‘Now do you understand?’ asked the doctor.
‘Yes, sir,’ replied the hillbilly. ‘Just one question though: how often do I have to bring her in?’
1920
What do you call a redneck with an IQ of 120? – A suburb.
1921
Ellie-Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told him she’d send someone out right away.
‘Where do you live?’ asked the operator.
‘At the end of Eucalyptus Drive,’ answered Bubba.
‘Can you spell that for me?’
There was a long pause, then Bubba said: ‘How ’bout if I drag her over to Oak Street, and you pick her up there?’
1922
Two rednecks were courting in cattle country. One evening as they were sitting on the porch watching the sun go down, the young guy spotted his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows. Sighing contentedly, he plucked up the courage to say: ‘Ellie-Mae, I’d sure like to be doing what that bull is doing.’
‘Go ahead,’ said Ellie-Mae. ‘It is your cow.’
1923
Did you hear about the divorced redneck? – He wondered if his ex-wife was still his sister.
1924
An Alabama State Trooper pulled over a pickup truck and said to the driver: ‘Got any ID?’
The driver said: ‘’Bout what?’
1925
Why do drivers’ education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? – Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the sex education class uses it.
1926
Bubba decided he wanted to get married to his sweetheart.
‘Bubba, you can’t get married yet,’ said his mother. ‘You’re the baby of the family.’
‘But, Ma,’ protested Bubba, ‘I just had my 37th birthday last week.’
‘We know that, Bubba,’ said his father, ‘but your ma and me think you should put off getting married until after you graduate from high school.’
1927
Why is it so difficult to solve a redneck murder? – No dental records.
1928
A woman from Arkansas was in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asked her how many children she had.
‘Ten boys,’ she said.
‘And what are their names?’ he asked.
‘Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy and Leroy.’
‘All named Leroy? Why would you give all your kids the same name?’
‘That way, when I wants them all to come in from the yard or for dinner, I just yells “Leroy”. And they all come.’
‘What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?’
‘Then I calls him by his last name.’
1929
What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are having sex? – Relative humidity.
1930
Billy-Bob was riding in Jed’s truck. Suddenly Jed pulled over, got out, pointed to a field and said misty eyed: ‘That’s where I first had sex.’
‘How was it?’ asked Billy-Bob.
‘Great,’ replied Jed. ‘Until I looked up and saw her mom was watching.’
‘Holy shit! What did she say?’
‘Baaaa.’
1931
Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a suspect car towards Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper immediately pulled over.
His colleague said: ‘Why did you stop?’
The first Trooper replied: ‘He’s in Georgia now. They’re an hour ahead of us, so we’ll never catch him.’
1932
A small wild animal park in Arkansas acquired a rare species of gorilla. Unfortunately they only had the one – a female – as a result of which there seemed little prospect of establishing a breeding programme. Within weeks, the gorilla was in heat, but with no male available, the park chiefs could only watch in frustration. Then one of them came up with an idea: redneck men are not renowned for being choosy and, if the money was right, maybe one of them could be persuaded to impregnate the gorilla. So they decided to approach Ed, a part-time redneck intern at the park.
The park manager called Ed into his office. ‘Ed, I know this is a strange request, but would you be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?’
Ed said he’d like to go away and think about. The next day he returned with his answer.
‘Yes, sir, I’ll do it . . . but on three conditions. First, I don’t want to have to kiss the gorilla. Second, you must never tell anyone about this . . .’
‘And thirdly?’
‘You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.’
1933
Arkansas police were conducting a campaign to round up all stray dogs and those without a licence. Billy-Bob was driving along in his good ole pickup truck when a police officer pulled him over.
‘What’s the problem, officer?’ asked Billy-Bob.
The officer pointed to Ole Blue, Billy-Bob’s hunting dog, which was sitting in the passenger seat, and said: ‘Does that dog have a licence?’
Billy-Bob replied: ‘No, sir, he don’t need one. You see, I do all the driving myself.’
RESTAURANTS
1934
A customer at a restaurant noticed that all the staff had spoons in their shirt pockets. So he asked the waiter at his table: ‘Why the spoons?’
The waiter explained: ‘The restaurant’s owners hired a consulting firm to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most dropped utensil – approximately three spoons per table per hour. So if our personnel were better prepared, we could reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save fifteen man-hours per shift.’
The customer was impressed, all the more so when he accidentally dropped his spoon and the waiter was able to replace it with his spare.
Then the customer spotted that all the waiters had a piece of string hanging from their flies. Curious, he asked his waiter: ‘Can you tell me why you have that string right there?’
‘Certainly,’ said the waiter, lowering his voice. ‘That consulting firm I mentioned also found that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, thus shortening the time in the restroom by 76.26%.’
‘But after you get it out,’ asked the customer, ‘how do you put it back?’
‘I don’t know about the others,’ whispered the waiter, ‘but I use the spoon.’
1935
A drunk staggered into a diner and ordered a couple of eggs. The waiter, fearing that they had run out, went into the kitchen to check with the chef.
‘Have we got any more eggs left?’ he asked.
The chef replied: ‘I’m right out of fresh eggs. There’s just two rotten eggs left.’
The waiter said: ‘That’s OK. Give him the rotten eggs. He’s so drunk he won’t know the difference.’
So the chef scrambled the rotten eggs, and heaped on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk was so hungry he wolfed down the breakfast without saying a word.
When the drunk went to pay, he said to the cashier: ‘Where did you get those eggs?’
She said: ‘We have our own chicken farm.’
‘Do you have a rooster?’ asked the drunk.
‘No,’ she said.
‘Well,’ advised the drunk, ‘you’d better get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens.’
1936
A hobo in a greasy spoon diner asked the waitress for a meatloaf dinner and some kind words. She brought the meatloaf, but didn’t say a thing.
‘Hey, what about the kind words?’ he asked.
She said: ‘Don’t eat the meatloaf.’
1937
A man walked into a hamburger bar and ordered a regular meal. But halfway through his meal he found a small hair in the hamburger and call
ed the waitress to complain. The waitress took him to see the cook who was flattening meat patty under his armpit.
‘That’s disgusting!’ said the man.
The waitress said: ‘You think that’s disgusting, you should see him make donuts!’
You Might be Under-Qualified for a Fast-Food Job If:
1938
When a customer asks for his change, you instinctively say, ‘Would you like fries with that?’
1939
Your uniform doubles as your ‘going out’ clothes.
1940
There is more grease on your body than in the fryer.
1941
You can’t count to twenty with your shoes on.
1942
You squeeze your zits into the coleslaw bowl.
1943
Your name tag serves as an invaluable reminder.
1944
You think to yourself, ‘Here’s a job with a future.’
1945
A waiter in a restaurant carried a bowl of soup to the table with his fingers dangling in the soup.
‘What are you doing with your fingers in my soup?’ demanded the customer.
‘It keeps them warm,’ said the waiter.
‘Well, why don’t you poke them up your ass?’
‘I do . . . in the kitchen.’
1946
A guy walked into a downmarket New York diner and saw a sign hanging over the counter which read: ‘cheese sandwich $1.50; chicken sandwich $2.00; hand job $5.00.’
Checking his wallet for the necessary money, he walked up to the counter and beckoned to one of the attractive women serving a line of eager-looking middle-aged men.
‘Yes?’ she inquired with a knowing smile. ‘Can I help you?’
‘I was wondering,’ whispered the man, ‘are you the one who gives the hand jobs?’
‘Yes,’ she purred. ‘I am.’
The man said: ‘Well, wash your fucking hands – I want a cheese sandwich!’
1947
A woman was dining in a restaurant in a small country town in the Mid-West. She had ordered chicken, but part-way through her meal she began to choke uncontrollably on a chicken bone. Two country boys spotted her plight and went over to help. The first quickly dropped his overalls and bent over the woman’s table, enabling the second country boy to begin licking his butt. The woman was so grossed out by the sight of one guy licking the other’s butt that she puked all over the floor, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.
The first country boy immediately pulled his overalls back up and said to the other: ‘You’re right, Eddie, that hind-lick manoeuvre works like a charm.’
RIDDLES
1948
How can you tell if a crab is an insomniac? – It only sleeps in snatches.
1949
What was John Lennon’s last hit? – The pavement.
1950
Why did Mark Chapman shoot John Lennon? – Yoko ducked.
1951
What fruit has seven dents? – Snow White’s cherry.
1952
What’s the difference between love, true love and showing off? – Spit, swallow and gargle.
1953
What’s the definition of eternity? – The time between when you cum and she leaves.
1954
What do you do when the dishwasher quits working? – Slap her.
1955
What do you call five dogs with no balls? – The Spice Girls.
1956
Why do Montana stadiums have Astroturf? – To stop the cheerleaders grazing.
1957
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? – Gagged.
1958
What do Lifesavers do that a man can’t? – Come in eight flavours.
1959
Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70? – Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.
1960
Why did the bee cross his legs? – Because he couldn’t find the BP station.
1961
What goes 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3 . . .? – Bo Derek getting older.
1962
What’s the best thing about line dancing? – One grenade gets them all.
1963
What slides down toilet walls? – George Michael’s latest release.
1964
How do you know a man is a really bad dancer? – When he can still step on Dolly Parton’s toes.
1965
If they bring shrimps home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on? – The captain’s dinghy.
1966
How did the Dairy Queen get pregnant? – The Burger King didn’t cover his whopper.
1967
What is thirty feet long, has ten teeth, and smells of piss? – The front row at an Andy Williams concert.
1968
What has balls and screws old ladies? – A bingo machine.
1969
What has hindsight? – A stag during the rutting season.
1970
How do you piss off Winnie the Pooh? – By sticking your finger in his honey.
1971
Who invented break dancing? – A guy trying to steal hubcaps off a moving car.
1972
What looks like Blu-tak, feels like Blu-tak, tastes like Blu-tak, but isn’t Blu-tak? – Smurf poo.
1973
What goes ‘Mark!’ – A dog with a harelip.
1974
How did the teenager know he had bad acne? – His dog called him Spot.
1975
What is an innuendo? – An Italian suppository.
1976
What’s ten inches long, two inches thick, and starts with a P? – A really good crap.
1977
If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear? – A hole in it.
1978
Why was the washing machine laughing? – Because it was taking the piss out of the underwear.
1979
What do you get if you cross Tina Turner with an orangutan? – An ugly orangutan.
1980
Why does it suck to be an egg? – You only get laid once, you only get eaten once, it takes fifteen minutes to get hard, three minutes to get soft, and the only chick who will sit on your face is your mother.
1981
Why does Tigger have no friends? – Because he plays with Pooh.
1982
What’s white, sticky, and falls from the sky? – The coming of the Lord.
1983
What’s the noisiest thing in the world? – Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.
1984
What is the lightest thing in the world? – A penis: even a thought can raise it.
1985
What’s green and smells like pork? – Kermit’s finger.
1986
Why did the lump of snot cross the road? – Because he was being picked on.
1987
What’s the difference between sin and shame? – It’s a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.
1988
What’s round, hard, and sticks so far out of his pyjamas that a man can stick his hat on it? – His head.
1989
What’s red and white and sits in trees? – A sanitary owl.
1990
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? – A pickpocket snatches watches.
1991
What’s a hospice? – About three gallons.
1992
Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box? – Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio’s face, moaning, ‘Lie to me!’
1993
Why did Humpty Dumpty push Mrs Dumpty off the wall? – To see her crack.
1994
Who has blonde hair, surgically enhanced 32E breasts, and is the richest woman in Switzerland? – Osama bin Laden.
ROYALTY
1995
The Kings of Spain, France
and England were taking part in a public competition to discover which of them had the biggest penis. As the King of Spain whipped his out, the Spanish crowd cheered ‘Viva España!’ Next the French King dropped his pants, and his dick was even bigger. ‘Vive la France!’ roared the French supporters. Finally the King of England produced his massive member. After a stunned silence, everyone exclaimed: ‘God Save the Queen!’
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 52