The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes
Page 60
2301
Gabriel came to the Lord and said: ‘I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here in heaven who are causing problems. They’re swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they insists on wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. Also they refuse to keep the stairway to heaven clean – there are watermelon seeds all over the place.’
The Lord said: ‘I made them special, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, let’s call the Devil.’
So they phoned down to hell, and asked the Devil what sort of problems he was experiencing. ‘Hang on a second, will you,’ said the Devil. ‘I have to sort something out.’ They heard shouting in the background. When the Devil returned to the phone, he groaned: ‘You’ll never believe the day I’m having! Those damn Texans have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning!’
2302
A Texan farm-girl answered the door and found her father’s neighbour standing there. ‘My paw ain’t home,’ she said, ‘but I know what you want. You want our bull to service your cow. Well, my paw charges $150 for his best bull.’
‘That’s not what I want,’ said the neighbour tetchily.
‘Well, we also have a young bull – my paw charges $100 for him.’
‘That’s not what I want,’ growled the neighbour.
‘In which case, we do have an old bull in the pasture. My paw charges $50 for him.’
‘That’s not what I want, either!’ snarled the neighbour. ‘I came to see your pa about your brother, Elmer. He’s gone and got my daughter pregnant!’
The girl said: ‘Oh, I guess you’ll have to see my paw about that then, ’cos I don’t know what he charges for Elmer.’
2303
A rich old Texan woman was feeling generous at Thanksgiving. So she called up the local military base and asked to speak with the lieutenant.
She said: ‘Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner at my mansion on Thanksgiving. But don’t send any Jews. Please, no Jews.’
The lieutenant thanked her for her generosity.
On Thanksgiving the woman opened the door to find four young black soldiers standing there. ‘There must be some mistake,’ she spluttered.
‘No, ma’am,’ said one. ‘Lieutenant Goldstein doesn’t make mistakes.’
You Know You’re a True Texan When:
2304
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
2305
‘Vacation’ means going to the family reunion.
2306
You’ve seen all the biggest bands . . . ten years after they were popular.
2307
You measure distance in minutes.
2308
You know several people who have hit a deer.
2309
Your school classes were cancelled because of cold.
2310
Your school classes were cancelled because of heat.
2311
You think of the four major food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
2312
You think sexy lingerie is a T-shirt and boxer shorts.
2313
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
2314
Three Texas surgeons were arguing about which was the most skilful.
The first said: ‘Three years ago, I reattached seven fingers on a pianist. He went on to give a recital before the Queen of England!’
The second boasted: ‘That’s nothing. I attended a man in a car smash. All his arms and legs were severed from his body. Two years later, thanks to my surgical expertise, he won a track and field gold medal at the Olympic Games!’
The third said: ‘A few years back, I operated on a cowboy. He was high on drink when he rode his horse head-on into a Santa Fe freight train travelling at 100 mph. All I had to work with was the horse’s ass and a ten-gallon hat. Last year, he was re-elected President of the United States!’
THERAPY
2315
Girl: I have committed a great sin. I called a boy a bastard.
Psychiatrist: That’s not a nice thing to call someone. What did he do to deserve it?
Girl: Well, he kissed me.
Psychiatrist: You mean, like this?
Girl: Yes!
Psychiatrist: Well, that’s no reason to call him a bastard.
Girl: But he put his hand inside my bra.
Psychiatrist: You mean, like this?
Girl: Yes!
Psychiatrist: Well, that’s no reason to call him a bastard.
Girl: But he took my clothes off.
Psychiatrist: You mean, like this?
Girl: Yes!
Psychiatrist: Well, that’s no reason to call him a bastard.
Girl: But he had sex with me.
Psychiatrist: You mean, like this?
Girl: Yes!
Psychiatrist: Well, that’s still no reason to call him a bastard.
Girl: But he told me has AIDS.
Psychiatrist: The bastard!
2316
Two married women, Lynn and Christine, were discussing their sex lives over lunch.
‘To tell you the truth,’ confessed Lynn, ‘Jay and I have been having some problems.’
‘Really?’ said Christine. ‘So have Frank and I. In fact, we’re thinking of going to see a sex therapist.’
‘Oh, we could never do that,’ said Lynn. ‘We’d be too embarrassed. But if you go, I’d be interested to hear how got on.’
A couple of months later the two friends met for lunch again.
‘So how did the sex therapy work out?’ asked Lynn.
‘Things couldn’t be better!’ said Christine. ‘We began with a physical examination, and afterwards the doctor said he was sure he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor naked and to toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Whenever a grape went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. It’s put a real spark back into our sex life.’
Encouraged by this report, Lynn managed to persuade her husband to book an appointment with the same therapist. After the physical examinations were completed, the doctor called Lynn and Jay into his office.
‘I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you,’ he said.
‘Wait a minute,’ interrupted Lynn. ‘You did such a wonderful job for our friends, Christine and Frank, surely there must be something you can suggest to boost our sex life? Please can you help us? Anything at all.’
‘Well, OK,’ said the doctor. ‘On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a bag of apples and a box of Cheerios . . .’
2317
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb? – Two. One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis, I mean ladder.
2318
After hearing a couple complain that their sex life wasn’t as exciting as it used to be, a sex therapist suggested they try some new positions. ‘For example,’ he said, ‘you might try the wheelbarrow.’
‘The wheelbarrow? What’s that?’ asked the husband.
The therapist explained: ‘You just lift her legs, penetrate, and off you go.’
The husband liked the sound of that and was keen to try out the new position as soon as they got home. ‘Well, OK,’ agreed the wife hesitantly, ‘but on two conditions. First, if it hurts, you’ll stop right away. And second, you must promise you won’t go past my mother’s.’
2319
A guy went to a psychiatrist. After listening to his problems, the psychiatrist declared: ‘I think your problem is low self-esteem. It’s very common among total losers.’
2320
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist: ‘You worry about
your son too much, and it is causing you needless anxiety. I’m going to put you on a course of tranquillizers.’
On her next visit, the psychiatrist asked: ‘Have the tranquillizers calmed you down?’
‘Oh, yes,’ replied the woman. ‘They have worked wonders.’
‘And how is your son now?’
‘Who cares?’
2321
A man walked into a therapist’s office, looking thoroughly depressed. ‘Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.’
‘What’s the problem?’ asked the therapist.
‘I’m 39 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.’
‘This is not a serious problem,’ said the therapist. ‘You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and go straight to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women swarming all over you.’
The man seemed happy with this advice but when he returned to the therapist three weeks later, he was looking just as miserable as before.
‘Did my advice not work?’ asked the therapist.
‘It worked all right,’ said the man. ‘For the past three weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous-looking women.’
‘So, what’s your problem?’
‘I don’t have a problem,’ said the man. ‘My wife does!’
2322
A psychiatrist was travelling home from work by train when he noticed the old man opposite talking to himself then laughing aloud. Every so often the man would raise his hand, stop talking, and then start all over again.
Intrigued by what was clearly a fascinating case, the psychiatrist eventually asked: ‘Can I help in any way? I’m a trained psychiatrist.’
‘Thanks, but no,’ said the old man. ‘It’s nothing out of the ordinary. You see, to keep myself awake on the journey, I tell myself jokes.’
‘But why do you keep raising you hand?’ asked the psychiatrist.
‘Oh, that’s to stop me telling a joke I’ve heard before.’
2323
When over a hundred people turned up for a group therapy session, the speaker decided to break the ice by asking how often those present had sex. First he asked for a show of hands from anyone who had sex almost every night. A few people raised their hands. Then he asked how many had sex once a week. A larger number of hands were raised. Next he asked how many had sex once every two weeks or once a month. More hands were raised. After polling his group several more times, the speaker spotted one guy sitting at the side of the auditorium with a huge grin on his face. The speaker had noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex.
The grinning guy replied: ‘Once a year.’
The puzzled speaker inquired: ‘Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?’
Still beaming, the guy said: ‘Tonight’s the night!’
2324
A guy went to a therapist who asked: ‘How is your sex life?’
The man admitted: ‘I have a lot of issues with sex.’
‘Hmm. What kind of issues?’
‘Oh, mostly Hustler and Penthouse.’
2325
Unable to find a man who could satisfy her physically, a woman sought the advice of a sex therapist.
In desperation, she asked him: ‘Isn’t there some way to judge the size of a man’s equipment from the outside?’
‘The only foolproof way is by the size of his feet,’ counselled the therapist.
So the woman headed downtown and cruised the streets until she spotted a young guy with the biggest feet she had ever seen. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for a night of passion.
When the guy woke up the next morning, she had already left for work. But on the bedside table was a $50 bill and a note that read: ‘With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you.’
2326
A guy went to a psychiatrist. ‘Doc, you’ve got to help me. My wife is unfaithful to me. Every Friday night, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What should I do?’
‘Relax,’ said the psychiatrist. ‘Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry’s bar?’
2327
A man told a psychiatrist: ‘I have this recurring dream in which five women rush into the room and start tearing off my clothes.’
‘What do you do?’ asked the psychiatrist.
‘I push them away.’
‘I see, and how can I help you?’
‘Please, break my arms.’
2328
A seventy-eight-year-old couple went to a sex therapist’s office. The old man asked: ‘Will you watch us having sexual intercourse?’
The therapist was puzzled by the request, but agreed. When they had finished, he said: ‘There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. That will be $50.’
This happened several weeks in a row. Each time the couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the therapist and leave. Eventually the therapist asked: ‘What exactly are you trying to find out?’
The old man said: ‘We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Hilton charges $110, the Holiday Inn charges $90. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!’
TOILETS
2329
A male passenger travelling by plane was desperate to use the toilet, but because there was a long queue and he couldn’t hold it in any longer, the flight attendant suggested he use the ladies’ washroom instead.
‘But, whatever you do,’ she warned, ‘don’t press any of the buttons.’
Of course, once he was inside and sitting down, his relief was such that his curiosity got the better of him and he pressed the WW button on the wall, whereupon warm water sprayed on to his bare bottom. It was a pleasurable experience, so he pressed the WA button, causing warm air to dry his wet bottom. Next he pressed the PP button and a soft disposable powder puff dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
‘Man, this is great,’ he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.
He woke in hospital just as the anaesthetic was wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse.
‘Where am I?’ he asked. ‘What happened? The last thing I remember was being on a plane and feeling intense pain as I sat in the ladies’ room.’
The nurse said: ‘Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pressed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow.’
2330
While taking a class, a schoolteacher noticed a puddle under a little girl’s chair.
‘Oh, Samantha!’ said the teacher. ‘You should have put your hand up.’
‘I did,’ said Samantha, ‘but it still trickled through my fingers.’
2331
What’s the difference between toilet paper and toast? – Toast is brown on both sides.
2332
A man went to the doctor because he was getting a burning sensation every time he pooped. The doctor told him that in order to get rid of it, he would need to clean out his colon once a week for the next month. He gave the man a cleaning rod and shoved it up his butt for the first cleaning.
The man took the rod home and a week later attempted the cleaning himself. Unable to get it at the right angle, he called his wife to help. So she shoved it up and cleaned out his colon for him. As she finished, he suddenly gasped.
‘What is it, darling?’ she asked, concerned.
‘I just realized,’ he said. ‘When the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders!’
2333
A guy was in the urinal of a bar when he he
ard two voices coming from one of the cubicles.
‘Get lost, will you?’ said one voice.
‘No, it’s my turn,’ said the other.
‘But you had it earlier.’
‘Let me have it, you bastard.’
‘No way, I’m not finished!’