prisoner said: ‘I’m Gavin, and I’m in for murder.’ The others nodded approvingly and patted him on the back for having the courage to speak up.
The second said: ‘I’m Pete, and I’m in for armed robbery.’ Again the others congratulated him for being brave enough to admit to his crimes.
The third said: ‘I’m Dennis, but I’m not telling you what I’m in for.’
The group leader intervened. ‘You must,’ he said. ‘It’s the only way you’ll progress.’
‘All right, then,’ said Dennis. ‘I’m in for screwing dogs.’
‘That’s disgusting!’ shouted the others. ‘How low can you go?’
‘Chihuahuas,’ replied Dennis.
1861
A nerdy accountant was sent to jail for embezzlement and, to his horror, was put in a cell with a big greasy biker.
That night the biker announced menacingly: ‘I want to have some sex. You wanna be the husband or the wife?’
The accountant was terrified by both prospects, but decided to go for what he thought was the lesser of the two evils.
‘I’ll be the husband,’ he stammered.
‘Well,’ snarled the biker, ‘get over here and suck your wife’s dick.’
1862
Two white guys and a black guy were sharing a cell in a US jail. The first white guy said he was doing ten years for armed robbery, but said he was lucky the gun hadn’t gone off or he’d be doing life. The second white guy said he was doing twelve years for attempted murder, but reckoned he was lucky the victim had lived or he’d be doing life. The black guy said he was doing twenty years for riding his bike without a light, but figured he was lucky it wasn’t night time.
1863
A man had just come out of prison after serving a forty-year sentence. In the first bar he went to, a filthy, greasy, long-haired, bearded guy came over and sat down. The ex-con couldn’t help staring at him.
After a while the hairy guy asked: ‘Why are you staring at me?’
The ex-con replied: ‘What the hell are you?’
‘I’m a hippie,’ he said.
‘What’s a hippie?’
‘Well, we believe in free love, no rules of life, and generally just hanging out doing our own thing. It’s a form of philosophy.’
‘Thank God!’ exclaimed the ex-con. ‘Forty years ago I got sent to prison for having sex with a buffalo, and I was afraid you might be my son!’
1864
Two hardened prisoners in a maximum-security prison were talking.
The first said: ‘I’ve got two tickets for the warden’s ball. Do you want to buy one?’
‘No, thanks, mate. I can’t dance.’
‘It’s not a dance, it’s a raffle!’
PSYCHICS AND MEDIUMS
1865
A frog phoned the Psychic Hotline and was told, ‘You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you.’
The frog said, ‘That’s great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?’
‘No,’ replied the psychic. ‘Next term – in her biology class.’
1866
A ventriloquist decided to set up in business using his dummy as a medium. One day a woman approached him and said she wanted to contact her dead husband.
‘How much would it cost me to get in touch with my husband via your dummy?’ she asked.
The ventriloquist said: ‘If you only want to hear him speak, it’s $30. If you want to have a conversation with him, it’s $50. And I charge $75 if you want a conversation with him while I’m drinking a glass of water.’
1867
Strolling through a fairground, a guy arrived at a palm reader’s table. ‘For fifteen dollars I can read your love line and tell your romantic future,’ said the mysterious old woman.
The guy agreed, and the reader took one look at his open palm and said: ‘I can see that you have no girlfriend.’
‘That’s true,’ said the guy.
‘Oh, my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren’t you?’ added the woman.
‘Yes,’ he admitted. ‘That’s amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?’
‘Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters.’
> PUBIC HAIR
1868
As her fellow passengers got off to do some sightseeing on a senior citizens’ coach tour, one old lady surprised the driver by going up to him and whispering in his ear: ‘Driver, I believe I have just been sexually harassed.’
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 50